First of all, I really want to thank all of you for your prayers. I can feel them working on my heart. Having the prayers of all of you, a good holy priest, a dear friend of mine, and my wonderful fiancé is so encouraging and I am humbled that I have so many prayer warriors on my side.
Secondly, I just want to write this down somewhere so I can remember how I am feeling right now.
Week five of pregnancy was rough, not because I was physically uncomfortable, but because for some reason I felt like I was mourning the loss of a dream. I was working so hard to get my affairs in order so that come spring I am as ready as possible to have a baby. My sweet hubby to be worked 56 hours that week and spent time inordinate amounts of time comforting me as I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t think of anything but how I bitterly resented the pregnancy, my caffeine withdrawal symptoms, how radically my life was about to change, and how desperately I wanted to change the past.
Week six was just as difficult because I started back at school and was beginning to feel sick. I had to be at work at 6AM all week, stay until noon, then go to class until 8PM. Several mornings I was feeling nauseated before I even got out of bed or in the middle of class, but mental Hail Marys kept me going. When I was able to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, I told my best friend that I was expecting. She responded so joyously! Her excitement lifted my spirits. She reassured me that this was likely to happen pretty soon after we got married anyway, and that even if my fiancé and I had sinned by fornicating, she really believed that it was an act of passion and love. She reassured me that when she sees me and my future hubby interacting, she aspires to someday be in love the same way. She told me that even though we sin, God makes beautiful things out of our shortcomings. Her words filled me with encouragement and gave me an entirely new perspective. I started to realize that those whom I truly love and the ones who love me, aren’t going to hold our “early” baby over our heads. If they notice, they won’t be whispering about it. They’ll be offering to babysit or cook us a meal when we are feeling overwhelmed
It’s now week seven, the and exhaustion has hit. It’s truly unreal – It feels like I am always waking up tired, even after a full night’s sleep. (Thankfully, the nausea is totally manageable if I am eating healthily and at regular intervals.) Several days, after work and class, I trudged straight to bed without bothering to clean or eat adequately. As a neat freak, I felt like I was living in squalor just because I had a few dishes in the sink! This unshakeable sleepiness coupled with my first few due dates for school left me feeling very defeated earlier this week. That’s when I reached out to this forum, and I received an outpouring of good advice and reassurance.
Last night, however, I really began to feel the joy of this situation. My future hubby came by after a short shift at work. I had been feeling very tired, but because I knew he didn’t have much work today, I took a nap earlier in the day so I could spend time with him that afternoon and evening.
We went for a run on one of our favorite trails and didn’t even bring a watch. (We’re both running enthusiasts, but lately I’ve been noticing that running is much more difficult than it was just a few weeks ago, and I don’t want to push myself) We ran back to my house, and while he rinsed off, I made him a delicious vegetarian meal packed with tomatoes and spinach that may have convinced him that you can eat a dinner without meat
After dinner, we played some board games, cuddled, kissed, and held hands. We talked about how blessed we are to have found each other so early. While we know some of our contemporaries are in no rush to settle down, at 20 and 21 we have a whole extra decade of each other’s companionship to look forward to. We talked about how blessed we are to have healthy reproductive systems. The fact that we got pregnant so quickly and easily is a good indication that we won’t have to struggle with heartbreaking infertility for a long while.
He knows I am still scared, but he reminded me that I have always said that I would love to be a martyr for God. He reminded me that martyrdom isn’t always quick and glorious. Sometimes, we have to die slowly and sacrifice daily. I may not ever get my master’s degree, but that’s not because I’m incapable; it’s because I am following Christ where he leads me. He told me that every day that I don’t abort the precious soul God has given me, I am saying “yes,” to God. While abortion was never an option for us, and while I know that many women are coerced into such a heartbreaking situation, it was such a huge help to be reminded that I can give glory to God daily, and that I can make my pregnancy a prayer.
I surprised myself last night when in the midst of a conversation about our childhood, I told my future hubby that I would love to conceive another baby shortly after I’ve recovered from having the first. The biggest age gap between me and my two brothers is a year and eleven months; growing up with siblings so close in age was so much fun. He was somewhat shocked to hear me say it, and I was shocked to find myself wanting it, but I truly meant it. I know I have volumes to learn about marriage and parenting and a year from now I might not feel so excited about being pregnant any time soon, but I also know that I will have the best husband out there. His intelligence, his deep spirituality, his hard work, and his dedication to my salvation, make me feel like the luckiest gal in the world.
God’s plans for me are bigger and greater than I ever could have hoped.
). I honestly have yet to hear anybody say, “Oh yes, our baby came at the exact right moment and we were prepared!” In all likelihood everyone will be all right, but you are right to expect that there will be quite the adjustment period.