Stuck in sadness

[JustinK]

Hey there,

I apologize for the length of this. I have to split it up. I tend to write a lot when I have a lot on my mind. Scroll down to the bottom and I will summarize this as best as I can.

I am 25 years old and struggling with a few issues. I am severely confused and in need of guidance. Allow me to give you guys some context:

I grew up Catholic. I was raised in a Catholic home and went to Catholic school until college. Everything was pretty much fine with my faith until college hit.

As many of you know, college is filled with people of different backgrounds and beliefs. I guess part of me just had a culture shock coming from a Catholic high school. It made me want to experience life.

However, I have always been really shy. And I have always, always wanted to be something more than I am. My greatest attribute is my humor. I love making people laugh. But, my shyness has always stopped me from really getting out there and enjoying life.

I have also always had problems with girls. Anytime one shows the slightest interest in me, I fall for them. I have gotten a lot better with this throughout the years.

I met a girl through a mutual friend about five years ago. We had stopped contact after I couldn’t tell her what my thoughts were. I remember the hurt I felt when I found out that she wasn’t a virgin. She had given something away that she could not get back. And she likes sex. As most people do nowadays.

But I really loved talking to her. I would go across campus in the snow just to call her. (My phone didn’t have the best reception.) She made me feel happy. She’s pretty and not afraid to live her live. Which is why I think I still am so attached to her.

Anyway, we basically stopped talking for five years now. But, I still want to talk to her again. I am in the process of getting a phone and she is more than willing to hear from me. I am afraid to hear her voice, so much so that I can’t hear it through my friend’s computer. I want to. I just don’t want to fall for her again. I know I will, though.

I don’t want to feel like I can’t love her. I don’t want to feel like I can’t even be her friend. There was a time when she was having a panic attack and she tried calling me, but my phone was left in my room and it was apart from falling off my bed. I still wonder where we would be if I had been there for her to see her through that.

Another one of my biggest issues has been overthinking everything. I had the hardest time when I was a freshman looking at girls and feeling really bad for doing so. I beat myself up about it. Because I had looked at the Catechism and it had told me that was intrinsically evil. I started to become really depressed. It literally hurt to live. It took me awhile, but after talking to my high school counselor and my mom, I found some good advice.

My overthinking has come back however. I am not sure what started it. But let me tell you, it is the single worst feeling in the entire world. There is a hurt deep down and it doesn’t go away. I have had a few breakdowns in the past few days and it really is not good.

I came on these forums to try to get some answers. ‘Is this a sin’ ‘Is that a sin?’ I had a few talks with some Catholics about my feelings. They told me that if I don’t learn some self-acceptance, I am going to hate myself my whole life.

But I learned that suffering is good. That we are made to be more than human. That this life is temporary and we should focus on Heaven.

So, I am stuck between living the life I want to or suffering silently.

I recently watched a video that stated, ‘Don’t ask if something’s a sin, ask if it helps you run. Does it help you become more holy, more patient, more kind, more loving, more humble?’ This directly applies to my overthinking.

Here is the video: youtube.com/watch?v=0elhYaESJkY.

My thinking about things to the point where I can’t even smile or talk to people or laugh or play video games or enjoy life like I used to. Everything just feels like it’s a sin. And I feel extremely judgmental. Like I can’t hang out with friends or live at all. Or miss out on a life before I ever developed an identity. I never used to be like this. It doesn’t help me run in any direction. I am stuck.

I thought this was Satan at first, but why would he want me to be more holy and deny myself? I also thought: Why would he want to make me question religion, even if it leads me to a life that’s full of love. Because that is rejecting the believe of Jesus and Satan is hate.

My overthinking about this stops me from being happy. It stops me from loving people. It stops me from finding joy in life and passing that joy onto others. If that’s not a work of Satan, I don’t know what is.

I struggle with a lot of concepts of the Church. I am told we just have to accept. We don’t have a choice.

I firmly believe in love. I believe in the Beatitudes. But that’s not enough, right? I have to believe more. I believe in Cor. 13:13. ‘And the greatest of these is love.’ I believe in Heaven and hell. I believe a man named Jesus walked this Earth.

