Struggle with Parents and Wedding Reception

[phillylawyer]

Really? People would get mad if they went to a wedding and the reception and party wasn’t nice enough for them? If I could congratulate the bride and groom and say hi to some friends and family that I hadn’t seem in a while, that would be fine with me. If I was still hungry after the wedding/reception, I could always stop for a sandwich somewhere for 5 bucks.

I agree with the advice that - if you pay for the wedding and reception, you do what you want. If your parents pay for it, then sit down with them and talk about a budget. If your parents are really paying for most of the wedding and they are willing to pay for whatever expenses it takes to get their house ready for the reception, then let it go.

My inlaws had some sort of eccentric ideas about the reception, but they paid for most of the wedding. So, I got to marry my wonderful wife, and my family and friends were there. The rest is all noise. (honestly, the wedding will be such a blur, you probably won’t remember much of it anyway). Maybe as a guy my perspective is different, though.

If you focus more on the marriage than the wedding, you will be in good shape.

 

[Xantippe]

Really? People would get mad if they went to a wedding and the reception and party wasn’t nice enough for them? If I could congratulate the bride and groom and say hi to some friends and family that I hadn’t seem in a while, that would be fine with me. If I was still hungry after the wedding/reception, I could always stop for a sandwich somewhere for 5 bucks.

**Nobody said that. I said that if I’d bought a plane ticket and bought a nice gift, I’d want to at least have a cupcake and a cup of punch.

Not unreasonable, I think.

In my experience, inadequate food is the one thing that guests complain about after weddings. I heard a funny story in the past year about a family wedding where everything was Facebook-worthy–lovely chapel, lovely dresses, lovely miniature cake, but there weren’t enough chairs for the guests, there wasn’t any cake for the guests (just for the bride and groom and one or two other people), there weren’t enough plastic cups and there was barely anything to eat for the guests (only about 40 of them). Plus, they only had the use of the chairs for one hour, so at the end of the hour, the chairs started to be folded up and put away!!! I talked to a survivor of this event, and she was SO happy her family had sandwiches on the way there–otherwise they would have been starving. She figured that if the bride and groom had spent an extra $40 on plastic cups, drinks and a Costco tray, it would have been 100% better. When people spend big bucks on the stuff that photographs well and then cheap out on their guests’ physical comfort, it makes a terrible impression.
**

 

[phillylawyer]

Fair enough. I’m sure my wife would be appalled by my comments/views. She is a good southern hostess. It’s good I married her with her excellent hosting skills. I’ve been to a number of weddings where the food was terrible (or non existent) and I just went out to eat afterwards. I just figure the couple had so much else to think about, that if they spen time prepping for their marriage, then it’s probably for the better. I guess there is a skill to being a good host even (especially) at your own wedding.
as I said, it’s probably good I married such a wonderful woman who is great at these skills (and did spend a lot of time thinking about these details so the guests would be happy, while I was studying in law school).
I married up. What can I say?

 

[CatholicServant]

This is your wedding and not theres.

Boundaries need to be set up.

Be clear and concise and to the point. It’s far more practical to have the wedding at your future in-laws house. End of story. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but I’m not sure why they are as this decision has nothing to do with you as parents. It’s just far more practical and cost-effective.

I understand that parents who foot the bill may have a some say in what they are paying for but it shouldn’t interfere with what the bride and grooms wants and needs. It’s not their wedding! Paying for it is a gift and should not be looked at as a plan to do things their way.

My MIL tried to step in with a few ideas and thoughts and I turned them all down immediately. They weren’t practical and we couldn’t afford them. I wasn’t going to walk on eggshells around anyone to make everybody happy. You know what? Our relationship never suffered and we moved on.

If it’s not your vision to have the reception in your parent’s backyard/house…then don’t do it. You know why and you shouldn’t compromise on something that is completely reasonable.

The reception has got to be help somewhere. You can’t make them happy by splitting the reception. Someone’s feelings might have to be hurt….either yours or theres. It’s your wedding, so I don’t understand why you should be the one to compromise on anything you deem reasonable and attainable.

