Struggles with Forgiving

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OnAJourney

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A few months ago before I went on my exploration with faith, I was homeless in a city far away from my original home. I had a friend and former partner that could not provide shelter to me because of his roommate. She was a member of his parish and she was essentially threatening to pull out of her lease if he dared allow me to stay even one night in his home. (He and I both have SSA and even though I was not on the path to faith at the time, I told him expressly that I would respect his celibacy as a friend.)

At got to a point where I needed a place to stay for one night, so that the next day I could make it to the bus station to make the 3 day journey back home to family on the other side of the country. Even in that circumstance she still refused, and refused even to talk to me directly. All of her communications were done through my friend and ex partner.

Looking back now as someone who is on the path to becoming a Catholic I struggle with finding it in myself to forgive her uncharitable treatment of me. God commands us to forgive those who trespass against us, but in this case I struggle. I don’t want to hold on to the anger or the bitterness because I know that it will do no good for my mental well being or for the well being of my soul.

I’m unsure of how to forgive the actions of someone who treated me in such a way, in what was the most desperate of times I’ve ever experienced in my life. How do I move on to the path of forgiving her?
 
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Pray for her.

The prayers may start out rather grudging (like praying that she’ll realize her lack of compassion) and ideally you will be able to move to a point where you can honestly pray that God will bless her in every way.

When you can pray she’ll be blessed, you know you have forgiven her. And that’s good for both of you. You don’t want her to have this level of control over your life.
 
Forgiveness is an act of the will, so will to forgive her. That doesn’t mean that you can’t recall the hurt that was caused, or become angry at the lack of love shown…just that you hope you and her both can one day share in God’s glory in Heaven. The fact that you are struggling to to forgive, is a good sign in the right direction! You WANT to, but are still hurt.

A prayer that I have used many times myself: “God, I want to forgive [whomever] and I do forgive him/her, even though I am still angry. Please help me to come to love him/her and I pray that we may both rejoice in your presence one day.”
 
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Forgiveness is for yourself. Forgive doesn’t mean forget. It means you no longer let her define your world. Might you rejoice (I presume) that you are no longer on the streets and she no longer has dominion over you.
 
I agree with @SuscipeMeDomine . Pray for her. Also, pray that God may help you to forgive her.

Also, St Maria Goretti is the patron saint of forgiveness and you could pray to her!
 
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OnAJourney said:
(He and I both have SSA and even though I was not on the path to faith at the time,
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As a total aside, and this might not be the case with you, if you are to adopt being celebrate simply because of Catholic teaching, consider that choice. The Catholic Church itself believes gay people are innately gay and that people (including themselves) need to respect that. If you can’t buy into celibacy, at least partially for non-religious reasons, life could be difficult. I’d rather you be Christian first than anything else.
 
I’ve put thought into it and I feel like given some of my life choices in the past, I think celibacy would probably be something to bring some stability to my life and less impulsive decisions on my part.
 
I have my own secular reasoning as well as theology behind my decision
 
Forgiveness is an act of love, to forget is an act of humility.
(Not my words, they have stuck with me)
 
OnAJourney said:
I’ve put thought into it and I feel like given some of my life choices in the past, I think celibacy would probably be something to bring some stability to my life and less impulsive decisions on my part.
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While I don’t think LBGT and Christianity are mutually exclusive, I can support that. However I know at least one person, with an LGBT experience who was fervently Christian and seeking a PhD some field of Christian theology, who has given up on Jesus for now or maybe forever. This person is still perusing a theological PhD, but they feel so completely rejected by Christianity that they reject it, even though they are (were) way beyond deep into it. I so hate watching Christianity (or many other religions) chew and spit out LGBT people when there is a truth well beyond such issues.
 
I get what you mean. And I’m figuring out my place within Christianity myself. I know that God doesn’t hate me for who I am. He’ll certainly disapprove of some actions I take due to my own inclinations, but then that’s each and every Christian already.

I think having a relationship with God and being in communion with him would bring some inner peace to myself.
 
