Struggling with crossdressing

[TarkanAttila]

According to Peggy Frye, crossdressing was associated with the pagan practises of the time.

In light of the New Testament I’d still avoid practising it among other Christians** if it gives the air of being an atheist/secular** (the way being openly gay would for most).

As long as it’s little more than a compulsion you engage in because it excites you, though, it’s not terribly harmful. But, like all things which can be done in excess, it should be checked in case it begins causing other problems - personal, familial, societal, or otherwise.

In other words, you sound like you are being rather much too scrupulous at this point. Take it easy, man, and just keep it in check. And don’t scandalise other, less understanding Christians over the issue. Otherwise, you don’t seem symptomatic of any other problems (unless you’d like to tell us more, but a priest might be more appropriate for that).

 

[johnnyjones]

Yet if a female desired to wear a cup there could be different responses on this thread.

 

[PLeeD]

Not sure what point you are making with the cup thing?

Would people say it’s a sin for a woman to wear a cup? Are you saying she would be made fun of? Or are you saying no one would care about that?

Thing is, I see women presenting an overtly masculine appearance every day. I work with some. I’m not talking about dressing comfortably in jeans and a tee shirt. I’m talking men’s jeans, shirts, hairstyles, glasses, boots… everything. No one makes an issue of it. People obviously notice it, but it’s not considered a problem.

If a man showed up wearing Capri pants, sandals, and a loose fitting blouse, he would be absolutely ridiculed. Those things are all comfortable. There is nothing overtly feminine about them. But the absence of overt masculinity would be rejected if a man wears those things.

Guess I just don’t think it’s right to judge someone as a sinner by what they are wearing, even if it contradicts gender stereotypes, as long as what they are wearing is modest.

 

[TarkanAttila]

We’d have more of a problem with women wearing men’s clothes if we had more of a problem with women trying to be like men. We need both real men and real women.

 

[Faith1960]

I honestly don’t see the harm in it if all of the above is true. But If you are terribly bothered by it, why not go for some counseling with someone who specializes in this problem? Trying to “fix” it by youself has not worked. I think a professional with either help you come to grips with it - or perhaps help you to change?

Here’s a ((hug)). Don’t beat yourself up. We all have our issues. I sit here at my computer, wearing my husband’s big flannel shirt and a pair of “boyfriend” men’s style jeans and it’s totally no big deal. Seems unfair, doesn’t it? They are just clothes.

Sometimes I wear my husbands shirts, too, and wonder why it’s acceptable for women but not for men?

 

[pbecke]

It seems to me, Struggling Guy81, that your dissatisfaction is healthy and well-founded.

Almost all of us are built to virtually precisely the same specifications, physically, and when we see, as we cannot avoid doing today, the whole panoply of sexual deviancies being touted as the ‘new normal’ - and very jealously and militantly so - I expect it sometimes leads to some confusion, particularly, perhaps, for people of younger generations.

But I think the instinct that tells us that something is, in itself, morally ugly, irrespective of perceived likely consequences, is a sound one, and of much more seminal importance to our self-image and Christian development than might seem immediately apparent.

There is a commandment in the Mosaic Law that a kid should not be seethed in its mother’s milk. This seemingly footling commandment has apparently caused puzzlement to many people, though it seems to me that the point is that such an action is an offence against moral beauty. We speak of ‘the milk of human kindness’ don’t we? And in the US, also ‘Mom and apple pie’ - though, perhaps ‘apple pie’ doesn’t quite have the symbolic force of ‘mother’s milk’.

In a way, Yahweh was saying, I know you were born into a world where you are apex predators, and I even command you to kill and sacrifice animals to me, even to conquer foreign peoples, but this has everything to do with your development from a low spiritual base. Nevertheless, most of you do feel for animals and are aware of the eyes of a creature you are skinning, for example, seeming to be staring at you. But as Isiah writes, one day, ‘the leopard shall lie down with the kid’, and, ‘there shall be no harm done on all my holy mountain.’ So the commandment not to seethe a kid in its mother’s milk, is, if you like, a line I’m ‘drawing in the sand’.