I agree with this 100% - despite who pays for what - the wedding is the Husband and Wife’s day and no one else

 

[1newcatholic]

Communication is the most important thing in wedding planning (and marriage, BTW).

A lot of posters have made guesses about why your parents want the reception to be held at their house, but only your parents really know. You would probably benefit from discovering their motivations. From the sound of your post, you aren’t really sure why they feel as they do. Find out the real reason(s) before making any final decisions. You may be breaking some archaic rule of wedding etiquette that is irrelevant to everyone under 75, but which is very important to your parents and their friends. Or perhaps your parents are embarrassed about being obviously poorer than your future in-laws. Or maybe they’ve been planning on fixing up the yard for your wedding for the last 20 years. Maybe they see this as the last thing they can do for their little girl before she becomes a woman. Maybe it’s something else. You have to ask them to find out, so talk to them.

If your parents are helping with the cost of the wedding, try to show some respect for their feelings, even if those feelings are inconvenient. You may be entitled to have your day your way, but your parents’ attitude towards your groom and his family may potentially affect your marriage for a very long time. If your parents are grudge-holders, a little basic courtesy now (while you’re planning the wedding) will go a long way towards a smoother ride for the next few years. If they are willing to pay to make their backyard and other facilities suitable, does it really matter to you that you didn’t get your way? Why is it important (to you) that they save their money when they would rather spend it on your special day? Do you want them to spend their own money differently?

In the end, the decision is yours. At worst, your parents could refuse to help with the cost of the wedding or reception if it’s not done to their satisfaction. This would seem childish and unfortunate, but it happens. Like the Bible says, “count the the cost” of getting exactly what you want. The best thing to do is talk to them and explain your reasoning, and to listen to theirs, and then reach a decision together like adults.

Good luck.

 

[jlc2k2]

I don’t know how young “early thirties” makes me, but I don’t agree with the idea in this thread that it doesn’t matter what the parents think. Yes, it is their wedding, but unless they are paying themselves they have to involve others in the decision making.

I’m generally of the opinion that if you accept money from people, you accept the strings that come along with that money. If you want to have everything exactly as you want, pay for it yourself. Regardless of whether or not the parents are being unreasonable (they well may be), the couple does not have to accept their money if they don’t like the conditions that go along with it.

I do think that having the reception at a more neutral place might be the best solution in this situation. It might actually be much less expensive and less stressful. If the parents are paying for most of the wedding, they do deserve to weigh in. “We’re adults and have decided to hold the reception at fiancé’s house” doesn’t work unless they are adults who can pay for what they want themselves.

I agree with this. My parents paid for a large chunk of my wedding but so did DH and I. Anything I was adamant about having my way, we paid for. Everything else was negotiable.

And just for kicks, I’m 30. Not sure where that puts me on the age spectrum either.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I would love for people responding to this thread to post their ages. I think the younger folk are saying “Do what you want. It’s your wedding.” Just an impression.

How about having a small tea with cake in the church cafeteria/gathering space? then no one is on the hook to remodel their home and costs are certainly kept under control. You are under zero obligation to offer anyone a full sit down meal, or even a sandwich! A couple hours, and off on your honeymoon.

My one son’s honeymoon consisted of flying from Milwaukee to Oklahoma City, where he reported to his base the next afternoon. Neither he nor his bride minded - they were married and together and very happy.

To our bride-to-be, I would like to suggest a book for you to read: Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. She lists what’s right and wrong according to modern etiquette standards - and it may help you to smooth out some ruffled feathers. it’s available in our library

DH and I were in our mid-twenties when we got married a couple of years ago.

Well over half our guests flew in from around the country. Some were family members who hadn’t seen each other in years; in some cases, family members from one side hadn’t met the bride/groom from the other side. Of course we threw a reception! It would have been rude not to at least offer these kind people dinner after they came so far, and, quite frankly, what’s not to celebrate about a wedding? We wanted to party with our family and friends before we headed off to a wonderful honeymoon.

