Struggling with crossdressing

[StrugglingGuy81]

Ok folks, this is quite an embarrassing topic for me to discuss, but I think the relative anonymity of the internet will allow me to open up. I am a 30 year old guy, I am a Catholic born and raised and I am also a lifelong crossdresser. I’m here looking for viewpoints and advice, my problem is pretty complex so I’ll try to explain it as succinctly as I can. I apologise in advance for the length of this post!

Basically, ever since very early childhood, I have enjoyed dressing as a woman. Some of my earliest memories, when I was around 3 or 4, are of dressing in my mum’s clothes. This has stayed with me throughout my adult life and I just can’t shake it. It’s so hard to explain to people who don’t have these feelings. I just have extremely strong urges to dress as a woman, I don’t know why, its just always there. When I see girls in cute outfits etc, I don’t have lustful thoughts about them like some guys might, I just yearn to look like them, I long to dress like them. I have a really strong interest in female fashion, makeup and hairstyles. I love to make myself over, try on different outfits and perhaps go for short walks. I know this must sound bizarre to anyone reading this, believe me I feel ridiculous as I type these words!

But this causes me so much heartache, sometimes I feel engulfed in guilt. I promise God and myself I’ll never do it again, throw away my female things and vow that its finished. But gradually the feelings come back stronger and stronger until I succumb again. This is called the ‘urge-purge’ cycle and is very common among guys like me. I hit a real low, then the female feelings build to a crescendo and I give in and dress up. Then the guilt hits again, I feel dirty, like I’m less of a man. I don’t dress often, maybe once every couple months, but I do think about it a lot. I am not gay, I have absolutely no desire to actually become a woman, I don’t do this for sexual gratification. I’m just a normal dude- I love God, I love my family, I enjoy sports, hanging out with friends etc. But every now and then I like to dress as a woman.

I have prayed and prayed to God to help me beat this. He has given me so many blessings in my life and I feel like I’m failing Him constantly. I have no idea why I do this- maybe something happened in the womb, maybe it’s to do with the way I was raised, maybe I’m just wired wrong? I’ve actually given up trying to figure it out, I’ve poured over websites and resources trying to understand it but none of them have a clear answer. All I know is that this is how I am. It’s like a stress release for me, whenever I stop it (which I have done so many times I’ve lost count) I get really down and irritable. The general consensus within the medical community is that crossdressers can’t be ‘cured’, they can merely be helped to control the urges so they don’t become engulfed by it. But it seems they recommend ‘acceptance’ of who you are and embracing it as just something that’s part of you, that’s the only way to be at peace.

There may be a lot of people in the world who think ‘just do what makes you happy, as long as it doesnt hurt others’, but as Catholics I don’t think that’s how we view things. I’ve searched CAF for other threads but none seem to match my situation. I guess I’m just looking for other people’s views on this. It’s easy to get trapped in your own little bubble. I’ve decided I need to reach out and try to get myself together with all this. I just don’t know if I can keep battling and failing anymore. Has anyone any advice? Views? I would be hugely grateful.

And sorry again for the ramble!

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Why not go into the fashion industry?

Sometimes our brains try to make us do crazy and stupid things, where these feelings come from are unknown, as is the why.

Do something more fun like rock climbing, guns, backpacking etc. something outdoorsy, just don’t be this lumberjack.

 

[Leegal]

Ok folks, this is quite an embarrassing topic for me to discuss, but I think the relative anonymity of the internet will allow me to open up. I am a 30 year old guy, I am a Catholic born and raised and I am also a lifelong crossdresser. I’m here looking for viewpoints and advice, my problem is pretty complex so I’ll try to explain it as succinctly as I can. I apologise in advance for the length of this post!

Basically, ever since very early childhood, I have enjoyed dressing as a woman. Some of my earliest memories, when I was around 3 or 4, are of dressing in my mum’s clothes. This has stayed with me throughout my adult life and I just can’t shake it. It’s so hard to explain to people who don’t have these feelings. I just have extremely strong urges to dress as a woman, I don’t know why, its just always there. When I see girls in cute outfits etc, I don’t have lustful thoughts about them like some guys might, I just yearn to look like them, I long to dress like them. I have a really strong interest in female fashion, makeup and hairstyles. I love to make myself over, try on different outfits and perhaps go for short walks. I know this must sound bizarre to anyone reading this, believe me I feel ridiculous as I type these words!

