L
Leegal
Guest
I don’t see the sin.
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O
OraLabora
Guest
I have a hard time seeing this through the lens of sin. I see it rather through the lens of disorder. The disorder can lead to sin, but the degree of culpability of that sin is greatly impacted by the disorder aspect, and the fact that this is an extremely difficult urge to control; that in itself diminishes the element of consent; full knowledge seems to be lacking too, as the Church doesn’t really have anything clear to say about it other than if it leads to sexual gratification. Moreover it can be part of a gender identity issue. Gender identity is on a spectrum, it is not a black-and-white, either-or proposition. The OP may be unsure of his gender identity; a clue is that this behaviour started well before the age of puberty and awareness of such a thing as sexuality.
He shouldn’t feel guilty about his disorder any more than a person with an illness should feel guilty about their illness.
What he does need though, is competent professional care, and I don’t think that CAF is the place for that.
He needs reassurance from us though, that God is on his side, and loves him just the same, and even if he has repeatedly tried to modify the disordered behaviour but has failed, God will recognize the effort and shower him with grace and mercy. It’s important to avoid the sin of despair, which is even worse than the sin of cross-dressing, if indeed cross-dressing were to be a sin!
He shouldn’t feel guilty about his disorder any more than a person with an illness should feel guilty about their illness.
What he does need though, is competent professional care, and I don’t think that CAF is the place for that.
He needs reassurance from us though, that God is on his side, and loves him just the same, and even if he has repeatedly tried to modify the disordered behaviour but has failed, God will recognize the effort and shower him with grace and mercy. It’s important to avoid the sin of despair, which is even worse than the sin of cross-dressing, if indeed cross-dressing were to be a sin!
T
thistle
Guest
D-R Bible, Haydock Commentary:Yes, the Deuteronomic Code is archaic and not binding on Christians, or the vast majority of modern day Jews for that matter. I realize that when the topic of crossdressing comes up, it is common to see Deut 22:5 quoted. However, such proof-texting takes the verse out of its Biblical and theological context and has no validity.
As for the OP, his persistent discomfort with crossdressing is reason enough to seek help from an experienced counselor.
Ver. 5. God. Some take this literally, as the contrary practice is contrary to decency, and might be attended with very pernicious consequences. All know what noise was occasioned by the action of Clodius, who put on women’s apparel, that he might be present with the Roman ladies at the feast of the good goddess. Yet others think that Moses here forbids some superstitious practice. St. Ambrose (ep. 69,) remarks, that in some of the mysteries of the idols, it was requisite for those present to change clothes in this manner, sacrum putatur. Lucian testifies, that men put on women’s clothes at the feasts of Bacchus. They did the like in those of Venus, while the women took men’s clothes in the festivals of Mars. (Jul. Hirmic. c. 4.) (Maimonides) — In the East, people honoured the moon, to which they attributed both sexes, and Venus in like manner. Josephus ([Antiquities,?] iv. 8,) believes that women are here prohibited to engage in warfare. Hebrew, “the vessels (armour) of man shall not be upon a woman.” Semiramis gained a great name by her martial exploits, and commanded all her subjects to dress like herself. (Justin., i) — The Amazons were likewise very famous in war, and it is said that half the army of Bacchus was composed of women. Alb. Gentil maintains that Moses here condemns an abominable crime, which he did not wish to mention, at which the Book of Wisdom hints, (chap. xiv. 26,) and which St. Paul condemns more explicitly, Romans i. 26. Moses had already denounced death against the perpetrators of it; and surely the manner in which he now speaks, seems to forbid something more than simply putting on the garments of the other sex, for he, &c. (Calmet) — Yet that disorderly conduct deserved to be reprobated in strong terms, (Haydock) when it was not excused by some necessity or proper motive, such as actuated some holy virgins, St. Theodora, &c. (Tirinus)
S
StrugglingGuy81
Guest
Hey guys, I’ve just read through the thread, so many positive and supportive replies! I just want to genuinely thank you all for reaching out to me.