Mind you, we did not go overboard. I baked my own cakes and did all my decorations and flowers. The entire reception budget for over 100 guests was $3000, and we easily came in at that while paying for plenty of seating, lots of very good food, non-alcoholic drinks, and wine and beer. (We had a cash bar if anyone wanted hard liquor.) We paid for everything ourselves, however; if parents were chipping in, they would have had some say, I imagine.

 

[lynnareyno]

Marbleartist said

Traditionally, the groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s parents host the reception. **I think it is odd and intrusive that the groom’s parents have offered their home for the reception- and certainly breaks with etiquette. **It also intimates that they feel their home and yard are superior to your family home. I think it is sad that you agree. It is YOUR wedding, but the relationship with your parents and your in-laws will last until death- so you need to consider everyone’s feelings and, yes, proper etiquette. Everyone knows the traditional hosts for each event, and to veer from that will, at the very least, look strange.

I understand why the bride’s parents are hurt and upset. They are the traditional hosts of the wedding reception and to have the groom’s parents usurp this honor that belongs to them is a slap in the face. The groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and can show off their “superior” home then. I think the bride is being self centered, snobby and callous to her parents. Of course, this is her special day, but this can be inrerpreted by her parents as her choosing her in laws and more upscale life style over the lifetime of love that her parents have given her. I strongly suggest that the reception be at her parents home or at another venue that her parents are comfortable with…regardless who is paying! It is out of respect for her parents. There is a difference between being a bride and being 'bridezilla". Honor thy Father and Mother…not the fancy things that money can buy.
( Yes, I am an “older traditional” woman, but sometimes there are good reasons for tradition and based on courtesy.)

 

[lynnareyno]

This…

Communication is the most important thing in wedding planning (and marriage, BTW).

A lot of posters have made guesses about why your parents want the reception to be held at their house, but only your parents really know. You would probably benefit from discovering their motivations. From the sound of your post, you aren’t really sure why they feel as they do. Find out the real reason(s) before making any final decisions. You may be breaking some archaic rule of wedding etiquette that is irrelevant to everyone under 75, but which is very important to your parents and their friends. Or perhaps your parents are embarrassed about being obviously poorer than your future in-laws. Or maybe they’ve been planning on fixing up the yard for your wedding for the last 20 years. Maybe they see this as the last thing they can do for their little girl before she becomes a woman. Maybe it’s something else. You have to ask them to find out, so talk to them.

If your parents are helping with the cost of the wedding, try to show some respect for their feelings, even if those feelings are inconvenient. You may be entitled to have your day your way, but your parents’ attitude towards your groom and his family may potentially affect your marriage for a very long time. If your parents are grudge-holders, a little basic courtesy now (while you’re planning the wedding) will go a long way towards a smoother ride for the next few years. If they are willing to pay to make their backyard and other facilities suitable, does it really matter to you that you didn’t get your way? Why is it important (to you) that they save their money when they would rather spend it on your special day? Do you want them to spend their own money differently?

In the end, the decision is yours. At worst, your parents could refuse to help with the cost of the wedding or reception if it’s not done to their satisfaction. This would seem childish and unfortunate, but it happens. Like the Bible says, “count the the cost” of getting exactly what you want. The best thing to do is talk to them and explain your reasoning, and to listen to theirs, and then reach a decision together like adults.

Good luck.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Marbleartist said

I understand why the bride’s parents are hurt and upset. They are the traditional hosts of the wedding reception and to have the groom’s parents usurp this honor that belongs to them is a slap in the face. The groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and can show off their “superior” home then. I think the bride is being self centered, snobby and callous to her parents. Of course, this is her special day, but this can be inrerpreted by her parents as her choosing her in laws and more upscale life style over the lifetime of love that her parents have given her. I strongly suggest that the reception be at her parents home or at another venue that her parents are comfortable with…regardless who is paying! It is out of respect for her parents. There is a difference between being a bride and being 'bridezilla". Honor thy Father and Mother…not the fancy things that money can buy.
( Yes, I am an “older traditional” woman, but sometimes there are good reasons for tradition and based on courtesy.)