Through this time of sadness, I have learned a few depressing things. I read on here a discussion which asked, ‘Would you do _____ if it wasn’t a sin?’ This made me ask myself what I would do if there was no sin. I would live. Isn’t that sad?

I have also learned that it isn’t too hard to be a holy person. You just have to deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow what the Church says. I don’t have to do this sin or that sin, I choose to.

Is it bad to question your faith? Is it bad to look for other ways to God?

My mom tells me everyone is on their own faith journey. Maybe I am just confused about religion at this time. Maybe I just need to stop overthinking every little thing that comes into my head. I feel like that would help me be a happier person, and let me extend that happiness to others.

 

[JustinK]

I tend to live with a lot of guilt. Because I am a human, I guess. During my Junior year of high school, I confessed something that had been on my heart for 9 years prior to that. It was a deep, dark sexual sin. I didn’t really go into detail with the priest because it was hard for me and I figured God knew how much I hurt and cried over it through the years. My point is, I didn’t feel forgiven. Which led me to ask myself if I was truly sorry.

I was sorry, but at the same time, I learned from my transgression. I learned what not to do. I’m not trying to give some explanation as to why sins can be helpful in a way. They are a turning away from God after all. I’m just trying to examine my thoughts.

Can somebody clarify God’s forgiveness? If we are human, and we are inclined to sin, we are literally born with the inherent want to sin, and we know it’s bad, but we do it anyway. What does that say about us? I mean, some people don’t know it’s wrong. Some people could care less. But not us, we know it’s wrong. And ‘once you learn the truth, you cannot deviate from it.’

Is an imperfect contrition truly enough to be forgiven? Even if you’re not sorry, you just fear hell? I know nearly all of my sins I will do over and over again. But I do fear hell for eternity.

Do you know the saying, ‘Don’t say you’re sorry, just don’t do it again.’ Does that apply to confession? I can see myself doing the same things over and over again. Yet, we’re supposed to become more holy each time and learn from our past mistakes. It seems a bit abstract to me.

If God truly loves us with an unconditional love, why doesn’t He love us when we sin?

Are we allowed to enjoy anything in this life knowing that everything is temporary and a path to sin. (Indulging in videogames/food. Idolizing celebrities or money. Enjoying physical closeness with another person. Partaking in man-made items such as being happy when we get a new television or car or having a birthday party.) Every one of these is an occasion to sin. So why do anything? Well, to train us in humility, right? To help us be more than human. To rise above.

 

[JustinK]

I feel like I focus on the negative aspects of religion more than the positives.

The most crippling aspect of this sadness is the fact that I cannot talk to anyone about it. This is what happened when I had issues with lust as well. If I talk to a priest, he’s going to tell me that questioning is good. If I talk to a therapist, they’re going to tell me that questioning is bad and just live. If I talk to my close friends, they won’t understand because they’re not Catholic. So, I am just stuck here in this overthinking. I am sad. I feel like I cannot live. I know it’s not about me. And I don’t need to be told I am selfish for thinking that it is. But it is the life God gave me. And I’d rather enjoy it in happiness and love than just be questioning every little thing that I do. Because then I end up in a ball in my bed consumed by it. And my ability to smile, laugh, or love is gone.

It scares me to want to date a girl and marry her while overanalyzing every aspect of the relationship. I know a time might come where my wife may want kids. And I know I don’t want them now simply because I don’t wish to confuse them as much as I am confused. Because if they ever have questions, I don’t want to tell them to just accept. I do not wish this on my worst enemy.

I am reminded of a song called ‘Love me for me.’ The lyrics go something like this, ‘Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become? Who will love me for me? Because nobody has shown me what love really means.’ It’s about God’s love for us. Yet it always makes me cry. Because I feel he doesn’t love me. Because I sometimes don’t believe. The song goes onto say, ‘He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone, he’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done. He utters a cry from the depths of his soul, Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home. Then he hears a voice, somewhere deep inside, and it says I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied. And I’ve watched you suffer all of your life, but now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I will love you for you.’

There’s also another song that goes like, ‘You are more than the choices that you make, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you’ve been remade.’

