Strained Cmmunication With Spouse

  • Thread starter Thread starter dar37
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

dar37

Guest
What are my options if I feel my Wife is being side-tracked by the company she keeps especially if it includes her siblings and relatives? I am trying to protect the environment we have at home to avoid things that go against our Catholic faith such as loud talk, sharp exchanges, insensitivity to other’s feelings, focus on material things at the expense of faith, honesty in expressing feelings and discussing faith. Her Siblings are Catholics but its hard to discuss or uphold faith in their presence.

Also what should I do if my wife mitakes my constant admonishment to live by the faith to be a way to control her to the point where she tells me “Thank you Mr Perfect” when I am telling her about a mistake I believe she is making?

What should I do if the things my wife is doing or failing to do are leading me to feelings of anger to the point where my prayer life is being affected?
 
In my experience, whenever I have felt anger, it has really been a sorrow that I have distorted into anger because I was afraid to face it.

I have also found that whenever I am angry at my spouse, it is because I am weak/failing in some way myself, and I am angry at my spouse for not being stronger/able to lift me out of my own sin.

My advice to you is this: ask Jesus to help you to live a good Christian life even in your imperfect surroundings- and then lead your wife by example and with love, rather than with any verbal admonishment.

For the other person to perceive the love, you have to first remove the “need” from it.

“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.” St. Francis of Assisi
 
dar37 said:
What should I do if the things my wife is doing or failing to do are leading me to feelings of anger to the point where my prayer life is being affected?
Click to expand...
I think you should both sit down and read ephesians together, not just the part where the husband leads, but where he cherishes his wife as Christ cherishes the Church. while you are at it search for the parts where Paul and John warn that you should never teach or admonish without love, and what Paul and James have to say about anger especially between family members. Before you act like Mr Perfect and start correcting her, deal with your own mistakes. Working yourself up to the state of anger is the biggest. You did ask.
 
Add her and her siblings to your prayers. It one of the most powerful tools given to us by God. Thank Him first for alll he has blessed you with and then ask for intercession. Also, praying to The Blessed Virgin Mary is powerful as well and may help you.
 
dar37 said:
What are my options if I feel my Wife is being side-tracked by the company she keeps especially if it includes her siblings and relatives? I am trying to protect the environment we have at home to avoid things that go against our Catholic faith such as loud talk, sharp exchanges, insensitivity to other’s feelings, focus on material things at the expense of faith, honesty in expressing feelings and discussing faith. Her Siblings are Catholics but its hard to discuss or uphold faith in their presence.

Also what should I do if my wife mitakes my constant admonishment to live by the faith to be a way to control her to the point where she tells me “Thank you Mr Perfect” when I am telling her about a mistake I believe she is making?

What should I do if the things my wife is doing or failing to do are leading me to feelings of anger to the point where my prayer life is being affected?
Click to expand...
Have you ever heard the expression “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar!”?

Have you recently had a conversion of heart? Why are these things so much more obvious to you now than when you were dating etc.? Did you talk about them pre-marriage? Has your wife changed or have you?

Living your faith will be much more effective with examples than words. There will be times you can use words, but if you are constantly finding fault and pointing out her sins, well then what kind of result would you expect.

People can/will not just turn off who they are, or how they have acted for years because they suddenly have their faults pointed out. It has to come from within. A conversion of the heart.

I’m not saying it is wrong for you to occasionally point out actions or happenings that you are uncomfortable with, however I would caution you from becoming your wife’s conscience.

Involve your wife as often as possible in Holy things. Encourage her. Buy her books, a pretty Rosary or other things on special occasions. Of course buy her other things too so as the religious gifts are seen as subtle reminders, not blatant shouts of how she should be living.

Praying together, going to retreats or talks at Church. Spending time together at Adoration, or if you for childcare reasons etc. can’t go together, encourage her to go without you.

Then pray for her. Pray for your family. But I strongly suggest that you stop verbally berating her with all of her faults. It will get you nowhere, and only serve to drive a wedge between you.

