Stopped loving my wife - no way out

[pt1108]

This is my first post so please go easy on me.

I have been reading and searching through this forum for the past 2 months. My question is:

If I made the wrong decision to marry my wife in the first place (ie. we’ve been having communication problems - ie. language barriers), does the Catholic church expect that I keep to my vows (ie. till death do us part) even if this means the expense of my happiness and that I sink deeper and deeper into depression and turn to suicidal thoughts? Would God want this? And if so (ie. for me to carry this cross), and from a human perspective, wouldn’t it seem that the teaching is forced upon us to love someone when we are no longer in love?

 

[HOPEFUL_IN_UK]

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, you need to see a professional to deal with your depression. If your wife is truly the cause of your depression, then you may need to separate from her. But, when someone is depressed and suicidal, it is hard for them to clearly understand what is going on in their lives. Unless she is an abusive monster of some sort, it’s unlikely that she’s the cause of your depression right now. Deal with the depression, first, by talking to someone.

Ordinarily - when you’re not dealing with abuse or something like it - we are expected to love our spouses. We have to do it as an act of will and it doesn’t necessarily come from how we feel, emotionally. We can even love our spouses by separating from them. For example, if a spouse has a substance abuse problem, you’re not expected to enable them and live with them. You can separate and love them through prayer. So, yes, you do have to try and love your spouse.

Someone who is suicidally depressed is probably unable to deal with that at the time. They should seek some help for themselves from a psychiatrist.

 

[puzzleannie]

This is my first post so please go easy on me.

I have been reading and searching through this forum for the past 2 months. My question is:

If I made the wrong decision to marry my wife in the first place (ie. we’ve been having communication problems - ie. language barriers), does the Catholic church expect that I keep to my vows (ie. till death do us part) even if this means the expense of my happiness and that I sink deeper and deeper into depression and turn to suicidal thoughts? Would God want this? And if so (ie. for me to carry this cross), and from a human perspective, wouldn’t it seem that the teaching is forced upon us to love someone when we are no longer in love?

nobody is “in love” after several years of marriage
by then real love should have taken over
read 1 Corinthians 13 for a definition and practice it, really practice it

actions rather than emotions
self-sacrifice rather than “my needs are not being met”
living your life for another and for the children of your love, rather than “what about my happiness and fulfillment”
growing together in intimacy of shared love of God and service to the Church and God’s poor, rather than “we’ve grown apart”

if you are depressed don’t blame your wife or your marriage
get to a doctor and get a proper diagnosis and treatment of the underlying problem. If you don’t you can leave, get divorced, go live somewhere else, change your job, get a new girlfriend–but you will still be depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. During this time work on your own spiritual growth, conquering habitual sins, and above all, relying more on God on less on yourself.

Mother Teresa said it best: It does not matter if I am fulfilled, it matters if I am faithful. (paraphrase)

as another saint said when the going gets tough, the tough get going, they don’t wimp out (he may not yet be canonized). That does not mean “going away” from the problem or challenge it means meeting it head on. If the problem is communication, get help from a good counsellor on that. If it is deeper, and that is very likely to be true, identify and deal with the problem, with professional help if necessary.

No God does not want you to be unhappy. The means he has provided for your happiness is your marriage, since that is now your vocation. Healing your marriage will make you happy. Abandoning your vows, and the blasphemy of using “I know what God wants for me” as an excuse will bring only misery to you, your wife and family and everyone else involved.

Retrouvaille is nothing short of miraculous for troubled marriages, I highly recommend it, you can contact the Family Life office of your diocese for referrals.

I am speaking as I would to a beloved son or nephew who approached me along the lines of OP

Want to know how to fall in love again? Having just celebrated our 40th anniversary I do have a bit of real world knowledge. Love her. Think about her, dwell on all her good qualities and love her for them. Think about what she does that irritates her, recognize how frail you are as well and how often you are a trial to her. Love her for them not in spite of them, and love yourself. This is an intellectual, not an emotional exercise.
It is an action, not a feeling, do loving things for her. My DH always has tea waiting for me and the bed turned down for my nap when I get home from something like a youth outing, girl scout camp or another tough weekend. He has always done this, even when we are on the outs, just like I always make sure he has what he likes to eat in the house, put his tools away after I use them, and fold his socks right side out.

Do Loving Acts for your wife at every opportunity. Look for those chances. Do not expect notice, appreciation or reward (esp. not reward in bed). Do not make her earn your love give it freely and lavishly.