The trend seems to be that crossdressing, in itself, isnt necessarily sinful. But the behaviour that this activity can lead to definitely is. I think this is probably the most accurate way of looking at it. In my case, I think the sins that arise from my crossdressing are lying and neglecting my duties. To be able to crossdress in secret requires a LOT of cover stories, a lot of lies about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. And, if I’m totally honest, when I dwell on crossdressing I tend to put other things on the backburner, if I’m not careful then it could very well take over my thoughts.
I’ve been giving it so much thought. On the back of the responses to my thread I decided to open up to my wife again, we hadn’t discussed it for a while. I asked how she felt about things. Her feelings on the matter have hardened considerably. She simply can’t stand the idea of me doing it, won’t stand for any sneaking around and she has made it quite clear that if I do it again then our marraige is over. These words killed me, the thought of losing her brings more pain than I can describe.
So I guess that’s it. I’m in a pretty awful position but I think suppressing my crossdressing desires is the only option open to me. I have arranged counselling and should begin that in a month or so. I have to focus on my faith and serving God and my family. We all have our cross to bear, perhaps this is mine. Maybe by struggling against this behaviour I will draw closer to God, maybe it’s how He wants to lead me to Him?
Anyway, please pray for me and I thank you all again for your advice.
The trend seems to be that crossdressing, in itself, isnt necessarily sinful. But the behaviour that this activity can lead to definitely is. I think this is probably the most accurate way of looking at it. In my case, I think the sins that arise from my crossdressing are lying and neglecting my duties. To be able to crossdress in secret requires a LOT of cover stories, a lot of lies about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. And, if I’m totally honest, when I dwell on crossdressing I tend to put other things on the backburner, if I’m not careful then it could very well take over my thoughts.
I’ve been giving it so much thought. On the back of the responses to my thread I decided to open up to my wife again, we hadn’t discussed it for a while. I asked how she felt about things. Her feelings on the matter have hardened considerably. She simply can’t stand the idea of me doing it, won’t stand for any sneaking around and she has made it quite clear that if I do it again then our marraige is over. These words killed me, the thought of losing her brings more pain than I can describe.
So I guess that’s it. I’m in a pretty awful position but I think suppressing my crossdressing desires is the only option open to me. I have arranged counselling and should begin that in a month or so. I have to focus on my faith and serving God and my family. We all have our cross to bear, perhaps this is mine. Maybe by struggling against this behaviour I will draw closer to God, maybe it’s how He wants to lead me to Him?
Anyway, please pray for me and I thank you all again for your advice.
L
Leegal
Guest
I will pray and pray that your wife gives you some time to heal and opens her heart to you. I will pray that you can find recovery. I understand how destructive lying and sneaking around is – both for you and the marriage, and as she sees it. Women fear this because they think it means they they are not enough, or it means that the man wants to cheat. They see it as a threat.Hey guys, I’ve just read through the thread, so many positive and supportive replies! I just want to genuinely thank you all for reaching out to me.
The trend seems to be that crossdressing, in itself, isnt necessarily sinful. But the behaviour that this activity can lead to definitely is. I think this is probably the most accurate way of looking at it. In my case, I think the sins that arise from my crossdressing are lying and neglecting my duties. To be able to crossdress in secret requires a LOT of cover stories, a lot of lies about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. And, if I’m totally honest, when I dwell on crossdressing I tend to put other things on the backburner, if I’m not careful then it could very well take over my thoughts.
I’ve been giving it so much thought. On the back of the responses to my thread I decided to open up to my wife again, we hadn’t discussed it for a while. I asked how she felt about things. Her feelings on the matter have hardened considerably. She simply can’t stand the idea of me doing it, won’t stand for any sneaking around and she has made it quite clear that if I do it again then our marraige is over. These words killed me, the thought of losing her brings more pain than I can describe.
So I guess that’s it. I’m in a pretty awful position but I think suppressing my crossdressing desires is the only option open to me. I have arranged counselling and should begin that in a month or so. I have to focus on my faith and serving God and my family. We all have our cross to bear, perhaps this is mine. Maybe by struggling against this behaviour I will draw closer to God, maybe it’s how He wants to lead me to Him?
Anyway, please pray for me and I thank you all again for your advice.
At some point you might want to invite your wife to counseling so that she understands this better. I think it would help for her to understand your etiology, whatever it is.
