Struggling... help

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mml373

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I am a new Catholic, having joined our faith in December of last year at a wonderful and supportive parish.

Since then, I have lost one career, moved to a new town with no emotional support, and lost my father. I am divorced, paying child support for two children I love… who live out of state.

Because of my isolation, I am really struggling with Catholicism. Everywhere I look, I see couples with children… meanwhile, I’m alone and unable to be an effective dad to my children. Nor do I have the love and support of a faithful wife. It seems like Catholicism is just tailor made for families, yet I am single again and alone… and it seems impossible to find a good Catholic bride. (My divorce is in the not-so-recent past, and I am “over it.” The ex is not Catholic, does not agree with my decision to become Catholic, and wants to shield our children from Catholicism.)

It seems as though life will never be that happy and supportive/supported thing that so many others have, and I feel more alone now than ever before. I’m scared, and feel like an outsider at every church I’ve tried.

I’m trying to find work in my old town, where I know people and have a good lady friend who is an amazing person in so many ways. I have tons of guy friends at church there as well… through Christ Renews His Parish involvement prior to joining the Catholic church.

Not knowing where to turn, just venting and hoping for insights I guess… Life cannot continue to be this lonely. Rolling shift work only makes the isolation worse, as I can’t plan on attending any activities at regular times.
 
I am a fifty something divorced man many years , I have children in Prison or no relationship at all, I am a returning Catholic (to be confirmed in September) after being away from all faith my entire life… I was baptized a Catholic. There it stopped.

I am also back in School and a full time student. I attend Mass weekly but I know no one. I receive letters from my son’s every few weeks. One loves me the other hates me. There are no women in my life -like you I live celibate.

I spend my time reading. I keep my computer clamped down so I am not enticed to sin. I pray the rosary every morning for 20 minutes. I also say silent prayers. I do this on my knees (which is to say this does not come as normal for me).

I am reading several books on Catholicism as well as my school books. What I am saying is that I stay busy as best I can. I make sure I get outside and do some exercise. Walk ride a bike daily…

I attend mass weekly as well as confession. I have no car so I cant get around beyond bike distance. Its an 8 mile round trip to mass.

Almost every time I go to Mass something happens that gives me the opportunity to perform an act of charity. Its weird. You have car? Join something like a Catholic charity. Volunteer. There are Catholic groups at your Church? Your City?

Pray all the time. Even when you are walking. I say these things only to say what I try to do and it helps. Do not think about those things that stimulate desire. We as men can confuse wanting desire for sex or affection as love.

Regarding your Children and Catholicism…your example alone will one day lead them there, so your wife’s antagonism is of no concern to you – let it go.

Everything is going to work out fine for you and for me. I am reading a book Rediscover Catholicism by Matthew Kelley in this book he says walking with God is like walking with a candle we must move slowly and deliberately and protect what we have.

Peace!
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Hail Mary, Full of GRACE, The LORD is with Thee, Blessed Art THou amongst Women, and Blessed is the FRUIT OF THY WOMB, JESUS. Holy Mary, Mother of GOD, Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
mml373 said:
I am a new Catholic, having joined our faith in December of last year at a wonderful and supportive parish.

Since then, I have lost one career, moved to a new town with no emotional support, and lost my father. I am divorced, paying child support for two children I love… who live out of state.

Because of my isolation, I am really struggling with Catholicism. Everywhere I look, I see couples with children… meanwhile, I’m alone and unable to be an effective dad to my children. Nor do I have the love and support of a faithful wife. It seems like Catholicism is just tailor made for families, yet I am single again and alone… and it seems impossible to find a good Catholic bride. (My divorce is in the not-so-recent past, and I am “over it.” The ex is not Catholic, does not agree with my decision to become Catholic, and wants to shield our children from Catholicism.)

It seems as though life will never be that happy and supportive/supported thing that so many others have, and I feel more alone now than ever before. I’m scared, and feel like an outsider at every church I’ve tried.

I’m trying to find work in my old town, where I know people and have a good lady friend who is an amazing person in so many ways. I have tons of guy friends at church there as well… through Christ Renews His Parish involvement prior to joining the Catholic church.

