Stressed Out New Dad!

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Is baby having a lot of gas??? I know our foster daughter LOVES to be held when sleeping, although she can still fall asleep on her own and sleeps in her crib. Just wondering if she is dealing with a gas/reflux issue that the dr could help with.
 
Well, the crying in the evening thing is really common, and will pass. It will likely be much better by about three months.

Your wife needs to nap in the day when the baby does. It must be a priority, much more than housework. I would suggest that she lay down and nap with the baby. It might also help to bring the baby to bed at night.

Before she goes back to work, the two of you are going to have to come up with a plan, or you will both be unable to function. I would just co-sleep, but you will have to figure out something. She is not likely to sleep through the night regularly any time soon - some babies do at 6 months, but many more do not until well over a year.

Chores - new moms of 1 month old babies should not be expected to get a lot of chores done. And once your wife goes back to work, you will both be in the same boat. I’m not sure what your child-care arrangement is, but you can’t expect a nanny to house-clean too.

You should think about hiring some domestic help. While your wife is still home, I would try to find a post-partum doula to come in - she will be able to offer some advice on baby care, getting your wife some sleep, and get some domestic tasks done for her. They know just what new moms are struggling with. Many also have a good knowledge of local parents groups and resources for breastfeeding and post partum depression. Once you are both back to work, look for a cleaning service is you possibly can - it will just make life more bearable while the baby is small. (I am assuming you have no local family members who can or will help out.)

And if you can - consider if it’s possible to wait for your wife to go back until later. Families are not made to manage a small baby, two full-time jobs, and domestic tasks, without some really good support.
 
I too could not nap during the day b/c my LO was put into a body brace at two weeks and she cried non-stop all day long beginning at about 11:00 a.m. and she wouldn’t fall asleep for a nap until about 8:00 p.m. and it would only be for about 1/2 or so and then she wouldn’t settle until about midnight. It was HELL!!!

It sounds like your baby is different though…she’s good during the day. I don’t understand why your wife can’t nap?

I hate to sound mean and I’m sure your wife is wonderful, but I think she’s expecting too much of you and she should be more understanding that you need to function at work. You need to talk to her nicely and tell her that you can’t get up in the night anymore. You’re not Superman and something has to change or you will have a meltdown.
 
mkipp said:
No not an attorney, have considered it, since I am in charge of them. One of my regrets (:(:(.) My wife has said that she never gets to take a nap during the day. And if don’t wake up and she does, she will be up all day and I feel bad for her.
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Well, given this, is it possible for you to slip away for a power nap? I still do this. 15-20 minutes helps tremendously.

Kathy
 
Have you talked with your wife about any of this?

I think you need to. 🙂

I was thinking too - of course your wife doesn’t nap. She doesn’t need to because *she’s *getting her sleep! 😉 If she was doing what all of us here are recommending (getting up with the baby and letting YOU sleep), then I’ll bet that she would make time to nap during the day. 👍

Also, if you say your daughter only sleeps when held, then why can’t your wife hold her while they both sleep? Lots of mommies here do that in order to get some sleep. What about a swing? What if you swaddled her in a swing - would she sleep that way?

I don’t mean to pick on your wife, but really - like Serap said - you are either going to begin to resent her, have a meltdown one day, or do something bad (falling asleep at the wheel, getting in trouble at work, whatever) because you are so sleep deprived. You seem to have a lot on your plate. You shouldn’t have to come home after a day’s work to clean a messy house *and *be up at 4am with your infant, when napping for you isn’t a possibility, esp when your wife is home all day.

OR, as soon as you walk in the door after work, head right to bed for a nap so you’re ready to go at 4am. That’ll stink for you and your wife’s relationship since you won’t get to see each other much, but something’s gotta give. 🤷

I’m sorry. I know how hard those early months are.

Maybe you could get a new routine started by just telling your wife that you need a week off from the 4am feedings so you can recharge.
 
Why isn’t your wife able to nap during the day? Is the baby not sleeping? Or she feels she has to “get stuff done”? Address those reasons…with a one month old, my opinion is that a mother’s job is solely to care for and bond with her new baby. Everything else can wait.
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Yes, this.
We swaddle her a lot, but it seems that she only closes her eyes when she is being held. Then getting her to lay down takes the skills of a magician so she does not wake up.
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This is typical of newborns. They are used to being close and snuggled so getting used to laying flat on hard surfaces takes time to get used to. Can you wife just lie down with baby or find a comfy and safe place for her to doze off when baby is dozing? I’m thinking a recliner, something like that. How about a sling or wrap, she can safely snuggle baby in one and take a nap herself. You HAVE to learn to nap when baby naps, or you’ll be toast.

mkipp what you’re going through is normal you and wife aren’t doing anything wrong nor are you not coping well from what I can tell. The newborn stage is hard, and tiring, and changes the whole dynamic. I think what another poster said about ‘don’t think about it, just do it’ is wise. do what you have to to survive, and in the blink of an eye you will have a 1 year old and new challenges. When you’re in the thick of it it seems like FOREVER, especially when you’re sleep deprived, but it will pass. Keep the end in sight.

