Struggle in the countdown to marriage

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Poglife2171

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I recently got engaged to my beautiful fiancee this December and in the countdown to the wedding next year is starting to really show on the two of us. I am converting to Catholicism for her and the deepening of our faith is growing our attraction to each other at an exponential rate.

We are abstinent, and staying that way till marriage, the goodbyes after each date are getting sweeter and longer. We have been caught up in the moment often with kisses and touching. When we realize that we are a little farther than we should be we pull back from it and settle down. I know lusting is of grave matter, but I also know, a strong longing desire for each other is encouraged by the Church. My question is in these situations where we get caught up in the moment and pull back when we understand it is getting carried away, have we Mortally sinned or was it Venial since we are deliberately making an effort to keep ourselves under control?
 
Certain forms of kissing or touching can be near occasions of sin. But even then, there is no universal rule I believe. It is a case by case, only you know if you have crossed the line. Read about examination of conscience.
 
So I can pay for the wedding in cash up front and so I can give her a very nice wedding. She’s from the Philippines as well so it gives us time to get all her baptism documents sent over here
 
Yes, yes I would continue to convert. Converting wasn’t even her idea. I did it for her and she never asked me or pressured me to. She was used to going to her step dad’s methodist church and was willing to get married even to a protestant. But I wanted to “love her like Christ loved the loved church and gave himself up for her” and going through RCIA has shown me a light into the Catholic faith and its history.
 
Here are the most important two questions:
  1. When you get “caught up” do you feel that you have stepped past the point where your actions truthfully convey your love and respect for each other, or that you are just approaching the point where they don’t?
  2. Do both of you understand pulling back as the truly loving action that it is?
If you are stopping before the point of a lie, and you both are appreciative of how much you value each other and protect each other’s purity (and you aren’t causing scandal) then I would say you aren’t on the threshold of sin at all.

If, on the other hand, you are only catching the problem after you’ve moved past your actions being honest and loving that’s a problem. It’s not just a problem of purity either, through your actions you are lying to your fiancée.

As practical advice I would say cultivate an awareness of just how much love stepping back conveys. Ideally cooling off should feel like a ramping up, not of your heart rate but of your love for each other. Make respecting and protecting your beloved the next logical escalation of all your actions.
 
I mean our actions never feel in a way that we are trying to squeeze pleasure out of each other without sin, We both desire to show affection for each other and respect our boundries. And we try to stay away from those boundries in the first place.

I’m not “lying” like as in I’m not honest about my intentions and I don’t respect her boundries.

Sometimes however we are so happy to see each other succeed in life, and our attraction for each other and our passion to serve one another that we just get carried away with our affection.
 
If it were me, I would talk with a priest as they can more than likely help you better than we can. Knowing that you are in the process of converting, I would talk with one of the priests at the parish you are converting at, OR if you don’t feel comfortable with that, find another parish and talk with a priest there. You don’t need to be Catholic to schedule an appointment to discuss this. He would be able to give you the best advice and information.

God bless you on your journey and for recognizing the evil one is trying to tempt you.
 
I’m in very regular communication with the father about this and about my confirmation this Easter, I’m just seeking some extra experience points and prudence/wisdom here thats all 😊
 
I didn’t mean lying verbally, I meant lying with your actions.

In general it sounds like you have a responsible approach. You aren’t going down the usual “how far can we go without sinning” and you aim to stop well short of the boundaries.

In general, if you are stopping because you realize one of you is approaching a boundary then you are probably in a good position. If you are stopping after you realize you crossed a line, that’s a warning sign.
 
Poglife2171 said:
So I can pay for the wedding in cash up front and so I can give her a very nice wedding.
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That’s a nice thought, but how important is having “a very nice wedding”? It’s possible to get married cheaply. It’s the marriage that’s important, not how much you spent on the wedding.
Poglife2171 said:
She’s from the Philippines as well so it gives us time to get all her baptism documents sent over here
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It shouldn’t take over a year to get some documents in the mail.
 
True a very nice wedding isn’t necessary, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing to want to create a nice memory for her. “Cheap” is a bad way to start, while careless material spending is shallow, cheaping out on the wedding isn’t good either. It should be a gift to your wife to make one of her most important events in her life special.

You have a very optimistic view about the documents, in a country where most local Catholic churches do not even have email addresses yet, including her parish. Also with her dead-beat father not helping us at all has made it an absolute nightmare.
 
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