Struggling to find my home in the church

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joyfulandactive

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I converted to the faith from atheism 30 years ago (hard to believe it’s that long ago!). I came into the church through a very vibrant and joyful faith community and made deep friendships that I have to this day. However, I am not American and when I met my American husband and moved to the US I have had more of a struggle finding a community to belong to. We lived outside the US for about 6 years (military) and since we have been back I have not found a loving community to belong to. For example recently I was a member of SVDP and when I contacted the leader in October to explain I could not fufull my Chrsitmas commitments because my 11 yr old son had been diagnosed with cancer, I never heard from the group again. No calls, no visits. I find it so hard to feel parishes even notice that I am present, despite giving generously financially and in volunteer time.

I have even considered going to a different denomination for fellowship (not for mass on Sunday). I have not made that step but I feel very sad.
 
I am sorry this has been your experience. Would it be possible for you to try going to a different parish?
 
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I suppose that kind of “impersonal” reception is normal in Western societies [Europe and North America.] I see that complaint a lot on CAF. Think about those persons that are just now converting and in that exact environment - they complaint and yet go through it.

Think also about the opposite…If you were in a community that was “very welcoming” soon you’d be faced with personal questions and perhaps getting to know people “too fast”. So the initial “welcoming” could soon develop to someone meddling in your life. [And this is very common in some “denominations” were soon after members of the congregation will seek to gain some “control” over you.]

There is also a certain (not obvious) sense to solitude, to lonesomeness. Although we should seek being in communion with others it is not always possible…

Remember, you go to church -foremost- to be with Christ, and receive the Eucharist partaking in mass. Socializing is secondary to the former. And trading one for the other is likely what you will find in other denominations - not the deal a good Christian should look for, look for Christ and at Christ foremost.
 
I feel the people are genuine but I struggle to connect. For example I called to ask if my two teens coukd volunteer for service hours and they said they didn’t have anything for volunteers to do, which is hard to believe.

My old parish is further away, I guess I am disheartened because people there knew about my son too and again noone contacted us, even though all our children were baptised there!
 
But even Jesus had his family, faith community and disciples! We have no family here, also I am from a Western country so I am not sure how your theory applies? But thank you for all your kind thoughts.
 
I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience. It seems to me that this is a common complaint and we Catholics could really use some better strategies for welcoming new members of our parishes. I’ve moved several times in my life and with each move came a new parish. Each time I had to work really hard to find the group(s) that I felt the most comfortable joining within each parish. The moves came at different stages in life as well, so what worked for me when I was 25 was different than when I was 35 and 45 and so on. It may mean finding out when the meetings are and going to a lot of different group meetings to find out where you fit in. At this stage of my life, my child is grown and no longer living at home, so I’m not as involved in the same groups as when she was little. Frankly, my involvement in the extracurricular activities is pretty minimal.

I don’t have much to offer other than to keep trying! I would be wary of seeking out groups affiliated with other denominations lest they try to steer you away from Catholicism in a weak moment.
 
Thank you Janet, I would never leave the church, I just miss the love and fellowship. I also am very busy with my family so find it hard to make time to keep trying new groups. I really was surprised when the SVDP group never contacted me again.
 
I am too. The SVDP group in my parish is very active. But not all parishes are the same. I hear you about being busy and finding time to keep trying is hard. 😉
 
I’m sorry you are in this position. It’s definitely something parishes aren’t always good at.
 
They are an active group and were glad to have another volunteer. I just feel so sad because I am not able to share my concerns about my son with my faith community. It just feels lonely to not share your burdens with Christian friends. I have maintained my faith all this time and always will.
 
In my experience (depending on which part of country you live in & the size of your parish), American parishes tend to have fellowship type events during the week, and not on Sunday.

In parishes where the majority of Catholics have lived in the parish for generations, people tend to bolt out of mass and head home for extended family events.
  • Brunch or afternoon dinner at grandparent’s house
  • Brunch at restaurants with in-laws
  • Go to children’s house to play with grandchildren
  • etc
Typically, American parishes that tend to be fellowship focused on Sundays are parishes where:
  1. everyone is a transplant without much or any family near by (places like S. Florida)
  2. people are mostly elderly and the majority of their kids have all moved away (like some rural or remove suburban areas where their kids have moved to cities)
  3. parishes with lots of converts
  4. parishes / chapels on military bases
Unfortunately, if you are in a parish where everyone is a cradle Catholic and has known each other for 20, 30, 40+ years; it’s hard to make friends on Sundays because everyone knows each other outside of Church. And because cradle Catholics tend to use Sunday as a day devoted to going to Mass and then spending the rest of the day with family.

