Struggling

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Esperanza333

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Something happened to me over Lent: I was doing well with fasting, prayer,and going to mass daily when suddenly everything was stripped from me. I started to feel confused about myself and began to withdraw. I became ill with migraines, auras, fatigue, and stomach problems. I ended up in the emergency room one night with excruciating stomach pains that lasted for several hours, did not respond to meds, and was inconclusive as far as medical testing. After that I started having panic attacks in church- I would get dizzy, short of breath and my heart raced. As of late, the physical stuff has mostly dissipated except for fatigue, but now I am plagued by despair- everything in this world seems absurd and meaningless. Nothing interests me and I am having a hard time figuring out why God wants me here. I find myself asking him to get me out of this place. I feel I have no purpose or meaning here and I just want to be with him. It is not a suicidal feeling and it’s not quite depression…, it’s hard to explain. I know God is with me and loves me, but I don’t understand why this is happening and what I am to do with this. I worry that I am doing something wrong or that I am being punished. And I fear that if it doesn’t end soon my faith will disappear.

I need help and I feel there is no one that can help me. It’s like I have no home in this world, but I also can’t find God.

The other day I found myself saying to Christ: "This sheep is lost! Please find me!
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need. Praying for your physical/spiritual health & recovery.
 
Did you give up too much or try too hard during Lent? It sounds like mental exhaustion which can bring on depression and physical exhaustion. Even nuns and priest suffer from bouts of burn out. Maybe a quiet, silent retreat or a few days or rest… R&R… would help. I am praying for you.
 
Lord, if this loved person Esperanza has strained mental and health by radically depriving it of essential food, insufficient rest, or with too much strain, please guide doctors and Esperanza on a healthy way forward.

If the above is true, Lord, and/or there is underlying genetic conditions or illness that falter under the prayer and fasting regime, of course there will be physical, emotional, mental, and therefore spiritual consequences as we are body and soul united on earth.
We ask Your wisdom to inform human wisdom in leading Esperanza on the path of healing and hope.

Of one thing there is no doubt. You love Esperanza and desire all good in and through this beloved person.
Lord, we trust in You
 
The cause is psychological, physical (ill health) and / or spiritual. It’s one or all of those three, as there’s nothing else.

If it’s physical, you might just need a bit more rest, or to follow a doctor’s orders.

If it’s psychological, in the sense you’ve been over-doing it, then maybe you need to slow down a bit, and stop being quite so scrupulous. Or maybe seek psychiatric help if you really think you need it. You’d be the best judge of that.

If it’s spiritual, and I suspect that this is at least part of the reason, you just need to realise the devil won’t like your dedication, and will try to discourage you any way he can.

Personally I think it’s a bit of all three - I think you’ve been overdoing the scrupulosity bit, maybe affected your health with fasting a bit too much, and the devil has thrown his two bob’s worth into the ring as well, noting you’d be an easy target for discouragement if your health takes a bit of a downturn.

After all, you’ve admitted yourself you feel quite discouraged, and that’s a golden oldie as far as Satan is concerned.

It reminds me of an anecdote my old pastor included in a sermon - the devil was having a jumble sale - old heresies like Arianism and Nestorianism were getting the heave-ho; and even some new fangled ones like Rapturism were losing their impact. Anyway a demon yelled out, “There’s this battered old box here with ‘Discouragement’ written on the side. Looks pretty worn out to me! What do you want me to do with it?”

The devil considered for a moment, and then repllied, “Nah, leave it there. It might look like its had it, but I’ve done a lot of good with that one! It’s got a bit of life left in it yet.” (Well, “good” in his eyes).
 
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate it!

I’m not sure how to respond to folks individually in this forum (new to all this), so I will just make a general comment:

Perhaps I over did it. I did have the intention of really bringing myself as close to God as I possibly could this Lent. I wanted to offer something beautiful. It wasn’t anything extreme, but it was more than I have ever offered. Mostly it was going well, and I was experiencing really beautiful things. I started to draw again and journal, etc…but, then one day… BAM! gone…

A lot of other strange things happened too- I experienced a lot of rejection and humiliation over the span of a couple weeks, which brought up old wounds and things I hadn’t thought about or felt in years. Also, external stressors( finances, kids, work) sky-rocketed and overwhelmed my husband and I. It was way too much and way too consistent to have been total coincidence. So, perhaps- as someone mentioned- I got physically weak and then the enemy took advantage. Or! I happen to have a lot of stress in my life which makes it difficult even when I am feeling well.

This all seems reasonable to me.

I am managing day to day now. I expect little and I have definitely been humbled in ways. I hope for things to balance out soon. I am grateful for this forum, because I don’t know how to reach out to people and this has possibly made my spiritual journey more difficult than necessary.

I had one night when I was feeling my worst ever. I brought it all to him- no words- just my aching heart- and I realized he was more real to me then than ever. Even though I couldn’t feel that peace and joy I typically feel in prayer. He also sent me signs through people and/or passages that kept me moving, but…I just don’t have as much endurance as I had hoped and I crave a break from this feeling of distance or whatever it is.

Thank you all again! I am so grateful.
 