Only you know if you can bring this up again. Maybe after you have had a few sessions and have discussed them with her afterward, she might, eventually, want to attend one or two to get a better understanding. If she does not want to discuss it, or hear about the sessions, pray for guidance and help from God.
I will continue to pray for both of you. God Bless.
L
Ladygem
Guest
OP, since you seem to be uncomfortable with your cross dressing habit and said you were interested in women’s fashion, why not consider working in the fashion industry? You could design clothes or hairstyles for women, or you might even want to consider taking the elements you love about women’s clothes (colors, lines, shapes or what have you) and giving them a masculine flair. I’m a women, so I’m biased, but men’s clothes do seem so much more boring than women’s clothes, and there’s nothing wrong with looking to the opposite sex for inspiration, since “men’s wear” style clothing is pretty big for women right now. Most community colleges offer basic sewing class for relatively little money to get you started, and it might be a good way to “get it out of your system.”
M
mgreen77
Guest
It’s a great idea, but… it could also be like a recovering alcoholic getting a job at a brewery. Would it be an outlet to express the passion… or a constant reminder of the temptation?OP, since you seem to be uncomfortable with your cross dressing habit and said you were interested in women’s fashion, why not consider working in the fashion industry?
D
DexUK
Guest
I am sorry that your wife seems so fixed in her opinion. I echo the recommendation that she should accompany you to some of the counselling sessions, because I think it’s very important that she understands the struggle you’re going through and that also such counselling would be good for her as well, since this has clearly upset her view of you.
I’m not too sure about altering your lifestyle to be in greater contact with women’s fashions - it does indeed seem to me to be rubbing salt into a wound: I’d have said that it would act as a taunt to you and you’d be in a state of longing for something you can’t actually have. It doesn’t sound healthy for you.
Definitely share the experience of counselling though. Marriage should be a shared experience and if your wife cannot support you in this, then you have other problems.
I’m not too sure about altering your lifestyle to be in greater contact with women’s fashions - it does indeed seem to me to be rubbing salt into a wound: I’d have said that it would act as a taunt to you and you’d be in a state of longing for something you can’t actually have. It doesn’t sound healthy for you.
Definitely share the experience of counselling though. Marriage should be a shared experience and if your wife cannot support you in this, then you have other problems.
R
Ridgerunner
Guest
It is interesting that society considers a man wearing womens’ attire negatively but ignores it when women wear mens’ attire…to a point, at least.
Why is that? What is the difference?
Well, for one thing it doesn’t seem that women do it for any reason other than convenience. A woman might put on jeans and a man’s shirt to do heavy or messy work. Nobody thinks a thing about that, nor does it make any sense that anyone would. It’s just a convenience.
Why, then, do men do it, and why is it different? Well, I am no expert, and I don’t know. But I have a couple of thoughts about it. First, I think the consensus of opinion is that fetishism (if cross dressing is that) represents a sort of “fixation” one subconsciously associates with some earlier experience. Perhaps one became excited when one was looking at a woman’s shoes or clothing as an impressionable child. One might have progressed from that to becoming excited by the sight of an unclothed woman…but not necessarily. Perhaps the person “arrested” in some manner at the shoe or clothing point and, in a way, just didn’t quite “mature” to what men normally mature to. It certainly may be that cross dressing in men is suspicious because womens’ clothing is, in large part, quite “inconvenient”. One would never put on a dress to go hunting or to clean out the garage. One’s motivation would have to be different from that which we normally associate with cross dressing in women. Fetishism certainly seems a strong possibility to me.
Perhaps a darker possibility is that of narcissism. I am not, for example, a professional cowboy. I do work cattle some, but I certainly don’t need a western hat or cowboy boots to do it. In fact, they’re not very convenient for it. And I certainly don’t need to wear a gun on my hip. Yet, I do sometimes enjoy “cowboying up” (not the pistol, though) to go to the country. Why? Well, it’s kind of mildly narcissistic. I like to think of myself in that role; the ultimate “man’s man”, and wearing the duds sort of puts one in that frame of mind. But it is just a bit narcissistic. I’m admiring myself in a role, and perhaps most importantly, as something I’m not.
