Struggling

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Francis_W28

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Hi everyone,

I don’t want to make a terribly long post so I will try to keep this short and sweet. Mostly I am looking for guidance, support, and maybe cites from the CCC and the Bible to help me stay true to what I know God wants for me.

As everyone else, I am a sinner. The past few years of my life have been far from the Catholic Church and far from God’s will for me. Within the past 7 or 8 months I have made the greatest progress of my life and have started my journey back towards God and The Church. I may go into detail more so at another time… Like I said, I would like to keep this brief.

On to the problem at hand…

I am currently in a situation where I am not only in a relationship that has been filled with premarital sex but I also have a child on the way. My girlfriend (not Catholic but is Christian) and I have been struggling with abstaining from any further sexual relations.
We plan to be married but I don’t want to do so outside of the Catholic Church and as the way things go with many guys, I haven’t proposed yet because I am nervous and would like to be able to afford a nice ring first.

Our plans for marriage have nothing to do with our son who is expected to be born in January. In fact I gave her a promise ring many months prior to that and we discussed marriage too.

After going to confession for my sins, my local priest suggested that she and I live as brother and sister, refrain from sex, and continue a life of prayer.

For the past month or so I believe I have prayed more than I ever have in my life. In the morning, throughout my work day, and at night. God has most definitely shown himself to me in that time and given me strength yet I keep failing and disappointing myself.

Tonight I was tempted time and time again to have intercourse and after continually saying no, I gave in. It about killed me. Without going into too much detail I will say that I had to stop.

We do live together and recently moved into a strange town which hasn’t given me much time to make any relationships with those at my church. That is why I am coming to all of you.
I could use a lot of support and advice. I want to strive to become the best version of myself as Matthew Kelly would say. I want to be better! Please keep me in your prayers.

Thank you.

-Francis
 
I’m praying that the local church folks will be there for you both. Would people of your girlfriend’s type of “churchmanship” be prepared to help support your morale in addition to any Catholics, provided they wouldn’t pressure you not to turn Catholic (and were easy with your staying away from their sacraments)?
 
Francis_W28 said:
Hi everyone,

I don’t want to make a terribly long post so I will try to keep this short and sweet. Mostly I am looking for guidance, support, and maybe cites from the CCC and the Bible to help me stay true to what I know God wants for me.

As everyone else, I am a sinner. The past few years of my life have been far from the Catholic Church and far from God’s will for me. Within the past 7 or 8 months I have made the greatest progress of my life and have started my journey back towards God and The Church. I may go into detail more so at another time… Like I said, I would like to keep this brief.

On to the problem at hand…

I am currently in a situation where I am not only in a relationship that has been filled with premarital sex but I also have a child on the way. My girlfriend (not Catholic but is Christian) and I have been struggling with abstaining from any further sexual relations.
We plan to be married but I don’t want to do so outside of the Catholic Church and as the way things go with many guys, I haven’t proposed yet because I am nervous and would like to be able to afford a nice ring first.

Our plans for marriage have nothing to do with our son who is expected to be born in January. In fact I gave her a promise ring many months prior to that and we discussed marriage too.

After going to confession for my sins, my local priest suggested that she and I live as brother and sister, refrain from sex, and continue a life of prayer.

For the past month or so I believe I have prayed more than I ever have in my life. In the morning, throughout my work day, and at night. God has most definitely shown himself to me in that time and given me strength yet I keep failing and disappointing myself.

Tonight I was tempted time and time again to have intercourse and after continually saying no, I gave in. It about killed me. Without going into too much detail I will say that I had to stop.

We do live together and recently moved into a strange town which hasn’t given me much time to make any relationships with those at my church. That is why I am coming to all of you.
I could use a lot of support and advice. I want to strive to become the best version of myself as Matthew Kelly would say. I want to be better! Please keep me in your prayers.

Thank you.