I believe your self-esteem as a Christian and as a man, is wrapped up in this view of the need for the precedence of moral beauty over any intrinsically ‘unattractive’ kind of other attraction(!), and stakes out your Christian normalcy.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Sometimes I wear my husbands shirts, too, and wonder why it’s acceptable for women but not for men?

Misogyny and misandry

Women now have all the same rights and privileges as men, but the expectations and other privileges they have have not equalized. Men in some ways have always had more demanded of them while simultaneously their lives are worth less than those of women. Also notice the difference in the amount of people who panic over gays, but not lesbians.

 

[pbecke]

The thing is, StrugglingGuy81, we must always bear in mind, at the forefront of our mind, that our true nature is in Christ.

In a sense, with God’s grace, we are creating our own essence as members of the Mystical Body of Christ, when we identify with the good and the true, the noble, the morally beautiful; and conversely, at best, we are marring, inhibiting that process, in favour of creating another all together sadder kind of personality for ourselves.

In other words, while something might be attractive to our senses, in itself, we should feel a far deeper attraction to a moral beauty countervailing against it in an applicable, overall context.

To use another example, one would have to be blind, not to notice that some people of one’s own sex are more physically attractive than others, but that need not involve any degree of sexual attraction, but rather the contrary. The more one loves such people, family members or friends, the more hideous the idea of sexual attraction towards them ought to be.

 

[running_man]

PLeeD, I’m glad to hear that your wife hasn’t left and is giving the marriage a chance. I hope I’m not jinxing you when I say that stopping crossdressing is virtually impossible (so say the ‘experts’). I’ve gone months after purging my feminine clothes, only to break down and purchase new. If I could have prayed more or taken a pill to stop I would have. God loves all of His children, even when we sin. Am I sinning when I put on stockings and heels? I don’t know. I sincerely hope your marriage survives. You have my prayers.

 

[PLeeD]

Thanks for the well-wishes.

I have not purged, and I have not committed in any way to never dressing up again. I started renting a storage unit last year in order to have a place to keep my things, and to have a space to use to change for trips to support group meetings, or going out to dinner with friends. All of my things are still there, I just haven’t used any of it in about six months.

It’s sort of comforting just to know that I have that space even if I’ve agreed not to use it for now. It makes it easier to make it through the day, if you know what I mean.

I am fairly settled on the question over whether crossdressing is a sin for me. My conscience is clear that it is not. I honestly believe that Jesus will not judge me negatively for this when I stand before him. If God’s command is to love Him and love our neighbor as ourselves, then I find I am more able fulfill those commands when I am not condemning myself over liking to wear women’s fashions. I have other bigger issues with loving my neighbor that have nothing to do with being a crossdresser!

When I say that my conscience is is clear, and I don’t believe it’s a sin for me, the main reason is that I’ve been able to put away the lustful spirit that can accompany the activity. I think that for most people the lustful spirit is the main point. When I started taking seriously Jesus’ teaching that lusting after a woman is the same as committing adultery with her, I started looking at the other ways that lust had control of me. Rooting that spirit out of my thoughts and actions cleared my conscience.

So now, sexual thoughts or feelings are not part of my crossdressing. If I could not engage in it without that lustful spirit I would feel compelled to commit to never doing it again. As it is, so long as I feel I can be better equipped to love God and love my neighbor while accepting being a crossdresser, than I will feel free to pursue this “hobby”.

I remain open to being led by the Holy Spirit to believe otherwise. But it would have to be an internal change that can only be accomplished by the Spirit.

 

[StrugglingGuy81]

Hi folks, I noticed there had been some recent activity on the thread, its been a few months since I started it so I’ll just give you all a quick update.

Ive been going to counselling, still unsure whether its working or not. Its definitely allowing me to express things I’ve kept hidden for a long, long time which I’ve found helpful. Still praying over this issue daily, still struggling with it daily.