And if a man wears womens’ clothing, and keeping in mind that there is zero practical utility in his doing it, is he perhaps “loving himself” “desiring himself”? Is this why women are, it seems, so turned off by it? I can believe in that. Women really don’t like rivals, and if a man is emulating a woman, he is making himself her rival. He is making himself the ostensible object of his own desire, at least in her perception. I can see that as demeaning to a woman; to a spouse particularly, because her own role, and ambition, is to be the object of that desire.
This is, I think, magnified precisely because a good part of womens’ apparel is designed to be attractive in at least a generally sexual way, whereas mens’ clothing is not. Let’s face it. Womens’ clothing is designed to accentuate uniquely female characteristics, and its very inconvenience and lack of utility are the result of that.
So, I guess I have to think of male cross dressing as inescapably problematic…even harmful, to the man and to those with whom he associates.
But is it sinful? It seems so to me, inasmuch as it may represent a refusal to “grow up” into normal male sexuality. It also seems to carry with it an element of self-absorption. And when it negatively affects a spouse or others, it is a distinct, and perhaps serious, failure of charity.
I do think both priestly and professional counsel is indicated.
Why is that? What is the difference?
Well, for one thing it doesn’t seem that women do it for any reason other than convenience. A woman might put on jeans and a man’s shirt to do heavy or messy work. Nobody thinks a thing about that, nor does it make any sense that anyone would. It’s just a convenience.
Why, then, do men do it, and why is it different? Well, I am no expert, and I don’t know. But I have a couple of thoughts about it. First, I think the consensus of opinion is that fetishism (if cross dressing is that) represents a sort of “fixation” one subconsciously associates with some earlier experience. Perhaps one became excited when one was looking at a woman’s shoes or clothing as an impressionable child. One might have progressed from that to becoming excited by the sight of an unclothed woman…but not necessarily. Perhaps the person “arrested” in some manner at the shoe or clothing point and, in a way, just didn’t quite “mature” to what men normally mature to. It certainly may be that cross dressing in men is suspicious because womens’ clothing is, in large part, quite “inconvenient”. One would never put on a dress to go hunting or to clean out the garage. One’s motivation would have to be different from that which we normally associate with cross dressing in women. Fetishism certainly seems a strong possibility to me.
Perhaps a darker possibility is that of narcissism. I am not, for example, a professional cowboy. I do work cattle some, but I certainly don’t need a western hat or cowboy boots to do it. In fact, they’re not very convenient for it. And I certainly don’t need to wear a gun on my hip. Yet, I do sometimes enjoy “cowboying up” (not the pistol, though) to go to the country. Why? Well, it’s kind of mildly narcissistic. I like to think of myself in that role; the ultimate “man’s man”, and wearing the duds sort of puts one in that frame of mind. But it is just a bit narcissistic. I’m admiring myself in a role, and perhaps most importantly, as something I’m not.
And if a man wears womens’ clothing, and keeping in mind that there is zero practical utility in his doing it, is he perhaps “loving himself” “desiring himself”? Is this why women are, it seems, so turned off by it? I can believe in that. Women really don’t like rivals, and if a man is emulating a woman, he is making himself her rival. He is making himself the ostensible object of his own desire, at least in her perception. I can see that as demeaning to a woman; to a spouse particularly, because her own role, and ambition, is to be the object of that desire.
This is, I think, magnified precisely because a good part of womens’ apparel is designed to be attractive in at least a generally sexual way, whereas mens’ clothing is not. Let’s face it. Womens’ clothing is designed to accentuate uniquely female characteristics, and its very inconvenience and lack of utility are the result of that.
So, I guess I have to think of male cross dressing as inescapably problematic…even harmful, to the man and to those with whom he associates.
But is it sinful? It seems so to me, inasmuch as it may represent a refusal to “grow up” into normal male sexuality. It also seems to carry with it an element of self-absorption. And when it negatively affects a spouse or others, it is a distinct, and perhaps serious, failure of charity.
I do think both priestly and professional counsel is indicated.
L
Leegal
Guest
Agree. I hesitated to mention this. This is not like stopping cigarettes. Stopping cding cold can lead to other problems (never works) so it’s important to be realistic about this condition, especially his etiology.Definitely share the experience of counselling though. Marriage should be a shared experience and if your wife cannot support you in this, then you have other problems.