But this causes me so much heartache, sometimes I feel engulfed in guilt. I promise God and myself I’ll never do it again, throw away my female things and vow that its finished. But gradually the feelings come back stronger and stronger until I succumb again. This is called the ‘urge-purge’ cycle and is very common among guys like me. I hit a real low, then the female feelings build to a crescendo and I give in and dress up. Then the guilt hits again, I feel dirty, like I’m less of a man. I don’t dress often, maybe once every couple months, but I do think about it a lot. I am not gay, I have absolutely no desire to actually become a woman, I don’t do this for sexual gratification. I’m just a normal dude- I love God, I love my family, I enjoy sports, hanging out with friends etc. But every now and then I like to dress as a woman.

I have prayed and prayed to God to help me beat this. He has given me so many blessings in my life and I feel like I’m failing Him constantly. I have no idea why I do this- maybe something happened in the womb, maybe it’s to do with the way I was raised, maybe I’m just wired wrong? I’ve actually given up trying to figure it out, I’ve poured over websites and resources trying to understand it but none of them have a clear answer. All I know is that this is how I am. It’s like a stress release for me, whenever I stop it (which I have done so many times I’ve lost count) I get really down and irritable. The general consensus within the medical community is that crossdressers can’t be ‘cured’, they can merely be helped to control the urges so they don’t become engulfed by it. But it seems they recommend ‘acceptance’ of who you are and embracing it as just something that’s part of you, that’s the only way to be at peace.

There may be a lot of people in the world who think ‘just do what makes you happy, as long as it doesnt hurt others’, but as Catholics I don’t think that’s how we view things. I’ve searched CAF for other threads but none seem to match my situation. I guess I’m just looking for other people’s views on this. It’s easy to get trapped in your own little bubble. I’ve decided I need to reach out and try to get myself together with all this. I just don’t know if I can keep battling and failing anymore. Has anyone any advice? Views? I would be hugely grateful.

And sorry again for the ramble!

You have described everything I know about CDing. Most are hertero and it’s a fetish. The cycle of promising and throwing away the clothes does not work, so you might as well stop throwing away the clothes. It is more prevalent in times of stress.

Here’s the problem. If it’s followed up with sexual urges and sexual release, masturbation – then it’s sinful – if you are not married. If married, I would ask if your wife knows and what is her reaction?

I would find a counselor who is a specialist in sexual fetishism, since you want to eliminate the fetish. I actually don’t know if it can be cured but that depends on you and the psychologist.

In an of itself it’s not sinful unless you are aroused in doing this, as I expect is the case. Also, of course, if it leads to the viewing of porn while being dressed as a female. You may want to speak with a priest in addition to getting counseling for the fetish.

If you are dating, and become serious about anyone, you should tell her of the fetish when you feel the time is right which means things might be getting serious. If you are married, I would pray that your wife understands and may incorporate your cding as a form of foreplay.

It would have been more helpful if you had said if you were married or not.

I have a friend who also cdesses, and has for years. He’s fully masculine, a good husband and father, a good provider, good at his job – he just has this fetish. Other than that he’s no different, and is better, than many men I have known. It also has a nature vs. nuture argument, with science coming down on the side of nature.

God Bless.

 

[yellowbird]

I am not gay, I have absolutely no desire to actually become a woman, I don’t do this for sexual gratification. I’m just a normal dude- I love God, I love my family, I enjoy sports, hanging out with friends etc. But every now and then I like to dress as a woman.

I honestly don’t see the harm in it if all of the above is true. But If you are terribly bothered by it, why not go for some counseling with someone who specializes in this problem? Trying to “fix” it by youself has not worked. I think a professional with either help you come to grips with it - or perhaps help you to change?