See, I know God loves me. Yet it feels like He doesn’t. Why love something that doesn’t love back? I don’t always agree with everything the Church teaches. I feel like some sins are experiences. I know the majority of you are going to tell me the opposite to try to save my soul. Do you believe someone can murder their whole life and just turn to God at the time of his death, and someone who does good his whole life with nothing but love in his heart without a believe in Jesus will go to hell?

I believe that someone who murders and lies likely doesn’t see anything wrong with it, thus won’t turn to God. The same way a person who doesn’t truly believe won’t see anything wrong with living how they want to up to their death.

I recently had a revelation about Jesus that made me understand Him a bit more. He died for our sins and SO WE CAN SIN. Let me explain. He knew we would sin, but he died for them even though he knew we would still do it. It just made me feel like he loved me like a friend. ‘Yea, buddy. I know you sin, but I still love you.’

I recently had a talk with an Atheist. Interesting guy. He told me that he believes death is a blank space. To live in the here and now. Yet, we are told there is Heaven waiting for us, so we’re able to rejoice and he’s not?

Do the phrases ‘the suffering of this life’ and ‘taking up your cross’ refer to the suffering caused by the teachings of the Church. The struggle to believe? The intense want to be yourself?

 

[JustinK]

I often wonder how some Catholics live with the guilt they cause themselves over whether or not something’s bad or good, right or wrong. But like I said, guilt is good so we know what’s wrong, right?

I am going to wrap this up, as it has become a rant in a way.

I am confused. I wish I could actually talk to people so as to be there for them. I wish I could love them without any judgment. I overthink and overanalyze a lot. I wish I could find a way to stop this. Would medication be an option? I wish I could acknowledge I am loved even though nearly all of the experiences in this life are going to be sinful. It’s hard to see a way out and I would like some guidance. Should I talk to my mom? She’s a Catholic and she raised me in the faith.

I rarely pray for myself as it seems incredibly selfish, but can you pray for me? I know what I’ve been told my whole life, but I can’t help but feel conditioned by it at times. Pray that my mind becomes silent. So that I can live again. So that I can smile, and laugh, and make other people smile and laugh. Because at this rate, it feels like the gravest of sins to participate in this life. At all. And I know God wouldn’t want me to stop living or loving. Pray that my judging attitude of late stops. I want to see people as people again, not sinners condemned. I want to see them as potential friends and I want to be able to love them as God says he loves me.

Thanks for reading this. And thank you for any and all responses. I hope you all have a great day!

 

[Convert1]

I have five children. All of them struggled immensely as young adults. The overwhelming barrage of sexual image and decadence is common-place in our society making it very difficult to follow our spiritual teachings. Your post sounds like more than this to me. You are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs attention. Please go meet with and talk at length with your priest and consider perhaps speaking to a professional counselor. I will pray for you. God Bless You for the courage it took to post your feelings.

 

[Irishmom2]

Justin, I will pray for you. I am a mom, and I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better, but your post is very long, and I don’t know where to start.

But know that God always loves you, hears you, is with you and forgives you.

I think you are right, you need to stop overthinking things. You are old enough to know what is really a sin. If you sin, go to confession. It is not meant to keep you from living life, but rather, from sinning.

Honestly, I think you are looking for this girl from 5 years ago to be your answer, and she cannot be. You have to be your own answer. I think you are looking for her to fill a void…

I think maybe you would benefit from spiritual direction. Or maybe even Catholic counseling. Not forever, but just until you get a handle on how you feel. Talk to your pastor for help in finding a good Catholic counselor.

Please feel free to send me a private message if you wish. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[jaimeleglise]

It’s not that suffering is good, it the patient acceptance of trials that helps us grow in holiness.

You would benefit from speaking to a professional. You seem to suffer from anxiety and depression. There is no shame in that, I suffer from it too. Remember God loves you and wants you to be happy. Do not bring unnecessary suffering on yourself by over thinking negative thoughts.

Praying for you. God bless you.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you & your family.

 

[Bill_Martin]

Your post really hit me hard because it’s nearly word for word what I have been dealing with for a couple years now. Only difference is that instead of guilt for sin, in my case it’s a feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness as a human being due to many medical issues. I really have only 1 friend and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to get out and do things, I would be in a terrible place right now.