I have to say that I really appreciate the supportive, completely non-judgemental replies. I genuinely mean that. Many of you don’t see crossdressing as a sin (as long as it doesnt control you, and thats the hard part), many of you do see this as sinful but have been totally constructive and sensitive in expressing your thoughts on the matter.

My problem comes in three parts- is this a sin against God? I’m not sure. I used to be 100% certain it was, but perhaps I have been overly scrupulous (something I know myself I can be very guilty of), perhaps this bahaviour, in itself, isnt sinful. I’m still trying to figure this out.

My second issue is whether this is a sin against my wife, and the answer to this is a resounding yes. Her stance has considerably hardened towards this issue and I dont see it ever softening. She has made it completely clear that she never wants it to happen again or we are over. I cant begin to describe how much this would kill me. And I dont want to look inferior as a man in her eyes, I want to be the head of a strong Christian houshold, I want to be a good Christian husband and father, how can my wife look at me in this way if she knows I like to dress as a woman?

BUT, and its a big but, I still have the desires to dress as a woman, these feelings arent going away and I’m not sure they ever will. My councellor doesnt think they will, she says the best I can hope for is controlling them and making peace with who I am, or it will torment me forever. I’m still not sure about this. But what I am sure of is that when I see a pretty girl in a cute outfit I want to look like her, when I’m shopping and see nice dresses and heels I want to try them on, I want to do my make up and nails. I have no idea why, and if you havent experienced these urges then its virtually impossible for me to adequetly describe their power.

I havent dressed in 6 months and I’m feeling the strain, I get irritable and anxious, its not great at all. So to sum up I’m still not much further on with all this, just need to keep working at it and trusting in God’s mercy.

PLeeD, awesome news about you and your wife bud, hang in there!

 

[omidmankooauthr]

I have the answer for you. This problem is solved. the main reason behind the cross dressing is attraction. there is nothing wrong with attractino to the colors , and the variety of fashion, however society has made it wrong by asigning gender roles to the fashions having certain colours, and fluffyness, flowiness. if you lok at ancient outfits, including hebrew kings (men), punjabi bhangra dancers now (men), joesphs colourful coat, and there are many instances to show that people in the past were not so boring, and quite colourful. the punjabi dancers in india are colorful today. look at flowers, and birds, and butterflys, the male in the species is colorful. Anyhow so once you understand how attraction works and what are the consequences of attraction then you will no longer be puzzled about what you are up to. you just like many eople out there whwant toexpress being colourful , free, and beautiful, in a variety of ways. you don’t necessrily wat women clothing, but there is no men’s clothing available that has such beauiful vibrant colours and obviously there are no men’s skirts. so men who want to expres themselves fashionably according to the style that they ant, find themselves not being able to, that is when they turn to women’s clothing, because ti comes close to hat they are looking for. however it is possible that being engaged in trying thiose women’s outfits, then the women’s outfit is what they want, and not the an version of it. this is also explained in the book that I mentino in the website. sagehope.wordpress.com the book is about sexual addciction, but sexual addiction stems from sexual attraction, therfore i the book explains how attraction occurs and how the mind works, both these two points relate directly to your situation. anyhow, if you get the book and read it, if yuo have any questins let me know and I will adress your questions for your specific situation. in the future i could write about cross dressing as a section of another book t be of help topeople. but meanwhile you do have the essential principles written already in that book.

 

[johnnyjones]

Bottom line, I would think God is looking for men to be men and for them to shed any and all effeminate tendencies. This is not to imply removing a mans “female side” when it comes to emotions and expression of thought.

 

[StrugglingGuy81]

Bottom line, I would think God is looking for men to be men and for them to shed any and all effeminate tendencies. This is not to imply removing a mans “female side” when it comes to emotions and expression of thought.

You know what, you are absolutely right.