Here’s a ((hug)). Don’t beat yourself up. We all have our issues. I sit here at my computer, wearing my husband’s big flannel shirt and a pair of “boyfriend” men’s style jeans and it’s totally no big deal. Seems unfair, doesn’t it? They are just clothes.

 

[ethereality]

It sounds like you’re struggling with compulsive behavior, perhaps connected with stress-coping mechanisms. It’s good to resist compulsive, irrational behavior (although liking certain types of clothing is not itself “irrational”; I wish elements of fashion would change in American culture), but I encourage you to “go deeper”, meet with a psychologist, and try to discover the root causes that compel you to do such things. You mention trying on your mother’s clothing as a child; perhaps there is some part of being male that you dislike? Some estrangement from your father? Once we have some idea of what underlies behavior, we can better address it; e.g. coming to terms with one’s body, the limitations of fashion imposed on us by a transitory and passing world, developing better relationships with one’s father, etc.

What I’ve written sounds stilted, but I hope you get the general idea.

 

[StrugglingGuy81]

Thanks for the replies so far guys! All of you have offered really good viewpoints.

I should just clarify my position a little. I am married and have been for 2 years. I never told my wife about these feelings before we wed because I was convinced I would rid myself of them. I now really regret this. I told her about 6 months ago, at first she totally freaked out but after a day or two she settled down and we have discussed the matter many times. My wife is an intelligent and loving woman (who I love more than words can say), she knew enough about the topic to realise I’m not gay and that it doesnt reflect on her in any way, she knows this is my issue. Ideally she wants it all to stop, but she realises that its not quite that simple. We havent discussed it in a while, but I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. We have a good sex life but there is no way she would entertain the idea of me dressing up in the bedroom!!

I must confess that during my teenage years there was a sexual element to my crossdressing. I guess with hormones raging etc, the two became intertwinned. However, that is not the case now. As I moved through my 20’s that side of it has dissipated but I am still left with the desire to dress as a women. It does give me a buzz, no doubt about it. Making myself over and dressing excites me, but its not sexual anymore. As I said though, in every other way I am just a normal guy. People would be shocked if they knew.

I have spoken to a couple of priests about this- one said it sounded fairly harmless, the other said it was a big no no. I have also decided to start some form of counselling and have started the wheels in motion. I would ideally like a Catholic (or at least Christian) counsellor though, someone that appreciates the concept of sin. The childhood influence makes sense to me, I am very close with my mother, and was often surrounded by women. And I guess I have never been comfortable living up to what society expects of as a ‘real man’. It is a compulsion though, which isnt healthy. My dilemma is how best to proceed from here- can I give it up entirely forever, or do I need to accept it but make sure it doesnt control me. My wife is also at the forefront of my thoughts. Its so tough, it really is, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Thanks for the hug yellowbird!

 

[Leegal]

I think you are doing the right thing.

And since you have told your wife, I don’t see the sin and as long as you are not using it outside of, or to substitute for, the marital act.

Consider how lucky you are that your wife seems to have an intelligent understanding of cding. Eventually, it may help to add her to your counseling sessions, if she is of a mind to take part.

The only problem is when it creates problems in other aspects of your life – such as it intereferes with work, marriage and family. Don’t be discouraged.

I’m with the priest who says, in your case, it’s harmless as long as it does not interfere in your marriage and your job.

This is what I know from my friend. I think it made him a better husband and father, though he’s a responsible person by nature. I can’t think of a man who sacrifices more for his family and totally accepts his responsiblities to them. We all have a feminine and masculine nature – obviously men are more masculine and women are more feminine. But, the men who are in touch with the feminine side seem to make good husbands and fathers. I would say he’s a real man and has very masculine aspects and interests – he just happens to cd.

When I was younger, and to some extent still, I shopped mens stores for jeans, workboots and shirts. It was the style and much more accepting for women to dress masculine or androgynously than it is for a man to wear feminine clothing.

God Bless.

