Struggling With Chastity--Help!

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St_Aloysius

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I need some advice. I’m super proud of my faith, and I think I actually have something of a reputation at school for being an exemplary Christian. I struggle, however, badly in the area of chastity.

About a year ago I openly admitted my bisexuality. My closest friends already knew about it. (When I say “openly admitted,” I mean mainly with my self; my parents know but I think suppress it so badly that it’s almost become an unreal dream to them. Needless to say, we don’t discuss it. It’s too hard for them and for me… My father doesn’t think of me the same because of it, and my mother’s in denial. Both are distant.)

My sexual attraction really leans towards guys like myself, I’ll admit. I can have deep, emotional connections with girls and have a fun and chaste relationship with them–but guys are a different issue altogether. I can’t control myself around them! I pass it off as joking when I flirt or make advances, which I suppose my friends take as a long-running gag between all of us. Since they return the sentiments jokingly, it’s very hard to quit. Some of them are beautiful! And I feel like I’m drooling over them night and day and it’s detracting from my relationship with God. A lot.

I’m an ordinary guy. I’m well-built, I have a semi-deep, lysp-free voice, have more than a few girls interested in me, and I’m in the “in crowd” at my school. In short, no one labels me a bi, as no one could tell by appearance. The fact that I can get away with it makes it worse… I pet and stroke and hug my male friends, write and say romantic things, all in the name of jest… They think it’s hilarious. I think it’s sad and can barely keep from salivating all over them.

I’ve noticed that like weeds in a garden, this rampant sexual attraction (especially to one in particular) is choking and killing my relationship with my heavenly Father. I feel like a hypocrite–a big one.

I need prayers, and practical advise. SOMETHING! Please…
 
I will definately put you on my prayer list.

You did not mention your age but I will assume since you are still in school that you are in your teens or early twenties. I would strongly encourage you to refrain from labelling yourself in the way you are doing. You are in the midst of a hormonal rush that may be causing all types of confusion and to attach yourself to this confusion would be a serious mistake at this point.

By engaging in flirtatious banter with other boys you are playing with fire. You are encouraging this confusion in yourself. Rather than investing your hormonal energy in this disordered behavior, you should be praying for God to give you clear direction and grace to withstand this desire to inappropriate behavior.

You said you have good relationships with girls. I would strongly recommend you nourish these friendships and redirect some of this romantic drive (while remaining chaste and respectful) toward them. IF (and that’s a big if) you are truly attracted to both genders, then you more than many DO have a choice. If you love God and wish to please Him, that choice should be clear.

On a personal note, most of my homosexual and bisexual friends ALL had mixed feelings in their youth. Some, who have now returned to the Church and are living chastely, truly regret that they did not nourish their feelings, no matter how thin they may have been, toward the opposite sex while they were still young. Believe me when I say that one can become so deeply immersed in disordered lifestlyes that it may be nearly impossible later to undo the damage.
 
I’m 14.

Yes, I truly am attracted to both genders. I actually do like a girl very much right now, and get the feeling she likes me, as well. We’ve hung out, even if never officially been on a “date” together. (I don’t like what most teens my age call dating anyway; it’s boring, in my opinion, and shallow. Sitting in a dark movie theater for two hours doesn’t build a relationship…) But I feel really guilty around her because I think she deserves better–someone that can give her all their attention.

We talk in one period, and in the next I’m all over my guy friends. I feel like I daily betray her–and my friendships with these guys. I really do regret it, but feel captured right now. It’s hard to do what is right, to bring myself to pray when temptation comes.
 
Dear Aloysius,

You are 14. 14 has to be the hardest age (12-17) actually. I would suggest you get Christopher West’s book “The Good News about sex and marriage” (I think it’s the title) It has a chapter dealing with same sex attraction.

I am old enough to be your mom, but I truly believe you are too young to truly understand the feelings you are having. I bet many people have contradictory feelings at your age.

Even if you have a specific girl in mind, being a good (chaste) friend to her is definitely what you should do. You really do not need a girlfriend at this age, because you are still growing up.

Also, our society tends to think guys need to be jocks, or these macho guys. If you do not identify with being like that, it does not make you gay. Men don’t need to all be into sports, or be"alpha males" to be male. Men can be sensitive too.

Could what you feel is attraction be envy towards other males? Maybe you feel that they are “cooler” than you?

14 year-olds do have a lot of negativity to deal with.

As some motherly advice, please be careful about who you share this with. There are lots of bad people who could try to take advantage of you.

Also, pray, go to mass, and try to stay out of mortal sin, if you fall, go to confession. Remember that Jesus loves you more than we can ever imagine, and that he want your eternal happiness. (Which means heaven)

Also, do not look at porn! All it will do is put ideas in your head that will confuse you, and the images will stay with you for a long time, and will pop into your head when you least want them.
 
:gopray: I will pray for clarity, direction and understanding.

I know God doesn’t want you confused it says in his word that God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33) I don’t mean to sound like the older brother but you must realize that you are to young to define yourself. So many things are happening to you and your body right now. It is way to early to label yourself. Like others have said nurture the relationships with the girls. I would also suggest you stop tormenting yourself by flirting. You are only hurting yourself and throwing your self into confusion. Please stay strong with your relationship with Christ and His church. There is clarity and peace in Christ. He promised he would be with us through all our struggles and temptations. 1 Corinthians 10:13
“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” Let me end commending you on how strong you are, knowing that you relationship with Christ is more important than any other.
 
I don’t believe that anyone is naturally bisexual. If you are attracted to women, it means that you are heterosexual. Whether it be due to the hormonal surge of your teenage years, or the social/cultural environment around you, you’ve become sexually confused. It’s probably not a hard thing to do nowadays, when every TV show features gay and “bisexual” characters, and even the subway cars (here in New York City) have posters for “queer, bi, transgender, and questioning” youngsters. Even the fact that you and your friends find joking about gay things “hilarious” instead of off-kilter or even repulsive is a sign of the times.

It’s good that you recognize something is wrong. That is more than just your conscience you’re hearing… It is not altogether incorrect to picture the little guardian angel on your right shoulder whispering instructions on how to resist the temptations the little black devil on your left shoulder is shouting and spewing out all day. This is spiritual warfare.

I’m not really in a position to give concrete advice. But this is a critical formative period in your life. You need to act now to protect yourself from mistakes that may haunt you forever.

I suggest you form a network of strong Catholic friends and advisors who will support you. Get a spiritual advisor and meet with him regularly. Spend quality time talking with your father. Go on a spiritual retreat. Continue your relationship with girls – (If you are dissatisfied with modern dating, concentrate your efforts on making the dates more interesting.) Above all, stop joking about these things with your friends. If they refuse to stop, then decrease the amount of time you are around them and focus on other friends. Don’t look at pornography, ever.

Here are some resources you might find useful:
 
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