Respond always with charity and remember that you Dear Poster surely have some sins and faults of your own that you can focus on, instead of only focusing on hers. That anger you mentioned, might be a good place to start.

God Bless!
 
Much good advice above - I especially like heart4home’s posting. I can’t add a whole lot but had a couple of thoughts as I read through your post.
dar37 said:
What are my options if I feel my Wife is being side-tracked by the company she keeps especially if it includes her siblings and relatives?
Click to expand...
What do you mean by “side-tracked” how has her behavior changed from before that leads you to believe she is on a different “track” than previous?
I am trying to protect the environment we have at home to avoid things that go against our Catholic faith
Click to expand...
Not only should you not try to shield yourself like this - you CAN’T shield yourself like this. Not healthily anyway. Yes you do need a place of solitude and time to focus on prayer, faith etc, but even in ones own home this won’t exist as a constant. The very problems you are asking us about here are proof of this. Your desire to try and insulate yourself and your wife is actually introducing conflict where you desire there be no conflict.
such as loud talk, sharp exchanges, insensitivity to other’s feelings, focus on material things at the expense of faith, honesty in expressing feelings and discussing faith. Her Siblings are Catholics but its hard to discuss or uphold faith in their presence.
Click to expand...
I’m not sure how “loud talk” and “sharp exchanges” necessarily “go against our Catholic faith” but…🤷
It sounds to me like this is just how her family communicates - not much you can do about it and since your wife grew up in this environment, she likely does not see it in the same way that you do, so when you complain about it it sounds “nit-picky”.
Also what should I do if my wife mitakes my constant admonishment to live by the faith to be a way to control her to the point where she tells me “Thank you Mr Perfect” when I am telling her about a mistake I believe she is making?
Click to expand...
Key problem here is “constant admonishment”. You are turning into a “crab” and perhaps even a bit of a pharasee. In your drive to “Protect your environment” you are introducing the very unrest you seek to avoid.
What should I do if the things my wife is doing or failing to do are leading me to feelings of anger to the point where my prayer life is being affected?
Click to expand...
Pray harder.
Pray that God reveal your faults in this to you.
Lighten up on your wife.
Remind yourself of why you love her. Then Love her more.
Speak about these issues with your confessor - This is important

Hope some of this helps.

Peace
James
 
Do not correct her.

Unless she is about to set fire to the house or lose a finger in a can opener.

Or borrowing money to gamble in Las Vegas and she always loses all of it. [If she gambles and consistently wins, then that’s different.]

Or if she is personally insulting you directly by name calling.

For the rest, never criticize, condemn or complain.

It would be different if she came to you and said her family of origin was beating her up and turning her into a nervous wreck. That would be different; in that case, you could offer alternate strategies.

But otherwise, you used up your options when you married her. You accepted her and her family as they were. You have no right to attempt to change them.

What you can do is to change yourself.

You can smile more.

You can go to church more.

If someone asks you for advice, you can offer an idea or two.

But no unsolicited advice.
 
puzzleannie said:
I think you should both sit down and read ephesians together, not just the part where the husband leads, but where he cherishes his wife as Christ cherishes the Church. while you are at it search for the parts where Paul and John warn that you should never teach or admonish without love, and what Paul and James have to say about anger especially between family members. Before you act like Mr Perfect and start correcting her, deal with your own mistakes. Working yourself up to the state of anger is the biggest. You did ask.
Click to expand...
Nice post.

Also, I wonder if you acknowledge and work on with your wife, your own shortcomings. Have you ever made a point of sitting down and talking to her and saying:

“Honey, I know I have shortcomings. I’d like your (name removed by moderator)ut on things I could work on.”

There’s a dangerous thought, huh?

When she gives it to you. Listen. If she says you admonish too much, respond in a loving leadership faithful way. For example:

“I can understand and appreciate what you are saying. I struggle with this. Here is why. The way I was raised, by my family and my church, I see part of my role as being a leader of the family, and in trying to help us lead faithful Catholic lives.”

