Struggling with my marriage and faith

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brendawithfaith

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I have been married for 24 years. I would say the last 16 years have not been good a lot of the time. Long story short, my husband is an alcoholic. We have been around and around about this for much of our marriage. He does not deny it. He will promise to stop, and often he does, but at some point starts drinking again. Over all the years of heartbreak, pieces of my love for him have began to fade away to the point that I can say that although I love him I find myself in a miserable place, I have prayed for ever for God to help us. I know my husband is sick. He wont go into treatment. I have learned to do what I can do to try and have a decent life but I can honestly say that there is no joy in my heart. I have given it to God because it is bigger than I can handle, believe me I have tried.
I was at a breaking point the other day and found myself ask God if he was punishing me. I know better then that and I couldn’t believe I had even thought that. All of the sudden I began questioning my faith in general and wondering if God was even there. Why would I have to be going through this for so many years? Well I panicked an ran straight to church a just sat and wept for hours because if I cant believe that God has a plan for me than I just have nothing.
The next day I spoke w/my priest. He told me that I needed to get my husband into rehab. and not be an enabler. But I have tried, and not to enable would be to say" stop drinking or our marriage is over." Well that is not keeping my promise to God and my husband that our marriage is forever. Father also asked my why I stay married to him and talked a little about annulments. I was surprised to say the least.
I went back to speak with the priest a few days later because I honestly heard a voice in my head that said “Go back to ask Father … if my staying in this marriage was pleasing to God.” I always thought that if nothing ever changes God would be pleased that I stuck with it and kept my promise. I now was questioning it after talking to my priest because he said God wants me happy and that my husband needed to do his part. I know that is true but the fact is that he doesn’t.
When I got to the church office Father showed up about 45 minutes late. I knew he was doing a funeral service and I imagined that he was needed there. I happily waited feeling like that voice I heard clear as day may have been from God and I needed to be here. Father finally came and he was DRUNK. Really really Drunk. I wanted to run. He tried to talk to me but made no sense. I am so disheartened by it all. Any insight and pray will be so appreciated.
 
I’ll deal with the easier one first–i.e., the priest.

That is HORRIFYING, and completely inappropriate. That priest needs help, and now. Contact the vicar for clergy and the bishop in your diocese. It’s best to write a letter with as many precise details as possible: the priest’s name and parish assignment, the date and time at which this occurred, that you had made this appointment in advance and yet he still showed up intoxicated and 45 minutes late (you may point out here that he could have been reasonable delayed at a funeral, but that doesn’t excuse the intoxication), that he apparently DROVE (?!?!) while so intoxicated as to be incoherent, etc. Send the letters via certified mail, and hang onto the cards the post office will return to you with the signature of the person who signed for them. If you have not heard back within two weeks, three tops, call both offices. Finally, pray for the priest, who, though he clearly has a serious problem, is also very ill. Do not gossip about this; a priest’s reputation is a serious thing, and public knowledge of such behavior should be a last resort in order to get this man treatment before he kills someone. Alerting his superiors to this situation is not gossip and is necessary. If he is the associate pastor or is in a similar position at his church (ie, has another priest superior to him there) notify this other priest in the same way. *ETA: In fact, if there is another priest at this church at all, superior to him or not, please notify that priest. He is closest to the situation and may be able to take steps sooner than anyone else. * Please write these letters and inform the correct people immediately for the sake of anyone else who may be on the road while this priest is behind the wheel.

Now, as to your husband.

Your marriage, if it was contracted validly, is forever, yes. This does not mean that you can’t take appropriate steps to protect yourself and any children who may be involved. You deserve courtesy and respect in your own home. Telling your husband that he will either enter rehab or stop putting you through the misery and insanity that is living with an alcoholic are not unreasonable expectations. For that matter, separating for a time in order to protect yourself, your children (if any) and your mind and body from alcoholism does not “end” your marriage. Even divorce does not end your marriage except in the eyes of the state. An annulment can only declare, after proper research, that your marriage never happened in the first place. A priest who is not himself in the throws of alcoholism would be the best choice for counsel in such matters. Suffice to say that setting reasonable boundaries and expectations in marriage is not “ending your marriage.”

