Struggles With SSA, Abnormality; Not Sure What To Do

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CaptBell800

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I’m not sure if this is the correct area of the forum for this, please let me know if it belongs elsewhere.

I’m in a difficult situation without much of an idea on how to move forward. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in my private life, so I’m hoping I can get some suggestions here. I am a college-age (mid-20s) man. I’ve realized over the past couple of years that I have attraction to other men. This has caused me more and more strife lately as it’s left me feeling lost. It’s also confusing, since I am also attracted to women.

Before I say any more, I would like to make a few things clear, as I have seen such things come up in these kinds of discussions.
  1. I’ve never actually acted on these feelings
  2. I’ve never suffered any kind of sexual abuse
  3. I entirely accept that they are abnormal; my purpose is not to ask if they are okay.
As I mentioned, I’ve never acted on these feelings. But I’ve come to realize that my sexuality is deeply troubling to me. I’ve struggled with masturbation (not doing very well in those struggles) ever since I hit puberty. I was raised in a non-religious household and so I didn’t really have anyone to teach me it was wrong. By the time I converted to Catholicism, I was deeply entrenched in the habit. I’ve only recently realized how difficult it is for me, though. I kind of get the feeling that this habit had some kind of involvement in these attractions, though I don’t know for sure. I’m not sure what caused them.

These conflicting feelings, along with that addiction, has left me quite isolated. I’ve never had a relationship; I’ve never even been on a date. That’s the strangest part, too, is that most of my trouble is psychological. I’ve never acted on these feelings with another person, though I guess the masturbation is just as bad. I do my best to avoid anything that can make me think about sexual things, but the smallest little things will cause a flare-up. I can be fine in the morning and very weak by the end of the day.

I don’t even have a good way of knowing what to ask. I just feel like I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with in my own life. Nobody in my family knows about it and I certainly don’t want to tell them. I’ve tried asking about it in non-religious message boards, but people are usually quick to try to get me to accept it as “normal” or label me as a troll. And I apologize if the details are lewd, I’m not really sure what the standard is for this site.

So I guess I would just like any advice I can be given, thank you.
 
I am sorry you are struggling with this; I will be praying for you. I don’t know a lot about SSA but you are very courageous for recognizing it and wanting to deal with this.

I remember in the Catholic campus ministry I was involved with in college had a priest present on SSA. This is a website he recommended and the Catholic Church does too: couragerc.net/.

Also, I would really encourage you to find a priest and/or Catholic therapist to talk to. Please don’t feel like you need to deal with this all alone.
 
Thank you both for the resource, it is appreciated. I remember briefly hearing about Courage before, but I had entirely forgotten about it. It looks like a good place to start.
 
Go to confession as soon as possible when you need it, while you only need to go to Mass on Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation more often is better as is frequent reception of communion (only in a state of grace though). Praying the rosary regularly is also advisable.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
Go to confession as soon as possible when you need it, while you only need to go to Mass on Sundays and other Holy Days of Obligation more often is better as is frequent reception of communion (only in a state of grace though). Praying the rosary regularly is also advisable.
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Thank you for the suggestion. I have not been to confession or received communion for quite some time. It’s been difficult for me to bring myself to confess this. But I know that I have to and that staying away is only making things worse. I’ll try to go as soon as I can.
 
CaptBell800 said:
I’m not sure if this is the correct area of the forum for this, please let me know if it belongs elsewhere.

I’m in a difficult situation without much of an idea on how to move forward. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in my private life, so I’m hoping I can get some suggestions here. I am a college-age (mid-20s) man. I’ve realized over the past couple of years that I have attraction to other men. This has caused me more and more strife lately as it’s left me feeling lost. It’s also confusing, since I am also attracted to women.

Before I say any more, I would like to make a few things clear, as I have seen such things come up in these kinds of discussions.
  1. I’ve never actually acted on these feelings
  2. I’ve never suffered any kind of sexual abuse
  3. I entirely accept that they are abnormal; my purpose is not to ask if they are okay.
As I mentioned, I’ve never acted on these feelings. But I’ve come to realize that my sexuality is deeply troubling to me. I’ve struggled with masturbation (not doing very well in those struggles) ever since I hit puberty. I was raised in a non-religious household and so I didn’t really have anyone to teach me it was wrong. By the time I converted to Catholicism, I was deeply entrenched in the habit. I’ve only recently realized how difficult it is for me, though. I kind of get the feeling that this habit had some kind of involvement in these attractions, though I don’t know for sure. I’m not sure what caused them.