I don’t have any advice because I’m still struggling with this myself, but I can definitely commiserate and pray for you.

 

[ClearWater]

I tend to live with a lot of guilt. Because I am a human, I guess. During my Junior year of high school, I confessed something that had been on my heart for 9 years prior to that. It was a deep, dark sexual sin. I didn’t really go into detail with the priest because it was hard for me and I figured God knew how much I hurt and cried over it through the years. My point is, I didn’t feel forgiven. Which led me to ask myself if I was truly sorry.

I was sorry, but at the same time, I learned from my transgression. I learned what not to do. I’m not trying to give some explanation as to why sins can be helpful in a way. They are a turning away from God after all. I’m just trying to examine my thoughts.

Can somebody clarify God’s forgiveness? If we are human, and we are inclined to sin, we are literally born with the inherent want to sin, and we know it’s bad, but we do it anyway. What does that say about us? I mean, some people don’t know it’s wrong. Some people could care less. But not us, we know it’s wrong. And ‘once you learn the truth, you cannot deviate from it.’

Is an imperfect contrition truly enough to be forgiven? Even if you’re not sorry, you just fear hell? I know nearly all of my sins I will do over and over again. But I do fear hell for eternity.

Do you know the saying, ‘Don’t say you’re sorry, just don’t do it again.’ Does that apply to confession? I can see myself doing the same things over and over again. Yet, we’re supposed to become more holy each time and learn from our past mistakes. It seems a bit abstract to me.

If God truly loves us with an unconditional love, why doesn’t He love us when we sin?

Are we allowed to enjoy anything in this life knowing that everything is temporary and a path to sin. (Indulging in videogames/food. Idolizing celebrities or money. Enjoying physical closeness with another person. Partaking in man-made items such as being happy when we get a new television or car or having a birthday party.) Every one of these is an occasion to sin. So why do anything? Well, to train us in humility, right? To help us be more than human. To rise above.

There’s a movie I’d like you to see. It’s called, “The Night Shift”. It’s probably Rated R, but it has a message. It’s about someone who has really low self esteem and self worth, is shy, will allow everyone to just walk all over him.

I have struggled with shyness, myself, and I missed out on a bunch of things because of it.

Look back into your past. Ask yourself WHY you are shy. What is the root of all this. For me, I think it started when I was put down a lot, and I began to internalize that. Revisit whatever the beginning was. Realize that that was then, and this is now.

If you are shy, you may need to learn assertiveness. A counselor may be able to help one learn assertiveness, being able to ask for things we need, help.

By all means, pray for yourself. Include yourself when you are being good to folks. In fact, start with yourself, and work your way out.

As to guilt, I find it mostly unhelpful, and potentially poisonous. What good can possibly come from it? Wallowing in guilt changes nothing. Regret can be helpful, though. When you make a mistake, have the humility to acknowledge it, and, if helpful/necessary, apologize. Then, MOVE ON. Do NOT get stuck there, wondering if you’re forgiven. Have a little faith.

As long as you are stuck in the past, a prisoner of guilt, you can’t be in the present, much less look to the future. In AA, they have a saying, “Yesterday is a cancelled check”. They tell people to make amends where possible, and then keeping rolling forward.
“Water under the bridge”…

If you can’t let things go, then it might have crossed a line into scrupulosity.

Here’s an example of scrupulosity…mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity.htm

Counseling can possibly be helpful, and if necessary, a counselor would refer you for medication.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ClearWater]

Oh yeah, lastly, enjoy your life…enjoy physical closeness…eating, drinking. Yes, it’s allowed. That is to say, if you are eating cake, enjoy that, etc.

 

[truthquester]

Did you know that excessive guilt and over-thinking and over processing things are a big sign of depression and/or anxiety? Sometimes depression can be caused by something physical like low thyroid so it is good to get a check up.

Also, I once suffered quite a bit from depression like I was in some kind of a cycle until I learned that it was actually beneficial in the long run. While in the depression, it feels like it will never end, trust me, it gets better.

