Struggling with anger/impatience

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The main area of sin that I struggle with is anger. When I was younger I was more prone to get into big arguments with people, but I’ve learned to control that. However, I still can be rude or at least entertain feelings of annoyance frequently, over very small things. I am easily offended and I also get irritated by people’s imperfections (or at least, what I percieve to be imperfections).

I want to stop doing this, to stop offending our Lord like this, but I am finding it so hard. I mention it in confession all the time, but can anyone suggest any practical things to do to combat this? Any saints who struggled with this and their suggestions?

Thank you in advance and God bless you. 🙂
 
I am fascinated by anger and have worked a lot on mine. I fancy myself one day writing a book about anger, maybe anger while driving – everything from potentially deadly road rage to flipping off others to being annoyed that a left turner blew your chance at a light.

Can you set up a simplistic scenario, and maybe write a couple lines how it might go and what you might say and later regret? Like is it when they do or say wrong things, or don’t believe you, or do things that annoy you?

One way a psychologist told me about to categorize “unacceptable behavior” of others, is in three categories each suggesting a different strategy: 1) your behavior causes me a problem, 2) we have a needs conflict (e.g. we both need the car), and 3) values conflict – I don’t approve of what you are doing.

It would help me focus on this and could be interesting if you could set one up and we can try to offer modified versions, and a strategy to implement. 👍
 
Practice listening to other peoples opinions and letting them have their way in small unimportant matters.
 
BlueKnight said:
Practice listening to other peoples opinions and letting them have their way in small unimportant matters.
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I like that idea. ❤️

Another one to self-mortify anger triggers could be to watch comedians who make fun of things I find true or even sacred. At least don’t become offended, and ultimately see why they are laughing and laugh with them.

In addition to practicing ignoring triggers (like Jesus did in the desert) this helps me to see what I’m saying “from the outside” and invariably helps me understand my own view better. If I don’t change my mind on it, then the added awareness helps me describe and discuss it more effectively.

Things that trigger me for anger are usually because I don’t have control over something, even if the sound in the room for five seconds if anybody would just “shut up,” for example.
 
I’ve been through that phase and noticed the closer I get to the Lord the “mental arguments” increase (blaming others or critizing others etc). However, I’ve noticed that constant visits to the Blessed Sacrament helps me to be in the present moment with the Lord. Sometimes, I just take deep breaths, inhale-hold breath for 3 seconds, exhale-hold breath for 3 seconds. It has made a difference and catch myself shifting my perspective or having productive thoughts. I would recommend reading “Consoling the Heart of Jesus: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat- Inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius” by Father Michael E. Gaitley. We’re human and we will struggle, the great thing is that Jesus is always the answer. Take care 🙂

p.s. You can also meditate of Jesus’ passion by praying the Divine Mercy chaplet.
 
JesusxInfinity said:
I’ve been through that phase and noticed the closer I get to the Lord the “mental arguments” increase (blaming others or critizing others etc). However, I’ve noticed that constant visits to the Blessed Sacrament helps me to be in the present moment with the Lord. Sometimes, I just take deep breaths, inhale-hold breath for 3 seconds, exhale-hold breath for 3 seconds. It has made a difference and catch myself shifting my perspective or having productive thoughts. I would recommend reading “Consoling the Heart of Jesus: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat- Inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius” by Father Michael E. Gaitley. We’re human and we will struggle, the great thing is that Jesus is always the answer. Take care 🙂

p.s. You can also meditate of Jesus’ passion by praying the Divine Mercy chaplet.
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That sounds like a really good start. 🙂
 
Flame4 said:
…I still can be rude or at least entertain feelings of annoyance frequently, over very small things. I am easily offended …
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It sounds like the problem here might be pride and an over-inflated sense of importance. But then again, I may just be projecting. 🙂

Maybe praying the Litany of Humility on a regular basis could be one step to mortifying pride. Consciously offering humiliations to Our Lord, in union with His own humiliations, might be another.

Another attitude that could be cultivated is a letting go of this preoccupation to focus on ourselves in everything, and instead focus on God. “I never do this, I have this weakness, I always approach this from this perspective, me-me-me-me” is very centered on the self. “God, I have this weakness, please help. But now I’m going to spend a lot of time praising You and thanking You for Your great goodness.”

Easier said than done, I know.
 
Flame4 said:
The main area of sin that I struggle with is anger. When I was younger I was more prone to get into big arguments with people, but I’ve learned to control that. However, I still can be rude or at least entertain feelings of annoyance frequently, over very small things. I am easily offended and I also get irritated by people’s imperfections (or at least, what I percieve to be imperfections).

I want to stop doing this, to stop offending our Lord like this, but I am finding it so hard. I mention it in confession all the time, but can anyone suggest any practical things to do to combat this? Any saints who struggled with this and their suggestions?

Thank you in advance and God bless you. 🙂
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Yes, anger is a big problem for me as well. My spiritual director and I work on this more than anything else.

