Strange marriage situation-guidance welcomed

[vish1990]

Hello all,

My wife and I were married (very) young, while I was still in the military. We dated for about five years and married right before I deployed. Neither of us were really “practicing” Catholics, although we were both raised Catholic. We were not married inside the Church.

I’ve currently experienced a re-awakening toward Catholicism. I’m heavily involved at our Parish, and I am currently undergoing RCIA. For the first time in my life, I’ve found real peace and real faith. I can’t spend enough time praying or attending Mass, even though I cannot yet receive the Holy Eucharist. I’ve found so much joy in the Church over this past year.

There’s a difficult problem getting worse and worse in our young family of two. Though my wife is the one who’s confirmed, her parents were unorthodox Catholics when she was young, and left their parish after it “corrected” misalignment with the Roman Missal Guide to Mass, which left her family feeling alienated. The result of this history is that her parents aren’t thrilled about us trying to return to Catholic orthodoxy.

To make matters worse, her older sister (older by about 8 years, my wife is the youngest and naturally looks up to her big sister) is very passionately non-denominational Christian, and so naturally doesn’t look well on Roman Catholicism either.

I feel outmatched by these obstacles. Though I truly love, admire, and respect her family, I can’t in good conscience change what I believe to fit their comfort zones. That’s easy enough for me to say, but these people are the most influential in my wife’s life, and I just don’t feel like I’m in a spiritual place to properly lead my wife to the Catholic faith, when I’m still a Catechumen.

She says things like the church is always making her feel “bad,” for example, we weren’t married in the Church, and we hear apologists speak out regularly against attending Catholic weddings outside the Church (which I totally agree with in my new understanding of the faith.) She alludes that her mom is saying that she’s ‘perfect the way she is’ and doesn’t need to change for the Church. She also feels guilty when I pray more or say the rosary daily when she doesn’t feel like it, and that creates tension.

Please don’t misunderstand me. My wife is a beautiful, spirited, loving, devoted woman. She is such a warmer and kinder person than me, and that makes this entire ordeal so much harder. I don’t have the wisdom or the words to “turn on the lights” in her head and make her suddenly love Catholicism and pursue it with a passion. I feel incredibly under-prepared and outgunned.

Any advice?

 

[KellyPalmer]

I would say just keep going with what you are doing. The more knowledgeable you become in your faith, the better you will be able to guide your family. I would encourage you to reconsider whether you are in the proper spiritual place to lead your family. You don’t have all the answers yet but who does? Just keep growing in your faith and lead as you go! Work on your own holiness and this will eventually have a positive effect on your wife and everyone in you life and hers.

I find it useful to watch Journey Home episodes on EWTN to listen to people’s conversion or reversion stories and how they got there. I feel like it helps me in how I approach others in my life who are not Catholic or not fully practicing Catholics.

I will share that my husband was raised extremely anti-Catholic and has a whole family of Catholic haters and he eventually converted to Catholicism and has become an amazing spiritual leader for my family. He made his conversion even though we don’t really know any fully practicing Catholics except for my Grandparents. The Holy Spirit lead him, really…I give God all the glory for his conversion. Every obstacle seemed to be in the way but it happened. Don’t give up and most of all PRAY!!!

 

[Phemie]

Can you explain how you were raised Catholic and are now a catechumen, which is someone who was not baptized?

Or did you mean that you are a candidate for Confirmation? That will necessitate getting married in the Church (having your marriage convalidated) won’t it?

I’m not sure I can offer guidance other than keep praying. You may not be able to do anything else for her family and they may never accept your conversion. That said, be an example for your wife without hitting her over the head with it. That may be all she needs to become the Catholic you’d like her to be. But remember that it may be very difficult for her since that’s not what she signed on for when she married you. Think about how you’d feel if the situation were reversed.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

The only thing I will say is that when a person is married, their primary loyalty should be to their spouse and their children and not parents/siblings.

 

[Kelfa28]

The only thing I will say is that when a person is married, their primary loyalty should be to their spouse and their children and not parents/siblings.

Exactly what I was was going to say.

We have a similar situation in my family except it’s reversed. Yes, my husband was the one that actively sought out to join the Catholic Church but it was also his family that put up the most resistance. His mother is a devote non-denominational and was taken aback when he announced he was starting RCIA.

