Struggling with faith after observing Mothers behavior about their own

[Cardarlinow4]

I need some serious help or advice. I haven’t been to church regularly in a couple years. I’m struggling with my faith. I’m naturally more of a private, introverted person. I don’t like showing off. I can’t stand public prayer (especially if I’m asked to participate) I just prefer a more private relationship with God. I’m not a good “community” person. I prefer to keep to myself. Over the past six months I have been trying to reaffirm my beliefs. But I keep getting stuck. I’m not a fan of my church here. I tried joining a moms group within the church to help me socialize and to meet new ppl. I had been attending that church for seven years and still didn’t know a single parishioner. The moms group didn’t go over well. I stick with it for about 3-4 months but just couldn’t feel interested. And after that time… Still felt lost within the group.

Lately my mother has been pressuring me about my faith. I’m a 30 year old married with children adult (just some background info). My mother wasn’t always deeply religious when I was growing up. My main influences spiritually was my grandmother. Who was vastly different in temperament and personality from my mother.

I have noticed the more my mom dives into her faith the more “self righteous” she becomes. I want her attend mass daily. Listen to how she feels the grace fall upon her. Then I watch her in her daily life which appears completely different. She struggles with vanity and a need for everyone to see her. She takes over other people’s (especially my own) belongings and pushes boundaries. She’s very much in total control of her life, my fathers life. And then tries to take on some control of my life as well. Sometimes I feel she enjoys her catholic faith so much because it makes her feel special. Or gives her some sort of recognition that she is seeking. For example… This past Ash Wednesday i discussed with her my concern over the wearing of ashes and the meaning behind it. I told her that it made me uncomfortable because sometimes (not all) I felt that other people used their ashes as a statement to make themselves feel superior or different from others. And that they got enjoyment from this feeling. I stated that I felt it was wrong to use ashes in this way. And that if I was going to get ashes that I might wash my face after I got home. We went to two different churches that day. My ashes were so light that it didn’t matter if I wash my face or not. And I wasn’t distracted by the symbolism of the mass. When we met up again after church. My mom complained that her ashes didn’t look like a cross. And that they looked like just a smudge. I told her it didn’t matter and that what it looked like wasn’t the point. She was on her way to a bible study and went to the bathroom. When she came out I noticed her ashes were fixed into a perfect cross. I mentioned to her that she fixed them. And quite proudly she said… “Yep!” And out the door she went. This irritated me so much. I don’t like this showy behavior and I’m afraid I’ll end up falling into a trap of behaving this way too. So I’ve shut out just about all she says about church and her faith. My mother also makes decisions that tend to “put out” other people. Almost feels like “taking advantage of a situation”. And does not feel bad about this. When I try to discuss some of her decisions. She will say “I’ve prayed about it. And I feel God has put me here for a reason. I am following him.” Yet “following him” might mean that it comes at another’s expense and greatly improved her quality of life. This doesn’t jive well with me. I think about this and think about what is happening in Syria or just in other parts of the world and can’t imagine that God would continue to give my mother more and more while others are being persecuted or hurt etc. I don’t believe my mothers narrative of what God is doing for her. I do believe a lot of her good fortune or changes in situation has come from the choices she’s made for herself. And that stating or believing it’s gods will makes her feel better or at least not guilty if she’s pushing boundaries with someone. There is more but I am out of time for now. Basically I’m struggling with my relationship with my mother as well as with my faith and I feel it’s connected to each other. Since my mother has become more “faithful” I’ve become more distant in my own. Wanting to seperate myself from behaviors I see that I do not agree with. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[1ke]

Your aversion to groups and public worship seems to go beyond simple introversion. I know many people who are introverts but do not share this issue. Perhaps talk to someone such as a counselor, it could be some sort of social anxiety that can be treated. If you have an overbearing and pushy mother, this certainly could have contributed to social anxiety.

A counselor can also help you establish healthy boundaries and work on your relationship with your mother.

 

[Xantippe]

Over the past six months I have been trying to reaffirm my beliefs. But I keep getting stuck. I’m not a fan of my church here. I tried joining a moms group within the church to help me socialize and to meet new ppl. I had been attending that church for seven years and still didn’t know a single parishioner. The moms group didn’t go over well. I stick with it for about 3-4 months but just couldn’t feel interested. And after that time… Still felt lost within the group.

**That’s normal. Mom’s groups are always hit or miss and it doesn’t really make sense to expect to click with a randomly chosen group of women that just happen to have kids your kids’ age.
**

Lately my mother has been pressuring me about my faith. I’m a 30 year old married with children adult (just some background info). My mother wasn’t always deeply religious when I was growing up. My main influences spiritually was my grandmother. Who was vastly different in temperament and personality from my mother.

**Try saying something like: “I’ll have to talk to my confessor about that, mom” or “Everybody’s got a different spirituality, mom.” **

I have noticed the more my mom dives into her faith the more “self righteous” she becomes. I want her attend mass daily. Listen to how she feels the grace fall upon her. Then I watch her in her daily life which appears completely different. She struggles with vanity and a need for everyone to see her. She takes over other people’s (especially my own) belongings and pushes boundaries. She’s very much in total control of her life, my fathers life. And then tries to take on some control of my life as well.