I’m not sure this is merely snobbishness. As per the OP, her parent’s house doesn’t have “sufficient bathroom facilities, power, or level ground.” The first item alone, surely, would be sufficient reason not to host a large gathering there? I mean, call me picky, but I’ve never particularly enjoyed a party at which I spend half my time with my legs crossed and waiting for a bathroom…

If it were me, I’d go with choosing a neutral location to avoid “choosing” between either set of parents, but I have to think that the bathroom concern is quite valid. And if I’m dressed in my best and about to eat, I don’t really want to use a rather insanitary porta-john.

 

[Allegra]

I’m not sure this is merely snobbishness. As per the OP, her parent’s house doesn’t have “sufficient bathroom facilities, power, or level ground.” The first item alone, surely, would be sufficient reason not to host a large gathering there? I mean, call me picky, but I’ve never particularly enjoyed a party at which I spend half my time with my legs crossed and waiting for a bathroom…

If it were me, I’d go with choosing a neutral location to avoid “choosing” between either set of parents, but I have to think that the bathroom concern is quite valid. And if I’m dressed in my best and about to eat, I don’t really want to use a rather insanitary porta-john.

I agree. The poster didn’t say the groom’s parents’ house was nicer, fancier or more upscale. She said her parents’ house didn’t have enough johns and wasn’t on flat ground. I recently attended a home wedding reception with portapotties and did you know there’s no light in those things? Someone put a candle in there, so people had to try to use the toilet, in a closet, in an evenig gown, without setting their hair on fire.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree. The poster didn’t say the groom’s parents’ house was nicer, fancier or more upscale. She said her parents’ house didn’t have enough johns and wasn’t on flat ground. I recently attended a home wedding reception with portapotties and did you know there’s no light in those things? Someone put a candle in there, so people had to try to use the toilet, in a closet, in an evenig gown, without setting their hair on fire.

Funny!

I’m so glad I wasn’t there!

 

[UbiCaritas]

I recently attended a home wedding reception with portapotties and did you know there’s no light in those things? Someone put a candle in there, so people had to try to use the toilet, in a closet, in an evenig gown, without setting their hair on fire.

howls with laughter

That is a setting worthy of a Dawn French “Vicar of Dibley” skit.

pauses, howls once again

Thank you, I so needed that tonight!

 

[gh4]

I had two sons! Thank goodness. I, too, think way too much money is spent on weddings. My son and his fiancé made their own decisions and her parents paid for that $25,000 wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and reception. I hosted the rehearsal dinner and choose the place I wanted (the couple were from different sides of town) but I did choose a place that was convenient for the majority of those attending. The parents had the wedding reception at a facility that was a bit more convenient to my Son’s family and guests. I figured that was nice because the bride’s parents were paying for it and they could very well have chosen a place nearer their area. It worked out well.

I figure that whoever is paying for the wedding gets to help make the decisions and help to choose where they everything happens. If your parents are paying and adamant that your fiancé’s parent’s house not be the venue, then I’d try to have it at a restaurant or a hall of some sort.
The hall my son and his fiancé picked was actually at a water park and was wonderful and the service and food was fabulous.

Good luck, and remember the main thing is that you are getting married, congratulations.

 

[felsguy]

I agree with others that it is your wedding, and ultimately you must decide how you want your wedding to be.

Couldn’t agree more with this advice to a bride-to-be. (In all seriousness, I would advise a groom-to-be somewhat differently but that’s for another thread.)

My two cents bottom line: if you are going to reject your parent’s offer of having it at their home that is fine, but I would do the kind thing and have it at a hall or restaurant instead. Saying “Not your home, I like their home better” is going to hurt.

I think the above very clearly identifies that that are really two issues at play here. The first is is it your call to decide where your reception will be, regardless of who is paying for it. I say absolutely it is. But the second is what effect will it have on your parents if under the circumstances you describe you choose to have it at the home of your your in-laws-to be. Here I advise you to think very carefully. Weddings can be very stressful occasions. Hurts and slights, real or imagined, are often easily taken and worse yet can lead to strained relationships for many years to come.

