Struggling with non Catholic wife over Mass attendance and work

[Yeoman]

As usual, in my rare posts, I’m not certain I’m posting to the right category. My apologies if I am not.

This will be a rambling post. But it is all related.

I’m Catholic and my wife is not. We’ve been married for a long time and my two very Catholic children are now 16 and 19. I’ve been very happy with how the children have turned out.

What I’m disappointed in is sort of two fold, those being 1) my occupation (yes this is sort of related and 2) my inability to make much of an impact with my wife in terms of Faith. I’m going to start with that one first.

My wife is a Christian, but she isn’t attended Mass with us. When we were first married she’d attend occasionally, but rarely, which is now also the case. When our kids were born and small, she attended regularly and was very involved with their First Communions and Confirmations. Not really having a denomination of her own, and being very involved, I’m sure that the assumption most people would have made was that she was Catholic except she did not go to Communion. She even briefly taught at our local Catholic school. After the kids were confirmed she dropped back off.

What her usual excuse is that she’s “tired” on Sunday mornings but efforts to get her to go on Saturday nights are rarely successful. It isn’t as if we’re bad examples (I think) in the household. The rest of us go. And I’m a sufficiently good amateur apologist that I was able to help a lapsed Catholic return to the Faith and watch him become a great apologist.

I really worry about this as I feel that God will hold me accountable for my failures with my wife.

Coming on to point number 1 (and these are related), my mother died nearly a year ago. It was a long hard struggle, but as it was occurring, given what it meant, I promised myself that when she died I’d quit my current hard stressful job I don’t like. We’d have the adequate resources, in my view, to do that, even though it’d depress our income about 50%. I didn’t do that, however, as I’m apparently one of those people who can’t quit a thing and secondly it panics my wife. Maybe her fears are legitimate, but maybe its because any change in routine and circumstances scare her to death. I’m tired, however. That is, I’m physically tired and mentally tired and I want to quit.

This last Sunday I woke my wife up in time for morning Mass as usual My daughter was a sever and I was a lector. As usual, she was tired. I’d had enough and stated that I’m tired every morning and I think its just not important to her. My work is no longer important to me, and I said I’d follow her lead on being “tired” and not carrying on with a thing.

Later, as it turned out, that very morning my daughter lectured her before Mass as my daughter had (unbeknownst to me) secured a promise from her some time ago that she’d starting going to Mass and the promise is broken.

She appeared shook up all day long. Maybe something had an impact.

So, after all that, my query:

I’m really tempted to tell my employer I’m done. I no longer believe there’s any chance I can get my wife to attend regularly and I’m tired of killing myself at work due to her fears?

Am I being an idiot?

What am I missing here?

 

[MSSheBear]

The one thing that stands out to me here is that your wife doesn’t want to go to Mass and you feel it is your duty to make her go. From what you mention she would get involved at the church if your children were involved. Does she go to another denomination or does she just not attend any religious services?

I get annoyed when my family and friends profess being a Christian and yet do not attend a worship service. I tell myself to be patient. So maybe you are approaching it from the wrong end and need to ask her why she feels no need to go?

I can’t offer you advice on your marriage but it seems there needs to be a reconciliation between your needs for a less stressful job and what your wife wants.

 

[Yeoman]

The one thing that stands out to me here is that your wife doesn’t want to go to Mass and you feel it is your duty to make her go. From what you mention she would get involved at the church if your children were involved. Does she go to another denomination or does she just not attend any religious services?

She doesn’t attend anything.

I get annoyed when my family and friends profess being a Christian and yet do not attend a worship service. I tell myself to be patient. So maybe you are approaching it from the wrong end and need to ask her why she feels no need to go?

I never get a really straight answer to that. Sometimes it is “I am going”, even if she hasn’t been recently, or “I’ll start”.

I think part of it is that while she’s clearly Christian and very charitable in the true sense (more so than me) she was raised in a very non denominational Christmas and Easter fashion. Oddly when we were dating eons ago her most recent religious exposure had been to the Catholic church with a friend and she more or less claimed to be Catholic if the topic came up at that time.

A big problem, I think is that when she was a little kid her father (whom her mother divorced, the individuals she calls her father is a step father) forcibly exposed her to the Mormon faith and that produced a huge negative ongoing reaction.

I can’t offer you advice on your marriage but it seems there needs to be a reconciliation between your needs for a less stressful job and what your wife wants.

I agree.

 

[Yeoman]

I get annoyed when my family and friends profess being a Christian and yet do not attend a worship service.

One oddity of this, I’d note, is that she will hold it against a person if they don’t act in accordance with their faith, including Catholics who don’t.

Maybe that isn’t as odd as it sounds, of course, as everybody should be held in account for their professed beliefs.

