Strength to move forward?

[stuk_ina_moment]

When things get to hard and it seems like theirs only despair. When your on the brink of depression if not depressed. Where do you find strength to continue to lift your head up and keep moving. I know I’m physically able to, just not emotionally at the time. People see me here at the church a lot and ask me why? I don’t say much just that I’m praying. I’ve even had a few people tell me how seeing me so devoted makes them smile. But that’s the thing idk if I’m here for the right reasons but I’m here everyday at the same time. Sometimes I know my minds not all here and my prayers feel empty. Like I’m here praying but not with faith.

Idk guys I guess I’m just not ready yet to try flying again so to speak. I know I’m rambling a whole lot I do apologize but this helps take it off my chest. The cold weather is coming and well it just brings back so many bad times in my life that I cringe when I feel a cold breeze. For the people that read my post in the past know what I’m talking about. And I’m so sorry I bring this up time after time. Yeah its still here in my emotions. I recently reached out to one of my old high school friends who’s a preacher for another church. I felt bad reaching out to him because he is of different faith but I did and it helped. These next few months will be so hard for me, I’m gonna be reliving all these moments again. Like I’ve said before I know he’s listening and helping but I guess I just don’t want what’s best for me. I want what I can’t have. I really try so hard to wake up and smile each day and say this is the day for me. I think the worst part of it all is seeing how much it hurts my mom. I try to hide it and I have been hiding it from her, but she knows. I know the sun will shine for me one day. Maybe I am broken somewhere I’m sure it can be fixed somehow.

I cry here at the church and it feels okay. Ill pick myself back up and dust off. My heart is so strong when it comes to emotions. When people tell me I can’t do something I do it 3x better. I love it when people don’t belive in me because I know what I’m capable off. So it feels like such a uphill battle trying to fight these emotions my heart has. The sun sets and I feel the cool breeze and I swear I can smell the cigarette smoke that takes me back to those bad days. Days when I was lost emotionally and spiritually.

Please god I know you can hear me. Please continue to bless my friends and family, and for the souls of my loved ones in purgatory.

Well guys time to put this smile back on. Ill see ya wed for adoration request.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Where do you find strength to continue to lift your head up and keep moving. I know I’m physically able to, just not emotionally at the time. People see me here at the church a lot and ask me why? I don’t say much just that I’m praying. I’ve even had a few people tell me how seeing me so devoted makes them smile. But that’s the thing idk if I’m here for the right reasons but I’m here everyday at the same time. Sometimes I know my minds not all here and my prayers feel empty. Like I’m here praying but not with faith.

I had a couple years in a deep depression/despair where I literally could not get off a mattress I wallowed around on all day. I was convinced that my situation would never improve, and that my negative outlook was not only justified, but any other outlook was false, wishful thinking, or just plain hogwash. I saw no possibilities of a way out, and even though I would never take my life, I spent a great deal of time thinking about some of the problems I wouldn’t have if I were dead.

You say you don’t know what the “right” reasons are. I don’t think you have to have a reason to go sit in church and pray. I like to do that, especially when the church is empty. I don’t even necessarily “pray” as such; many times I just sit and enjoy the environment.

I want what I can’t have.

I haven’t read your previous posts, so if it’s not too redundant, what is it you want that you can’t have?

I think the worst part of it all is seeing how much it hurts my mom. I try to hide it and I have been hiding it from her, but she knows. I know the sun will shine for me one day. Maybe I am broken somewhere I’m sure it can be fixed somehow.

It did for me. My life circumstances are pretty much the same, but I am now navigating it again, and this time with an all-time high level of peace and joy, and even emotional stability despite recent unexpected deaths and sickness in my family. In fact, I’m in a hospital waiting room right now 700 miles from home, waiting for the ICU visiting hours to open back up so I visit my mother.

If your mother knows, maybe she will talk to you about it? Unless it’s something you need to keep from her, then mothers love their kids to talk about things. She may not even have any helpful advice, but talking about it may help her if not you.

Ill pick myself back up and dust off. My heart is so strong when it comes to emotions.

I really like your attitude and your self-confidence, even during this troubling time.

Alan