Struggling Marriage after 4 months... help!

[Sampson12345]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 4 months. We are members of a Catholic Church and we are practicing Catholics. We have been dating for 5 years and it has been the best time of my life. I am 100% in love with my wife and want to be together forever. We did all of the pre-wedding classes and passed with flying colors. We went on the catholic engaged and encounter retreat and felt completely comfortable. My family and her family both asked us about our doubts before marriage and we both did not have any. I have been reviewing our journals from that weekend and cannot find any doubt in her words. I have dug up old notes and letters and all it talks about is being my wife and loving me forever.

This past week has hit me harder than I have ever been hit before. My wife told me she has a feeling in her heart that she has made a mistake and she does not love me the same. She has recently started an emotional relationship with a co-worker but nothing further so far. I have asked her to end the texting and phone calls and focus on us but it seems to just cause fights. All she will tell me is that she needs to figure out what this feeling is. She doesn’t know if she wants to be with me. I feel like it is a hopeless fight and I am doomed for divorce.

I am just so lost and hurt, I do not know what to do. It feels like my life is a lie. It feels like I am talking to a stranger because of the different ways she responses to my questions. I feel that she is lost and is confused and that this isn’t reality. I feel that she isn’t properly identifying this feeling and its some type of post wedding anxiety. All I know is that I want to fix this and have my wife back.

She is currently taking individual herapy sessions to try and identify what is going on. We also have our first couples marriage counseling through our church scheduled for next week.

Please give me guidance and understanding!

 

[SuperLuigi]

1. She needs to realize that having an emotional affair with someone is not an acceptable way to deal with feelings of confusion. If you see this person, tell them clearly to BACK OFF. You’ve got every right to do that.

As for the fights—It’s possible she knows what she is doing is wrong and is trying to cover it by getting mad at you to get you to back down.

1. I’ve got news for her: after the honeymoon phase in the marriage/dating, you CHOOSE to love the person you are with. It’s not like you can keep re-living the first moments of the first date or wedding night in quite the same way.
2. Does your wife have any mental illness issues or social anxiety? It would be helpful to know that information.

 

[jenhov]

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Marriage is hard work. I have been married for almost eighteen years. My husband and I hit a hard point at one point in our relationship also and he was actually out of our home for 8 weeks.

All I can say is keep praying and love her through this. A woman wants to be loved. Take a good honest look at where your relationship is and where she is in your priorities. What are you doing different now than before? We all get comfortable and forget to “court” our spouses. Have you done anything to hurt her emotionally, even unintentional. If so an apology can make a huge difference. Stop arguing and start listening. Women don’t always want a solution to a problem, but knowing you are hearing and understanding were they are coming from helps.

Don’t give up. God is bigger than this.

 

[phil19034]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 4 months. We are members of a Catholic Church and we are practicing Catholics. We have been dating for 5 years and it has been the best time of my life. I am 100% in love with my wife and want to be together forever. We did all of the pre-wedding classes and passed with flying colors. We went on the catholic engaged and encounter retreat and felt completely comfortable. My family and her family both asked us about our doubts before marriage and we both did not have any. I have been reviewing our journals from that weekend and cannot find any doubt in her words. I have dug up old notes and letters and all it talks about is being my wife and loving me forever.

This past week has hit me harder than I have ever been hit before. My wife told me she has a feeling in her heart that she has made a mistake and she does not love me the same. She has recently started an emotional relationship with a co-worker but nothing further so far. I have asked her to end the texting and phone calls and focus on us but it seems to just cause fights. All she will tell me is that she needs to figure out what this feeling is. She doesn’t know if she wants to be with me. I feel like it is a hopeless fight and I am doomed for divorce.

I am just so lost and hurt, I do not know what to do. It feels like my life is a lie. It feels like I am talking to a stranger because of the different ways she responses to my questions. I feel that she is lost and is confused and that this isn’t reality. I feel that she isn’t properly identifying this feeling and its some type of post wedding anxiety. All I know is that I want to fix this and have my wife back.

She is currently taking individual herapy sessions to try and identify what is going on. We also have our first couples marriage counseling through our church scheduled for next week.

Please give me guidance and understanding!

Please make sure she is seeing a Catholic therapist or at least one who is pro-marriage. Some “liberal” therapists will push divorce or push exploration of lustful feelings. You can find Catholic therapists at catholictherapists.com/ or via your local diocese or parish.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what else to say or do other than pray for you. (JenHov gave some nice advice above)

However, if you do divorce (God forbid), then you might be pretty eligible for an annulment. It’s possible that she either has some post wedding anxiety like you suggest, or she felt pressure to marry and not let anyone down. If it’s the latter, then an annulment could be granted. However, I will pray that it’s the former and that your marriage will be saved and your bonds grow stronger.

If you ever need someone to chat with, please feel free to PM me. I’ve had my share of marriage troubles and I’m always willing to help.

God Bless.

My Lord, please help this couple to see and embrace your will for their earthly happiness and to hear your calling. I pray that this marriage grows stronger and that the bond of matrimony not be broken. However, if this is not Your will, I pray that this man, known here as Sampson12345, and his wife find peace in Your Love and Mercy. I pray this in the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

[Kal2012]

I’ve got news for her: after the honeymoon phase in the marriage/dating, you CHOOSE to love the person you are with. It’s not like you can keep re-living the first moments of the first date or wedding night in quite the same way.

Yup.