Not knowing where to turn, just venting and hoping for insights I guess… Life cannot continue to be this lonely. Rolling shift work only makes the isolation worse, as I can’t plan on attending any activities at regular times.
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Hi mml,

My heart goes out to you and what you are experiencing. All I can offer is some words of encouragement to hang in there and don’t become despondent and turn away from God and His Church. It seems you are being tested, as all Christians are constantly being tested. Read the book of Job and you will see that in the end, after trials and tribulations, devoted faith in God conquers all. St. Paul was tested as well. You will be content and joyous again one day.
 
mml373 said:
It seems like Catholicism is just tailor made for families, yet I am single again and alone… and it seems impossible to find a good Catholic bride.
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While Jesus came from the Holy Family, the rubber meets the road in the Church in his passion and death on the cross. Single and alone is where he was too.

Unite your suffering with his. It is hard because you can’t see the fruits. If you could, you would never want it to stop. But know that they are there. Some day in heaven you will meet many souls thanking you for your joining in Christ’s suffering on their behalf. Their gratitude will be eternal.

I know it’s hard. So many good Catholic families. But God has a different plan for us.
 
At times,for new converts,every possible grace is given by God to assist your conversion and stability in the faith,i.e.,it is much easier to love and believe in God without the trials.As time wears on,He takes graces away one by one and permits unfortunate events to prevail,to see if you will love Him on your own accord with half His help.This basically means you’ve past the basic training and are on the next level.And one step closer to your own sanctity.

God does not permit temptations and trials beyond the recipient’s capabilities,i.e.,He gives sufficient amount of grace to overcome the situation.God is infinite wisdom and knows only too well that if someone is going to carry this particular cross - it’s this guy right here.It may seem overwhelming at times,but remember we are Catholics;suffering is our forte.If no one wants Christ’s crosses,we’ll take it and carry it for Him.

We as Catholics are one united unit.If I’m suffering here,on the other side of the world someone has been converted or brought back to the Catholic Faith.Your trials could be to save many from dying at a particular moment and spared hell,or the release of a soul in Purgatory.How did you become Catholic?Was it a hermit in a desert praying for the salvation of souls indiscriminately?That those graces due to him came to you while he still suffers?We as members are a living body.

Keep the faith and show God,He was not wrong to choose you.

JMJ
 
That sounds tough–really tough! I’m so sorry…

I’m wondering if you might consider setting just one small goal each week to start trying to make connections with people where you are. Even if you can’t attend an event b/c of shift work, still maybe just making a small effort, like planning to speak to someone each week about a group or sporting club that might interest could expand your horizons where you are. Or going to a sporting/hobby/specialty shop where you are and starting up a conversation with a worker or customer there–find out what related activities there are in the area. Or finding out about Habitat for Humanity or some other organization where you could pitch in once a month or something (volunteer orgs normally don’t care what your work schedule is like)… Who knows what might develop after 5 or 6 weeks of making just one effort each week? Whatever it is, it will be more than what’s available to you now.

Also, prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament is very powerful. You could make the very specific petition for friendships during adoration…you could even do a novena in front of the Blessed Sacrament–maybe to St Augustine–he was know to be a very friendly man.
 
mml373 said:
I am a new Catholic, having joined our faith in December of last year at a wonderful and supportive parish.

Since then, I have lost one career, moved to a new town with no emotional support, and lost my father. I am divorced, paying child support for two children I love… who live out of state.

Because of my isolation, I am really struggling with Catholicism. Everywhere I look, I see couples with children… meanwhile, I’m alone and unable to be an effective dad to my children. Nor do I have the love and support of a faithful wife. It seems like Catholicism is just tailor made for families, yet I am single again and alone… and it seems impossible to find a good Catholic bride. (My divorce is in the not-so-recent past, and I am “over it.” The ex is not Catholic, does not agree with my decision to become Catholic, and wants to shield our children from Catholicism.)

It seems as though life will never be that happy and supportive/supported thing that so many others have, and I feel more alone now than ever before. I’m scared, and feel like an outsider at every church I’ve tried.