Since posting the other day I have been giving my whole situation more thought, I have been reading through all the replies on this thread again and trying to look at things dispassionately. I seem to be seeing things with a little more clarity. I started crossdressing at the age of 3 or 4, it is one of my earliest memories. But even then I knew it wasnt ‘right’. I felt ashamed, I tried to hide clothes from my mother, I didnt want to be caught. So even at that very young age my sense of right and wrong was such that I intrinsically knew I shouldnt be doing this, this bahaviour wasnt ‘natural’. At that age it was all very innocent, but as I grew older it has snowballed into something which I feel is deeply unhealthy for me.

For me crossdressing isnt just about wanting to be comfortable or to try new fashions, it is about completely making myself over as a woman, it is about presenting and acting like a female in public. Its not just a hobby, its behaviour that cuts right to the core of who I am as a man and as a person. It raises all sorts of questions about my identity and sexuality that are very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. Perhaps crossdressing in itself isnt sinful (although I remain to be convinced) but it can certainly lead to sinful bevaviour and thats the big problem.

I am only speaking of my own situation here, every crossdresser has their own issues, their own background and motivations. I am absolutely NOT judging anyone else. But for me, when my head is caught up in this fantasy, then everything else gets shunted. When I am thinking about crossdressing then God gets put on the backburner, my prayer life is affected, my spiritual life is forgotten about. My work role and family role is also affected as I dream of womens clothes instead of focusing on my duties. I am being completely honest here, this is how it is, it dominates my thoughts. It has held me back for so long, professionally and spiritually. Its almost as if I instinctively know that my crossdressing and my life as a Christian family man are not compatable, so its one or the other, you cant serve two masters. Also, in order for me to crossdress I will need to lie to my wife to cover my tracks- a sin as well.

No, this isnt for me, I know I will never be able to accept this so I must fight against it. Its my cross to bear, God has given me so many blessings, I need to repay Him.

 

[johnnyjones]

You know what, you are absolutely right.

Since posting the other day I have been giving my whole situation more thought, I have been reading through all the replies on this thread again and trying to look at things dispassionately. I seem to be seeing things with a little more clarity. I started crossdressing at the age of 3 or 4, it is one of my earliest memories. But even then I knew it wasnt ‘right’. I felt ashamed, I tried to hide clothes from my mother, I didnt want to be caught. So even at that very young age my sense of right and wrong was such that I intrinsically knew I shouldnt be doing this, this bahaviour wasnt ‘natural’. At that age it was all very innocent, but as I grew older it has snowballed into something which I feel is deeply unhealthy for me.

For me crossdressing isnt just about wanting to be comfortable or to try new fashions, it is about completely making myself over as a woman, it is about presenting and acting like a female in public. Its not just a hobby, its behaviour that cuts right to the core of who I am as a man and as a person. It raises all sorts of questions about my identity and sexuality that are very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. Perhaps crossdressing in itself isnt sinful (although I remain to be convinced) but it can certainly lead to sinful bevaviour and thats the big problem.

I am only speaking of my own situation here, every crossdresser has their own issues, their own background and motivations. I am absolutely NOT judging anyone else. But for me, when my head is caught up in this fantasy, then everything else gets shunted. When I am thinking about crossdressing then God gets put on the backburner, my prayer life is affected, my spiritual life is forgotten about. My work role and family role is also affected as I dream of womens clothes instead of focusing on my duties. I am being completely honest here, this is how it is, it dominates my thoughts. It has held me back for so long, professionally and spiritually. Its almost as if I instinctively know that my crossdressing and my life as a Christian family man are not compatable, so its one or the other, you cant serve two masters. Also, in order for me to crossdress I will need to lie to my wife to cover my tracks- a sin as well.

No, this isnt for me, I know I will never be able to accept this so I must fight against it. Its my cross to bear, God has given me so many blessings, I need to repay Him.

Yes, your cross to bear. I have come to believe much of this society never picks up the cross, let alone carry it. My cross was alcoholism and remains “women”. I think our culture has fostered a “don’t fight it” mentality. Although I unfortunately throw my cross down at times, I know I must be cognitive of attempts to pick it up.