These conflicting feelings, along with that addiction, has left me quite isolated. I’ve never had a relationship; I’ve never even been on a date. That’s the strangest part, too, is that most of my trouble is psychological. I’ve never acted on these feelings with another person, though I guess the masturbation is just as bad. I do my best to avoid anything that can make me think about sexual things, but the smallest little things will cause a flare-up. I can be fine in the morning and very weak by the end of the day.

I don’t even have a good way of knowing what to ask. I just feel like I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with in my own life. Nobody in my family knows about it and I certainly don’t want to tell them. I’ve tried asking about it in non-religious message boards, but people are usually quick to try to get me to accept it as “normal” or label me as a troll. And I apologize if the details are lewd, I’m not really sure what the standard is for this site.

So I guess I would just like any advice I can be given, thank you.
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I will go with the “me too” masturbation struggles, and say that it is VERY important that you get rid of this sin forever so that all the other things that trouble you in your sexuality may go away too. Now let me tell you some basic things.
  • Go to confession
  • Watch the mass, at least on the mandatory days.
  • BAN all the material that could lead you to sin. If there is a website you visit (even if it is not pornographic in nature) don’t visit it. If there is a TV show, don’t watch it. If it is a person on the street, don’t look. Whatever it is, just don’t try to be brave, run away from it.
  • And the most important thing: Pray and ask God to give you strength to give you complete mastery over your body.
Pray a lot.

What happened to me is that, the first time I confessed, I was terribly ashamed. Received absolution. Then I sinned again. Then I went to confession again, terribly ashamed. Received absolution. Then I sinned again.

And again. And again.

At some point I thought I would never get rid of the habit, but I just kept confessing every single time.

And one day I was at the confessionary, and just before the priest gave me the absolution, I knew something had changed. I can’t explain exactly, but I knew it.

And then was gone. Just like that. The struggle of a lifetime, gone forever. It is not the first time that something like this happens in my life, and that is precisely why I am here to tell you that every thing you read in the bible is for real.

Jesus gave the apostles powers being human comprehension, and this powers are alive in the priests of our church, by apostolic sucession.

Just go and talk to them. Ask for their advice, confess. It will be gone.
 
CaptBell800 said:
Thank you for the suggestion. I have not been to confession or received communion for quite some time. It’s been difficult for me to bring myself to confess this. But I know that I have to and that staying away is only making things worse. I’ll try to go as soon as I can.
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Valid reception of the sacraments always confers divine grace which strengthens one in the fight against evil.
 
CaptBell800 said:
Thank you for the suggestion. I have not been to confession or received communion for quite some time. It’s been difficult for me to bring myself to confess this. But I know that I have to and that staying away is only making things worse. I’ll try to go as soon as I can.
Click to expand...
Don’t worry. The priest you go for Confession with will have heard it all thousands of times before. It’s ‘water off a duck’s back’ for him…

What matters for you is that in receiving Absolution you also permit yourself to be absolved. It sounds to me like you can’t go because you believe it’s too shameful to talk about, even to God. Doesn’t that deny God’s infinite mercy? He loves you so much and here you are, sitting with your back to him, miserable and denying yourself that love which is just there, waiting for you. He can’t make you do it: it has to be your free choice. But believe me when I say that the experience of Absolution is one of the most liberating you can feel.

And it doesn’t matter if you slip up afterwards and do it again… because God’s mercy is not measured, his love is not dependent on you living up to what you think you should do: it’s simply available whenever you seek it.

Priests hear the same sins, week in, week out. They report that at the end of Confessions they can’t remember what was said because it’s so repetitive that it loses all impact on them. And also, remember that your priest gets great joy in welcoming a sinner back into the loving arms of God… he gets to witness that moment where you become washed clean. He gets to be with you at that instant where you are, for a moment, made perfect in Grace. It is wonderful for him to be able to give that gift and no penitent is ever denied it.