-Francis
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Good day sir

I took some time to read your post here above and thought that you are actually in a really descent position paranoia aside.
The Eucharist in the Catholic church is HOLY but if your not following the commandments your not receiving anything anyway, you maybe shouldn’t dismiss her leanings too the protestant church entirely, solar scripture is more helpful than mans teaching …

OH and calm down about not being able too resist The Devils Knocking ( sorry ) : ) Man is not so POWERFUL be kind too yourself and her… ________________________________________________ : )
 
Thank you all for your responses and support. It is probably one of the most challenging things I have faced when it comes to being diciplined and saying no to the desires of the flesh.
 
Vic_Taltrees_UK said:
I’m praying that the local church folks will be there for you both. Would people of your girlfriend’s type of “churchmanship” be prepared to help support your morale in addition to any Catholics, provided they wouldn’t pressure you not to turn Catholic (and were easy with your staying away from their sacraments)?
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I am sure that her fellow chuch members would be just as supportive in this cause. Although she doesn’t keep in contact with many of them since her home church is located in Michigan and we now live in Ohio.
Since our move she has been attending Catholic mass with me.
 
As far as I can read, you are exactly on the right track, though it may feel differently. Your girlfriend attends Mass with you, you are getting closer to God by prayer and actions.

However, I think (and personally experienced) that our body sometimes needs a longer time to convert than our soul.

There are two options out of this:
->Break up with this woman. She is not catholic, and being with her leads you to temptation. Judging from your own story, that would be the bad step: It’s not God making you feel unworthy. It’s the bad spirit (as far as I can see - but I’ve been in your situation more or less).
->Keep following the way forward that you are already taking. Not relenting in trying to purify yourself (and more important, allowing God to purify you). Keep praying, and keep looking toward the goal. Go to confession often, even though you know you’ll make the same mistake. Everyone has a sin that returns EVERY confession. Disregard your weakness. Meaning: If you during the day think back on your falls, stop feeling sorry and reward yourself with positive thoughts, a prayer or looking at a picture of your girlfriend and/or of Jesus.

Do you pray with your girlfriend? Do you plan to indeed live separate as brother and sister? How is your view of catholic faith?

Hang on, you’re getting there. In a few months you’ll be thinking back about this time and thanking God for taking you on this road.
 
First of all I may say what a blessing this is that you’re responding to the graces that God is giving you and making your way back. From what it sounds like you have a good conviction to remain chaste. Even if you fail sometimes. Keep struggling and keep pressing on hard.

When you say you felt like it almost killed you I have to wonder if you felt that blow in your heart. The blow of the life of the Holy Spirit being evicted from you. It is a sad depressing feeling.

Find comfort in the Mercy of God but don’t take it for granted as that can become tempting to do.

You must do your best and fight to keep God within you. I’m no doctor (my disclaimer) but there is an herb monks used back in the day to help keep chaste called chaste tree berry, aka vitex, aka monks pepper. It helps with chastity. I take it sometimes and it helps me with my anger as well. I’ve noticed both my anger decrease and those attraction passion “spikes” decrease as well. Just food for thought.
 
Louman127 said:
First of all I may say what a blessing this is that you’re responding to the graces that God is giving you and making your way back. From what it sounds like you have a good conviction to remain chaste. Even if you fail sometimes. Keep struggling and keep pressing on hard.

When you say you felt like it almost killed you I have to wonder if you felt that blow in your heart. The blow of the life of the Holy Spirit being evicted from you. It is a sad depressing feeling.

Find comfort in the Mercy of God but don’t take it for granted as that can become tempting to do.

You must do your best and fight to keep God within you. I’m no doctor (my disclaimer) but there is an herb monks used back in the day to help keep chaste called chaste tree berry, aka vitex, aka monks pepper. It helps with chastity. I take it sometimes and it helps me with my anger as well. I’ve noticed both my anger decrease and those attraction passion “spikes” decrease as well. Just food for thought.
Click to expand...
Might I ask where you purchase chaste tree berry or vitex?
 
Samwise1 said:
As far as I can read, you are exactly on the right track, though it may feel differently. Your girlfriend attends Mass with you, you are getting closer to God by prayer and actions.