I’m trying to find work in my old town, where I know people and have a good lady friend who is an amazing person in so many ways. I have tons of guy friends at church there as well… through Christ Renews His Parish involvement prior to joining the Catholic church.

Not knowing where to turn, just venting and hoping for insights I guess… Life cannot continue to be this lonely. Rolling shift work only makes the isolation worse, as I can’t plan on attending any activities at regular times.
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Your post spoke to me. I was so lonely I was almost suicidal. I found a divorce support group and it changed my life. I started attending the parish that hosted it and I have a new church and pastor/priest too!

Check into an annulment. It’s hard to know where to go and what might be ahead without one. With an answer to that, you can know what directions are open to you. Also that gives a ton of healing. I found mine gave me great closure.

Try to call your Diocese to see about a divorce support group. Find a parish that has a variety of ministries. For me it meant a HUGE parish because the small ones were more “family oriented”.

God has a good life planned for you, it just takes time to get there. Don’t give up.

Bless you,

Lorrie
 
Try the book Divorce and Beyond–not super thick, and there are many support groups who use this book.

Lorrie
 
I’m truly sorry for your situation. In some ways, I can relate.
mml373 said:
Because of my isolation, I am really struggling with Catholicism.
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Isolation brings depression. Isolation kills. We are designed to be in relationships with others. It’s critical that you find safe, caring people that you can be vulnerable with. I speak from experience, having spent the 14 years before my conversion in a self-imposed isolation, letting my relationships atrophy, and I suffer terribly because of it. You may have to work to find such people. Try church groups, ministries, volunteering, and support groups such as Celebrate Recovery. For more on this subject, I recommend books by Cloud and/or Townsend, such as The Secret Things of God, Loving People, and How People Grow. But whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to be isolated.
Everywhere I look, I see couples with children… meanwhile, I’m alone and unable to be an effective dad to my children. Nor do I have the love and support of a faithful wife. It seems like Catholicism is just tailor made for families, yet I am single again and alone… and it seems impossible to find a good Catholic bride.
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That must be very hard, being apart from your children. I know what you mean about the Church seeming to be made for families. However, families are good and beautiful, and we should give them our support, being happy for those who have them, even if it reminds us of our own loneliness.

There are wonderful Catholic single women out there. I found one, an amazing woman, and we came close to getting married, though ultimately my problems (lack of friends, social anxiety, etc.) brought about by my former isolation killed our relationship.
It seems as though life will never be that happy and supportive/supported thing that so many others have, and I feel more alone now than ever before. I’m scared, and feel like an outsider at every church I’ve tried.
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Man, I could have written this. I struggle with this feeling of hopelessness every day. I will reiterate what I said above about isolation. God’s grace and healing are often manifested through other people.

Also, get involved in a church. Every parish has a different personality, I suggest you go to one that is active and vibrant, and get involved in activities, bible studies, etc. But above all, find caring people that you can open up to.
I’m trying to find work in my old town, where I know people and have a good lady friend who is an amazing person in so many ways. I have tons of guy friends at church there as well… through Christ Renews His Parish involvement prior to joining the Catholic church.
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It’s great that you friends, which is more than I can say, but us guys are notorious for having buddies that we can watch the game with, play golf with, etc. but can’t really open up to.
Not knowing where to turn, just venting and hoping for insights I guess… Life cannot continue to be this lonely. Rolling shift work only makes the isolation worse, as I can’t plan on attending any activities at regular times.
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Reach out to others, anyone who cares and will listen. In ‘normal’ times, I called my mother maybe twice a month. Now, I call her every couple of days. She listens, she cares, and she prays with me. There is a group of prayer volunteers in my area that meets twice a month, and they pray for anyone who comes. When I went, this beautiful middle-aged couple listened to and prayed for me for half an hour, with no motivation other than loving kindness. There are such people in the world. Also, I am going to check out a Celebrate Recovery meeting this week. Whatever it takes.

Another thing that helps is structure, because structure supports. That is one of the reasons I am seeing a counselor, because having that weekly meeting gives me something to hang onto, so I don’t feel that I’m adrift.

