Struggling with life

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Thank you I needed this right now again 🙂 I’ll pray for you!
 
I’m not sure if since I likely have been in mortal sin since I stopped practicing if god will even hear my prayers.
God hears ALL prayers including those from sinners, if you are even in mortal sin given that it seems like you are confused rather than having a clear intent to reject God.

I prayed for you especially today. I hope you get the gift of faith in God.
 
Then what I will pray for is for god to show his existence to me and for my faith to increase and my hardened heart towards him to soften.
I think that God has already heard and answered your prayer from the heart, otherwise, you would not have come here!

I think that your heart has already begun to soften. Unfortunately, anxiety and other sufferings can have that effect on people.

Have you considered reading the Gospel of John?
I’m not sure if since I likely have been in mortal sin since I stopped practicing if god will even hear my prayers.
Yes, God always hears your prayers, especially those to be reconciled with him. He has commanded us to bless others, and that is also a prayer that pleases him.
 
I want to simply encourage you to keep pursuing the Truth. A number of examples in the life of St. Edith Stein come to mind (she was martyred in the Holocaust). She was also an atheist but after reading the entire Autobiography I’d St. Teresa of Avila in a single night, she converted. Her response was “This is truth” (i think that is a direct quote). She also said something like “if anyone searches for truth, he searches for Christ, whether he knows it or not.”
You’re heart is open, that is all God asks of us. 🙏
 
You have to understand there has been a century old war between atheists and believers. At least since the 15th century Enlightenment.

Was has probably happened, is that you have been exposed to an overwhelming amount of misleading arguments that are very hard to deconstruct (and that is the personal struggle you are facing now). Those arguments, dear friend, are lies that nevertheless are strong and effective, based on trickery, and rebating them places the effort and work entirely on the side of the believer. But you are not alone, and after rebating those arguments you will be a much more rational and knowledgeable person, with the capacity of a much more accurate critical thinking and a broader view and appreciation of things. Let’s call those arguments “captious sophisms”.

And you are not alone, for most Catholics are faced with those arguments. And the answers do exist and over the centuries some of the finest minds have produced the necessary answers and refutations. Those are usually called “apologetics”.

So you can consider those two opposing and opposed syllabus, or arsenals, “apologetics” on the one side and “captious sophisms” on the other side.

You have thus far, for the most part, only been exposed to “captious sophisms”. High time you get to know some “apologetics” to oppose them. So, take it easy and have a good time. You’ll love it to finally discover some of the answers to the many one-sided arguments you already know.
 
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Belief is not something you choose. It’s the result of the equation as you understand reality. A+B=C. A and B are your accepted facts about reality. “+” and “=” is your understood logic of how reality works. C is just the results of those being applied together. The only way you have a new result/belief/conclusion about understanding reality is to educate yourself to see if the way you apply logic is correct and/or if you are mistaken about what you believe you know about the facts of A and B, for example. Sit in a chair and then choose to believe you are not sitting in a chair. You can’t. You can have beliefs about an idea to varying degrees of certainty, but you can not hold a belief about X and a disbelief about X, on the same topic at the same time. Just like there are no married bachelors. You’re either one or the other, you either believe your you don’t.
Also, since you can not go to your god’s house and see if it’s there or not, it’s up to your god to present you with evidence that you would accept for you to believe it exists and to keep having a conversation with you so that you can have a relationship with it. Since it has either not done this or is choosing to not do this, either way, it’s not your problem since there is nothing you can do to go to it. It can only come into your life apparently. Just like someone from Australia may want a relationship with you but you have no idea they even exist in your world till they show up. It’s up the the Australian to show up and introduce themselves and then you get to see if you want a relationship with them, but you have no doubt that they do exist now.
If you don’t have faith now, that’s just where you are now. Fully explore that, so if and when you move on from that, you can be more grounded in where you go since you fully explored what is was to not have faith. Moving on from that will allow you to understand where you came from and what took you out so that you can be assured of where you are grounded in your faith. Don’t just fake it till everyone else around you believes you are catholic just for social harmony. Pretty sure any deity worth respecting could see through that.
 
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