Struggling with spouses unemployment

[katesmom]

Hello. My spouse has been out of work for 6 weeks. He has had 2 interviews (one job has potential to be a long term career) and the other is not good paying and we will struggle to pay our bills.

I tend to be the worrier and anxious one in our marriage. I sense the more time that goes by he is becoming less motivated to look for anything with a steady income. He Isnt interested in any job postings I’ve showed him. I work full time and while I don’t love my job I do like the security it offers (pay & insurance)

I’m not trusting God and I am spinning my wheels to try make something happen but I’m making myself miserable. I’m sure I’m annoying my husband too. I’m scared and worried we are going to lose everything. I’m blessed my mother has helped me a great deal with Groceries and other stuff.

Anyone been thru this? I just want to be at peace but I’m not and nothing helps?

 

[Radish]

I’m actually going through this right now! My husband lost his job the first of January. I found out I was pregnant a day later. I’ve had so much anxiety I can barely sleep some nights.

I’ve been trying to help him find employment too. It sort of stressed him out because I was worried.

The only thing that has calmed me down any is studying the catechism. So distracting myself.

Also the celexa hasn’t hurt anything either.

 

[katesmom]

I also take celexa. I recently returned to the Mass too. I’ve enjoyed being in church on Sundays. I’m beginning to question if I should be doing more? I work but I do not make great money. College is a Option but only if I get grants. I’m not borrowing anymore money. …

 

[Lorelei12]

Is your husband receiving any unemployment benefits? If so, at least in our state, he’d be required to have regular meetings with the unemployment office and to document his job search efforts.

I’d imagine that it probably is pretty annoying for him to be shown job postings by you. I was out of work for the first year we were married, and not once did my husband show me a job listing. He trusted me when I said I was looking, and did not pressure me. We made just barely enough to get by on his salary, and in the meantime I took over all of the household management stuff- bill paying, cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. Is your husband doing any of these things? From your username, I assume you have at least one child? Does he stay with your kid(s) while you are working? Try to focus on the things he does do.

Being out of work for six weeks and already having had two interviews is actually not all that bad in this economy. A lot of people go months and months without a single callback.

I think you’ll be more at peace if you trust him to handle this (as long as he’s trustworthy of course). When you say you sense he is becoming “less motivated”, what does that mean? Is it because he isn’t applying to the jobs you showed him, or is he not applying to any at all? As long as he is trying, it would be best for you to leave him in charge of his job search activities. If you need public assistance in the meantime (you mentioned needing help with groceries), don’t be afraid to seek it out, that’s what it’s there for.

 

[katesmom]

Thank you Lorelei12. I appreciate you sharing your story. You’ve opened my eyes to how my behavior may be affecting our marriage. I need to trust him. That is huge - I didnt even realize I wasn’t trusting him.

He is taking care of our children (I have 2) while I work. He cooks and cleans and takes them to their appointments, to and from school. He is a great father and husband. He is a great guy - Ive just lost hope that things will get better with our finances? I have to TRUST God and trust my husband. I think those 2 things alone will fill me with the peace Im seeking?

Ive sensed that I was becoming a nag and worrying way more than what is normal. Its like an obsession to find a him a job. Mainly because of my fears. I will pray for peace and stop sharing job listing with him. That has got to stop I agree.

I now have food assistance through my county/state (took a month to get benefits) and he was denied unemployment benefits (long story)

Thank you so much for sharing

 

[Lorelei12]

Thank you Lorelei12. I appreciate you sharing your story. You’ve opened my eyes to how my behavior may be affecting our marriage. I need to trust him. That is huge - I didnt even realize I wasn’t trusting him.

He is taking care of our children (I have 2) while I work. He cooks and cleans and takes them to their appointments, to and from school. He is a great father and husband. He is a great guy - Ive just lost hope in our future.

Ive sensed that I was becoming a nag and worrying way more than what is normal. Its like an obsession to find a him a job. Mainly because of my fears. I will pray for peace and stop sharing job listing with him. That has got to stop I agree.

Thank you so much

It sounds like you have every reason to trust that he’s doing his best to find something. And since he’s already had a couple of interviews, hopefully it won’t be that long.

I totally understand why you are anxious and worried too- that’s normal. I know that my husband worried that I wasn’t going to find anything- what I made sure he knew though, was that I was worried about it too. I wanted to make sure he knew I cared and was trying, even though he never pushed me. Maybe your husband isn’t talking about it enough with you. Not that you need to talk about it all the time, but something that helped my husband and I was every week or two, I’d update him on where I applied. He never asked for a “report”, but I provided it to him because I wanted him to be reassured. Perhaps if you try to ease up a little bit, your husband will be more open to talking about it. It is really uncomfortable to be out of work, and embarrassing.

I think that if you can make an effort to notice everything else he is doing, and try to let him take control of his own job search, you will be more at peace. I’m sure it’s hard (I know it was for my husband), but the way he acted toward me while I was out of work motivated me even more. I wanted to find something not just to improve our financial situation, but also to make him happy because he was so patient and supportive. I know he was worried and anxious too, but the way he acted made a big difference.

I hope he is able to find something soon, and I’ll pray for you both!

 

[Lorelei12]

Another thing I just thought of- my husband would always encourage me to get out of the house- go out for lunch, go to the library or the beach, go out with friends. I felt guilty doing these things because I felt like I should be spending all the time job searching, and because he was at work all day, but he told me “You can’t look for a job 24/7. There’s only so much you can do- you should have some fun while you have some free time.” So he’d go off to work, I’d put in a good effort at job hunting, and then maybe go for a walk on the beach. Maybe if you encouraged your husband to do the same (and, for me it was different because we didn’t have any kids) it might help him clear his head a little and be more motivated and focused when he is looking for employment.