Struggling new wife

[AubrieG]

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers!
My husband and I were married May 10th this year, we love being married and he is such a wonderful man We bought a house that needed some work in September and decided to move into his parents basement until we could move into our new house. At the time we were expecting to be into the house within a few weeks. Its been two months and we are still living in the basement… I’m struggling with not feeling much like a wife. We don’t get much time to ourselves and he acts different around his family (not bad different, just more like a son than a husband)
We are so busy with him finishing school, leading youth group at church, working on the house and just life in general that he feels like he doesn’t have time to work on the house and wants us to stay here longer, not sure how much longer… I told him we can wait until he’s done with classes in november, but I won’t live in the basement indefininetly.
Then yesterday he told me that he agreed to help someone from our church move Saturday morning. I’m so frustrated that he will make time to help someone move, but can’t find time to work on the house. My mom has said that I should try not to burden him too much with my frustrations because he is doing his best and will feel really guilty… but I’m really really struggling and I feel like he doesn’t understand how badly I need us to be in our own place. Please help me know how to lovingly share my burdens with him without placing blame on his shoulders.

 

[NoMondays]

How old are you and your husband? I would suggest moving out as soon as possible to your own apartment, month to month if possible. Even if it is a studio or one bedroom, it would be good to be officially on your own.

 

[AubrieG]

He’s 28, I’m 25. We had an apartment, but thought we would be out of his parents much faster than reality has allowed…

 

[Kal2012]

You’re right that you can’t live with your in-laws forever.

The house doesn’t have to be perfect for you to move into it.

I’m sure it will get better.

Be patient.

 

[agnes_therese]

Is the house unsafe? If not, go ahead and move in. Lots of people work on their house while they’re living in it.

 

[MaryT777]

I would sit down and have a talk with him about how long he sees you living with his parents
and when he feels he will have time to work on the house. I think that’s a fair conversation to have. If it’s going to be a long period of time I would move out into an apartment.

I have known some people to move in with their parents and psychologcially they feel “right at home” and enjoy the family atmosphere of it. That may not be your husband but I wouldn’t let to much time go by with your husband getting too comfortable there.

A man and wife should cleave to each other as soon as can be done.

Best wishes and God bless,
Mary.

 

[marbleartist]

Can you possibly move on into your new house? Is it habitable? Many years ago (I’m old) my husband and I purchased a house that had been empty for a year! It had broken windows and even had grass growing up the staircase- but it had a great floor plan, and a potential to be a beautiful home. On weekends, we would go to the new home and paint, replace windows, etc…and dream about the day we moved. We placed our current home on the market and it sold immediately. Suddenly, we were homeless as the new house still resembled a haunted mansion. Given little choice, we concentrated on the bedroom in the new house and moved into it. We then proceeded to renovate, one room at a time- beginning with the kitchen and bathroom- while living in the house. The work went much quicker with us in the house- and desperate for a nice kitchen and bathroom. It took about a year to complete the entire house- but since we lived in it, we were able to work on it in any spare time- didn’t have to factor in travel time. Initially it was uncomfortable- but in retrospect it was an adventure! We have so many funny stories! So, you might consider moving into your house and beginning your own adventure.

 

[Orogeny]

Sounds like you are in serious need of a date night. Just the two of you and no discussion of the problems allowed. It won’t fix the house, but it will help you reconnect to one another.

Peace

Tim

 

[seagal]

MaryT is right, you both need to sit down and have a talk and make a definite plan with a timeline. A goal without a plan is just a dream. You both need to decide how long it will realistically take for the necessary work to be done. I know it would be easier to do the work when you’re not living in the house, but that’s not a realistic plan. There’s probably lots of stuff that can be done after you move in.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I’ve been there; living with another couple–especially family–is a tough situation to be in! It’s hard to feel like the “woman of the house” when it’s another woman’s house. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this stress and hope the situation changes for you soon!

I think it would help if you think about what you can do that will help you feel more “wifely” in your relationship right now. Take careful note here: I do not mean what you two can do as a couple, or what he can do for you. I mean, what can YOU do to feel more like his wife?

Would it help to plan some sweet or romantic little surprises for your husband, especially to show respect for him and appreciation for what he does? Planning little things like this is usually fun, and they don’t have to cost much–and some don’t cost anything but your time and effort.

Do you need a “Girls’ Night” with a friend or two, just to help you feel girly and giggly? Or can you and Mom-In-Law go out for a light lunch, some window shopping, and a mani/pedi (if you like that kind of thing)? If you don’t have the extra money for something like that, save up for it and/or check for free events in your area that you’d enjoy.