“I can see that although my intent is good, my execution isn’t getting the desired results.”

“Can you agree that, even though I may not have gone about it the best way, that you can see that I am trying to lead our family as best I can?”

And use that statement to establish a common ground. Then look for ways for you to lead them to being better Christians where they can hear what you have to say, and adapt your message style to take advantage of that.

You will have put yourself in a position of service. I am sure that your wife will be grateful.
 
dar37 said:
Also what should I do if my wife mitakes my constant admonishment to live by the faith to be a way to control her to the point where she tells me “Thank you Mr Perfect” when I am telling her about a mistake I believe she is making?
Click to expand...
“Constant admonishment”? How constant?
 
Thank you all for the candid and broad advise. Reading the verses together and the idea of just opening up to her about what I am trying to achieve and asking for her (name removed by moderator)ut really resonates. Also praying for her and her Siblings is a healthier approach than fighting. Admitting my weaknesss and asking for God’s help is also something I intend to do more. How do I become more accomodating without getting sucked into anything that might be sinful? Part of my worry is, times have really changed and the battle for the soul is real. Folks have invented many ways to win people over to an alternate way of life and often this means leaving one’s faith. As for my family I desire that we live in the Catholic faith. I always fear that some of the people have more intentions than just having a good time and enjoying each other’s company. There is always a hidden code of communication that appears to discriminate against people who have a different view or values. I don’t mind people living by their choices but I refuse to have any unjust or sinful activities carried out in our family home. My concern comes from the teaching that we test the Spirit(s) constantly to avoid falling into Sin. Am I just paranoid?
If the bible teaches me not to grieve the Holy Spirit in me, does it not mean by extension that I should not grieve someone else’s spirit and vice versa? Am I being mean if I expect that we create an environment that nurtures the Spirit or is this too controlling?

Thanks again for the wonderful (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
dar37 said:
Thank you all for the candid and broad advise. Reading the verses together and the idea of just opening up to her about what I am trying to achieve and asking for her (name removed by moderator)ut really resonates. Also praying for her and her Siblings is a healthier approach than fighting. Admitting my weaknesss and asking for God’s help is also something I intend to do more. How do I become more accomodating without getting sucked into anything that might be sinful? Part of my worry is, times have really changed and the battle for the soul is real. Folks have invented many ways to win people over to an alternate way of life and often this means leaving one’s faith. As for my family I desire that we live in the Catholic faith. I always fear that some of the people have more intentions than just having a good time and enjoying each other’s company. There is always a hidden code of communication that appears to discriminate against people who have a different view or values. I don’t mind people living by their choices but I refuse to have any unjust or sinful activities carried out in our family home. My concern comes from the teaching that we test the Spirit(s) constantly to avoid falling into Sin. Am I just paranoid?
If the bible teaches me not to grieve the Holy Spirit in me, does it not mean by extension that I should not grieve someone else’s spirit and vice versa? Am I being mean if I expect that we create an environment that nurtures the Spirit or is this too controlling?

Thanks again for the wonderful (name removed by moderator)ut.
Click to expand...
It’s really hard, without knowing all the individuals etc, to offer any real specific advice. I can’t say whether yoiu are being “paranoid” or not (though maybe a bit anal).

I do know this - In your (and your wife’s) home you make the rules. Naturally you must take into account the people you have in your home, but - your house, your rules…Theri house - their rules…
This does not mean that they are going to come to your house and be all “goody-goody” but it also doesn’t mean you have to let them cuss a blue streak around your kids (or around you for that matter), or smoke dope or other foul things…

The thing to remember is that your greatest witness is yourself. Christ dined with sinners and publicans (prostitutes), His Apostles were rough around the edges working men. The reason they followed Christ was not because he was like them, but because they wanted to be like Him…Work on yourself. Show Christ to others by your gentle Loving ways.

Peace
James
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top