It’s been a minor struggle with her only because my husband was raised non-denominational too and knows the bible better then she does and has Church history to back it up. Plus he is good and confident with discussing the Church and why we were going through RCIA.

What I want to impress is the fact that our loyalty, devotion and love are directed towards God, each other, and the kids. We have no need to worry about our extended families because we look to each other first and put each other before parents and siblings. That is one thing you can discuss with your wife. It extends beyond the Catholic Church and is common for all marriages to succeed. It won’t work if she puts other family members above you.

So for my husband and I, it’s a non-issue because we listen to each other first.

Keep doing what your doing and congrats and welcome home.

 

[Actaeon]

Any advice?

This is just some thoughts for you, and might give you something to think about in how you respond to her. I really like SOME of what Jefferson Bethke has to say on the subject, despite his anti-catholic stance. So this is a bit of blend of some things he had to say with my Catholic perspective thrown in.

No one is perfect “just the way they are”. that’s a sentiment that only promotes a lack of ambition to improve. The reality is that we are all sinners and but for the grace of God we go (and go badly).

Religion, then, does two things for us. First and foremost, it exposes us to the simple fact that as sinners and even before we repent, God loves us. God loved us so much that He died for us and for our sins before we were even born to commit them.

The second thing that Religion does is it provides a framework for self-purification within the context of the Body of Christ (the church). Worship is, after all, a communal affair, and we were never designed to worship in isolation from the rest of the Body of Christ. In other words, morality deals with two subjects: how well do we love God, and how well do we love others? And that’s the point of the moral teaching of the church… God loves you, now what are you doing about that?

So Religion is a light of love that bathes us in warmth, but it should also motivate us to look at the dirty corners of our lives that that light has exposed. Then we look at the cross and see the love God has for us, and, in a perfect world with perfect contrition, that is the impetus to change. Because God’s love for us is so great, we owe our best effort to repent of our sins… to purify ourselves from disordered desires of sin. And the church has the moral framework within which we can do that. The church says “hey, you love God and want to be an obedient servant and a fruitful part of the Body of Christ… here’s how you can do that!”

Here’s another thing: we’re SUPPOSED to feel a little bit of guilt. A bit of shame says that we have a conscience… that we know when we’ve done wrong. It’s the driving factor in what makes us desire to be better people. Is it uncomfortable? You bet it is! But it’s also a natural part of the experience of human life. Self-rebuke, after all, ensures that we aren’t censured from communion with others! But out society is built around comfort… “don’t rock the boat,” says the secular world, “Don’t feel uncomfortable! Buy this, it will give you pleasure non-stop. Don’t criticize someone for something because that might cause them discomfort!” But the secular world is wrong, because that path creates weakness in people, it creates a society that does not self-reflect, that does not improve, and that does not relate to one another on anything other than an animalistic nature. Does being part of the church sometimes make you feel bad and like you need to do better? YES! It does that because it’s SUPPOSED to!

 

[vish1990]

Can you explain how you were raised Catholic and are now a catechumen, which is someone who was not baptized?

My mistake! It was my understanding that a Catechumen was a Christian waiting either for baptism or confirmation. Tecnhical error on my part.

Yes, we will need to get our marriage convalidated, We’ve already set it up with the Priest

Thank you all very much for your advice. I definitely need to focus more on how she feels about this situation. After all, it’s a huge personal change and it may take time for her to see my conviction.

When we talk about what she believes, she says she understands and agrees with my defenses of transubstantiation, veneration of the Saints, reconciliation, Petrine Primacy, etc…bu I think I just need to let those sink in. We’ve talked about her studying each aspect for herself, without worrying about what anyone else thinks, so she can form her conscience in a lasting sort of way. I’ll keep praying every day, and continue to be loving and patient

 

[choose_to_love]

@vish: partial answer, WRT the older sister. Get a copy of Catholicism and Fundamentalism, by CAF’s own Karl Keating, so you are prepared for common fundamenalist misunderstandings about the Faith. It will probably help you too! I would suspect that the sister does not really understand how the Church understands itself and what its teachings are.