However, I think (and personally experienced) that our body sometimes needs a longer time to convert than our soul.

There are two options out of this:
->Break up with this woman. She is not catholic, and being with her leads you to temptation. Judging from your own story, that would be the bad step: It’s not God making you feel unworthy. It’s the bad spirit (as far as I can see - but I’ve been in your situation more or less).
->Keep following the way forward that you are already taking. Not relenting in trying to purify yourself (and more important, allowing God to purify you). Keep praying, and keep looking toward the goal. Go to confession often, even though you know you’ll make the same mistake. Everyone has a sin that returns EVERY confession. Disregard your weakness. Meaning: If you during the day think back on your falls, stop feeling sorry and reward yourself with positive thoughts, a prayer or looking at a picture of your girlfriend and/or of Jesus.

Do you pray with your girlfriend? Do you plan to indeed live separate as brother and sister? How is your view of catholic faith?

Hang on, you’re getting there. In a few months you’ll be thinking back about this time and thanking God for taking you on this road.
Click to expand...
I really do appreciate your response. Your support is tremendously helpful!

My girlfriend and I do pray together usually before meals and before we go to bed.
As for living separate as brother and sister, I am not so sure about that. She is pregnant at the moment and due in January. I could see maybe not sleeping together but I don’t see any real benefit to living apart with a child.

Might you be willing to elaborate on what you mean by “my view of the Catholic faith”?
 
Hey Francis, sorry, I wasn’t clear in these two things:
  1. Living together, I still mean in the same house yes.
  2. I meant her view of catholic faith
 
Francis_W28 said:
Might I ask where you purchase chaste tree berry or vitex?
Click to expand...
Any health food or Vitamin store should have it. Also online, Amazon, etc. They should come in 400mg capsules. But make sure its 400mg per capsule and not 40mg. I accidentally bought 40mg and it was diluted with rice flour so I threw it out.
 
Samwise1 said:
Hey Francis, sorry, I wasn’t clear in these two things:
  1. Living together, I still mean in the same house yes.
  2. I meant her view of catholic faith
Click to expand...
Yes Samwise1 we do both plan to live as brother and sister. Although I am not entirely sure what that means besides abstaining from sex. I might need clarification from my pastor.

As far as I can tell, she has a very unbiased view of the Catholic Church. She attends mass with me as often as her work schedule allows. In fact she hasn’t attended any other sort of Christian church service since she met me. We both study the Bible out of an Ignatius Catholic Bible study book and listen to Catholic Answers as well as Lighthouse Catholic Media quite frequently.
She even attended a Joy of the Gospel book study with me once or twice.
So I would say her view is an open one. When conversion is mentioned though or whether or not our son should be baptized Catholic she isn’t as open to either idea.
 
Louman127 said:
Any health food or Vitamin store should have it. Also online, Amazon, etc. They should come in 400mg capsules. But make sure its 400mg per capsule and not 40mg. I accidentally bought 40mg and it was diluted with rice flour so I threw it out.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much Louman127, I was able to find it.
 
Sexual temptation can be one of the greatest temptations all humans face. Do not have fear and do not feel ashamed if and when you have failed, God knows that you feel remorse for your actions. Just by posting on these forums it can be seen by us that you feel remorse. I more than completely understand the temptation you feel, especially when you live together with your spouse to be. When in such close proximity, it is hard not fail. However I give you this advice my friend, when the thought comes to mind and you feel tempted, that instant think of Christ and remember all that He has done for you.

God Bless
-Thomas 🙂
 
Temptation of the flesh is very, very difficult. Everyone struggles with it. I struggled with it for a very long time. Everyone falls. When I feel tempted, I either think of Jesus and how much it will offend Him or pick up my Bible and start reading. You need to find something that takes your mind off of it…a hobby, reading the Bible, meditating on Christ’s Passion, saying the Rosary, praying…ANYTHING that will take your mind off of it until the temptation passes.

Don’t get discouraged. We are all sinners. Ask God to give you strength in your time of need.

God Bless
 
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