Yes, you need courage to recognise your sinful actions. We all do. I do too. But I promise that you will walk out of the Confessional as though a weight had been lifted on your shoulders if you let yourself receive God’s love as he wishes to give it to you.
 
DexUK said:
Don’t worry. The priest you go for Confession with will have heard it all thousands of times before. It’s ‘water off a duck’s back’ for him…

What matters for you is that in receiving Absolution you also permit yourself to be absolved. It sounds to me like you can’t go because you believe it’s too shameful to talk about, even to God. Doesn’t that deny God’s infinite mercy? He loves you so much and here you are, sitting with your back to him, miserable and denying yourself that love which is just there, waiting for you. He can’t make you do it: it has to be your free choice. But believe me when I say that the experience of Absolution is one of the most liberating you can feel.

And it doesn’t matter if you slip up afterwards and do it again… because God’s mercy is not measured, his love is not dependent on you living up to what you think you should do: it’s simply available whenever you seek it.

Priests hear the same sins, week in, week out. They report that at the end of Confessions they can’t remember what was said because it’s so repetitive that it loses all impact on them. And also, remember that your priest gets great joy in welcoming a sinner back into the loving arms of God… he gets to witness that moment where you become washed clean. He gets to be with you at that instant where you are, for a moment, made perfect in Grace. It is wonderful for him to be able to give that gift and no penitent is ever denied it.

Yes, you need courage to recognise your sinful actions. We all do. I do too. But I promise that you will walk out of the Confessional as though a weight had been lifted on your shoulders if you let yourself receive God’s love as he wishes to give it to you.
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Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I do want to go to confession, I’m making plans to do so. It’s been a while, so I’ve left a phone message with the priest about how I should approach coming back. It’s not so much that I’ve intended to deny that God’s mercy is infinite, it’s that I’ve had a hard time understanding the issue. The attraction just seemed to come out of nowhere a few years back. But I know that shame alone isn’t a reason to stay away. I’m hoping you’re right; I’m hoping it’s a burden lifted once I go back.
 
CaptBell800 said:
I’m not sure if this is the correct area of the forum for this, please let me know if it belongs elsewhere.

I’m in a difficult situation without much of an idea on how to move forward. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in my private life, so I’m hoping I can get some suggestions here. I am a college-age (mid-20s) man. I’ve realized over the past couple of years that I have attraction to other men. This has caused me more and more strife lately as it’s left me feeling lost. It’s also confusing, since I am also attracted to women.

Before I say any more, I would like to make a few things clear, as I have seen such things come up in these kinds of discussions.
  1. I’ve never actually acted on these feelings
  2. I’ve never suffered any kind of sexual abuse
  3. I entirely accept that they are abnormal; my purpose is not to ask if they are okay.
As I mentioned, I’ve never acted on these feelings. But I’ve come to realize that my sexuality is deeply troubling to me. I’ve struggled with masturbation (not doing very well in those struggles) ever since I hit puberty. I was raised in a non-religious household and so I didn’t really have anyone to teach me it was wrong. By the time I converted to Catholicism, I was deeply entrenched in the habit. I’ve only recently realized how difficult it is for me, though. I kind of get the feeling that this habit had some kind of involvement in these attractions, though I don’t know for sure. I’m not sure what caused them.

These conflicting feelings, along with that addiction, has left me quite isolated. I’ve never had a relationship; I’ve never even been on a date. That’s the strangest part, too, is that most of my trouble is psychological. I’ve never acted on these feelings with another person, though I guess the masturbation is just as bad. I do my best to avoid anything that can make me think about sexual things, but the smallest little things will cause a flare-up. I can be fine in the morning and very weak by the end of the day.

I don’t even have a good way of knowing what to ask. I just feel like I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with in my own life. Nobody in my family knows about it and I certainly don’t want to tell them. I’ve tried asking about it in non-religious message boards, but people are usually quick to try to get me to accept it as “normal” or label me as a troll. And I apologize if the details are lewd, I’m not really sure what the standard is for this site.

So I guess I would just like any advice I can be given, thank you.
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God bless you, friend. We are all struggling sinners here 🙂 May I also recommend that you find a good spiritual director, one who is practical, wise, compassionate, and true to authentic Catholic teachings 🙂
 
I just noticed a typo at the end of my previous post: I should have said “lifted off” not “lifted on” your shoulders. I do hope you read it as I intended rather than as I typed it!