Leaving aside your own well-being, your tolerance of this behavior is not doing your husband any favors. He knows that he can drink and drink and drink and never suffer any real consequences. He clearly does not care about how this affects you, or he would stop drinking. In these ways, he is behaving like a spoiled teenager rather than a man, and needs to be treated as such with firm boundaries and consequences for poor behavior. If you are unwilling to live with alcoholism, tell him so and set boundaries and consequences, and follow through with them. If you will not, then you are in no small part responsible for your living situation, and can’t blame him for it. You can’t change him; you can only change your reactions to his behavior. If you have children, especially daughters, you are modeling the behavior which they will copy as they grow to adulthood. Do you want them to grow up thinking that it is acceptable for their husbands to treat them so poorly, and to have no consequences for that behavior?

Finally, please consider attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a program almost identical in structure to AA, but for family and friends of alcoholics. Those of us with an alcoholic family member or friend nearly always need help to learn about setting boundaries, appropriate behavior (both our own, and what to expect from others), and how to handle living with alcoholism. It is extremely helpful. You can find local meetings by Googling the name of your city and Al-Anon.

This probably sounds very stern. 🙂 Please bear in mind that the written word does not transmit tone of voice. I have been in a situation similar to yours with a family member, however, and speak from experience. You have my deepest sympathy, and I hope that you can find a better way of living soon. :console:
 
Thank you so much for taking time to talk with me.

First on the subject of the Priest I should let you know he did not drive as the church, offices, hall and his home are all in one place. I just wonder if I should look at this as he was at the reception following the funeral and had too much to drink. Maybe he does have a problem but I do not have any prior experience w/him to know if this is a one time thing. I will definitely consider your advise.

Secondly, yes I can leave my husband in hopes he gets help and set a good example to my daughter of how a women deserves to be treated but then don’t I just end up living away from the alcoholism? How do I find happiness when the man I love doesn’t love me enough to do anything? I guess I am really afraid that for the rest of my life here on earth I may not ever get my joy back. I know God wants my life to be good and he hurts when I hurt but I feel like I am in a no win situation.

Thirdly, thank your for the Al-Anon advise. I actually have gone for several years, not lately though, and it is wonderful and actually taught me to lean on God for help which was new for me.

Thanks again for taking time for me.
 
brendawithfaith said:
First on the subject of the Priest I should let you know he did not drive as the church, offices, hall and his home are all in one place. I just wonder if I should look at this as he was at the reception following the funeral and had too much to drink. Maybe he does have a problem but I do not have any prior experience w/him to know if this is a one time thing. I will definitely consider your advise.
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Please do not go soft on this!! He was *at work *and getting drunk. His ‘boss’ needs to know, and he needs to get help. There is no excuse for this. I think that living with your husband’s drinking all these years has conditioned you to accept such behavior. The priest needs to have his bishop on board with getting him help. Do not avoid this by thinking it’s kind to. The loving thing is to let people know what situation you came to see. It is a scandal to the family who needed him in their time of grief. A scandal for those who witnessed this behavior, especially children who should look up to priests. Take care of the matter, what is in your hands to do. This is why that little ‘voice’ told you to go. Be strong, have courage.
brendawithfaith said:
Secondly, yes I can leave my husband in hopes he gets help and set a good example to my daughter of how a women deserves to be treated but then don’t I just end up living away from the alcoholism? **How do I find happiness when the man I love doesn’t love me enough to do anything? ** I guess I am really afraid that for the rest of my life here on earth I may not ever get my joy back. I know God wants my life to be good and he hurts when I hurt but I feel like I am in a no win situation.

Thirdly, thank your for the Al-Anon advise. I actually have gone for several years, not lately though, and it is wonderful and actually taught me to lean on God for help which was new for me.
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Your happiness needs to be in God, keeping your eyes on Him, and looking for His will in your life. The idea of “if only he would change, I would be happy”. No. Your life is in your hands and you can walk in this life blessing people, at the workplace, in your neighborhood, in your parish, in volunteer work. It’s very comfortable to remain stuck. You make your own choices as he makes his. Have courage! God is your strength. Please attend the Al-Anon meetings and connect with people. Something can change, and it’s in your own heart. God bless and strengthen you.
 
