Ready, that does help. You have been so kind. Wow, I turn my computer back on in the morning before going to work, and I find two replies that give me feelings of peace.Yours, and Betsy’s.
Betsy, thank you for explaining. Yes that helps!! I was getting myself into a whole new spiral here. Thinking I’d have to surrender my life completely to one person’s mercy and I’d have to do everything they say - that sounded really scary. But then I started worrying about me thinking that. Like: “If the church teaches that spiritual direction is good, and I am afraid that my SD would ask something of me that I am not ready to do, that means I am not ready to trust and obey God blindly.” Going further: “If I am afraid that my SD will tell me not to pursue a path in life that I feel is right for me, that means that path is too iportant to me”, and then I started feeling guilty about pursuing my dreams again. Even though I have talked to several spiritual counselors AND priests about this and have almost always become the reply that it is GOOD to follow your dreams and, if it is something positive, go with what gives you joy.
So why would I be afraid an SD would ask of me to change my life completely and forsake good things that give me joy?
Aha, maybe I am afraid I’d happenen upon an SD who understands me wrong and thinks something would be good for me that I think wouldn’t.
The spiral turns on: “If you’re afraid of that, that means there are things in your life you don’t want to surrender to God. So you better give them up now just in CASE they are wrong.” Something like giving up a whole set of possible plans and studies you have been pursuing that have given you a sense of purpose and direction in life. That wonderful feeling of having found something you really like.
I was told that is good, but if I am afraid an SD might tell me it’s not good, maybe that by itself means its not good because it means I would not surrender it to God, because an SD is supposed to know what is best for me and represent God in my life, or something like that… as in: “Ifg I am even a tiny bit AFRAID an SD would ask of me to make major life decisions, that means I don’t want to obey God enough and I want to hold on to my life dreams too much.”
Are those the “dream attackers” talking?
Isn’t it good to find things that give you joy, that ring right with you, just a feeling that you have found something you want to pursue in this life? I doubt that an SD would tell me: “No, you have to give up the things that give you joy, that feel right for you in your life.” Be that job plans or hobbies or dreams of moving to another country again or whatever. Why would an SD do that? But I think my “dream attackers” try to tell me that if I am even afraid an SD might do that, that means my dremas are too important to me.
Yikes.
And then you tell me, no, an SD cannot tell you what to do with your life, as in making your major decisions for you, telling you things like give up your studies or your job or your dreams. Now that of course is a relief! That also tells me: Maybe everybody would be afraid if that was really the case?? Maybe that doesn’t mean I am too unready to surrender, it just means that OF COURSE it is normal that we want to listen to our feelings and pursue our dreams if we feel they are good?
Or is an SD supposed to be so in connection with God that he is, so to say, infallable (is that the right word?), and it is a sin not to trust that he is right in everything? And it is a sin to even THINK he might ask something of me that I wouldn’t like to do?
See, a whole new spiral.
Kathrin
I guess I am worried that I would worry too much about everything he would say, and about what I would have to tell him and what not. I would have to feel REALLY REALLY REALLY comfortable with him.. It is just times when it gets worse.