 

[Mark_Roberto]

I’m gonna come clean with you and say that while crossdressing is certainly an eccentric activity, I don’t see it as being sinful. Not in the slightest. Yes our society frowns on cross-gender dressing but that is only a societally imposed shame. You are not hurting anyone by doing this. It’s a unique quality that defines your individuality. It’s not going to win you any popularity contests but so what? Are we all supposed to be the same? If it’s part of who you are, do it. I would however advise doing it with some discretion so that you avoid potential backlash from a society that can be less than understanding about this sort of thing.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Here’s a ((hug)). Don’t beat yourself up. We all have our issues. I sit here at my computer, wearing my husband’s big flannel shirt and a pair of “boyfriend” men’s style jeans and it’s totally no big deal. Seems unfair, doesn’t it? They are just clothes.

Also offering a {{{Hug}}}. I regularly buy my work shirts and tee shirts in the men’s department: can’t seem to find women’s flannel shirts these days, and then there’s the time I went shopping for a basic black tee shirt. Couldn’t find one that didn’t have slits up the sleeves to the shoulder, or slits in the neckline intended to reveal my not-exactly-existent cleavage, so I said “Forget this” and stepped over to the men’s department, where I found Just What I Was Looking for,

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Also offering a {{{Hug}}}. I regularly buy my work shirts and tee shirts in the men’s department: can’t seem to find women’s flannel shirts these days, and then there’s the time I went shopping for a basic black tee shirt. Couldn’t find one that didn’t have slits up the sleeves to the shoulder, or slits in the neckline intended to reveal my not-exactly-existent cleavage, so I said “Forget this” and stepped over to the men’s department, where I found Just What I Was Looking for,

That’s not cross dressing, that’s you trying to dress modestly. Cross dressing is dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex for itself. Jeanne d’Arc wasn’t cross dressing in armour, she was simply wearing appropriate “work” clothes

 

[TrueLight]

I have never seen cross dressing on an adult, married, straight, guy (who does not want to change his sex), not linked to a sexual fetish of some sort.

 

[PLeeD]

I have never seen cross dressing on an adult, married, straight, guy (who does not want to change his sex), not linked to a sexual fetish of some sort.

Are you a psychologist, therapist, or something of that sort?

 

[StrugglingGuy81]

Well thanks again for the replies. I genuinely appreciate you folks taking the time out your day to try and help with my problems, so thank you.

The general consensus seems to be that my crossdressing is fairly harmless and not sinful, provided it doesnt lead to sexual sin or interfere with my marriage. I must admit, I am surprised by this, I had fully braced myself to have my sins condemned. I always view myself as a sort of freak, and I guess I expect others to see me like that as well. I certainly didnt come here looking for the green light to continue crossdressing, far from it. I am actually my own harshest critic, for as long as I can remember I have viewed my behaviour as sinful and disgusting. So these viewpoints have been very refreshing indeed. Perhaps I have been looking at things wrongly, perhaps this is just a harmless (although strange!) pastime.

I should say, that a huge element of it for me is sheer escapism. It allows me to escape the pressures of modern day living, the pressures of being a man. As I said, I have never been comfortable with the concept of being a ‘strong man’, sometimes I need to indulge my feminine side. But I also set myself very high moral goals, and when I fail to live up to them in my eyes, which is inevitable, I get so, so down on myself. So perhaps I have self-esteem issues as well. Hopefully speaking to a counsellor and priest will help me work through things.

What is for sure, is that its a very strong part of my personality. I guess my choices are to continue to fight against it (and potentially never find peace) or accept who I am, and try to get to a place where I can be comfortable with it all. But God and my wife are my main priorities.

 

[Debora123]

You have described everything I know about CDing. Most are hertero and it’s a fetish. The cycle of promising and throwing away the clothes does not work, so you might as well stop throwing away the clothes. It is more prevalent in times of stress.

Here’s the problem. If it’s followed up with sexual urges and sexual release, masturbation – then it’s sinful – if you are not married. If married, I would ask if your wife knows and what is her reaction?

I would find a counselor who is a specialist in sexual fetishism, since you want to eliminate the fetish. I actually don’t know if it can be cured but that depends on you and the psychologist.