Stay close to God and frequent the Sacraments.
Pray daily.
Run, don’t walk, to an Al-Anon meeting; get a sponsor and work the Steps.

God bless you.
 
This will be hard, and it will require making major changes in your life with the potential of having your life go in a very different direction than you expected.

But consider what you would advise someone else to do in your shoes. Younwould probably see more clearly if it were someone else what the damage is not only to the spouse of the alcoholic and the children, but also to the alcoholic himself.
 
brendawithfaith said:
I have been married for 24 years. I would say the last 16 years have not been good a lot of the time. Long story short, my husband is an alcoholic. We have been around and around about this for much of our marriage. He does not deny it.** He will promise to stop, and often he does, but at some point starts drinking again. ** Over all the years of heartbreak, pieces of my love for him have began to fade away to the point that I can say that although I love him I find myself in a miserable place, I have prayed for ever for God to help us. I know my husband is sick. He wont go into treatment. I have learned to do what I can do to try and have a decent life but I can honestly say that there is no joy in my heart. I have given it to God because it is bigger than I can handle, believe me I have tried.
I was at a breaking point the other day and found myself ask God if he was punishing me. I know better then that and I couldn’t believe I had even thought that. All of the sudden I began questioning my faith in general and wondering if God was even there. Why would I have to be going through this for so many years? Well I panicked an ran straight to church a just sat and wept for hours because if I cant believe that God has a plan for me than I just have nothing.
The next day I spoke w/my priest. He told me that I needed to get my husband into rehab. and not be an enabler. But I have tried, and not to enable would be to say" stop drinking or our marriage is over." Well that is not keeping my promise to God and my husband that our marriage is forever. Father also asked my why I stay married to him and talked a little about annulments. I was surprised to say the least.
I went back to speak with the priest a few days later because I honestly heard a voice in my head that said “Go back to ask Father … if my staying in this marriage was pleasing to God.” I always thought that if nothing ever changes God would be pleased that I stuck with it and kept my promise. I now was questioning it after talking to my priest because he said God wants me happy and that my husband needed to do his part. I know that is true but the fact is that he doesn’t.
When I got to the church office Father showed up about 45 minutes late. I knew he was doing a funeral service and I imagined that he was needed there. I happily waited feeling like that voice I heard clear as day may have been from God and I needed to be here. Father finally came and he was DRUNK. Really really Drunk. I wanted to run. He tried to talk to me but made no sense. I am so disheartened by it all. Any insight and pray will be so appreciated.
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For many alcoholics, to stop drinking for a while, a few days, a week, is relatively easy. The problem is that alcohol is INCREDIBLY physically addictive. It alters your brain chemistry, and changes the way one’s body produces hormones. So, after a while these effects start to kick in and the addict has to face a prolonged (think years) recovery process while their body readjusts, or starts to drink again to regain “normalcy” in how their body works.

If your husband has experienced this, it is quiet possible his refusal to consider rehab is a result of knowing the intense trauma that awaits him if he tries. This is no excuse to drop the ball in his relationship to others, but I wouldn’t automatically assume he is choosing the booze over you. It is just as likely he is choosing to avoid an extremely difficult and prolonged period of mental and physical anguish at any cost.

My only real advice is make sure both you and he know completely what rehab would entail, and face it together. If the onus is on him alone, it is pretty clear that he would fail. The onus is on you to try and “fix him,” you will almost certainly fail. Together, and with God, your family can succeed.

As for your Faith, Christ and the Church are more than one priest who made a grave mistake. And sadly, bad things happen to good people the same as good things happen to bad people. The world does not discriminate in this way, and any gospel that preaches material or physical comfort stems from following Christ is in error. To be a Christian is to suffer at times. The history of the Saints is full of men and women that were tortured, martyred, faced persecution, and were killed for staying true to Christ, even in the face of numerous reasons to doubt and abandon Him.