Your heart is no longer in your marriage? Then turn it away from where you are now pointing it, and back to your spouse, in precisely the same way you would if your car were going into a skid on the highway, turn toward the direction of the problem, don’t run away.

you can’t love her if you do not love yourself.
get to a doctor TODAY for diagnosis and treatment of whatever is the cause of your depression. Ask your wife’s forbearance while you deal with this crisis, but the classic advice, both from Christian spirituality and from a secular view of therapy is to NEVER make radical life decisions while in a depressed state.

God bless you, we will be praying for you

 

[NonCatholic]

This is my first post so please go easy on me.

I have been reading and searching through this forum for the past 2 months. My question is:

If I made the wrong decision to marry my wife in the first place (ie. we’ve been having communication problems - ie. language barriers), does the Catholic church expect that I keep to my vows (ie. till death do us part) even if this means the expense of my happiness and that I sink deeper and deeper into depression and turn to suicidal thoughts? Would God want this? And if so (ie. for me to carry this cross), and from a human perspective, wouldn’t it seem that the teaching is forced upon us to love someone when we are no longer in love?

First, God would not care much for suicide. If you are having these thoughts, which you apparently are, then you need to seek professional help. Note that if you mention suicide, they may send you into the hospital right away…I know first-hand. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but unless you feel serious about the suicide, then stick to key words - “feelings of unworthiness” …just don’t use the “s” word unless you are certain you need the extreme form of help. There are medications that do work…first hand knowledge.

On love, I learned that love as defined in the Bible is much different then love defined in human terms. In human terms it generally in all about “self”…what is in it for me? She doesn’t do this for me? She does not do anything for me? She doesn’t understand me? Whereas the love shown in the Bible is all about having a servants heart and being committed. What can I do for her? What is her needs? How can I make her day a little better? All this without expecting the same in return and when you do get something…praise God! Have an attitude that we made a commitment and be determined to make good on that commitment on your side…you can’t do it for someone else. Once you see yourself as a servant and are committed, then all the little stupid things that bother you about the other person melt away. It will be an ongoing battle because the “me” in you will keep rearing it ugly head.

Remember, Jesus is the perfect picture of humility and servitude and He gave as the perfect example…you will not be perfect and you may take 2 steps forward and 1 backward…but you can persevere and will be much more content with what you have rather than disappointed with what you don’t have.

Lastly, I don’t know exactly what you mean by this communication barrier, you indicated perhaps a language barrier. If this is it, then take that servants heart and commitment and put it to work…either teaching her the language or learning hers. Once you get this new attitude, you will be set free because you are know doing the will of God.

Send me a PM if you need to discuss more on this, want some prayer, or just to talk. I am praying for you as I submit this post.

May God’s peace and wisdom fill you and your spouse.

 

[dianaballein]

This is my first post so please go easy on me.

I have been reading and searching through this forum for the past 2 months. My question is:

If I made the wrong decision to marry my wife in the first place (ie. we’ve been having communication problems - ie. language barriers), does the Catholic church expect that I keep to my vows (ie. till death do us part) even if this means the expense of my happiness and that I sink deeper and deeper into depression and turn to suicidal thoughts? Would God want this? And if so (ie. for me to carry this cross), and from a human perspective, wouldn’t it seem that the teaching is forced upon us to love someone when we are no longer in love?

Dear OP,

You will get a million and one answers telling you to stay in the marriage and fulfill your marriage obligation, no matter what. I, for one, disagree.

People are human. People make errors in judgment. God is merciful. I will pray for both you and your wife that things work out how they are meant to. Be blessed.

 

[basilisk]

Becoming depressed is NOT inevitable. You are choosing to dwell on the negative. You are living in it, nurturing it, helping it grow.

Have you forgotten what made you fall in love with her in the first place? Do you ever spend any time listing her positive qualities, things you like about her, blessings she brings to your life? If you chose to devote your energy to the positive, you might find a great change in your feelings and attitude.

You made a commitment. At least TRY to act like a man and live up to it. Eventually, you two may part anyway, but you should at least give every effort you can to making it work.

Stop dwelling on how wronged you think you are, take responsibility for the choices you made, and change your focus. Every day, list two or three things you like about her or that she did. Find things to be grateful for. Treat her as if you are madly in love with her. Her response to such treatment might rekindle your marriage in ways you can’t imagine. And that will get you feeling more positive as she treats YOU well because you’ve made her feel wanted and valued. Keep up that cycle, and before you know it, you two will have built a loving marriage from scratch!

