Struggling and ashamed of myself

[ajc82]

Hello,
Thank you very much for reading this post, which I am writing sad and troubled. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, and we have pledged to wait until marriage to have sex. We will still kiss, however, and we have gone to second base on occasion. I always feel terrible the next day, and I’ve resolved countless times to stop. I know this behavior is sinful, and I have confessed/ spoken with my priest about it. On Saturday I was filled with resolve to never again harm my girlfriend’s purity or my own. But, last night we were together, and again I fell into the same sin of going to second base.
I want to ask for any advice from members and if this sin is mortal. I read a Thomas Aquinas quote related to this matter on another thread, but that confused me more than anything else. I am afraid I have sinned against the Holy Spirit. I am not looking for excuses or to justify my actions, but human relationships are so complicated. We have spoken of marriage, and that has definitely been my intention with this relationship. I am also an insecure person, and feeling so close to her like I do during the times we are together takes away so many of my fears of being unlovable etc.-- again, I know this does not make it right.
Please pray for me!

 

[Will_B]

Just a little advice from an old guy…

It takes two to say yes to any activity… I have found the female, by nature, is more equipped to say no, then the guy… Us guys are weak and give into our sinful nature quicker then the gales…

So, If your girl friend is in agreement, ask her to be in charge of the brakes… Set up the boundary that you intend not to cross and when you reach that boundary, Stop… Let her say Stop… And do Stop…

If she is not willing to go along (maybe her moral values are different then yours), then you have a problem… She might not be the right gal???

Also, pray together… Pray out loud together… There is power in those prayers… Pray for strength to follow the will of God… Pray to St. Michael the Arch Angel… Most of all pray together…

 

[Lee_M]

This is a very hard phase in a relationship. It is good that you and your girlfriend are waiting. When you are kissing intimately, you will be tempted to do other things. It may be best that you do not kiss so passionately if it keeps leading you to sinning.

In order for it to be a mortal sin, it must meet three requirements. It must be a grave offense, which lust is. You must have full knowledge that what you are doing is a sin. Which I believe you did since you have talked to a priest about it and it must be free will. So yes, this sin was mortal unless you didn’t meet all three of those requirements.

However, please don’t beat yourself up too much. Confess regularly and that will help you fight temptation. Many of us have been down the same road.

I do not see how you have sinned against the Holy Spirit. What would make you think this? Anything that you listed here would not be a sin against the Holy Spirit. What you have done is forgivable.

 

[timmyo]

A lot of people with good consciences go through what you are going through. Keep going to confession and pray for the holy spirit to help you with temptations. The devil wants to discourage us and keep us down. God wants to build us up and be happy. Confession and prayer are the way to break the cycle. Our culture has really screwed things up and we are all caught up in it. Hardly anyone is immune from it, so don’t beat yourself up over it, but just keep trying to do better. Remember, intimacy, even passionate kissing, should really be reserved for marriage. If you are far from marrying age, like high school, I would recommend stepping back from any physical relationship and try to keep a relationship more on the friendship level. The intimacy at that age can really play with your emotions and cloud your judgement. If they are the right person for you ultimately, then they will accept that transition and if they insist on physical intimacy, then they are not good for you at this time. If you are of college age or older, then you should give some thought to marriage. Of course, do some deep reflection and prayer and determine if this person is the right person to marry. When you save the intimacy for marriage it will be 1000 times better at that time anyway. Anyway, keep up the good fight!

 

[2010peregrina]

I have to say, the advice about women being able to say “no” is FATALLY FLAWED!!! Think Adam and Eve. Don’t expect someone else to keep you in line or conversely, not to lead you down the path of destruction!

I am a woman saying this and I BEG you get some help from someone with a very strong will and who knows about and cares about chastity. There are resources out there. I wanted to research more before responding but I feel I had to say something strong now. There’s a Catholic radio host and she says about these things—they’re not red flags, the house is already on fire. Believe me, hormones running rampant do not only apply to boys.

Think of your future spouse if this girlfriend isn’t the one. Think about her as a future spouse. From all the Catholic things I’ve read and heard (I’m on my way to Rome…still technically not there yet, but am in spirit) husbands and wives main goal is to make one another saints; to help each other get to heaven.

Please read Matthew 5:27-30!

I can personally say, I’ve been there, done that and it leads to MUCH MUCH worse things. Pray, pray, pray. If you don’t have someone, ask God for a godly man to mentor you with these issues.

The lyrics from Casting Crowns “Slow Fade” come to mind.

“It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day”

I will pray for you!

 

[Della]

The answer is simple but not easy–just don’t put yourselves in that situation. DON’T BE ALONE TOGETHER! Since you are so terribly tempted and have already gone farther than you want to, being alone together will only give you the opportunity to keep falling into the same old pattern. Go out with friends. Say good-bye at the door. This may seem old-fashioned, but if you don’t put yourselves into a near occasion of sin you are much less likely to commit that sin. If you are serious about getting married set a date and do what you need to do to remain pure even if it means seeing less of one another and/or not being alone until your wedding night.

 

[whatevergirl]

*My advice to quickly nip it in the bud…is to only hang out in public places. Don’t go back to her place, and visa versa. Until you both get control over these things, it would be very easy to put this into practice–soon. Just go to the movies, restaurants, the mall, bowling, skating, activites that you are most likely not going to make out in…and be tempted to fall into sinning.

That’s my advice. Good luck! *