**This isn’t a new thing for her, is it? Just same song, new verse.

There’s at least one poster on CAF that has somewhat similar mom issues, but hers is Protestant. Hopefully she’ll chime in eventually.**

Sometimes I feel she enjoys her catholic faith so much because it makes her feel special. Or gives her some sort of recognition that she is seeking. For example… This past Ash Wednesday i discussed with her my concern over the wearing of ashes and the meaning behind it. I told her that it made me uncomfortable because sometimes (not all) I felt that other people used their ashes as a statement to make themselves feel superior or different from others. And that they got enjoyment from this feeling. I stated that I felt it was wrong to use ashes in this way. And that if I was going to get ashes that I might wash my face after I got home. We went to two different churches that day.

**Why two churches?

I would suggest you not go to daily Mass with your mom and I’d also suggest being more charitable about the motives of people that leave on ashes on Ash Wednesday just as I’d suggest that they be charitable to you. Ash Wednesday isn’t even a day of obligation, and leaving on or washing off ashes is definitely not a precept of the Church. **

She was on her way to a bible study and went to the bathroom. When she came out I noticed her ashes were fixed into a perfect cross. I mentioned to her that she fixed them. And quite proudly she said… “Yep!” And out the door she went. This irritated me so much. I don’t like this showy behavior and I’m afraid I’ll end up falling into a trap of behaving this way too. So I’ve shut out just about all she says about church and her faith. My mother also makes decisions that tend to “put out” other people. Almost feels like “taking advantage of a situation”. And does not feel bad about this. When I try to discuss some of her decisions. She will say “I’ve prayed about it. And I feel God has put me here for a reason. I am following him.” Yet “following him” might mean that it comes at another’s expense and greatly improved her quality of life. This doesn’t jive well with me. I think about this and think about what is happening in Syria or just in other parts of the world and can’t imagine that God would continue to give my mother more and more while others are being persecuted or hurt etc. I don’t believe my mothers narrative of what God is doing for her. I do believe a lot of her good fortune or changes in situation has come from the choices she’s made for herself. And that stating or believing it’s gods will makes her feel better or at least not guilty if she’s pushing boundaries with someone. There is more but I am out of time for now. Basically I’m struggling with my relationship with my mother as well as with my faith and I feel it’s connected to each other. Since my mother has become more “faithful” I’ve become more distant in my own. Wanting to seperate myself from behaviors I see that I do not agree with. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I think you need less mom time and more therapist time. Not to long-distance diagnose, but you might get something out of this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

I’ve also seen a book entitled “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” recommended a lot on the internet, but I haven’t read it myself. The Amazon ratings are spectacular, though.

You might want to think about monastic spirituality or a third order (the Dominicans or the Franciscans or the Carmelites), as that may be a better fit for you.

Best wishes!

 

[Xantippe]

Your aversion to groups and public worship seems to go beyond simple introversion. I know many people who are introverts but do not share this issue. Perhaps talk to someone such as a counselor, it could be some sort of social anxiety that can be treated. If you have an overbearing and pushy mother, this certainly could have contributed to social anxiety.

A counselor can also help you establish healthy boundaries and work on your relationship with your mother.

Yes! And if you are a SAHM, I think that’s particularly important. Down the road, it could be very costly for your family if you aren’t good at social stuff. Kids need a good example in this area.

Also, your mom is probably way too big a percentage of your current social life and is warping your perception of others (for instance with the ashes thing). I’d spend 5-10 hours with other people for every hour I spend with her.

Best wishes!

 

[pensmama87]

**Your aversion to groups and public worship seems to go beyond simple introversion. I know many people who are introverts but do not share this issue. **Perhaps talk to someone such as a counselor, it could be some sort of social anxiety that can be treated. If you have an overbearing and pushy mother, this certainly could have contributed to social anxiety.

A counselor can also help you establish healthy boundaries and work on your relationship with your mother.

I agree with this. I am an introvert and actually find liturgical worship very well suited to me. I can go, and pray in community with others (which even introverts should enjoy even if it’s not their #1 chosen way to spend time), but I’m not expected to perform and put on a big show of emotion, or to be super intimate with total strangers (which was my experience on the occasions I’ve gone to evangelical worship).

I have suffered from social anxiety and found counseling very helpful. I think you need to rework your relationship with your mom and a good counselor could help you do that. She doesn’t need to be in charge of your life.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Your aversion to groups and public worship seems to go beyond simple introversion. I know many people who are introverts but do not share this issue. Perhaps talk to someone such as a counselor, it could be some sort of social anxiety that can be treated. If you have an overbearing and pushy mother, this certainly could have contributed to social anxiety.

A counselor can also help you establish healthy boundaries and work on your relationship with your mother.

This is pretty good advice. I’m an introvert by nature, but your’s seems to be a much more severe case.

As for your mother, unfortunately, some people do become more self-righteous. They think “I am following God far better than any of -these- people…” It’s a form of pride, and you should pray for her. I wouldn’t let it affect your view of the Church though, after all, we’re not a museum of saints, we’re a hospital for sinners. We welcome everyone, including self-righteous people, and try to bring them closer to Christ.

I would suggest that, rather than paying attention to what your mother is doing, focus on your own journey with Christ. If you see her doing something that bothers you, take note of it. Recognize how it’s affected you and work to make sure that you’re not doing anything like that in your own life. I had a similar tendency, in that I thought I was doing “better” than other people, and looked down on others. After I saw other people doing it, I used it as an example of the behaviors I needed to address in my own life. As it stands, I’m not perfect about it, but I am trying to improve.