Struggling

[breizhour29]

Hello to you all Brothers and Sisters in Christ !

I discovered this fabulous website last year, as i was preparing my self to become Catholic. And now, i want to involve more.

Actually, i’m from France, an old catholic country, but was never baptized. My family was not devoted in anyway and i can say that there has never been such thing as “faith matter” in our family. Although, i should have been as my family prepared it when i was a baby, but for some futile reasons ,never did.

Around 11 years ago, as i was a student, i met a devoted Catholic. He was around 53 years old. He made me discover the catholic faith and destroyed many lies or clichés that were being said in our country about the Church. France being almost today atheist and culturally anti-catholic. So, one day i bought a Bible and decided to discover it all.

I read, of course, but was still wondering if all those “things” were true. If Jesus was real, etc. Very basics questions i guess. One evening, i decided to make it sure. So, in some way, i “put Jesus to the test”, eventhough now i know it’s a sin. I ask Him, “Well, Jesus, come into my Temple !” And i kept repeating it for 10 minutes or so, without stopping. Now i know that orthodox churches call this “Hesychast prayer”. Anyway, after 10 minutes, a strange thing happened : a huge wave of warmth invaded my body, to the point where i felt like boiling. At the same time, i was paralyzed and could not make a move. My eyes were closed. At the same time, i felt an unexplainable love within me, and here i want to insist : mixed with a deep suffering feeling. Love and suffering. I stayed like this few minutes maybe, i can’t tell, but what i can say is that it was Jesus in me, during his Passion. More exactly, Jesus is “made” of those two thing : Love and Suffering, According to what i experienced, He is in this state since then, loving us and suffering for us. I can’t describe this as it can’t be by human words. After on, everything vanished. But Jesus, indeed, came into my Temple.

For the next days, i saw everything differently. I would love everyone beyond words and helped any person i could, especially unknown people.

But, i was not still baptized. And i keep considering it. For some reason, i did not reply to this appeal first. I let myself question months or years after if all this was really real. But, what i didn’t know, was that the Holy Spirit kept working on my “case”. Here i want to point out that I did not chose Jesus, He has chosen me. I was the least of the person He would have needed, according to my understanding, but on the contrary, He came to me and grabbed my shoulder.

Then, years after, i let myself into everyday life, as i was in my twenties : so lots of parties, alcohol, not drug, pornography, some flirts, etc. But, the fact is since my youth, i am someone concerned about spirituality. And history too. So i tried to find answer by myself to existential questions, considering paganism of my ancestors. Not practising of course, but wondering what part of truth there was in it. On day, i contacted a neo-druid, to chat about their teachings, which obviously was more or less a masonic/gnostic one. I was struck by the hate the person felt toward Catholic Church.

Then, i realized that all the person interested in paganism would hate the Church without limit : “The Christians hate the Nature, they’re obsessed with trivial sexuality ethics, they hate human beings for what they are, they over idealized humanity, they’re supposed to preach God and Good, but are obsessed with devils”. This would be the most common observations.

For me, this hatred was disgusting since the meeting of my friend, i knew that Church was noble. I was just wondering to what extent the Church was right, only relying on my “Logos”.

Then, i trip to Japan where i met my future wife. I lived with her since, and we got married three years ago, 4 years after we met. After that, three years ago, i experienced another very strong spiritual crises, which convinced me in few days, two at most, that the Church was the Church of God and that Jesus saved us all from Death and Sin. After on, i got back to France. There, i would ask a priest to get baptized, but as i could leave anytime soon for Japan or abroad, i explained that it would be hard in my case to follow a two years catechism.

Finally, God answered me and sent me a very good priest who took care of me and of my catechism. Finally, i got baptized on last september, in my country.

 

[breizhour29]

My baptism was awkward : the Church was empty, but the whole atmosphear OUT was very negative. It looked like Babylone in someways. Especially during the ceremony, we could here a terrible music coming out from a shop besides, a huge continuous noise. Before we even start, a gipsy came in the Church. He came to us and asked us for money, the priest refused as gypsies use to pretend. And indeed, they often make stories to get money. So he asked me money. As i was about to refuse, something struck me : “As you gave, you will receive”. I had an one euro coin and twenty euros note in my pocket. I gave the note, feeling this was a test from God, who, maybe, just before baptism, wanted to see what i loved the most. We never understood how this Gypsie could enter the Church.

Then we went on and i was baptized. I had my first communion and it appeared that i nearly collapsed in front of the Altar while waiting for the Body of Christ. I was sweating a lot, my back was hurting so much, and as i was on my knees, finally was on the ground. The priest was not much surprised. In fact, months before, i told him i had very bad thoughts and had a depression.

After we finished, we left the church. The whole city, honestly, looked like evilish. Like a big chaos around, lots of muslims - at least from descent - starring at us, bad places with many wierd persons hanging in the neighbourhood.

It happened that the city in which i was baptized was the one where i studied and where i had my spiritual experience. It was not a purpose, for weeks we looked for a city where we could perform the sacrament.

Oh course, after on, i was extremely happy. But the priest told my right away : it’s just the beginning.

Unfortunaletly i did fall back in this terrible habit of watching pornography. Mostly because i did not keep going in the spiritual way, and let me seduced even after my baptism. And actually, i let my self in this far too much, i won’t give details though. I just can say that adultery thoughts started, far more before my baptism, to come up in my mind. But not the usual adultery, the one i would like to push my wife in. Extremly strange as, before, such idea would have make me sick right away. But, in fact, it repulsed me as much it fascinated me. But, always, i knew it was bad, for me, my wife, etc. But i let myself in those things.