Blame my fat fingers (and the fact that I’m a rubbish touch-typer!)
 
DexUK said:
I just noticed a typo at the end of my previous post: I should have said “lifted off” not “lifted on” your shoulders. I do hope you read it as I intended rather than as I typed it!

Blame my fat fingers (and the fact that I’m a rubbish touch-typer!)
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No worries! I got the gist of it. 😛
 
First, I would repeat the recommendation that you try to find a local chapter of Courage. If there is no chapter in your area, then contact the national Courage organization and see if there is some way that they can still provide some support to you. Their website is www.couragerc.net.

Regarding masturbation, please realize that many young men struggle with this problem, whether or not they have same-sex attraction. You are certainly not alone in this struggle. And do not be afraid to confess this sin to a priest; he has almost certainly heard it before, probably many times. You don’t need to confess the fact that you are attracted to men, unless you have acted on that attraction, but you can mention your attraction to the priest as background information if it is relevant to sins that you are confessing.

You might also find some benefit in speaking with a Catholic therapist or counselor, but try to find one who agrees with the teachings of the Church. Gregory and Lisa Popcak’s tele-counseling service at www.exceptionalmarriages.com could be helpful, or you could also look for a local therapist at www.catholictherapists.com. I don’t mean that you need to find someone to try to change your attractions (I know that even among Catholics, there is disagreement as to the extent that this is possible), but it might be helpful to learn how best to deal with these attractions so that you can live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

You also might benefit from reading blogs of other Catholics who have same-sex attraction. Here are a few:

Steve Gershom:
stevegershom.com/

“Catholic Boy Richard”:
catholicboyrichard.com/

Melinda Selmys:
sexualauthenticity.blogspot.com/
 
PaulGH said:
First, I would repeat the recommendation that you try to find a local chapter of Courage. If there is no chapter in your area, then contact the national Courage organization and see if there is some way that they can still provide some support to you. Their website is www.couragerc.net.

Regarding masturbation, please realize that many young men struggle with this problem, whether or not they have same-sex attraction. You are certainly not alone in this struggle. And do not be afraid to confess this sin to a priest; he has almost certainly heard it before, probably many times. You don’t need to confess the fact that you are attracted to men, unless you have acted on that attraction, but you can mention your attraction to the priest as background information if it is relevant to sins that you are confessing.

You might also find some benefit in speaking with a Catholic therapist or counselor, but try to find one who agrees with the teachings of the Church. Gregory and Lisa Popcak’s tele-counseling service at www.exceptionalmarriages.com could be helpful, or you could also look for a local therapist at www.catholictherapists.com. I don’t mean that you need to find someone to try to change your attractions (I know that even among Catholics, there is disagreement as to the extent that this is possible), but it might be helpful to learn how best to deal with these attractions so that you can live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

You also might benefit from reading blogs of other Catholics who have same-sex attraction. Here are a few:

Steve Gershom:
stevegershom.com/

“Catholic Boy Richard”:
catholicboyrichard.com/

Melinda Selmys:
sexualauthenticity.blogspot.com/
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Thank you for all of the links and resources; I’ve had difficult sifting through different sites on my own. I’ll look into these suggestions, thank you.
 
I humbly thank you for using my blog as a referral point and would welcome any readers who wish to follow. My screen name is StephenFrancis (on here) but actual name is Richard G Evans.

I would be open to further conversation with you as well if you wish. God bless!

www.catholicboyrichard.com
 
StephenFrancis said:
I humbly thank you for using my blog as a referral point and would welcome any readers who wish to follow. My screen name is StephenFrancis (on here) but actual name is Richard G Evans.

I would be open to further conversation with you as well if you wish. God bless!

www.catholicboyrichard.com
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I am reading your story. Thanks a lot for sharing. I am greatly appreciated.
 
StephenFrancis said:
I humbly thank you for using my blog as a referral point and would welcome any readers who wish to follow. My screen name is StephenFrancis (on here) but actual name is Richard G Evans.

I would be open to further conversation with you as well if you wish. God bless!

www.catholicboyrichard.com
Click to expand...
Thanks, the blog is looking very interesting. 👍
 
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