Look at all that plagues us. Drug addictions, fornication, homosexuality, abortion, thievery, and hundreds more. Most of these things are embraced, no crosses necessary. Thats the problem. Yes we all have crosses to carry, and we must bear them, at least try to handle the pain of resistance, for whatever may ale us.

 

[omidmankooauthr]

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssc

You know what, you are absolutely right.

Since posting the other day I have been giving my whole situation more thought, I have been reading through all the replies on this thread again and trying to look at things dispassionately. I seem to be seeing things with a little more clarity. I started crossdressing at the age of 3 or 4, it is one of my earliest memories. But even then I knew it wasnt ‘right’. I felt ashamed, I tried to hide clothes from my mother, I didnt want to be caught. So even at that very young age my sense of right and wrong was such that I intrinsically knew I shouldnt be doing this, this bahaviour wasnt ‘natural’. At that age it was all very innocent, but as I grew older it has snowballed into something which I feel is deeply unhealthy for me.

For me crossdressing isnt just about wanting to be comfortable or to try new fashions, it is about completely making myself over as a woman, it is about presenting and acting like a female in public. Its not just a hobby, its behaviour that cuts right to the core of who I am as a man and as a person. It raises all sorts of questions about my identity and sexuality that are very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. Perhaps crossdressing in itself isnt sinful (although I remain to be convinced) but it can certainly lead to sinful bevaviour and thats the big problem.

I am only speaking of my own situation here, every crossdresser has their own issues, their own background and motivations. I am absolutely NOT judging anyone else. But for me, when my head is caught up in this fantasy, then everything else gets shunted. When I am thinking about crossdressing then God gets put on the backburner, my prayer life is affected, my spiritual life is forgotten about. My work role and family role is also affected as I dream of womens clothes instead of focusing on my duties. I am being completely honest here, this is how it is, it dominates my thoughts. It has held me back for so long, professionally and spiritually. Its almost as if I instinctively know that my crossdressing and my life as a Christian family man are not compatable, so its one or the other, you cant serve two masters. Also, in order for me to crossdress I will need to lie to my wife to cover my tracks- a sin as well.

No, this isnt for me, I know I will never be able to accept this so I must fight against it. Its my cross to bear, God has given me so many blessings, I need to repay Him.

 

[PLeeD]

No, this isnt for me, I know I will never be able to accept this so I must fight against it. Its my cross to bear, God has given me so many blessings, I need to repay Him.

Good luck SG. I hope you are completely successful.

It seems like the key is to not beat oneself up over the desire. Instead to recognize it for what it is, and then find a way to either redirect those desires, or distract from them with other more acceptable activities.

I have a friend in the same predicament as you. Seems like he is still struggling with it after a long time. His wife had always been accepting of it up to the point of being ok with him dressing up around the house with their children present. She recently changed her mind 180 degrees, and it’s been difficult for him.

I have another friend whose wife is completely open to it. There is no issue for them. They go out shopping and travelling together with him dressed up.

Like I said earlier, there will be other crossdressers looking for answers who will find this discussion. I can’t emphasize enough that you need to be careful about entering marriage when you have a desire to crossdress. You should not subject your wife to finding out about it only after you are married. It is not fair to her. The desire doesn’t go away just because you are married. If anything it usually gets worse because you are keeping it secret!

 

[running_man]

SG, thank you. what you wrote really touched me. I too started crossdressing young (6-7) and I also knew it was wrong (don’t dare get caught). I purged last month and already regret doing it. I was on the edge, I was about to buy new clothes. But you’re right, I too have let these desires control me professionally and spiritually. More than I care to admit. I will not let this bring me down anymore. This is my cross and I will carry it.

 

[meltzerboy]

Ok folks, this is quite an embarrassing topic for me to discuss, but I think the relative anonymity of the internet will allow me to open up. I am a 30 year old guy, I am a Catholic born and raised and I am also a lifelong crossdresser. I’m here looking for viewpoints and advice, my problem is pretty complex so I’ll try to explain it as succinctly as I can. I apologise in advance for the length of this post!

