Struggling with faith - advice needed

[Philomenasmum]

Hello everyone,
In August my husband and I lost our first baby. Long story short, we were advised to terminate as my health and fertility could be compromised, but we obviously didn’t. At 32 weeks my waters broke, I had an emergency c section and my daughter died half an hour later.
I thought I was coping ok. I was angry at first but came to terms with it and started praying again. However things have started going down hill now.
I’ve been in pain since my surgery and all the doctors chalked it up to having surgery on my ovaries, but now they’re saying it’s endometriosis and I’ll struggle to get pregnant.
I’ve stopped going to my usual parish, as there were other pregnant women and they all got to keep their children and I can’t help but feel bitter.
It’s been months of constant testing to determine if her condition was genetic. The test results weren’t conclusive, but they doubt it was, and although I’m grateful l for that, her death was so senseless.
My husband has stopped praying and shows no interest in Catholicism anymore. I’m not sure what to do.
I just feel abandoned by God. I would have done anything to save my daughter and I’m not sure why he gave me this cross (knowing what the repercussions of it were). I continue to pray but my hearts not in it. I don’t know why he would allow this knowing I’d struggle with my faith. That my marriage would struggle. That I will struggle to get pregnant again. It feels like such a kick in the teeth. To let me get pregnant, let my daughter die and then make me struggle with my fertility.
I’m at my wits end and I don’t know what to do to move forward from this. I want to love God the way I did. Not feel forced, out of fear of being punished.
I need some advice please

 

[farronwolf]

I am so sorry for you and your husbands loss. I can’t imagine the pain and doubts that you are experiencing.

Certainly there are others on this forum who have experienced something similar and hopefully they will be able to tell you what got them through their experience.

The only piece of advice I can give is, just take it one day at a time, and try your best to keep yourself and your husbands relationship strong.

God Bless.

 

[Anesti33]

Please find a professional therapist, and take your husband too. You need grief support and you need it soon. Your faltering faith is merely a symptom.

 

[Bluebright]

So sorry for your loss. I know this sounds like something you are going to say no to, but you need to speak to your priest. He will recommend someone to help you, a catholic support group for other bereaved women and couples counselling. He can also tell you alot about why your grief is seeming like an attack from God when it’s not at all.

I had a miscarriage once not as far along as you and I was away from the church at the time with an abusive husband so a very different situation but I now see exactly why it all happened that way and praise God for having allowed me to at least experience pregnancy. I was too old to ever do it again.

It is the devil giving you these bad thoughts about God and dragging you down. You are to fight them and believe no matter what that God is good and there is a purpose in this struggle. God is with you and will never leave you. He is right there with you guiding you and helping you. You need to be surrounded by the church and the sacraments now. Your husband too. You need mass and you need the Eucharist. The further you go from these things the worse you’ll feel. God will heal your heart and lead you to whatever good he has for you even if it’s not what you think. Don’t listen to the devil he is a liar. Go and get some counselling so you can see clearly what your options are and choose a catholic one so you are supported in your faith. You husband will follow you in faith. God bless. I’ll pray for you.

 

[VeryBlessed]

God bless you, what a staggering loss. We lost our first to miscarriage after trying for years. We were older and were afraid we’d never become pregnant again. Such grief! Very difficult for us but of course it pales in comparison to your loss. Our key in resolving it was to choose to give the child to God. A nearby church had a small room they called the room of remembrance. It had a small altar in it and some books where you could write about the child you lost. We went there and on our knees in tears, we gave the child to God. Obviously we had no choice about losing the child, and we acknowledged that in our prayer. But I guess it was our way of saying that as much as we wanted that child, we could accept the fact that our child would be even happier in the arms of Jesus. So we have a baby in heaven waiting for us.

I can’t guarantee this for you of course, but we have three now, all born to us when both of us were over 40. I know you’re hurting beyond comprehension. Run towards Jesus with that hurt… Praying for you both.

 

[EugeneCharles]

I’m really sorry for the loss of you and your husband. This could be hard for you because your child died, though from this, you and your husband are still blessed to have an opportunity to become father and mother, while others never did. We can’t give you the exact reason why God let this thing occur, but He has something better for you. Let us always pray and hope together, that God may perform miracles to your lives like what He did to Sarah, Saint Anne, and Elizabeth, who despite of the impossibilty of bearing a child, have concieved through God’s miracle.

 

[MrsAngelala]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first child, too - and the situation was completely senseless. My husband and I had reversed a permanent method of birth control, and on my side it was only out of obedience to the church. Then I got pregnant, which I had never wanted and still didn’t want but worked very, very hard to accept as God’s will, and then the baby died. I can’t even tell you how confused I was, and the emotional and spiritual pain was stunning. It was unbelievable. Horrific. I only tell you this because I want you to know that when I say I am so sorry for what you’re going through, I can at least sympathize.

I walked away from my experience with a few bits of understanding. First, my daughter is with Jesus in heaven; and what’s more, she never heard, or saw, or thought anything contrary to him; and what’s more, God our Father now has in reality our little Frances who only lived in his imagination for so long, and because she exists in reality, now he also has her love. Second, we opted to forgo genetic testing because our reasons for our decision hadn’t changed just because the child died; also, each combination that makes a child is different, and the genetic failure of one child will likely not be the same as the next. That last part might be important for you. Third, we would have children if God wanted it, genetic conditions or a 39-year-old Type I diabetic mother or whatever else be darned. I didn’t want children, and certainly not after that experience. But I got pregnant again seven months later. Someday we’ll tell the daughter who survived how badly God wanted her, that he was willing to allow so much pain to so many people he loves so that she could know him.

Finally, the only person who will fully understand your pain is Jesus. The only place you can go with this is to God. He didn’t do this to you: it happened, and he was there with you. But your child exists, will always exist, and can never be undone now. She is praying for you, you can pray to and for her, and you must work very hard to get to heaven so you can meet her and know her as a person, not just as blood knows bone.

God is allowing you to struggle because, if you choose to stay with him, it will make your faith stronger. You do have a choice. Hold on with everything you have. I spent a lot of time in adoration. You may find that helps. Do you know how to offer your suffering to Jesus? I’ve found that when I do that, he always, always lightens the burden. Sometimes it takes several minutes, but he does it every time. And he did it every time in the middle of the grief over the first child, too, as intense and confusing as it was. He never failed.

I don’t know what kind of relationships you had at your original parish, but you might think about talking to your former pastor and sharing your concerns with him. At the very least, the bitterness will not be good for you to maintain, and some form of closure may be helpful.

Oh my dear, God really does love you, despite the darkness that presses in on you at the moment. I’m crying for you right now and I will pray for you in adoration tomorrow.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Sorry for your loss, this is a difficult time for both you and your husband !

The only advice I can give is to remember that life is suffering and that no one escapes it.
That being said, the best you can do is to keep faith in God and trust that he’ll bring you through this. Don’t try to force your faith for faith comes from God, not ourselves.

God Bless you and your husband !