Because it is human to feel anger, there is nothing inherently sinful about it—what matters is what you do with that anger. When I feel anger building up inside me, I slowly count to ten before I say or do anything. If I react immediately, I’m liable to say or do anything. :sad_yes:

If the rage is just too intense to be diffused by waiting ten seconds, I smile and then leave the situation, with the promise to return in 5/10/15/20 minutes. Then I go cool off. It takes the time it takes. This approach can’t be taken in all scenarios, but in circumstances where it can be applied I’ve found it quite effective in preventing anger-fueled damage that would take years to heal (assuming it ever does).

On the other hand, it’s important not to deny the anger you feel, either. More often than not, doing so will simply delay the inevitable: all that anger will come out at some point, and when it does… :bigyikes: Instead, process it, maybe do something constructive with it, and then get rid of it. That is much easier said than done. The book Overcoming Sinful Anger: How to Master Your Emotions & Bring Peace to Your Life by Fr. T.G. Morrow may help. It’s a slim volume, only 103 pages, so it doesn’t require a major time commitment. I’m about 1/3 of the way through it. It’s been an eye-opener so far.

Hope this helps in some way. God bless!
 
These are some really good ideas so far.

Like that it is human to feel anger at times, so it’s about what I do with it.

For me it’s about both the strategy for handling it so that it defuses and doesn’t cause damage to others, and for rooting out the underlying issues that cause them.

For me it can come through various memes like fear, pride, judgment, and usually features frustration that the world isn’t how it should be and I don’t have magical powers to fix it so I will get angry instead so that it knows I’m Not Happy with it.

I’m gonna ring up my subconscious and see what it has to say for itself.
“Hey horse, why do you make me go off on a hair trigger all the time? It’s not helpful to my case and I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed.”

Its reply:

"Hey I’m just doing what I was trained up to do, when being formed as a Good Little Boy. After all, didn’t adults teach me that if I do wrong it makes them angry? And pretend that the anger was a necessary part of making me a Better Person? Because it signaled that they were in control of me and would hurt me to prove it if they had to.

"Then maybe if I’m angry at someone, I see them as my beloved child who has erred, and must be fixed by first recognizing that they make me VERY ANGRY. Because I really love them and care about them and I have a sincere wish for them to become Better People, and since I know they are acting naughty I will put on that face to scare, intimidate, or shame them into Better Behavior. Maybe I will punish them, too, if the anger doesn’t work by itself. But it’s all an act. I’m not really an angry person. I’m just behaving the way I was taught.

"And by the way, to make you more convincing, I have the amnesia programs in full operation so that you may forget your true self, made in the image of God, so that you may believe the lie that it’s an act and really get into your role of Helper.

“I’ve just made you an expert at following your role models as to dealing with errant behavior or troublesome situations. I can give you speed, direction and power. Didn’t you want to be just like those you feared and admired as a kid? I just did my best to make you like them so if that’s not what you want, let me know.”

Love,
Your horse.
My reply: “hmmm… I wonder if there is any human being I can model, who never gets angry?”
Its answer: “sorry but there is only one perfect human, and for Him, turning over the tables in the temple in an angry rage is documented. You’ll just have to listen to Him for Best Practices, but know that even ‘perfect’ humans do get angry at times.”
 
+JMJ+

The problem with anger is that it feels good. St. Thomas Aquinas said that anger is “sweet to the soul as honey to the taste”. Since anger feels good, it has to be managed like how one manages other pleasures like food, drink, and sex; that is, by using it just enough so as to live, but not too much or too little as to die. For we know that not only does too much anger kills us physically by making us ill and exposing us to unnecessary violence, but it also kills us spiritually by sin. However, too little anger makes us vulnerable, and it is also a sin.

So how do we do this? We have to understand first why anger is pleasureable. According to St. Thomas Aquinas, “anger is the desire to hurt another for the purpose of just vengeance.” Somebody must have done something hurtful to you for you to be angry, and therefore you want to hurt that same somebody as vengeance. Hurting that somebody, or the promise of doing so, gives pleasure.

Now, what would happen if in the process of being angry, you realize that the same anger you are feeling is hurting you physically and spiritually, more than the one you are angry towards, if you let it go out of control? Since you realize that anger is hurting you, you turn your anger on itself, and the most just way for that anger to have vengeance on itself is to kill itself, or at least lessen to a manageable level so I can deal justly with the one who angered me. You short circuit it.

It is as simple as that. It is when I am aware of signs of out-of-control anger like a clenching of jaws, vision tunneling, and ragged breathing that I remember the bad effects of anger on my physical and spiritual health, and I calm down most of the time without using any other method of calming down aside from making a quick prayer to God for help and repentance. At the very least I refuse to be more hurt than the one I am angry with! 😛
 
Sounds like a combination of anger and pride and what the OP describes is something I confess almost every week. Last week my priest advised me that becoming easily irritated about what others say or do can be a sign that whatever is annoying me may be a trait that I myself have and dislike about myself. His insight has been helpful.

My advice to the OP is to continue bringing this to Confession as the graces received there will help to overcome the sin. Just confessing is a humbling experience and being aware of your annoyance is a great step towards your growth in self-knowledge. I also second the advice of a PP and recommend the Litany of Humility.
 
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