Struggling with best friend going through IVF

[sydney28]

One of my dearest friends and her husband just had their first IVF transfer this week. They are not Catholic, and therefore don’t see any problems with it from a moral standpoint.

I, of course, see MANY problems with it, including the fact that they waited until they were both over 40 (and 15 years into their marriage) to “try” to have kids…and when it didn’t happen the natural way, decided to go straight to IVF.

I am very conflicted because she wants to share with me about the procedure, etc, but I don’t want to hear about it. I can’t share in her excitement and anticipation because I think it is completely wrong and immoral. BUT, I can’t really expect her to agree with me since we do not have the same religious beliefs.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I find that many of my friends are going the IVF route these days and it is very hard for me to listen to them discuss it.

I do not want to lose our friendship, and I do not want her to feel that I am being judgmental. But at the same time I feel like maybe I need to let her know my feelings and position on IVF…any advice?

 

[Dempsey1919]

I am very conflicted because she wants to share with me about the procedure, etc, but I don’t want to hear about it. I can’t share in her excitement and anticipation because I think it is completely wrong and immoral. BUT, I can’t really expect her to agree with me since we do not have the same religious beliefs.

Your friend is not Catholic. She doesn’t know that God is against artificial insemination and artificial fertilization. As a Catholic you know this is wrong, but you must not judge her harshly because she is ignorant of this fact.

Don’t say or do anything that could offend or hurt your friend. Teach her the truth in a loving and caring fashion. You should look for ways to educate your friend about the Catholic teaching on this matter. Share our Catholic faith, but don’t force it on her.

In all likelihood, your friend will not change her mind or adopt our beliefs as her own. However, at least you can rest assured that you have tried to prevent her from sinning.

You will not be able to prevent her from doing this, but you can help to prepare her for motherhood. If she falls pregnant, she is going to need your help and advice. The baby that will be born deserves to be loved regardless of how he was conceived. And the child will definitely benefit by your presence in his life. You never know, you may be able to bring the child’s soul to Christ and his Church. At the very least, you will be a Christian influence in the life of this child. As his parents are not Catholic, it is very likely that this child will not be exposed to the Catholic faith. This is why you are important. Your role will be to help this child find the truth as he grows to manhood.

 

[kage_ar]

I’d sit down with her, look her in the eye and say:

"I value your friendship and I care about you. Friendship is based on mutual respect. You know that I am a practicing Catholic, and I believe that IVF is morally contrary to natural law.

Again, I love you. Out of respect for my beliefs, can we agree to discuss your pregnancy and the baby all day long, but to leave the IVF details out?"

A real friend will understand.

 

[littlepreo]

I think that you could make a completely secular argument against IVF. If so, it doesn’t matter if she’s not catholic. Here’s what I mean:

1. sperm alone will not grow into human beings, therefore they are not human.
2. eggs alone will not grow into human beings, therefore they are not human.
3. fertilized eggs, can grow into human beings, therefore they may be human.
4. since the process of IVF creates dozens of these embryos, and most of them are discarded, it is (at a minimum) reckless endangerment to human life.

I know it’s not as beautiful as the Catholic church’s teachings (i.e. the sanctity of human life, being created in the image and likeness of God, and theology of the body) but at least its a starting point.

If you do talk to your friend about this, it’s likely that she will argue, “Since the embryos die naturally in the petri dish it is not murder.”

Here are two arguments against this:

1. My first argument is that the death is not actually due to a natural cause. Let’s take the case of an infant. If a mother is negligent and does not feed her baby and the baby dies, is that ‘natural’? Similarly, what if she puts the infant into a harsh environment where the baby dies. Is that natural? If someone you knew was caring for 12 babies and eleven of them died, would you blame nature or the care giver?
   Secondly, there is a very important distinction between a miscarriage and IVF. In the case of a miscarriage, it is presumed that the mother has done everything within her power to care for the embryo/fetus. It is only when things are completely out of our control what we can say it is ‘natures fault’. In the case of IVF it is completely within our control. First we decide whether or not to make the embryos, and second we decide whether or not to place the embryos in a nurturing environment where they have a chance of surviving.
2. My second argument is similar to what is called “Pascal’s Wager”. It is not a completely secular argument, but it only assumes a belief in some sort of God or higher power.
   The fundamental issue of IVF is when life begins. Science and reason will never be able to prove when a soul is given to an embryo, consequently we must take a guess or a wager.
   Let’s say that someone decides that an embryo is not a human being. Now, if they are correct, then they have not committed murder and they are safe in God’s eyes; but if they are not correct, and God does see it as murder, then they have committed a grave sin.
   Now let’s say that someone decides that an embryo is a human being and therefore does not support or partake in the destruction of any embryos. If it turns out that they are right, and embryos are human beings, then they made a darn good choice. If they are wrong, and it turns out that embryos are not human, then oh well they were wrong. There are no damning consequences.
   In other words, since we don’t (and cannot) know when life begins, we must take the safest bet.

Hope this helps,
mike

 

[Sina]

I’ve been through that too. I have also been through situations where a close friend had an abortion. I would rather the IVF… but both are against God’s will.

As others have said, your friend isn’t Catholic so she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Pray for her, and support her pregnancy.

One of my dearest friends and her husband just had their first IVF transfer this week. They are not Catholic, and therefore don’t see any problems with it from a moral standpoint.

I, of course, see MANY problems with it, including the fact that they waited until they were both over 40 (and 15 years into their marriage) to “try” to have kids…and when it didn’t happen the natural way, decided to go straight to IVF.

I am very conflicted because she wants to share with me about the procedure, etc, but I don’t want to hear about it. I can’t share in her excitement and anticipation because I think it is completely wrong and immoral. BUT, I can’t really expect her to agree with me since we do not have the same religious beliefs.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I find that many of my friends are going the IVF route these days and it is very hard for me to listen to them discuss it.

I do not want to lose our friendship, and I do not want her to feel that I am being judgmental. But at the same time I feel like maybe I need to let her know my feelings and position on IVF…any advice?

 

[TC2]

How about just telling her that you’ll pray for Gods will to be done?

I’m not Catholic, but that response certainly wouldn’t have offended me (we did art. insem). I’d be grateful for it, truthfully, because that’s what we were praying for.

 

[sydney28]

Thank you all for the advice. It was all very helpful and I feel much more confident about talking with her this week