 

[TechieGuy]

Regarding your wife - yes, you are being an idiot.

In helping to raise your children Catholic, she has done all that she promised to do with respect to religion and it sounds like she did a pretty good job.

She is an adult who has her own responsibility to worship, or not, as she sees fit and as her conscience moves her. You are not responsible for this and any nagging on your part will be counterproductive.

Regarding your job, you’d be foolish to quit before you have a new job lined up, but if you can meet your household expenses while working a less stressful job, then you shouldn’t feel bad about making such a change and doing so might even be better for your long term health.

 

[Xantippe]

As usual, in my rare posts, I’m not certain I’m posting to the right category. My apologies if I am not.

This will be a rambling post. But it is all related.

I’m Catholic and my wife is not. We’ve been married for a long time and my two very Catholic children are now 16 and 19. I’ve been very happy with how the children have turned out.

What I’m disappointed in is sort of two fold, those being 1) my occupation (yes this is sort of related and 2) my inability to make much of an impact with my wife in terms of Faith. I’m going to start with that one first.

My wife is a Christian, but she isn’t attended Mass with us. When we were first married she’d attend occasionally, but rarely, which is now also the case. When our kids were born and small, she attended regularly and was very involved with their First Communions and Confirmations. Not really having a denomination of her own, and being very involved, I’m sure that the assumption most people would have made was that she was Catholic except she did not go to Communion. She even briefly taught at our local Catholic school. After the kids were confirmed she dropped back off.

What her usual excuse is that she’s “tired” on Sunday mornings but efforts to get her to go on Saturday nights are rarely successful. It isn’t as if we’re bad examples (I think) in the household. The rest of us go. And I’m a sufficiently good amateur apologist that I was able to help a lapsed Catholic return to the Faith and watch him become a great apologist.

I really worry about this as I feel that God will hold me accountable for my failures with my wife.

Coming on to point number 1 (and these are related), my mother died nearly a year ago. It was a long hard struggle, but as it was occurring, given what it meant, I promised myself that when she died I’d quit my current hard stressful job I don’t like. We’d have the adequate resources, in my view, to do that, even though it’d depress our income about 50%. I didn’t do that, however, as I’m apparently one of those people who can’t quit a thing and secondly it panics my wife. Maybe her fears are legitimate, but maybe its because any change in routine and circumstances scare her to death. I’m tired, however. That is, I’m physically tired and mentally tired and I want to quit.

This last Sunday I woke my wife up in time for morning Mass as usual My daughter was a sever and I was a lector. As usual, she was tired. I’d had enough and stated that I’m tired every morning and I think its just not important to her. My work is no longer important to me, and I said I’d follow her lead on being “tired” and not carrying on with a thing.

Later, as it turned out, that very morning my daughter lectured her before Mass as my daughter had (unbeknownst to me) secured a promise from her some time ago that she’d starting going to Mass and the promise is broken.

She appeared shook up all day long. Maybe something had an impact.

So, after all that, my query:

I’m really tempted to tell my employer I’m done. I no longer believe there’s any chance I can get my wife to attend regularly and I’m tired of killing myself at work due to her fears?

Am I being an idiot?

What am I missing here?

I really do not care for the idea of you cutting your income in half with you still having dependent children. Here are some things to think about:

–Keep looking for other better paying work.
–Take an occasional day off at your current job (if the work wouldn’t pile up in your absence)
–Is a different schedule possible? My dad was once very pleased to work 4 10s as opposed to 5 8s.
–Try living on 50% of your current income and save the rest for your transition (if you can live on 50% now, you can live on 50% later)
–Is your non-mortgage debt paid off? Your monthly expenses will be smaller without debt.
–Are you getting close to paying off your mortgage? Your wife may feel differently about the situation once your house is paid off and your monthly expenses drop off
–Can your wife work or work more?
–How are you coping with college/college savings? Is that on track?
–What do you really want to do when you grow up?
–Are you able to work in some exercise? That might help with your stress.

I suspect (just based on the age of your kids) that you’re in the high-expense kid years. Whatever you’re doing, it’s not going to be forever. In fact, it’s quite possible that (even without dramatic sacrifices) that your expenses will drop 50% or more within 6 years, with maybe a 25% or more drop within three years.

Best wishes!

 

[Bonnie]

Regarding your wife - yes, you are being an idiot.

Agreed. Please don’t try to convert your wife. She can see how you live & if your life hasn’t converted her, your words won’t.

About the job - you say it frightens her to think of living on half your income. You may not know this, but security is pretty important to women, especially when the children are still in the home. If you love your wife, stop scaring her with that kind of talk. I understand that you aren’t happy with your job, but how many people are? You are middle-aged & it won’t be easy to find a decent-paying job. Perhaps you can get some extra training or education & move up in the company you work for now?