I hope he finds the right therapist which is why I recommended that he read up as much in medical texts on this topic so as to become totally informed. And interview more than one therapist. I think it’s important, that whatever the etiology of his compulsion is, that his wife not automatically assume that is a matter of just cutting off the behavior or cutting off the marriage. It’s not that simple. However, it may not be that ominous. Afterall, he’s had experience with cding and this is all new to her so her reaction is that she has not had the time or experience to understand and absorb all. It does not necessarily mean the demise of the marriage as she gets up to speed.
If it’s some coping mechanism or attachment, throwing away the clothes and just stopping may cause more harm.
This article focuses on solution-based therapy, but the wife is a part of the therapy. It may or may not be what the OP is looking for. I would also be concerned that the vows you took also included in “good times and bad, in sickness and in health” … because the solution may require cooperation on her part.
OP, please read the link; especially the “Miracle Questions/Exceptions” section. I know the title sounds odd, but it is a therapy that is solution oriented and to remind you how things can be (and have been) different and gives hope to realistic living as the exception to cding. It’s goal oriented.
Solution Based Therapy
M
mgreen77
Guest
Not a helpful reaction from her, but probably a common initial one. And just as one goes through stages of grief, her feelings and approach may change with time. Have patience with her, allow her to “grieve” the loss of an image she had of her husband.We should pray that she opens her heart to understanding this compulsion rather than issuing an ultimatum which may not be realistic or helpful.
But I also agree, this is a problem that needs to remain within the marriage, not something you’re abandoned to deal with alone. It may make her uncomfortable, but nevertheless you ARE hurting, both spiritually and emotionally, and the two of you need to eventually work through it, wherever that leads.
And I second (third… fourth lol?) the idea of finding a professional therapist who’s experienced in these things. Just be careful to find someone whom you’re comfortable with, who helps YOU find your own answers, rather than providing them for you.
L
Leegal
Guest
I have a friend and I asked him about his cding. He’s Scots/Irish, hence the reference later on to wearing a kilt. These are his thoughts. I’d add his wife has 4 horses that he supports and boards, which is their compromise. I realize that not everything applies to every situation, but some of this might be helpful.
**1. Did you tell your wife before you married? **
No I did not mention that I enjoyed dressing. I did ask to wear one of her panties one night and by the way she took them off and handed them to me I knew that I should change my mind about it. She suggested that I wear pantyhose in the winter under my jeans so I would stay warm (he works outside)…hey that was right up my alley so I had fun doing that. She purchased some real nice satin lingerie from Victoria’s Secret that I loved touching…she bought me a dozen pair of plain satin panties for Christmas…she did not have a problem with that…
She did have a problem if the panties had lace or a little bow on them…so plain panties were ok they could not look really girly. She really became aware when I asked if I could have a garter belt…that’s when she figured out that I was into crossdressing…she accepted the idea but did not want to see me dressed up in that.
2. Did she find out later? How long after you married? Did you tell her later or did she find out?
I think I explained that above…she found some crossdressing publications and then that is when she wanted us to go see a shrink…we both found out that what is ever acceptable to each other is ok…so I was able to keep my things but not to wear them when she was around. She would also take the kids to the zoo or to the movies and let me know that I would have time at home to dress up…she would often buy me things too.
3. Her initial reaction? Was she hard line on this initially?
She was ok with it but was really afraid that I was gay…which I am not.
4. Did you think marriage would cure the cding at any time?
No in fact it was fun going shopping together…that was a rush…seeing what she would pick out for me to wear.
5. Does the need come and go with irregularity, especially when you fully presented?
The urge to dress comes and goes…times of stress seem to bring it on. I’m not sure what you mean by fully presented. I did go out fully dressed to a few CD friendly clubs and it was fun but the guys hitting on me really creeped me out.
6. What happens if one tries to “just stop?” I mean what other stress does trying to just stop create?
I know that there are lots of guys who say they quit or purge and get rid of all their stuff only to fall back into it by buying a pair of pantyhose or panties.
7. Did you lie to her your wife as in using tactics of purging while keeping a secret stash?
I have never had to get rid of my things…I keep my stuff in the basement out of sight. When my wife wanted to buy another horse…I was able to buy an outfit…what makes her happy is good and she knows I have things that make me happy. I guess if she told me to get rid of my things she know that she would have to get rid of the things that make her happy…I’m not crazy about horses and she knows that. So it’s like the Cold War…mutual self destruction enables everyone to have what they enjoy.