Finally, recently, i had a kind of spiritual shock. An awakening. I was away from the Church, because i could not go the Mass without confessing, on the other hand, being in Japan, i did not know yet where to do so. My awakening came as, on internet and by accident, i discovered a fake theologian encouraging french speakers to not have sacraments, that this was “a second way loved by Christ”. It made me angry, for i thought about som many people being abused by those teaching on youtube, etc. Tens of thousand of people watching him and listening to him. Then reviewing his preaches, i discovered many others things he said. I contacted the belgian diocese where he worked and i learned that he actually was being closely watched by the Church as he was a teacher in a catholic school.

For some reason, i wrote to him, asking him to stop harming the Church this way by abusing people and lying on the Catholic Doctrine. He would, for instance, say that contraception is not a sin if the woman “has no choice”.

Soon after, i was recalled that i was not the propper person to say this, of course, since i am a hardened sinner too. But even in my situation, i felt it was really bad to let him lie to others and encourage them. But, naturally, God put me to the test : if i am hard on this for others, what about me. And in fact, i deeply thought about me and was of course ashamed and wanted to confess as soon as possible, for the first time.

Another thing came up : my wife and i use contraception. Before this, i never took time to consider the Church position about that. So i did as usual. But, now, this all different. And i talked to my wife, explaining that being a Catholic, i have to review our practises regarding this. She was extremely sad, because she thinks that we can’t have relations without “risking” her to become pregnant, which in our economic situation is very hard to manage (i am unemployed).

Then i start learning about confession and understood that i could not confess until willing to repent, of course, of all my sins but also without the strong resolution to stop them. For pornography, i am determined. And for contraception too, but my wife said she can’t live with me without have sexual intercourse. And i understand her, of course. So, i want to confess as soon as possible, but i am very worried for my wife well being. She is not Christian at all and does not understand all this.

Cheers to you all ! God bless you !

 

[Viki63]

Dear brother,
It is wonderful that you have come home to the church. I am also a convert.
After so many great and personal revelations, I would hope you would turn wholly to Christ, and ask him to take away your interest in pornography and help you resolve the contraception issue with your wife.
Perhaps it would help her to go through RCIA, if it’s available in your area, so that she can understand your faith. Anyone can go through RCIA just to learn about it, you don’t have to be converted.
I recommend Scott Hahn’s book Rome Sweet Home, about his journey to faith and also his wife’s struggle with it.
If you know a good priest, I hope you will discuss the contraception concern with him. If your wife is doing the contracepting, I believe it is not a sin for you to engage in relations. This is an area to go slow, because God wants to preserve marriages.
I will pray that you will find work.
God bless.

 

[breizhour29]

Thank you Viki for your words and advises.

The priest who baptized me is my councellor, i am waiting now for his reply.

My wife does not use pill, in Japan, it has a terrible reputation for health. So mostly no woman uses it. It is up to the male partner. So i have to stop it, but it is not a problem for me in itself because now it disgusts me. No, my concern is my wife feelings because currently she feels rejected without, at the moment, others options than to abstain. I have to consider this because she told that she would not do so for a very long time. I discovered the NFP, which i did not know, but i have no idea if she will feel willing to try this method.

Thanks !

 

[david_patrick]

hi,
i read your short autobiography with interest; i am gong to cut/paste to quote you, as these words caught my attention:
“… i put Jesus to the test”, eventhough now i know it’s a sin. I ask Him, “Well, Jesus, come into my Temple !” And i kept repeating it for 10 minutes or so, without stopping. Now i know that orthodox churches call this “Hesychast prayer”. Anyway, after 10 minutes, a strange thing happened : a huge wave of warmth invaded my body, to the point where i felt like boiling. At the same time, i was paralyzed and could not make a move. My eyes were closed. At the same time, i felt an unexplainable love within me, and here i want to insist : mixed with a deep suffering feeling. Love and suffering. I stayed like this few minutes maybe, i can’t tell, but what i can say is that it was Jesus in me, during his Passion. More exactly, Jesus is “made” of those two thing : Love and Suffering, According to what i experienced, He is in this state since then, loving us and suffering for us. I can’t describe this as it can’t be by human words. After on, everything vanished. But Jesus, indeed, came into my Temple. " end quote…
I am told that the french have a saying , exquisite pain-something like-to want something you cannot have; of course the monk’s prayer, as i know it remains…“Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.” it must have been an experience-of begging…then searching as if to knock on a door-it was opened…instead of exquisite pain-it was the awareness of mercy-that love might be the experience of grace–…in Milton-who says"the great task master’s eye" -to continue the subject-i add:he , the Lord, had seen your soul-and there was no limits; hence, divine love-is what you could have…seems the state of human love-can be realized-a grace felt ; likewise, divine love -realized-again grace felt…(i live and was born in america-i have quite different roots) but offer an idea-that grace is different to different interpretations-it could be an awareness, in context, of being loved…i believe that prayer will provide a faith to live the gospel -that your soul will find healing and joy in what you can have after all-seeking daily and finding divine love-that exchange of being loved and returning love …

 

[jaimeleglise]

Welcome to the true faith Church of Jesus Christ. Congratulations. Yes, try NFP. I hear
that it works very well and brings couples closer. Praying for you.