 

[St_Francis]

It seems to me you are confusing the two issues a bit.

WRT your wife, you are not responsible for getting her to convert, but you should be praying for her, and if there is some concrete reason you see that is holding her back, pray specifically for the removal or healing of that. Your priest may be able to advise you more specifically, so it might be good to talk with him.

I think the advice you got above about your job is good. Look into the ramifications on the FAFSA financial aid if you make the change, if your children are planning into attend college. It might even be helpful to have a lower income.

 

[Dorothy]

I just want to add that in showing your wife the love of the Lord and praying for her (tell your children also to pray for her) will be a fruitful way to solve this.

The Rosary can help much!

I will add you to my prayer list for a less stressful job.

Peace in Jesus and Mary,

Dorothy

 

[1ke]

these are two separate issues, don’t treat them as one.

Your wife is not your child, and she is not Catholic. You need to back off.

Your job and household finances are a mutual decision between the two of you. Discuss it in a mature way. Look at her fears seriously and make a checklist of how you will pay bills, college, and whatever on half the income or no income. Look at other jobs you could reasonable get in your area where you live. Apply for some, see if you get a response or a job offer. I am not sure how you would live with no job and four people to support? You need not stay in a high stress job, but you need to plan for an orderly exit and to have something else lined up. Make a list and go through it together.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m more upset she broke a promise to your daughter…clearly she was hurt by this.

 

[Yeoman]

Thanks for the replies. They’re confirming pretty much what I thought, which is why I’m upset with myself over the whole recent exchange.

Uff, one of the more difficult issues I deal with, or at least one of the more frustrating ones.

 

[Yeoman]

I’m more upset she broke a promise to your daughter…clearly she was hurt by this.

It makes my daughter really angry, which isn’t a good thing.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think your approach is way off here. Firstly, the religion and your job are separate issues. You have a responsibility to your family. You are also responsible for your non-adult children’s religious participation. You are not responsible for dragging wife to Mass against her will, and shouldn’t be threatening her.

About your job, I don’t think it’s appropriate to make a promise to yourself to quit your job without discussing it with your wife. How is it fair to unilaterally make her the sole provider for your family, which is a significant burden, just because your job is stressful and you don’t like it? (My job is stressful, my husband’s job is stressful, we are both exhausted, neither one of us loves our job. But we would NEVER just quit if the other wasn’t on board, and especially without another job lined up.) I’m confused about why you wouldn’t just look for another job while still employed?

My husband was baptized but not raised Catholic. Sometimes he goes to Mass with me and our son and sometimes he doesn’t. I pray for him. I invite him. But he does not ever need to explain to me why he isn’t going. That is between him and God. I am not his mother. You are not your wife’s father. Your daughter should certainly not be “lecturing” her own mother either.

It sounds like, for someone who isn’t Catholic, your wife did a pretty great job of making sure your children were raised in a faith that wasn’t even her own. I understand your sadness over her not joining you (believe me, I do) but your approach is only going to push her further away and cause strife in your marriage.

 

[Marie80]

I pray that you can put your trust in God and be open to His plan for you whatever that may be.

A year ago, I had a super stressful job that was killing me. Because of my pride, I could not make the decision to leave it. It all caught up with me to the point that I had no choice but to leave without any other prospects at the time. This turned out to be a tremendous blessing for me.

Today my take-home pay is about 40% of what it was a year ago and I don’t have many of the other benefits that my previous job gave me. But the benefits in my real life are so much more, especially the time that I now have to devote to my relationships with God and others. I feel younger than I have in years, my health has improved, and I’ve never been more at peace.

I want to be clear that I am not giving you advice, just sharing a small part of my story to illustrate that all things are possible with God.

Peace, Marie

 

[Lou2U]

these are two separate issues, don’t treat them as one.

Your wife is not your child, and she is not Catholic. You need to back off.

Your job and household finances are a mutual decision between the two of you. Discuss it in a mature way. Look at her fears seriously and make a checklist of how you will pay bills, college, and whatever on half the income or no income. Look at other jobs you could reasonable get in your area where you live. Apply for some, see if you get a response or a job offer. I am not sure how you would live with no job and four people to support? You need not stay in a high stress job, but you need to plan for an orderly exit and to have something else lined up. Make a list and go through it together.

I’m more upset she broke a promise to your daughter…clearly she was hurt by this.

I agree with both of these posts. It is not your responsibility to get your wife to go to Mass with you. I would just ask her point-blank if she actually wants to go with you. I do see your frustration - you’re tired of your job and want to quit but can’t, and she’s tired in the mornings but doesn’t have to go to Mass. The issue is that they aren’t the same thing, and you’re bringing them together in your mind like they are. Your wife does not have to go to Mass with you, so I would stop waking her up in the morning to go. Ask her the night before if she would like to, and if she says no, accept that. If she says yes but refuses in the morning, go without her and talk to her when you get back - the fact that she promised to and didn’t go through with it. I agree with Clare that she should not be promising things to your daughter and breaking them. Ask her to be honest about whether she really wants to go to Mass, and then if she says yes, ask her to make the effort for you and your children.