OnAJourney said:
He’ll certainly disapprove of some actions I take due to my own inclinations, but then that’s each and every Christian already.
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Such an important statement I believe on the topic. Giving up on God for any “impurity” is not our call. All Christians live in some imperfection (I might suggest those who think otherwise are guilty of that sin). I hope for you to find a platonic “gay” relationship or similar to fulfill you.
 
That’s an interesting way to put it. I’ll have to remind myself of that.
 
My first thought is that no one is obligated to give you a place to stay for the night. It was an expectation or assumption on your part. It is almost like–you are on your own. While it would be comfortable to spend a night at a friend’s home, you could stay at the bus station, or check into a hotel. Perhaps call another friend. When I was younger, I had to be independent. I had to fend for myself. Sure, sometimes friends reached out to me, but not always. It was tough. What I am saying is that this person said no. It was her right to do so. It’s not what you liked or wanted. But that is how it was. Forgive her. We could say as Jesus said on the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Pray for God to give you the grace to forgive. And, forgive her as God has forgiven you your sins. I don’t like what she did for whatever reason, but you can’t hold on to resentment. There will be others who will care for you–nurture those friendships. I am sorry that this situation has taken hold of your thoughts and feelings. I pray for you to move on to positive thinking. There is a lot of good for you in the days ahead. Don’t let this block your blessings.
 
In my circumstance I could not check into a hotel because I had basically nothing in the way of money. The bus station that I was supposed to go to was 60 miles from where I was. And I tried to call other people for a place to stay and could not get help. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I was basically broke and exhausted all the other options, that’s my fault for not bringing it up. He was my option of last resort for a place to stay.

I think the reasoning for her doing so is more of what I have struggles with forgiving. She did it on the basis of me having SSA, and my friend also having SSA. It would be one thing to say no because of a number of other reasons, and I wouldn’t necessarily like it but it would sting a lot less than what happened with my case. Christians are called forward to help those who are in need, not turn them away because of their own sin
 
First, do not discount the possibility that your friend/ ex-partner might not have told you the full story and may have used this roommate as an excuse/ scapegoat for why he wouldn’t let you stay over. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not want a former partner who suddenly turns up homeless to stay in their home. Since you never spoke to this woman at all, but just took your friend’s word for what was going on, you have no idea what she actually said or if your friend exaggerated it or even just made the whole thing up. I know we all want to trust our friends, but I have seen and even been in this situation in the past (someone I used to be close to who was homeless just showed up at my apartment all of a sudden needing crash space) and people feel guilty when they maybe don’t want to help and they will say and do all kinds of things.

Second, the best prayer when you can’t forgive is to just pray to God to give you the strength to forgive and let go. Repeat every day, “Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who have trespassed against me.” If you want God to forgive you, then you have to act towards others the way you want God to act towards you . Read Matthew 18:21-35.

I also recommend the use of a Pardon Crucifix. You hold it and pray “Our Father who art in heaven, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” or alternatively, “I beg the Blessed Virgin Mary to pray to the Lord our God for me" and think about forgiving your enemy. It was approved by a previous Pope, but there is no indulgence attached to it any more (regardless of what you read on the Internet). I have one on my rosary and I think it really helped me forgive some people who did much worse things to me than not let me stay in their apartment.
 
You make a fair point. Perhaps he did exaggerate or lied. That is certainly a possibility. The only reason I don’t believe he lied or exaggerated the situation is because I have no evidence to believe so. And I would not want to impugne the motives of someone that I’m still friends with today.

I will also have to remember that for the future. I actually just prayed about it a few moments ago for my morning prayer to start off the day.
 
Friends are human. They can be unreliable. They have limits and aren’t always comfortable stating their limit plainly, as in, “I want to be your friend, but I do not feel comfortable doing X for you, you’re asking too much.” Accepting this about people has helped me keep from being perpetually upset in life.
 
You have to start where you are now. Someone you trusted and considered a good friend, disappointed you. You need to forgive someone for an injustice done to you. First, acknowledge that you were hurt. Then forgive the person(s) who hurt you. Pray for them. A Priest recently suggested a New Year’s Resolution: Pick someone and pray for him/her for 30 days. One thing that we expect of people when they hurt us is an apology. This would be a form of closure on the matter. Sometimes you will not get an apology. The saying goes: I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry.
 
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