In an of itself it’s not sinful unless you are aroused in doing this, as I expect is the case. Also, of course, if it leads to the viewing of porn while being dressed as a female. You may want to speak with a priest in addition to getting counseling for the fetish.

If you are dating, and become serious about anyone, you should tell her of the fetish when you feel the time is right which means things might be getting serious. If you are married, I would pray that your wife understands and may incorporate your cding as a form of foreplay.

It would have been more helpful if you had said if you were married or not.

I have a friend who also cdesses, and has for years. He’s fully masculine, a good husband and father, a good provider, good at his job – he just has this fetish. Other than that he’s no different, and is better, than many men I have known. It also has a nature vs. nuture argument, with science coming down on the side of nature.

God Bless.

This.

 

[Leegal]

I have never seen cross dressing on an adult, married, straight, guy (who does not want to change his sex), not linked to a sexual fetish of some sort.

Actually, most cders are fully hetero males and have no intention of changing their sex as they fully identify as male. We don’t see them because they hide this fetish or underdress which means they wear women’s underwear under their male clothing so that we don’t see it.

The other that you are speaking of is transgenderism or gender identity disorder. It’s entirely different. In those cases, and not the case here, they begin the transition by dressing as the other sex. That’s not crossdressing for them – they are “presenting” – the proper term – in the clothing of the sex that they identify with. It’s different than what he describes.

To the OP, your research on festish should be medical texts from libraries (not the internet) so that you can become as informed as the theapist on this subject. Avoid the confusion, or the definition, of TG and GID. It’s entirely different. Too often, cding is placed within TG and GID, when it’s a fetish for a hetero male.

That’s why the internet is really not a good source for this information.

 

[Leegal]

What is for sure, is that its a very strong part of my personality. I guess my choices are to continue to fight against it (and potentially never find peace) or accept who I am, and try to get to a place where I can be comfortable with it all. But God and my wife are my main priorities.

Don’t be discouraged by your internet research because those sites might have an agenda too and may not be entirely accurate.

So, use your library or ask your therapist for a recommended medical book – or borrow one from him/her when you’ve had some sessions.

A fetish has an etiology – one that can be found and then dealt with.

In the meantime, accept yourself as a man with this fetish who is seeking help with it. God loves you and so does you wife. God gave you the right partner (and you recognized her) so that you can deal with this struggle. We all have these struggles.

God has the answer for you and you will find it. You should pray, as I will for you.

 

[mgreen77]

That’s not crossdressing for them – they are “presenting” – the proper term – in the clothing of the sex that they identify with. It’s different than what he describes

Would it become a sin if a crossdresser or transgender person “presented” in public?

 

[TrueLight]

Actually, most cders are fully hetero males and have no intention of changing their sex as they fully identify as male. We don’t see them because they hide this fetish or underdress which means they wear women’s underwear under their male clothing so that we don’t see it.

The other that you are speaking of is transgenderism or gender identity disorder. It’s entirely different. In those cases, and not the case here, they begin the transition by dressing as the other sex. That’s not crossdressing for them – they are “presenting” – the proper term – in the clothing of the sex that they identify with. It’s different than what he describes.
.

I know the difference. What I meant to convey was, if a straight male, who is not interested in changing his sex, likes to crossdress, his crossdressing is usually tied to some sort of sexual fetish.

No need to ask how I know, but it’s just my quack opinion.

 

[Leegal]

Would it become a sin if a crossdresser or transgender person “presented” in public?

I would say no. I don’t think it’s intrinsicially a sin – only when and if it leads to sin, such as masturbation, sex outside of marriage, porn usage, etc.

 

[TrueLight]

What is for sure, is that its a very strong part of my personality. I guess my choices are to continue to fight against it (and potentially never find peace) or accept who I am, and try to get to a place where I can be comfortable with it all. But God and my wife are my main priorities.

I’m glad no one is condemning you. We should not be condemning our brothers and sisters.

But to be honest, I do not understand why the responses given here are along the lines, of it’s fine - don’t worry about it.

Deuteronomy 22: 5: "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this. "

It may be something that you cannot help, which would reduce culpability, but I definitely think you should get counseling.