In regards to your job, I can see why you’re so tired. Does your wife know, truly know, how you feel in regards to it? Have you had any conversations about it, other than you wanting to quit? 1ke’s advice is good. Talk about it together.

Lou

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

It seems to me you’re connecting two unrelated issues: your wife’s lack of Mass attendance and your desire for a career change. I would encourage you not to make one dependent on the other: her attending or not attending Mass has nothing to do with whether or not you should quit your job.

Maybe you should quit your job, I don’t know. But don’t do anything rash just because you’re frustrated by your wife sleeping in on Sunday.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

As usual, in my rare posts, I’m not certain I’m posting to the right category. My apologies if I am not.

This will be a rambling post. But it is all related.

I’m Catholic and my wife is not. We’ve been married for a long time and my two very Catholic children are now 16 and 19. I’ve been very happy with how the children have turned out.

What I’m disappointed in is sort of two fold, those being 1) my occupation (yes this is sort of related and 2) my inability to make much of an impact with my wife in terms of Faith. I’m going to start with that one first.

My wife is a Christian, but she isn’t attended Mass with us. When we were first married she’d attend occasionally, but rarely, which is now also the case. When our kids were born and small, she attended regularly and was very involved with their First Communions and Confirmations. Not really having a denomination of her own, and being very involved, I’m sure that the assumption most people would have made was that she was Catholic except she did not go to Communion. She even briefly taught at our local Catholic school. After the kids were confirmed she dropped back off.

What her usual excuse is that she’s “tired” on Sunday mornings but efforts to get her to go on Saturday nights are rarely successful. It isn’t as if we’re bad examples (I think) in the household. The rest of us go. And I’m a sufficiently good amateur apologist that I was able to help a lapsed Catholic return to the Faith and watch him become a great apologist.

I really worry about this as I feel that God will hold me accountable for my failures with my wife.

Coming on to point number 1 (and these are related), my mother died nearly a year ago. It was a long hard struggle, but as it was occurring, given what it meant, I promised myself that when she died I’d quit my current hard stressful job I don’t like. We’d have the adequate resources, in my view, to do that, even though it’d depress our income about 50%. I didn’t do that, however, as I’m apparently one of those people who can’t quit a thing and secondly it panics my wife. Maybe her fears are legitimate, but maybe its because any change in routine and circumstances scare her to death. I’m tired, however. That is, I’m physically tired and mentally tired and I want to quit.

This last Sunday I woke my wife up in time for morning Mass as usual My daughter was a sever and I was a lector. As usual, she was tired. I’d had enough and stated that I’m tired every morning and I think its just not important to her. My work is no longer important to me, and I said I’d follow her lead on being “tired” and not carrying on with a thing.

Later, as it turned out, that very morning my daughter lectured her before Mass as my daughter had (unbeknownst to me) secured a promise from her some time ago that she’d starting going to Mass and the promise is broken.

She appeared shook up all day long. Maybe something had an impact.

So, after all that, my query:

I’m really tempted to tell my employer I’m done. I no longer believe there’s any chance I can get my wife to attend regularly and I’m tired of killing myself at work due to her fears?

Am I being an idiot?

What am I missing here?

Several things stand out to me here.
1 the two may be related in your mind but they don’t have to be
2. It seems like you may be preaching at your wife. Your hopefulness that her sadness about a daughter pushing her shows a conversion being sought on an emotionally manipulative lever. And that isn’t good.
3. You picked her
4. Why no communication along the lines of asking her what she believes and LISTENING so you can learn about your wife. Don’t argue, don’t correct her, don’t even talk about what you believe. She knows, she doesn’t need to hear it over and over. She knows what the Chirch believes.
I think you need to rethink your approach.

 

[Yeoman]

Very true indeed.

 

[SuperHappy]

As much as you want your wife to change, you need to accept the fact that you married her knowing that she was not Catholic. It is not fair to now hold that against her or to be resentful to her because she is not. It sounds like she followed the promise of raising the children as Catholic and she participated fully in their religious upbringing and supported you in that as well.

I fail to understand how her not attending mass be reason for you to quit your job. That makes no sense to me at all. One has nothing to do with the other.

If you want to quit your job, you should not do so until you have another job lined up. That’s just good sense in these trying economic times. You are the one who spends a majority of time at a job, you should find one that is agreeable to you so you can live a better life.

Send up prayers for your wife and also ask God to lead, guide and direct you in your job situation as well.