So my suggestions:
  1. attend daily mass - except for the people who have to go to work right after mass, retirees tend to hang out after daily mass more than they do on Sundays
  2. attend adult faith formation events and bible studies. People tend to hand out a little afterwards to talk after those too vs. Sundays.
  3. whenever they have dinners, happy hours, etc; attend.
  4. if your parish doesn’t have many dinners, volunteer to organize some.
  • My parish has a Spanish ministry, and the Spanish ministry started sponsoring dinners for the entire parish for Our Lady of Guadeloupe, and we have had some other dinners for other events.
  • We have also international Rosary events where we pray the rosary in several languages: 1. English, 2. Spanish, 3 Italian 4. Korean and 5. Latin We have also done Swedish and German, and Polish too.
  • We also have several pot luck dinners and during lent we have Soup & Stations on Fridays (instead of a fish fry)
  • Speak to Father about bringing FORMED.org to your parish (if you don’t already have it) and starting a small discipleship group. Discipleship groups (similar to pray groups) are small groups that pray, study and support one another. Usually no more than 7 people in each group, they meet at the parish, someone’s house, coffee shop, library conference room, etc.
They key is to get involved Monday - Saturday (not including the Sunday Mass on Saturday), but not during Sunday, because again: most America cradle Catholics in historically Catholic areas don’t see Sunday as fellowship time.

God Bless
 
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Our parish is about 10 years old and growing about 3% a year. I always hear from the parish when they want money though! (Not meant to be unkind)
 
A lot could depend on the part of America that you relocated to. For example, in New England, people tend to be more formal and guarded than they are in the South.

America is a large country, and it has many diverse regions. As a person who grew up in New England, I had to learn about the differences in the South. (When a person you don’t on the street approaches you and says Hello, they are just being friendly, and they do not necessarily want something from you.)

On the flip side, If a person from the South said hello to a person in New England on the street and received a curt hello, the New Englander would view the Southerner as invading their space by not showing proper etiquette.

Confusion occurs because outsiders do not know the difference between the many diverse sections of America.
 
joyfulandactive said:
Our parish is about 10 years old and growing about 3% a year. I always hear from the parish when they want money though! (Not meant to be unkind)
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Only ten years old, huh? What part of the country? You don’t have a to be specific, is it a historic catholic area? Lots of cradle Catholics, or is it a transplant community?

New parishes (eps in suburbs) sometimes take a while to develop a sense of community of Father doesn’t know how to foster it. Not all priests are suited to found or lead new parishes.
 
HolySpirit said:
A lot could depend on the part of America that you relocated to. For example, in New England, people tend to be more formal and guarded than they are in the South.

America is a large country, and it has many diverse regions. As a person who grew up in New England, I had to learn about the differences in the South. (When a person you don’t on the street approaches you and says Hello, they are just being friendly, and they do not necessarily want something from you.)

On the flip side, If a person from the South said hello to a person in New England on the street and received a curt hello, the New Englander would view the Southerner as invading their space by not showing proper etiquette.

Confusion occurs because outsiders do not know the difference between the many diverse sections of America.
Click to expand...
True… it’s not always a Catholic thing. If you live in an area where most people don’t even know their own neighbors, chances are, that same thing will flow into the parish, esp if you have a few thousand parishioners
 
joyfulandactive said:
Our parish is about 10 years old and growing about 3% a year. I always hear from the parish when they want money though! (Not meant to be unkind)
Click to expand...
You don’t have to be from somewhere else to experience that kind of reaction. One thing I have found as I have been a member of a number of parishes. Many of the organizations and functions are people who are very territorial. It is there little world and they don’t want anyone else in it. It is a sad but true fact of all life, not only the life of a parish. Might I suggest trying other venues, or simply just going to SVDP functions and offer to help. Good luck and don’t give up.
 
I also wanted to mention that I dealt with this same thing for a while when I first returned to the Church. I was a transplant, so I knew NO ONE in the parish from outside Church.

It took a while for me to make acquaintances / friends with parishioners; but eventually I did by attending Adult Faith Formation events, Bible Study, and getting involved with one committee. So eventually, I did get to meet people, but I didn’t meet people on Sundays.
 
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