The point: My faith was actually strengthened and I now find myself much more able to deal with just about anything that life has to offer and find myself even wondering how I ever felt so bad in the first place. God is always with you, that is one of his promises and he has a plan for your life filled with hope and good things. It’s all in the getting there and you will be all the better for it in the long run.

Praying that you will know this to be true: Jeremiah 29:11-15

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for abundance and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord

 

[JustinK]

I have five children. All of them struggled immensely as young adults. The overwhelming barrage of sexual image and decadence is common-place in our society making it very difficult to follow our spiritual teachings. Your post sounds like more than this to me. You are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs attention. Please go meet with and talk at length with your priest and consider perhaps speaking to a professional counselor. I will pray for you. God Bless You for the courage it took to post your feelings.

It’s extremely difficult. I have always had a lot of unneeded anxiety. The therapists in my past have helped me in easing some fears in regards to sexual feeling mainly. But I can’t help but feel now that since they were secular… They mean well and the understand the mind, but they are not fearing for their souls like a Catholic would be. However, a priest will surely give me a black and white answer.

I talked to my high school counselor when I had issues in college related to looking at girls and thinking lustful thoughts. It got so bad that I would call myself a predator, when all I was doing was a more than natural action. She told me that as long as I don’t grab them, make them uncomfortable, or cause them unease, then I am fine. It helped me feel a bit better, knowing that she was Catholic but also understood what it is to be human.

How long did you children take to get out of their struggles?

Thank you for your post and well wishes.

 

[JustinK]

Justin, I will pray for you. I am a mom, and I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better, but your post is very long, and I don’t know where to start.

But know that God always loves you, hears you, is with you and forgives you.

I think you are right, you need to stop overthinking things. You are old enough to know what is really a sin. If you sin, go to confession. It is not meant to keep you from living life, but rather, from sinning.

Honestly, I think you are looking for this girl from 5 years ago to be your answer, and she cannot be. You have to be your own answer. I think you are looking for her to fill a void…

I think maybe you would benefit from spiritual direction. Or maybe even Catholic counseling. Not forever, but just until you get a handle on how you feel. Talk to your pastor for help in finding a good Catholic counselor.

Please feel free to send me a private message if you wish. May God bless you and guide you.

I am looking for her to fill a void. But that’s because I miss talking with her. She’s also representative of what I have always wanted to be. The thing that attracted me most to her is that she was real. I have always had issues with girls. But going out of a high school that taught the faith, she seemed to be one the first person to have her own mind. Not one formed with any type of religious doctrines. Religion is not a bad thing, but overthinking it is. I am proof of that. She was a representation of freedom from overthinking for me. And she liked talking to me. Which, is always what gets me the most attached to people. The attention.

Overthinking things seems to be at the core of Apologetics. That was a class we took at my high school. Basically, it’s how Catholics defend their religion. It was literally analyzing sins via the Catholicism. It wasn’t until after high school that I had such anxiety. Most likely due to a vast differing of beliefs found in college. I had escaped my Catholic ‘bubble’ that I had grew up with my whole life. The same friends and the same teachings all of the sudden got replaced with new friends and new teachings.

I am honestly afraid Catholic counseling will hinder me and make me look even deeper into my actions. But, I’ll look into it. A friend at work got diagnosed as bipolar. He told me that his counselor tailored their approach to someone’s specific beliefs. Which is pretty cool. I may look into it.

I apologize for not messaging in private, I just figured that this post might be better here to give more people a glimpse of the thought process I have. I might take you up on that at some point, though.

Thank you for your reply and guidance.

 

[JustinK]

It’s not that suffering is good, it the patient acceptance of trials that helps us grow in holiness.

You would benefit from speaking to a professional. You seem to suffer from anxiety and depression. There is no shame in that, I suffer from it too. Remember God loves you and wants you to be happy. Do not bring unnecessary suffering on yourself by over thinking negative thoughts.

Praying for you. God bless you.

I can understand that. The trials we face help us to overcome future trials and grow for the better.