When you talk to him about it, try to focus on the things that you are looking forward to doing once you can move into your house. You could say something like, “I really appreciate your parents letting us stay here. Still, I can’t wait to be able to cook you breakfast in our very own kitchen!” You can even “set the scene” and tell him what you imagine it will be like. Help him picture your future together in a positive light, and that will help him to work toward that goal more productively (and will also remind you that you two are a team working toward that future together).

When you really need to express negative emotions occasionally, be careful about timing (don’t try to talk to him while he’s getting ready to go to work, for example). You might tell him at the beginning of the conversation what you’re asking of him. State that you would just like him to listen so you can vent for a few minutes, that you don’t really need a solution, but just talking about it will help you feel better… or that you ARE seeking a solution and want his advice, if that’s the case. If you are expressing frustration and notice he’s getting tense or defensive, remind him that you’re not blaming him, and that you know he’s doing his best–that you are just frustrated with the situation, not with him (and make sure your words and actions match up with that!). And thank him for working to change the situation (for what he does get done, even if you feel he could be doing more). Don’t vent for too long, and afterward, thank him for listening and let him know you feel better about it just by talking about it. (Some men don’t get this, and can get frustrated when they don’t know what they’re supposed to do next, thinking they need to do or say something specific. This lets him know that he’s already done the job and helped just by listening and being “there” for you.)

And make time for each other–even if it’s just twenty minutes every other evening. Discuss together what you need to feel close and connected, and set a regular “date night” as well (it doesn’t have to be fancy–just cuddling and talking is fine, as long as you’re both happy with that). This special time should take priority and not be cancelled or rescheduled without enthusiastic agreement from both of you (except in cases of emergency). Just make sure it’s positive–this is not the time for venting (remember timing!).

I know how it feels when you’re so looking forward to moving in and making your house a home, and the deadline keeps getting pushed backward. It’s especially hard when it seems like it’s not as high a priority for him as it is for you, but remember that he really wants to make you happy, and wants to finish the house, too. He is probably doing his best (and he could be feeling a little discouraged about the setbacks, too). Support him, let him lead, and love him for it. I will pray for you!

 

[Xantippe]

Here are a few thoughts:

1. You guys probably made a mistake by buying a house (and especially a fixer) as newlyweds and also by moving in to his parents’ house, but there’s not a lot that can be done about the house at this point. But just for anybody reading this and thinking of doing the same thing, just living together in an apartment is a plenty big adjustment for a young couple. Dave Ramsey, the personal finance guy, encourages newlyweds to wait a year before buying a house and he also discourages newlyweds from living with parents.
2. The interpersonal weirdness you’re experiencing is not just your imagination–being around parents does often turn adult children into little kids, which can be uncomfortable if you are married to them.
3. Apartment?
4. While your husband is in school, you should probably chill, but you guys should plan on being out of the in-laws’ house by Christmas (or New Year’s, at the latest). Talk about a time table after he finishes school.
5. Both you and your husband need to memorize the sentence, “I’ll have to ask my wife/husband” when you are asked a favor that will affect your spouse. Learn not to say yes on the spot to friends or family. It would be unfortunate to be a bad spouse and a good friend–much better to be the opposite.
6. Moving into the unfinished house has its dangers. What I would be afraid of (having grown up in a house my parents were building but never quite finished after about five years) is that you guys will start having kids and the project will stall out. Your current schedule is not giving me a lot of faith in your ability to finish the job by yourselves.
7. Consider paying actual tradespeople to do stuff for you, or at least help? That would speed stuff up. If you guys both work overtime and/or take on second jobs, you could hire somebody to finish your job for you.

Good luck!

 

[DanielJT]

His first responsibility is to you, his wife, and the family that you two are beginning to build together. But he cannot know your needs unless you voice them.

This whole advice to “not burden him” with your concerns sounds very old fashioned to me. Your struggles are his, and his struggles are yours. You are of one yoke now. That is the nature of marriage.

I would tell you this: approach him with love, but do not beat around the bush with your concerns. The first year is often the hardest because it can be hard for individuals to make the mental shift in the fact that you are leaving your family to start a new family. You are an adult now, called to respect your parents but no longer to obey.

Check out Ephesians 5:31

It seems fitting that what needs to happen here is for a house to be built before you two can truly move into your new marriage.