Esperanza333 said:
I know God is with me and loves me, but I don’t understand why this is happening and what I am to do with this. I worry that I am doing something wrong or that I am being punished. And I fear that if it doesn’t end soon my faith will disappear.

I need help and I feel there is no one that can help me. It’s like I have no home in this world, but I also can’t find God.

The other day I found myself saying to Christ: "This sheep is lost! Please find me!
Click to expand...
I define this in myself as acedia hermitary.com/solitude/acedia.html

In confession I had used the word despair. Its not depression, its like an apathy of everything, nothing, NOTHING matters EXCEPT GOD. Waking up is just something that starts the process all over again. I talk/pray all day. He is in my head and in what positive things I do. Yet, then there are the times that just nothing matters. Getting help for this? My priest just brushes it off. I feel he is burnt out. I go to mass to be with Christ. That is about it.

One little flicker of hope, I found a parish run by a monastic group. I had asked and everybody lied to me that that doesn’t exist anymore. I was taught the faith at such a parish, when a young girl. Everyone says to try the local parish, it didn’t even have a priest for about two years. Part of the reason for my despair.
 
Casilda said:
I define this in myself as acedia hermitary.com/solitude/acedia.html

In confession I had used the word despair. Its not depression, its like an apathy of everything, nothing, NOTHING matters EXCEPT GOD. Waking up is just something that starts the process all over again. I talk/pray all day. He is in my head and in what positive things I do. Yet, then there are the times that just nothing matters. Getting help for this? My priest just brushes it off. I feel he is burnt out. I go to mass to be with Christ. That is about it.

One little flicker of hope, I found a parish run by a monastic group. I had asked and everybody lied to me that that doesn’t exist anymore. I was taught the faith at such a parish, when a young girl. Everyone says to try the local parish, it didn’t even have a priest for about two years. Part of the reason for my despair.
Click to expand...
Yes! I think that is most definitely what I am experiencing! Thank you for that article. I never heard of Acedia before. It seems to fit all the things I am experiencing.

I’m sorry to hear you are also struggling. And I’m sorry to hear how your priest has responded to it. I have also given up on talking to priests- or anyone really- not out of anger, but because I think the poor men are overwhelmed by too many people that need help.

Thanks again! God Bless!
 
Many times we experience stressful situations, and if they are persistent the mind and body begins to react. The para-sympathetic nervous system has a life of its own, it is the nervous system that takes over when you are sleeping, to keep you breathing, regulating your heart beat and restoring ones body back to an energetic state from tiredness. When the stress is maintained too long that’s when the parasympathetic nervous system reacts to protect the body. You will feel disassociated from the world around you, a strange feeling because you do not know what is happening to you. Fear can build, and panic can set in. You must learn where your stress limit is, and monitor your anxiety and worry. This can have repercussions on your spiritual life, and family life. Rest, and moderate exercise like walking can help to relieve the stress. Also meditation with prayer is very helpful, trust in God are the key
words, to be applied in all that you do, the old expression “Let go, and let God” applies.
You are not going crazy, and you are not dying:) Peace of the Lord be with you!
 
Esperanza333 said:
Something happened to me over Lent: I was doing well with fasting, prayer,and going to mass daily when suddenly everything was stripped from me. I started to feel confused about myself and began to withdraw. I became ill with migraines, auras, fatigue, and stomach problems. I ended up in the emergency room one night with excruciating stomach pains that lasted for several hours, did not respond to meds, and was inconclusive as far as medical testing. After that I started having panic attacks in church- I would get dizzy, short of breath and my heart raced. As of late, the physical stuff has mostly dissipated except for fatigue, but now I am plagued by despair- everything in this world seems absurd and meaningless. Nothing interests me and I am having a hard time figuring out why God wants me here. I find myself asking him to get me out of this place. I feel I have no purpose or meaning here and I just want to be with him. It is not a suicidal feeling and it’s not quite depression…, it’s hard to explain. I know God is with me and loves me, but I don’t understand why this is happening and what I am to do with this. I worry that I am doing something wrong or that I am being punished. And I fear that if it doesn’t end soon my faith will disappear.

I need help and I feel there is no one that can help me. It’s like I have no home in this world, but I also can’t find God.

The other day I found myself saying to Christ: "This sheep is lost! Please find me!
Click to expand...
Know that the experience of the absence of God or clarity is often God giving himself to us as that exact experience. As the proverb says, lean not on your own understanding (Prov 3:5-6) but in all things trust in the Lord and he WILL direct your path. We all need to spend some time in the desert of our life and be tempted as Jesus was…it helps our faith to bloom.
 
Thanks again for the responses and prayers! I went back to my doctor- turns out I am low in iron and potassium and most likely having anxiety issues from prolonged high stress. I don’t want to take meds, so I am going the diet/exercise route. They are doing further blood work to rule out Lupus or other autoimmune disorders.

As far as my spiritual malaise: I found a book that is really speaking to me and inspiring me. It’s called Contemplative Provocations by Father Donald Haggerty.

I am hoping that with a daily walk and daily reading I will get my strength back on every level.

Much love to you all!
 
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