I don’t say any of these things from an academic standpoint; I am in that place right now, suffering from isolation, loneliness, heartbreak, fear. I will pray for you, brother, pray for me as well. God loves us and has a plan for us, but let’s not neglect our part. We have to step out onto the water, trusting that He won’t let us sink. I know how hard it is to trust when life seems hopeless.
 
Hi Friends,

In addition to the wonderful advice you have already received, I have another:

Consecrate yourself to St. Joseph. Ask him to be your father, protector, defender, spiritual mentor, etc. Honor him daily. Entrust him with your crosses and trials. Everything.

I guarantee that your life will change for the better…and a lot faster than you could ever think possible. I speak from personal experience.

stjoe
www.CatholicChurchSaints.com
 
SO many great replies. Thank you, everyone. I had hoped for thoughts on productive ways forward, and received so many. Thanks again.

It is apparent many of us struggle with finding a mate and with loneliness. From experience I know it is possible to be married… but to be isolated and lonely, even so. Both are terrible ways to exist.

I will act on some of the ideas discussed very soon. I have made a point to try to attend weekday morning mass on days where shift schedule allows. I try to pray the rosary each evening before bed.

There is a Young Adults group at church. My past experience with such groups has been somewhat “blah”, as the married young adults tend to take them over. 🙂 Meeting singles of the opposite gender there, with whom there is the potential to form intimate spiritual and emotional relationship that I need, is difficult.

Working on an annulment… it is taking so much time, and I worry whether it will be granted. My coordinator thinks it will be based upon past experience, but my Diocese takes its time… And, I neither the ex nor I were Catholic before or during the marriage. If only I’d been Catholic back then and have known what real marriage was intended to be… I’d not have chosen to marry someone who was not in the faith.

Thanks again for all thoughts… will re-read everything and implement some of your ideas.

Blessings, all.

mml373
 
If I may make one last suggestion that is helping me. Get comfortable with being alone. With being celibate. If you are not in a relationship do not worry about not being in one, or finding someone. I am finding that I am not going to die because I am alone. To seek someone out for me to date is not the thing for me to do. Whether or not you can relate to this I don’t know.

Peace,
 
CatechismMe said:
If I may make one last suggestion that is helping me. Get comfortable with being alone. With being celibate. If you are not in a relationship do not worry about not being in one, or finding someone. I am finding that I am not going to die because I am alone. To seek someone out for me to date is not the thing for me to do. Whether or not you can relate to this I don’t know.

Peace,
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I am a bit younger than you, but am in a position where shift work makes it difficult to date, and am finding there are few good women around and even fewer good Catholic women around. Why settle for a non -Catholic, now that I have found this wonderful faith?

This is tough to deal with, but I am not yet convinced that being alone the rest of my life is God’s plan for me. I see too much room to contribute as part of a family.

Still, I do accept that much of this is out of my control…

Blessings,

mml373
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Just a suggestion… For the OP and others that feel isolated in their respective parishes, seriously consider the Knights of Columbus. Beyond the charity and humanitarian work they do, they are a fraternity of men – very supportive, caring, and accepting men. It is a great option for people seeking to establish relationships with others in the local community, while at the same time giving you a sense of self-worth by helping others.

God bless,
Dean
 
There may be Lay Dominican, Lay Carmelite, or Third Order Franciscan communities in your area, if any of those appeal to you. (Information about all is easily searchable on the Internet.)
 
dean24us said:
Just a suggestion… For the OP and others that feel isolated in their respective parishes, seriously consider the Knights of Columbus. Beyond the charity and humanitarian work they do, they are a fraternity of men – very supportive, caring, and accepting men. It is a great option for people seeking to establish relationships with others in the local community, while at the same time giving you a sense of self-worth by helping others.

God bless,
Dean
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Dean, I am indeed a Knight. I struggle with the fact I have no Lady Knight with whom I may attend Knights of Columbus events. 🙂

Still, it is nice to be a member of this service fraternity. Hopefully there will come a time when there will be a Lady Knight to accompany me… till then, I’ll have to be content with the opportunities for brotherhood and service KofC provides.
 
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