I think what wives need to know that it’s just clothes…and women are able to dress in anything and it is acceptable…But men are supposed to wear men’s clothes…Think of all the times in movies the couple wakes up and the guy is wearing the PJ bottoms and she’s wearing the top part…Look how women’s clothes have changed from the 50’s to now…50’s women were not in jeans at the supermarket…they wore dresses… Now a days women wear jeans and boots that men only wore in the 50’s and it now normal… could never understand the double standard…So I rebelled and started wearing kilts.
She might be surprised by the therapist saying that it’s not all that unusual that men like to dress in women’s clothes. What you do in your house is fair game I thought.
If it comes to ending a marriage, the fact that a man dresses up should not be an issue. Marriage is a journey of compromise not dictation…a man should have the opportunity to enjoy what he wants…when he is alone.
**1. Did you tell your wife before you married? **
No I did not mention that I enjoyed dressing. I did ask to wear one of her panties one night and by the way she took them off and handed them to me I knew that I should change my mind about it. She suggested that I wear pantyhose in the winter under my jeans so I would stay warm (he works outside)…hey that was right up my alley so I had fun doing that. She purchased some real nice satin lingerie from Victoria’s Secret that I loved touching…she bought me a dozen pair of plain satin panties for Christmas…she did not have a problem with that…
She did have a problem if the panties had lace or a little bow on them…so plain panties were ok they could not look really girly. She really became aware when I asked if I could have a garter belt…that’s when she figured out that I was into crossdressing…she accepted the idea but did not want to see me dressed up in that.
2. Did she find out later? How long after you married? Did you tell her later or did she find out?
I think I explained that above…she found some crossdressing publications and then that is when she wanted us to go see a shrink…we both found out that what is ever acceptable to each other is ok…so I was able to keep my things but not to wear them when she was around. She would also take the kids to the zoo or to the movies and let me know that I would have time at home to dress up…she would often buy me things too.
3. Her initial reaction? Was she hard line on this initially?
She was ok with it but was really afraid that I was gay…which I am not.
4. Did you think marriage would cure the cding at any time?
No in fact it was fun going shopping together…that was a rush…seeing what she would pick out for me to wear.
5. Does the need come and go with irregularity, especially when you fully presented?
The urge to dress comes and goes…times of stress seem to bring it on. I’m not sure what you mean by fully presented. I did go out fully dressed to a few CD friendly clubs and it was fun but the guys hitting on me really creeped me out.
6. What happens if one tries to “just stop?” I mean what other stress does trying to just stop create?
I know that there are lots of guys who say they quit or purge and get rid of all their stuff only to fall back into it by buying a pair of pantyhose or panties.
7. Did you lie to her your wife as in using tactics of purging while keeping a secret stash?
I have never had to get rid of my things…I keep my stuff in the basement out of sight. When my wife wanted to buy another horse…I was able to buy an outfit…what makes her happy is good and she knows I have things that make me happy. I guess if she told me to get rid of my things she know that she would have to get rid of the things that make her happy…I’m not crazy about horses and she knows that. So it’s like the Cold War…mutual self destruction enables everyone to have what they enjoy.
I think what wives need to know that it’s just clothes…and women are able to dress in anything and it is acceptable…But men are supposed to wear men’s clothes…Think of all the times in movies the couple wakes up and the guy is wearing the PJ bottoms and she’s wearing the top part…Look how women’s clothes have changed from the 50’s to now…50’s women were not in jeans at the supermarket…they wore dresses… Now a days women wear jeans and boots that men only wore in the 50’s and it now normal… could never understand the double standard…So I rebelled and started wearing kilts.
She might be surprised by the therapist saying that it’s not all that unusual that men like to dress in women’s clothes. What you do in your house is fair game I thought.
If it comes to ending a marriage, the fact that a man dresses up should not be an issue. Marriage is a journey of compromise not dictation…a man should have the opportunity to enjoy what he wants…when he is alone.