Love is a choice as well as a feeling. You promised to love her, so do it.

 

[whatevergirl]

OP–You entitle your thread…‘stopped loving my wife.’ So you must have loved her at some point? Right? If so, what has changed? Lack of communication isn’t a reason to ditch an otherwise good marriage. I have had communication problems in my marriage in the past, too. If you are having suicidal thoughts, I echo the others–seek medical help asap. I’m not sure if those thoughts are tied to your marital issues, they could be-but I’d get help for that very soon…don’t wait. I would also say that our society teaches us to only look out for number one…which is why our divorce rate in this country is sky high. I would seek medical help, and also spiritual guidance from a priest before doing anything further. I don’t think there is enough info for me to give much more advice than that–God bless, and hope things improve.

 

[Teakafrog]

You said you have communication issues. Maybe you should try to work on that. In most relationships, that is the root of the problem, when the two can’t really communicate what they are feeling. Try Retrouvaille www.retrouvaille.org to see if something like this can help.

 

[ForMary]

This is my first post so please go easy on me.

I have been reading and searching through this forum for the past 2 months. My question is:

If I made the wrong decision to marry my wife in the first place (ie. we’ve been having communication problems - ie. language barriers), does the Catholic church expect that I keep to my vows (ie. till death do us part) even if this means the expense of my happiness and that I sink deeper and deeper into depression and turn to suicidal thoughts? Would God want this? And if so (ie. for me to carry this cross), and from a human perspective, wouldn’t it seem that the teaching is forced upon us to love someone when we are no longer in love?

You are in my prayers as you seem to be at a crossroads in your life. I would first suggest that you seek a professional regarding depression. Seriously, consider this; it could be the depression that is clouding your vision.

You don’t mention how long you’ve been married, how long you knew each other prior to the marriage and whether or not you both participated in marriage-prep classes, that might be helpful for knowing how to respond to you.

One does not need to be “in love” to sustain a marriage. One needs to be committed, respectful and have God in the center of their life (individually and together).

The church expects sacraments to be received with sincere willingness and acceptance and not lightly without conscious thought to the meaning of the sacrament. You’ve mentioned what you want (albeit indirectly…a divorce), what does God want? Have you prayed about this?

You can obtain a Civil Divorce, but will not be free to marry again without an annulment.

Please, please consider seeking counseling, your suicidal threats seem a little disproportionate to being married to someone with whom you are having communication issues with.

 

[Marsha_Adams]

First off love is NOT an emotion, it is a principle. You choose to love whether you “feel” it or not. Love is not that sweet feel good state that TV and movies make it out to be. Many people in marriages lose that “in love” feeling and figure it is time to find a new spouse. Look beyond that. Is there friendship and respect within the relationship? Was there ever? Build on that. Even if you have no more good will toward your spouse than you would have for a stranger on the street, it is enough to begin to work towards a sacramental relationship.

 

[pt1108]

nobody is “in love” after several years of marriage
by then real love should have taken over
read 1 Corinthians 13 for a definition and practice it, really practice it

actions rather than emotions
self-sacrifice rather than “my needs are not being met”
living your life for another and for the children of your love, rather than “what about my happiness and fulfillment”
growing together in intimacy of shared love of God and service to the Church and God’s poor, rather than “we’ve grown apart”

if you are depressed don’t blame your wife or your marriage
get to a doctor and get a proper diagnosis and treatment of the underlying problem. If you don’t you can leave, get divorced, go live somewhere else, change your job, get a new girlfriend–but you will still be depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. During this time work on your own spiritual growth, conquering habitual sins, and above all, relying more on God on less on yourself.

Mother Teresa said it best: It does not matter if I am fulfilled, it matters if I am faithful. (paraphrase)

as another saint said when the going gets tough, the tough get going, they don’t wimp out (he may not yet be canonized). That does not mean “going away” from the problem or challenge it means meeting it head on. If the problem is communication, get help from a good counsellor on that. If it is deeper, and that is very likely to be true, identify and deal with the problem, with professional help if necessary.

No God does not want you to be unhappy. The means he has provided for your happiness is your marriage, since that is now your vocation. Healing your marriage will make you happy. Abandoning your vows, and the blasphemy of using “I know what God wants for me” as an excuse will bring only misery to you, your wife and family and everyone else involved.

Retrouvaille is nothing short of miraculous for troubled marriages, I highly recommend it, you can contact the Family Life office of your diocese for referrals.