But I would caution you with this: be patient. Give credit where credit is due, where he makes active steps in your marriage. And patience. None of us are perfect and these major life changes are hard for some than others.

 

[John-the-Seeker]

I too lived in mny parents home with my wife and family. The monetary savings and the advantages of living with relatives is out weighed by the disadavantages. Jesus said in Mathew 19: 3-5
[3] And there came to him the Pharisees tempting him, and saying: Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? [4] Who answering, said to them: Have ye not read, that he who made man from the beginning, Made them male and female? And he said: [5] For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they two shall be in one flesh.

The question was not about living or not living with relatives but I believe the advice is valid in your case as well.

May God continue to bless both you and your husband richly now and forever amen.

 

[Michael_Mayo]

Is the house unsafe? If not, go ahead and move in. Lots of people work on their house while they’re living in it.

I am with Agnes. If it is safe, live ther even if it is not as concenient or comfortable.
You will be creating better memories.

 

[FrenzyJen]

My mom has said that I should try not to burden him too much with my frustrations because he is doing his best and will feel really guilty

This, as well as when you mentioned that he is more like a son than a husband around his family, are both red flags that this situation is not working.

You should not be venting to your mother about your husband. You should be telling this to your husband. Don’t take your marriage problems outside of your marriage. It is between the two of you. Besides, your mother gave you terrible advice.

Please tell him that you are frustrated with the situation, and that you would appreciate it if he could learn to say no to putting others before the health of his marriage (because this situation sounds like it is causing lots of problems right off the bat).

Another thought: Why don’t you go do some work on the house? It will at least get something done, and has the potential to motivate your husband a bit more as well.

 

[LogisticsBranch]

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers!
My husband and I were married May 10th this year, we love being married and he is such a wonderful man We bought a house that needed some work in September and decided to move into his parents basement until we could move into our new house. At the time we were expecting to be into the house within a few weeks. Its been two months and we are still living in the basement… I’m struggling with not feeling much like a wife. We don’t get much time to ourselves and he acts different around his family (not bad different, just more like a son than a husband)
We are so busy with him finishing school, leading youth group at church, working on the house and just life in general that he feels like he doesn’t have time to work on the house and wants us to stay here longer, not sure how much longer… I told him we can wait until he’s done with classes in november, but I won’t live in the basement indefininetly.
Then yesterday he told me that he agreed to help someone from our church move Saturday morning. I’m so frustrated that he will make time to help someone move, but can’t find time to work on the house. My mom has said that I should try not to burden him too much with my frustrations because he is doing his best and will feel really guilty… but I’m really really struggling and I feel like he doesn’t understand how badly I need us to be in our own place. Please help me know how to lovingly share my burdens with him without placing blame on his shoulders.

Hello dear one,
I’m over sixty years old and have been married to my husband for over three decades. If I were in your situation I would tell my husband, “Honey, it’s time for us to go home. It doesn’t have to be perfect to live in. All I need is you, a bed, a working bathroom, and camping gear (two lawn chairs, a card table, pots and pans, and a cooler).”

It is very important for a healthy married couple to spend time alone with each other. I will be praying for each of you. Take care and don’t worry. Trust in God.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Sounds to me husband needs some Priority readjustment, he finds it hard to be the husband he needs to be because of you both living with his family,
So I can fully understand that he appears to be the son,not the husband,
You just might need to be patient just a little longer,
But, you must spend time alone with him away from the family home,
Talk to him, tell him you love him truck loads, and tell him your patient,
But you must tell that you could possibly run low on patients if this goes on forever,
Your really wanting to be a married couple that have there own life and do there own thing,

 

[Iheartcoffee]

It doesn’t matter how nice the family is or how nice the basement is. Basically, being married but not having your own place to be a married couple is not a good idea. I think it is absolutely appropriate to discuss a timeline. You deserve your husband as a husband, not as his parents’ son that happens to have a wife now. Even with the best intentions, dynamics are just different when the parents are around.

 

[blujazz25]

we lived with my parents 2 bedroom apartment when we got back from our wedding (we got married abroad). Stayed there for a couple of months until we got an apartment ourselves, I love my parents to bits but I do not want to have my husband feel left out, plus even living with my own parents at that time made me feel suffocated with my mom constantly giving me ‘advice’ that is feeling a little too close to home for me (and had less privacy).
I would talk to your husband about it, he should be clinging on to you and the both of you should start your own nest. If the house if fairly livable, move there and work on it as you go, that will be a nice bonding moment for the both of you as you build your house together.