P
PLeeD
Guest
I also want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread. Almost everything that StrugglingGuy posted could have been written by me. I’ve been on CAF for a while, and always posted to these threads about crossdressing, but never admitted that I am also a crossdresser. I am. In fact, that is the issue that led me to CAF in an attempt to better understand scripture on the subject, and God’s will.
I just want to say one thing to all the anonymous male to female crossdressers out there. Do not go into a marriage keeping this secret! Your potential wife should know in advance. The desire to crossdress doesn’t go away, and it only gets harder to deal with later in marriage and in life.
In my own situation, my wife just informed me that she is moving out. We’ve been married for quite a while. I told her on our second date about my crossdressing. She made it clear that she wouldn’t accept it, but I married her anyway. Now it might all come to and end. I can’t blame her for leaving, but I can’t go on hating myself and trying to fit into her mold for me.
I just want to say one thing to all the anonymous male to female crossdressers out there. Do not go into a marriage keeping this secret! Your potential wife should know in advance. The desire to crossdress doesn’t go away, and it only gets harder to deal with later in marriage and in life.
In my own situation, my wife just informed me that she is moving out. We’ve been married for quite a while. I told her on our second date about my crossdressing. She made it clear that she wouldn’t accept it, but I married her anyway. Now it might all come to and end. I can’t blame her for leaving, but I can’t go on hating myself and trying to fit into her mold for me.
L
Leegal
Guest
I am sorry to hear about her moving out, but possibly if she’s amenable to counseling with you, she won’t find that this needs to be the end of the marriage. It’s also not so unheard of, it is only unheard of because men have to hide it. It should not be a deal breaker, especially if she understands that men in stress use this as a form of relief from the everyday expectations and pressures placed upon “being a man.”I also want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread. Almost everything that StrugglingGuy posted could have been written by me. I’ve been on CAF for a while, and always posted to these threads about crossdressing, but never admitted that I am also a crossdresser. I am. In fact, that is the issue that led me to CAF in an attempt to better understand scripture on the subject, and God’s will.
I just want to say one thing to all the anonymous male to female crossdressers out there. Do not go into a marriage keeping this secret! Your potential wife should know in advance. The desire to crossdress doesn’t go away, and it only gets harder to deal with later in marriage and in life.
In my own situation, my wife just informed me that she is moving out. We’ve been married for quite a while. I told her on our second date about my crossdressing. She made it clear that she wouldn’t accept it, but I married her anyway. Now it might all come to and end. I can’t blame her for leaving, but I can’t go on hating myself and trying to fit into her mold for me.
I liked what my friend answered in reply to my questions: that marriage is a journey of compromise.
You did the right thing; you told her before marriage. My friend did not but it worked out to the best that they could work it and they have been married more than 20 years.
I will pray for a successful resolution that includes a reconciliation.
S
StrugglingGuy81
Guest
Thanks so much for posting what your friend had to say Leegal, his wife sounds very supportive, he’s a lucky guy.
And what a brave, brave post by PLeeD. Thank you so much for sharing, as I said to you by PM its always nice to hear from another Christian guy who is struggling with the exact same issues. I’m sorry to hear of the problems with your wife, I sincerely hope you can sort things out.
I guess I have been thinking about this lots recently, and I’ve actually got myself quite anxious over it all. As I mentioned before, my desire to crossdress comes in waves- sometimes its all I can think about, sometimes I can go weeks without the thoughts popping into my head. But generally I would say I am somewhere in the middle most of the time. Unfortunately, right now I am going through a phase where my urges are quite strong. I have not dressed in a good few months, and I am feeling particularly stressed right now. My wife’s position has made things very tough, but I can’t, and don’t, blame her in the slightest. She is everything to me, and supports me in all of my endeavors, she really is awesome. I can’t blame her for taking a very dim view of all this.
But I really don’t know where this leaves me. If I were to go against her wishes and crossdress in secret the guilt would kill me, plus she knows me inside out, she can read me like a book. But on the other hand I am really struggling with the urge to dress as a woman. Man, this sucks!
And what a brave, brave post by PLeeD. Thank you so much for sharing, as I said to you by PM its always nice to hear from another Christian guy who is struggling with the exact same issues. I’m sorry to hear of the problems with your wife, I sincerely hope you can sort things out.