I think what sancta said about your wife taking charge while you are working purring the weeks is wise. Maybe you can let wife go to bed early and you can take evenings, so that you’re both getting some consecutive hours of sleep. Try different things, do what works for you.

You will survive!! prayers for you and wife.:gopray2:
 
Third or fourth - she needs to learn to nap with baby. Napping can be done with baby snuggled up next to her on the bed, or with baby in a sling while mom rests in the recliner. If mom needs a nice sleep mask, then, get her one.

Even if she does not go all the way to sleep, to lie down with babe and get some good rest…
 
mkipp said:
No not an attorney, have considered it, since I am in charge of them. One of my regrets (:(:(.) My wife has said that she never gets to take a nap during the day. And if don’t wake up and she does, she will be up all day and I feel bad for her.
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Curious, how can you “manage” attorneys or be in “charge” of them and not be practicing law? :confused:
 
I concur: Welcome to the club! 😉

It does get better. You’re one month in on the first one. I remember what that was like! I think that one month was sort of the low point for me, as well. The sleep deprivation was catching up with me, and the time where I could get more than a few hours of continuous sleep seemed so very far away.

It can be hard. Our first one was a bit fussier. It took her awhile to stop getting up so often. My wife cut out dairy from her diet, and that seemed to help a lot with the fussiness (baby was exclusively breastfed, so what the mommy eats matters a lot!).

Our second one was a breeze by comparison. The getting up during the night only lasted for the first few weeks. By two weeks, he was only getting up once to nurse (which I slept through :o). By six weeks, he was sleeping through the night.

It is hard, but you will get through it. You don’t have a choice! 😉 I am one who greatly enjoys eight hours of sleep (and prefers 9 or 10 if I can get it). Having kids certainly changed that (now, I can’t even remember the last time I got 8 hours of sleep), but I’ve gotten used to it. It just goes with the territory.
 
I hate for it to sound like my wife is not being a good mother/wife, because she is. But, I how can I make her nap during the day? She does stay up late so that when the baby goes to bed she will hopefully sleep late. It just does not happen. My wife is used to being active and busy all day at work, she is a Alzheimer’s Program Director. I think that sleeping or napping during the day is just not something that she feels like doing. But, I just got home and the house is clean! I just think, “were we ready for this?”

For the other question: I work in the insurance industry, subrogation, we figure out causes of property losses (fires, explosions, water damage, etc) I guide investigations with attorneys, and approve or disapprove of how the case comes to resolution. Majority of cases I work hand in hand with attorneys, forensics experts and other investigators… If that makes any sense.
 
I don’t think you CAN make her nap because you’re right - she doesn’t need it because she IS getting sleep. (YOU’RE the one who isn’t getting the sleep and needs the nap because you’re doing what I think she should be doing!) 🙂

When I have a newborn, I am up late at night with them because I know my DH needs to work the next day. Then I’m up early with the baby so DH can continue to sleep. So, on the nights before DH works, I’m in charge. And that makes me tired, and wanting to nap that day. Which is perfectly fine and normal! So I nap!

If you can’t get her to take over the 4am shifts for a week while you recharge your batteries, then maybe you should come right home and nap so you’re ready to go that night.

PS - I don’t think she’s a bad wife. I just think that she’s doing the same thing I would do - if my hubby did what you’re doing and never told me how exhausted he was or complained to me about it, I’d assume he was 100% fine with the arrangement and I wouldn’t try to change anything about it. After all, I like sleep too! But as soon as he told me otherwise, then yeah, I would take over so he could function at his job.

Sorry if this sounds like I’m rambling. I’m needing a nap myself about now. 😉
 
sanctareparata said:
I don’t think you CAN make her nap because you’re right - she doesn’t need it because she IS getting sleep. (YOU’RE the one who isn’t getting the sleep and needs the nap because you’re doing what I think she should be doing!) 🙂

When I have a newborn, I am up late at night with them because I know my DH needs to work the next day. Then I’m up early with the baby so DH can continue to sleep. So, on the nights before DH works, I’m in charge. And that makes me tired, and wanting to nap that day. Which is perfectly fine and normal! So I nap!

If you can’t get her to take over the 4am shifts for a week while you recharge your batteries, then maybe you should come right home and nap so you’re ready to go that night.