I have spoken to a few professionals before. I have a lot of anxiety. No, there’s no shame in it. Everybody has their own issues. God loves me. But what does it mean to be happy? I’m not sure I can be happy without sinning on occasion. As to be completely honest, my sins are some of the things that make me happy. They are learned behaviors mixed with innate desire. I just hate feeling that I am a bad person because of this. And if my overthinking stops me from living, what’s the point in it?

Thank you for your reply and prayers.

 

[JustinK]

Praying for you & your family.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[JustinK]

Your post really hit me hard because it’s nearly word for word what I have been dealing with for a couple years now. Only difference is that instead of guilt for sin, in my case it’s a feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness as a human being due to many medical issues. I really have only 1 friend and if it wasn’t for her pushing me to get out and do things, I would be in a terrible place right now.

I don’t have any advice because I’m still struggling with this myself, but I can definitely commiserate and pray for you.

I am glad you are able to relate to my words.

I have some medical issues too. Namely, mild cerebral palsy and a speech impairment. Because of this, I have often felt inadequate in social settings. My disorder hinders my balance. So when I was a kid, I would constantly fall when trying to ride a bike. I never learned how. I remember wanting to be like all the other two wheeler kids.

I wish I could sing well. Singing is one of my favorite things to do. But because of my speech, it doesn’t sound anything like it does in my head. Yet, I still sing.

Everyone has an issue with something. Let me tell you, you are not worthless or inadequate. Medical issues are just that, medical issues. I didn’t ask for mine, I was born with them. But, I take it one day at a time and more often than not, I find acceptance because I am being myself.

I am glad you have someone to push you. I can relate to being in some terrible places.

Thank you for your reply and prayers.

 

[JustinK]

There’s a movie I’d like you to see. It’s called, “The Night Shift”. It’s probably Rated R, but it has a message. It’s about someone who has really low self esteem and self worth, is shy, will allow everyone to just walk all over him.

I have struggled with shyness, myself, and I missed out on a bunch of things because of it.

Look back into your past. Ask yourself WHY you are shy. What is the root of all this. For me, I think it started when I was put down a lot, and I began to internalize that. Revisit whatever the beginning was. Realize that that was then, and this is now.

If you are shy, you may need to learn assertiveness. A counselor may be able to help one learn assertiveness, being able to ask for things we need, help.

By all means, pray for yourself. Include yourself when you are being good to folks. In fact, start with yourself, and work your way out.

As to guilt, I find it mostly unhelpful, and potentially poisonous. What good can possibly come from it? Wallowing in guilt changes nothing. Regret can be helpful, though. When you make a mistake, have the humility to acknowledge it, and, if helpful/necessary, apologize. Then, MOVE ON. Do NOT get stuck there, wondering if you’re forgiven. Have a little faith.

As long as you are stuck in the past, a prisoner of guilt, you can’t be in the present, much less look to the future. In AA, they have a saying, “Yesterday is a cancelled check”. They tell people to make amends where possible, and then keeping rolling forward.
“Water under the bridge”…

If you can’t let things go, then it might have crossed a line into scrupulosity.

Here’s an example of scrupulosity…mission.liguori.org/newsletters/scrupulosity.htm

Counseling can possibly be helpful, and if necessary, a counselor would refer you for medication.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Is that the one with Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton? I may watch it sometime. I know what it’s like to be a door-mat. In fact, I consider it to be one of my greatest attributes. Most people will not let you walk on them. I will. Because I can take it. It sucks when people take advantage of it, though.

I can relate to missing out on things. The reason I am shy most likely has to do with leaving class to go to speech therapy. Not feeling ‘normal’. Like everybody else. I think we do tend to internalize it to the point we think we cannot change it. Growing up with the same people from elementary through high school, I often wished I could just break out of my shell and be myself.

I haven’t been good at asking for help. This also is related to my past. I spent my time in PT and OT for awhile. It got to the point where I just wanted to do things on my own. Even in high school, I had ‘special treatment’ because it takes me awhile to write. I believe this is why I prefer not asking for help.

Guilt is a poison. But we learned it is good. It helps us grow in holiness or as a person. What I struggle with most in regards to this teaching is constantly beating yourself up over being human is not good at all. I had someone tell me, ‘If you don’t learn some self-acceptance, you’re going to hate yourself your whole life.’ This is true. But I feel like I am not allowed to learn self-acceptance. Because that means accepting myself as a human. And we must strive to be more.