I am speaking as I would to a beloved son or nephew who approached me along the lines of OP

Want to know how to fall in love again? Having just celebrated our 40th anniversary I do have a bit of real world knowledge. Love her. Think about her, dwell on all her good qualities and love her for them. Think about what she does that irritates her, recognize how frail you are as well and how often you are a trial to her. Love her for them not in spite of them, and love yourself. This is an intellectual, not an emotional exercise.
It is an action, not a feeling, do loving things for her. My DH always has tea waiting for me and the bed turned down for my nap when I get home from something like a youth outing, girl scout camp or another tough weekend. He has always done this, even when we are on the outs, just like I always make sure he has what he likes to eat in the house, put his tools away after I use them, and fold his socks right side out.

Do Loving Acts for your wife at every opportunity. Look for those chances. Do not expect notice, appreciation or reward (esp. not reward in bed). Do not make her earn your love give it freely and lavishly.

Your heart is no longer in your marriage? Then turn it away from where you are now pointing it, and back to your spouse, in precisely the same way you would if your car were going into a skid on the highway, turn toward the direction of the problem, don’t run away.

you can’t love her if you do not love yourself.
get to a doctor TODAY for diagnosis and treatment of whatever is the cause of your depression. Ask your wife’s forbearance while you deal with this crisis, but the classic advice, both from Christian spirituality and from a secular view of therapy is to NEVER make radical life decisions while in a depressed state.

God bless you, we will be praying for you

Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

 

[pt1108]

First off love is NOT an emotion, it is a principle. You choose to love whether you “feel” it or not. Love is not that sweet feel good state that TV and movies make it out to be. Many people in marriages lose that “in love” feeling and figure it is time to find a new spouse. Look beyond that. Is there friendship and respect within the relationship? Was there ever? Build on that. Even if you have no more good will toward your spouse than you would have for a stranger on the street, it is enough to begin to work towards a sacramental relationship.

I understood the true meaning of the word; but guess I am human and fail in my execution of it. It drains a lot out of you after so many years and left without any energy to deal with it.

I maybe wrong but I think I got the answer to my question. In that I do not have a choice but to continue to love (in the true biblical sense of the word) my wife because it boils down to the promise I made to God in my wedding vows. If I choose not to then I will be turning away from God and committing a mortal sin.

 

[LilyM]

I understood the true meaning of the word; but guess I am human and fail in my execution of it. It drains a lot out of you after so many years and left without any energy to deal with it.

I maybe wrong but I think I got the answer to my question. In that I do not have a choice but to continue to love (in the true biblical sense of the word) my wife because it boils down to the promise I made to God in my wedding vows. If I choose not to then I will be turning away from God and committing a mortal sin.

Well, we are all obliged to love even our bitterest enemies, let alone our spouses! You’re not obliged to live with her, but for both your sakes you’re obliged to at least try to work out your marital problems before exercising the last resort of physical separation and/or possible annulment.

And certainly for your own sake you need to treat your depression, whatever its cause! So many areas of your life will benefit, and not just your relationship with your wife.

 

[dconklin]

Language barrier or communication breakdown? Not speaking the same language would be tough.

 

[Marsha_Adams]

I understood the true meaning of the word; but guess I am human and fail in my execution of it. It drains a lot out of you after so many years and left without any energy to deal with it.

I maybe wrong but I think I got the answer to my question. In that I do not have a choice but to continue to love (in the true biblical sense of the word) my wife because it boils down to the promise I made to God in my wedding vows. If I choose not to then I will be turning away from God and committing a mortal sin.

Not necessarily. If your marriage was never sacramentally valid and there a variety of possible reasons for that, or if it has ceased to be sacramentally valid then an anullment may be in order. But ceasing to be in love is not the issue. If your marriage is sacramentally valid, then as I said you both need to start rebuilding the relationship.

 

[designmom]

I understand exactly how you feel, as I am in the same situation. I understand that everyone feels that you made a commitment to your wife before God, but I KNOW how sad it can make you feel when you realize you made a mistake and you feel like there is no way out. People change over time, and not always together. Sometimes it is hard to focus on what you fell in love with in the person if you or they have changed. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago, for the better, but I am in a relationship that is exactly the same as it was 20 years ago. I think both people are responsible when a relationship goes bad, and I don’t think all can be fixed.

You have to at least try to see if you can rekindle the relationship, so you have no regrets if it does not work.

I will pray for you