I guess I have been thinking about this lots recently, and I’ve actually got myself quite anxious over it all. As I mentioned before, my desire to crossdress comes in waves- sometimes its all I can think about, sometimes I can go weeks without the thoughts popping into my head. But generally I would say I am somewhere in the middle most of the time. Unfortunately, right now I am going through a phase where my urges are quite strong. I have not dressed in a good few months, and I am feeling particularly stressed right now. My wife’s position has made things very tough, but I can’t, and don’t, blame her in the slightest. She is everything to me, and supports me in all of my endeavors, she really is awesome. I can’t blame her for taking a very dim view of all this.
But I really don’t know where this leaves me. If I were to go against her wishes and crossdress in secret the guilt would kill me, plus she knows me inside out, she can read me like a book. But on the other hand I am really struggling with the urge to dress as a woman. Man, this sucks!
L
Leegal
Guest
For PleeD and Stuggling Guy:
**Lord, help us to remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us.
To work that love into practical things so nothing can divide us.
I ask for words both kind and loving, and for hearts always ready to ask forgiveness as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, I put our marriage into Your hands.
Through Christ, Our Lord.
Amen. **
**Lord, help us to remember when we first met and the strong love that grew between us.
To work that love into practical things so nothing can divide us.
I ask for words both kind and loving, and for hearts always ready to ask forgiveness as well as to forgive.
Dear Lord, I put our marriage into Your hands.
Through Christ, Our Lord.
Amen. **
L
Leegal
Guest
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Through Christ, Our Lord.
Amen.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Through Christ, Our Lord.
Amen.
L
Leegal
Guest
Just throwing this out – can you get an appointment with a counselor/therapist sooner than a month? (I suggest this because you may have to shop for the right therapist too, so seeing more than one is like interviewing them). And, how amenable is your wife to going with you to some of the sessions?But I really don’t know where this leaves me. If I were to go against her wishes and crossdress in secret the guilt would kill me, plus she knows me inside out, she can read me like a book. But on the other hand I am really struggling with the urge to dress as a woman. Man, this sucks!
Women fear cding.
If she’s not open to a discussion now, (and you know her, I do not) don’t create the added pressure of an argument now, but you should see a therapist sooner rather than in a month. Once you begin going, and the sooner the better, she might be curious enough to want to attend some sessions.
R
running_man
Guest
I read your posting several times, because I’m in your shoes (stilettos). I, too, am trying to make sense of it. I just purged all of my feminine clothing last month. I already regret it. God has blessed me more than I can put into words. I pray I’m not thumbing my nose at the Almighty because I’ll eventually go back. My marriage ended five years ago. My ex-wife was committing adultery, but my crossdressing wasn’t the reason. Although she claims she always ‘knew’, I’m sure she used it as rationale to cheat. The counseling my ex and I went to didn’t help. My ex-wife was more concerned with money and status then the marriage. I never remarried and lead a solitary life. I’ll pray for you brother. There is no easy answer. This post probably doesn’t answer any of your questions and I’m sorry. I came to this site for the same reasons you did, because I have the desire to please God in my actions and walk the path of righteousness. I waver between what I do harms no one and my crossdressing displeases God. Perhaps you’re right, this is the cross that we must bear.
P
PLeeD
Guest
I think some people must have prayed for me after my last post. My wife didn’t leave and we aren’t doing too bad. I did have to assure her that I wouldn’t dress up any more “for now”, but made it clear that I am in no way promising never to do it again.
More and more of our family have learned that I am a crossdresser, and don’t treat me any differently. I think it was keeping a secret and fear that people would find out that was causing the most stress for her. Now that others know, and she can talk about if she needs to, she seems a lot happier.
I’m still hoping she will become accepting someday. I’m trying to stay open to the idea that maybe I do need to stop.
At least the situation is bearable for now and we are still together. Thanks for your prayers .
More and more of our family have learned that I am a crossdresser, and don’t treat me any differently. I think it was keeping a secret and fear that people would find out that was causing the most stress for her. Now that others know, and she can talk about if she needs to, she seems a lot happier.
I’m still hoping she will become accepting someday. I’m trying to stay open to the idea that maybe I do need to stop.
At least the situation is bearable for now and we are still together. Thanks for your prayers .
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