PS - I don’t think she’s a bad wife. I just think that she’s doing the same thing I would do - if my hubby did what you’re doing and never told me how exhausted he was or complained to me about it, I’d assume he was 100% fine with the arrangement and I wouldn’t try to change anything about it. After all, I like sleep too! But as soon as he told me otherwise, then yeah, I would take over so he could function at his job.

Sorry if this sounds like I’m rambling. I’m needing a nap myself about now. 😉
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I think what Sancta is saying - is that you need to TALK to your wife and DEFEND your *need *for sleep. Being home provides her with the opportunity to rest - so she could take advantage of that time if she were tired from waking up with the baby. But YOU need to tell her how important it is for YOU to get rest in order to financially care for the family.

When she does go back to work - consider the option of having the baby sleep with you. I know that’s NOT for everyone… but as a working mom myself, I completely understand how crucial it is to get good sleep for work! When baby sleeps with me, she sleep BETTER, then I also sleep better… and we have more time together (which is limited when you work anyway)…
Just something to consider. 🙂
 
She is not a bad mom - she is a new mom 😃

It is very difficult to shut off being a corporate work power go getter to being a napping resting baby cuddling nursing mom. Help her do that.
 
kage_ar said:
It is very difficult to shut off being a corporate work power go getter to being a napping resting baby cuddling nursing mom. Help her do that.
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… especially by invoking Our Blessed Mother’s prayers for her.
 
You have not given any indication that she is a bad mother. Being a new mom (and dad) is extremely difficult. No matter what kind of baby you have, it’s really REALLY hard. The first 3 months are like torture. You feel like it’s never going to end. It’s that hard.

Your wife (like someone said) doesn’t realize how you feel b/c you haven’t told her. If you told her how you’re feeling, I’m sure she would be surprised. I don’t think she’s being a bad wife, she’s just being a new mommy and it’s a lot of work!!!

You need your sleep. You can’t keep waking up at 4:00 a.m. and function. It’s not going to work for your marriage or for your sanity. I’m sure if you tell her how you feel, you guys can work it out. Even if it becomes an argument, you guys will eventually find something that works.

Great that you came home to a clean house 👍…sounds like she’s adjusting.

I am having another one in 4 months and I tell ya, I am not looking forward to those first 3 months!!! I am so in-love with my new son already and can’t wait to hold him, but if I could give birth to a 3 month old baby, that would be perfect 😛
 
We had a pretty nice weekend. I was able to get about 6-7 hours of sleep both days. We went to church as a family on Sunday. Then dropped off the baby at the grandparents, and my wife and I relaxed at the beach for a few hours.
 
mkipp said:
We had a pretty nice weekend. I was able to get about 6-7 hours of sleep both days. We went to church as a family on Sunday. Then dropped off the baby at the grandparents, and my wife and I relaxed at the beach for a few hours.
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Glad to hear you had a good weekend!🙂

You’re really blessed to have grandparents to look after baby, that’ great. I don’t have a newborn and what I wouldn’t give to sit on the beach sans kids for one hour!! That’s great, take advantage of it. I hope you guys got to talks some, the new parent gig isn’t easy and keeping communication open is essential.
 
Serap said:
I am so in-love with my new son already and can’t wait to hold him, but if I could give birth to a 3 month old baby, that would be perfect 😛
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Though it might make the delivery a bit more difficult! 😉
 
This is how I nap during the day with a newborn: Around my afternoon slump time (coordinated with a likely baby nap time of course), I send the kids downstairs to play. They are old enough to play in our basement alone for a while. Then I gather the essentials: remote control, phone, bottle of water, burp cloth. And I prop myself up on the couch (or lie down on the couch), turn on some cheesy afternnoon tv, and nurse the baby to sleep. Then I just drift off. If there is a kid-emergency, I’m right in the living room. It’s not perfect, but I’ll get from 20m to an hour of sleep, and it’s how I survive for the first few months.

I’d also suggest that maybe you go to bed earlier for the next month, with the understanding that this won’t last for too long. Or switch shifts with your wife. You take the earlier time (so you can go back to sleep) and give her the 4am feeding. Since she doesn’t have to get up when you do, she might be able to go back to sleep then. Also, are you sure the baby really needs to be changed? Of my 4 kids, only one actually wouldn’t sleep at night in a messy diaper. The others didn’t really care, so I never changed a diaper in the night unless it was a major disaster. I’ve been known to use a larger size at night for that reason. It’s totally about survival for the first couple of months, but I do agree, my dh’s safety driving is really important, and for that reason, I don’t expect him to get up most nights (that and the fact that my babies don’t take bottles).
 
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