This is where I’m stuck. I don’t feel good enough even though I know I have a good heart and my intentions are in the right place. Because what’s the point of saying sorry if you’re not truly sorry. Why apologize for living and loving, and sometimes falling, if that’s literally what we grow up with.

I think that saying is good. Move on, Look forward, Live.

I have been looking into Scrupulosity a lot lately. I tend to think venial sins are mortal sins. And mortal sins are unforgivable. Mostly because the only reason I confess them is for fear of hell. This is known as an imperfect contrition and supposedly is okay. They still make me feel bad, though.

My counselor had a saying that bugged me. ‘Just because something’s normal, does not make it okay.’ This irritated me because all I ever wanted to be is a normal person, but that’s not okay? I was of course referring to people making remarks about girls in passing. You know the type. I’m not saying I would say those things, or even wanted to. I just wanted it to feel okay to think about. If that makes sense.

The last counselor I had told me I had Aspergers. And he thought I should have asked him if I had that or not. Needless to say, I stopped going to that one. Though a symptom of the disorder is extreme focus. Maybe my extreme focus is on religion.

Thank you for your reply and well wishes.

 

[JustinK]

Oh yeah, lastly, enjoy your life…enjoy physical closeness…eating, drinking. Yes, it’s allowed. That is to say, if you are eating cake, enjoy that, etc.

Oh, I also meant to ask you something about your quote.

In high school, we learned that the Catechism is absolute truth and rejecting it is rejecting what God says. I sometimes wish I had no knowledge of some of the things I know. Because once you learn them, you cannot unlearn them.

This is my greatest struggle with religion. Once you know something’s a sin, you are culpable. But if you don’t know it’s a sin, you are not culpable. It’s something known as Invincible Ignorance. So people that don’t believe and never seek put any kind of truth because they don’t believe still get the same reward, simply for being ignorant.

This is why I need to stop looking so far into everything. It is going to drive me crazy with paranoia and fear.

So, your quote. “There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.”

The majority of people live by society. And reject anything to do with religion. Yet, how do you know what’s true?

I recently read a question on how to know the Catholic Church is the true Church. I was surprised at what the Apologist replied with: Faith. So, you can have faith in anything, that doesn’t make it any less true.

Sorry, I’m getting off track. It’s 3 in the morning. I just appreciate all these replies so much and I feel that talking it out is helping me. If not for the simple fact that I can finally talk about it.

 

[JustinK]

Did you know that excessive guilt and over-thinking and over processing things are a big sign of depression and/or anxiety? Sometimes depression can be caused by something physical like low thyroid so it is good to get a check up.

Also, I once suffered quite a bit from depression like I was in some kind of a cycle until I learned that it was actually beneficial in the long run. While in the depression, it feels like it will never end, trust me, it gets better.

The point: My faith was actually strengthened and I now find myself much more able to deal with just about anything that life has to offer and find myself even wondering how I ever felt so bad in the first place. God is always with you, that is one of his promises and he has a plan for your life filled with hope and good things. It’s all in the getting there and you will be all the better for it in the long run.

Praying that you will know this to be true: Jeremiah 29:11-15

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for abundance and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord

I have no doubt that I have anxiety/depression. However, isn’t a thinking Catholic a good thing? I admit, I do tend to blow things up. But for good reason. Yet it feels like we cannot be truly human because of how blown up the ‘grave matter’ speech is. This is where I have issues.

I am depressed. And it does feel like it will never end for the simple fact that I will never stop being human and falling and being told what I do is morally wrong.

I agree that life is a journey and we need to look ahead.

Thank you for that prayer and passage. I agree that He knows we will do good. Then that little voice in my head tells me, ‘Seeking Him with all your heart will only lead to more questioning and more overthinking. Why not just love?’

Perhaps this analyzing everything is Satan trying to get me to not live any kind of a life. But why would he want me to lead a life of love and happiness? It’s quite contradictory.

I appreciate your kind words and prayers.