And oh yes, I’m older than dirt.

 

[Pax2u]

Add me to the crowd who think couples spend WAY too much money on weddings. It really is such a show.

In the situation described by the OP, I would tell my daughter that we would be happy to host her reception at our home, at our expense. If that isn’t what she decides to do, here is $__ (whatever amount you and your husband feel appropriate/affordable) that we will contribute toward your wedding expenses, for whatever you decide.

I would say it in a nice (not whiney!) way, and let her know whatever her decision, you are fine with it. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it’s so not a big deal!!!

 

[aicirt]

Please consider the possibility of bad weather if you are really serious about an outdoor wedding. One we attended was held in a deluge. Even though the house was big, all got soaked. People were sinking into the mud. Not pleasant for anyone.

Second affair was held on a beautiful day but it was stiffling under the tents. Very hot and few could find a cool place. Also table and chairs were unbalanced.

The groom’s parents offering to have the reception in their place would be to me unacceptable. You are the bride and this is your parents’ obligation which, apparently, they are willing to assume. It is obvious that you think your folk’s place isn’t up to snuff. Looks like your future in-laws are saying same by making this offer. How do you think this makes your parents feel?

The groom’s parents are responsible for the rehersal dinner. The way this is going, the groom’s parents will be hosting both the rehersal dinner and the reception. Just how are your parents to fit in with that? I certainly would not feel welcome to suggest how the place should be decorated when it is being held in another’s home. You are marginalizing your parents. Find a neutral venue and include your parents. The groom’s parents can work on the rehersal dinner. Take Mom shopping for your dress.

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree with others that it is your wedding, and ultimately you must decide how you want your wedding to be. That being said here are a few thoughts:

Your parents and in-laws tug-of-war over the reception is on a deeper personal level because it involves their homes. If they disagreed over favorite restaurants that would be one thing, **but asking one woman to pay for a party that is going to be hosted at another woman’s home may make her feel awkward. I know that I would feel extremely strange as the mother-of-the bride paying for a wedding, being a hostess in someone else’s home? ** The mother-of-the bride is really in the role of the hostess in many ways. That doesn’t mean your parents should get their way, but understanding that they may feel strange about the set up should make sense to everyone involved.

However, it does seem unfair that your parents have had this fantasy about the reception being at their house all your life and never let you in on the secret until now!

My two cents bottom line: if you are going to reject your parent’s offer of having it at their home that is fine, but I would do the kind thing and have it at a hall or restaurant instead. Saying “Not your home, I like their home better” is going to hurt. God bless you please be assured of my prayers.

This is a very good point. I can understand the mother feeling put out by such a prospect.

 

[NSFrame]

I suppose it is “your day” but it’s also a big day for the parents, the mother of the bride even more so. Weddings are family events, not pagaents for the bride. Or at least they should be. In planning you have to take your mother’s little “fantasies” into account, because she’s been dreaming of this day almost as much as you have. Ex. my mother was adamant we have an aisle runner, even though the church said no. I personally didn’t care. But I let her fight that battle because it was important to her. I let her pick a more traditional photographer instead of the modern photojournalist. She and I picked the reception site together, me bowing to her budget and tastes instead of insisting on the city-hotel type thing DH wanted.

Btw I got married in 2005 - which I don’t think is the olden days.

 

[masondoggy]

I think if the brides parents are footing the bill, they get a say in where it is held. If the couple plans on paying for it themselves, they should have it where they want BUT be tactful and considerate of brides parents feelings. Don’t stand there stomping your foot “It’s MY wedding!” but thank them for being so kind to offer their home for the event but that you and your husband wish to have it elsewhere. Maybe allow them to have some (name removed by moderator)ut on another area of the wedding planning such as picking flowers or decorations.

You can be respectful to your parents and still do things your way (as long as you plan on paying for it yourself)