Marriage is really hard work.

 

[Cat]

1. She needs to realize that having an emotional affair with someone is not an acceptable way to deal with feelings of confusion. If you see this person, tell them clearly to BACK OFF. You’ve got every right to do that.

As for the fights—It’s possible she knows what she is doing is wrong and is trying to cover it by getting mad at you to get you to back down.

1. I’ve got news for her: after the honeymoon phase in the marriage/dating, you CHOOSE to love the person you are with. It’s not like you can keep re-living the first moments of the first date or wedding night in quite the same way.
2. Does your wife have any mental illness issues or social anxiety? It would be helpful to know that information.

This post is absolutely right.

All couples have to learn the difference between “feeling in love” and “being in love.”

The dating months and the first few months of a marriage are delightful because the couple “feels” in love. They get excited (physically and emotionally) at the mere thought of the one they love. The pretty cards, flowers, little notes, gestures, pet names, pretty lingerie, perfume and cologne, long walks, candles and staring into each other’s eyes, etc. are all so sweet and wondrous.

And then the feelings subside. That’s normal and it actually paves the way for a BETTER love between two people, a love that doesn’t depend on cards and notes and lingerie, but instead, on the PROMISE to love each other for a lifetime and the CHOICE to live up to that promise.

A lot of women especially get very disillusioned with their beloved husband when they discover that he has bad breath in the morning, or farts and laughs about it, or prefers to lie around on the sofa and watch football instead of shopping for linens at cute little shops with her.

Many women actually want a “girlfriend” instead of a husband, and realize only after they are married that the man they are now bound to is NOT a girlfriend at all, but a red-blooded man who loves fishin’, huntin,’ and doesn’t really care if there are candles on the table at dinner, as long as there is a dinner and it’s reasonably tasty.

Many women also find sex exciting for the first few months, but then they start to see it as just one more thing on their very long “List of Chores,” and they are so exhausted that they would rather sleep than make love.

At this point, many marriages start to fall apart and eventually end in separation and divorce, because the woman thinks she doesn’t love her husband anymore. She moves on to another man, and the same thing happens, and then it happens again, and the woman ends up sad and bitter that she can’t find a man to love.

So sad.

What women (and men) have to do when the feelings of being a newlywed subside is learn to CHOOSE to love each other and do ACTIONS that demonstrate that love.

Some men and women shake their heads at this and say, “I can’t pretend to be someone that I’m not.”

No, no, no. That’s not it at all! What they have to do is constantly awaken the Love that is already there, but is changing in the way It feels. They have to keep investing themselves in their spouse, doing loving things and saying loving words and making love to their SPOUSE…

…and when they do this, they find that the “feelings” that they had when they were dating are still there!

It’s a mature married love, and it’s so satisfying. It will keep the marriage going and growing through anything, including tragedy, sickness, loss of income, death of loved ones, etc. It will even keep the marriage going strong when the husband farts or sprawls on the sofa to watch football!

I hope your wife (and you) can learn this principle and begin to practice it.

 

[987mk]

I was married for 13 years before my wife left me and our three kids.

The last two years of our marriage I did everything I could to save the marriage and at the end of the day, she left. She was basically incapable of being faithful and was rather bored.

She committed to being faithful in year 11 and I forgave her, but old habits tend to creep back in and yes, they did.

Marriage is tough, especially when one of the parties can’t stop looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

The thing is, that greener grass rests atop a septic tank.

You know what CAT said above? Bang on correct.

 

[Sampson12345]

I really appreciate all of your prayers and support. This is the best I have felt in awhile. I plan on sharing all of this with my wife. To hit on an earlier post. My wife grew up in an alcoholic house hold. She would take care of her mother and try and hide everything from her brother. This still effects their family today. Her mother is 2 years sober but it is still an issue. I feel that my wife has all the symptoms of an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). She also struggles with anxiety. Could these be a factor to our problem?

 

[Sampson12345]

Also I am not too good with blogs and message boards so I am not sure who is reading my response. I feel like God is speaking to me through Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. It just keeps cycling in my mind. Problem is I’m deeply hurt and want my life back. It’s hard to just be still…

 

[Cat]

I really appreciate all of your prayers and support. This is the best I have felt in awhile. I plan on sharing all of this with my wife. To hit on an earlier post. My wife grew up in an alcoholic house hold. She would take care of her mother and try and hide everything from her brother. This still effects their family today. Her mother is 2 years sober but it is still an issue. I feel that my wife has all the symptoms of an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). She also struggles with anxiety. Could these be a factor to our problem?

Definitely this is a factor. You are wise to pick up on this.

It’s possible that because of the insecure relationships that she experienced growing up, your wife has never felt secure in any relationship, and to try to “protect herself” from being hurt by someone she loves, she pulls away from that person and ends it herself.

I’ve seen a lot of people recommend Al-Anon (the organization for families of alcoholics). Perhaps they could help both of you through this rough time in your marriage.

I really hope that some older couple can help both of you to learn how to love each other forever, even when you don’t “feel” the love. It’s so helpful for a young woman to have an older woman to talk to and share with, and her mother is probably not the right person at this time. Is there someone that you both know and trust? A couple? Or is there an older Christian woman that your wife loves and trusts who can help her to learn to love her husband?

All of this has Biblical precedent–read Titus 2: 3-4. This is the way God intended–the older women training the younger women, and older men training younger men. I’m saying prayers that this can happen with you and your wife.