The night is always darkest before dawn, and God will see you through this. I am pretty sure your husband’s actions are not God’s way of punishing you, even though it is completely normal to have those kinds of thoughts. It seems from your posts that you have faith, hope, love, and perseverance in abundance, in spite of what has been thrown at you. In my eyes, you already face severe trials every day and have shown great inner strength.

You are in my prayers.
 
brendawithfaith said:
Thank you so much for taking time to talk with me.

First on the subject of the Priest I should let you know he did not drive as the church, offices, hall and his home are all in one place. I just wonder if I should look at this as he was at the reception following the funeral and had too much to drink. Maybe he does have a problem but I do not have any prior experience w/him to know if this is a one time thing. I will definitely consider your advise.

Secondly, yes I can leave my husband in hopes he gets help and set a good example to my daughter of how a women deserves to be treated but then don’t I just end up living away from the alcoholism? How do I find happiness when the man I love doesn’t love me enough to do anything? I guess I am really afraid that for the rest of my life here on earth I may not ever get my joy back. I know God wants my life to be good and he hurts when I hurt but I feel like I am in a no win situation.

Thirdly, thank your for the Al-Anon advise. I actually have gone for several years, not lately though, and it is wonderful and actually taught me to lean on God for help which was new for me.

Thanks again for taking time for me.
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That’s still inexcusable of the priest, but at least he wasn’t behind the wheel. That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be, however, and I’m wondering if he was drinking before he presumably drove to the cemetery. Either way, please contact any other priest who lives with him, the diocesan vicar for clergy, and the bishop, and please do so ASAP.

Yes, you end up living away from the alcoholism, and you learn to structure your life relationships accordingly: God first, spouse (if he chooses or you choose to continue the spousal relationship) next, children after that, everyone else following. Right now, the alcoholic is ranked first and only, and that, as you can see, is not working. Your happiness cannot depend upon another person, even if that person is the one you love dearest in this world. It must depend upon your relationship with God, but you have to give Him the opportunity to work in your life by doing something different. Remember, God is a gentleman. He won’t butt in where you won’t let Him. If you decide to separate from your husband, that may be the space He needs in order to work on your husband to get him to rehab and into AA. It may not. We can’t know; only He can, but we can help Him work.

As to the last, yes, please return to Al-Anon, get a good sponsor (preferably one who has been in a similar situation and who has been in the program for five or more years), and work the steps. They’ll help a lot. Consider bringing your daughter to Alateen, too.
 
brendawithfaith said:
Secondly, yes I can leave my husband in hopes he gets help and set a good example to my daughter of how a women deserves to be treated but then don’t I just end up living away from the alcoholism? How do I find happiness when the man I love doesn’t love me enough to do anything? .
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My heart goes out to you. Although I was dealing with lies, other women, and money disappearing, not alcoholism, I’ve been in the same place, finally having to face that my (then) husband will do exactly as he pleases. ‘Set boundaries and stick to them’ is of limited value with such people, because often there really is no ‘or else’ that affects them, short of divorce. We are left with the choice of live with it or divorce–in my experience, in many of the experiences I’ve seen on the infidelity forum.

You find happiness by looking to your own life, living for God, your daughter, living with integrity, doing things that you love and feel called to.
 
My heart goes out to you–I’ve been in your shoes. I finally reached a point where I was not willing to put myself and my children through the pain and horrible family life anymore, and told DH I wanted a divorce. I had no intention of remarrying, but also did not intend to stay in that marriage that was so damaging to all of us. DH had never been willing to go to any treatment programs or AA before. I think it must have finally sunk in that I was serious when I contacted a lawyer. He went into a 30 day program where he stayed there the whole time, with only limited phone calls and visits on Sunday afternoons. There was also a family counseling program. I told him when he went in that I was happy he was doing it, but wanted to be clear that he should do it for himself and our children, not thinking that all would be well with our marriage afterward, because I was making no promise to get back together.

Long story shortened…DH has not had a drink for over 25 years. He is truly a changed, wonderful man of God, and he and our children and now grandchildren love and respect him so much. Guess the point I’m making is that giving your husband an ultimatum and then following through with it may NOT be the end of your relationship–that wasn’t my experience. Find a holy priest to give you guidance, and put your trust in God. I’ll keep you all in my prayers, too.
 
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