Basically, ever since very early childhood, I have enjoyed dressing as a woman. Some of my earliest memories, when I was around 3 or 4, are of dressing in my mum’s clothes. This has stayed with me throughout my adult life and I just can’t shake it. It’s so hard to explain to people who don’t have these feelings. I just have extremely strong urges to dress as a woman, I don’t know why, its just always there. When I see girls in cute outfits etc, I don’t have lustful thoughts about them like some guys might, I just yearn to look like them, I long to dress like them. I have a really strong interest in female fashion, makeup and hairstyles. I love to make myself over, try on different outfits and perhaps go for short walks. I know this must sound bizarre to anyone reading this, believe me I feel ridiculous as I type these words!

But this causes me so much heartache, sometimes I feel engulfed in guilt. I promise God and myself I’ll never do it again, throw away my female things and vow that its finished. But gradually the feelings come back stronger and stronger until I succumb again. This is called the ‘urge-purge’ cycle and is very common among guys like me. I hit a real low, then the female feelings build to a crescendo and I give in and dress up. Then the guilt hits again, I feel dirty, like I’m less of a man. I don’t dress often, maybe once every couple months, but I do think about it a lot. I am not gay, I have absolutely no desire to actually become a woman, I don’t do this for sexual gratification. I’m just a normal dude- I love God, I love my family, I enjoy sports, hanging out with friends etc. But every now and then I like to dress as a woman.

I have prayed and prayed to God to help me beat this. He has given me so many blessings in my life and I feel like I’m failing Him constantly. I have no idea why I do this- maybe something happened in the womb, maybe it’s to do with the way I was raised, maybe I’m just wired wrong? I’ve actually given up trying to figure it out, I’ve poured over websites and resources trying to understand it but none of them have a clear answer. All I know is that this is how I am. It’s like a stress release for me, whenever I stop it (which I have done so many times I’ve lost count) I get really down and irritable. The general consensus within the medical community is that crossdressers can’t be ‘cured’, they can merely be helped to control the urges so they don’t become engulfed by it. But it seems they recommend ‘acceptance’ of who you are and embracing it as just something that’s part of you, that’s the only way to be at peace.

There may be a lot of people in the world who think ‘just do what makes you happy, as long as it doesnt hurt others’, but as Catholics I don’t think that’s how we view things. I’ve searched CAF for other threads but none seem to match my situation. I guess I’m just looking for other people’s views on this. It’s easy to get trapped in your own little bubble. I’ve decided I need to reach out and try to get myself together with all this. I just don’t know if I can keep battling and failing anymore. Has anyone any advice? Views? I would be hugely grateful.

And sorry again for the ramble!

You’ve probably already read about cross-dressing (formerly known as transvestism) and found that it is differentiated by clinical psychologists and psychiatrists from transgenderism and homosexuality. Most cross-dressers are in fact not gay, and even in those instances in which they are, the same-sex attraction may not be correlated to cross-dressing. It is difficult to “cure” any of the paraphilias or fetishes. I would, however, suggest some form of psychological counseling, particularly with a specialist in sexual disorders and dysfunctions. Keep in mind, though, that many sexual conditions are connected to conscious or unconscious emotional conflicts of one sort or another. The purpose of the psychotherapy would, initially, be to discuss the options available to alleviate the stress attached to this behavior, and what the appropriate cognitive-behavioral or psychodynamic treatments for this condition are. The therapy can also be supportive as well as practical: for example, in dealing with possible relationships you may have with women. I don’t know what the Church has to say about this specific situation, which is quite different from both homosexuality and transgenderism, so you might also consider taking the opportunity to discuss this with a priest or Catholic counselor. And, of course, prayer for guidance helps. I wish you the best in your search.

 

[PLeeD]

How do the Jewish view non-sexualized crossdressing? I’ve read that it is completely acceptable during the Purim festival. How does that square with Duet. 22:5?