If you are identified as scrupulous by a confessor, anxieties may be at play. I may get excited and physically aroused by filming a squirrel, but I am not attracted to squirrels (like this guy in this show who gets like that if embraced for any reason by anyone he may not be attracted to for 5 seconds). If the same thing happens if I saw a naked woman, would I be sexually aroused or just accidentally aroused? You might hoard things, due to an obsessive compulsiveness and wonder if you’re just greedy.
If you stay away from Holy Communion because of these concerns, it could be justified or it could be that you need Jesus. You can never tell. It’s said you should forgive yourself if God forgives you, but do you ever feel, if scrupulous, that you made a good confession? Not often, especially if you have any bad habits. Did you have a good enough resolve not to sin again? You never feel you were forgiven and so you’re still stuck not forgiving yourself and you can fall into a despair of not ever going to get better, thus resulting in bad habits starting or continuing. You don’t feel you’ll ever get it right, so you just try to keep living, if you have any hope of salvation left, with sanitizer bottles, but, at the same time, you can engage in self-destructive habits. It’s like two forces fighting each other in you and you wonder if your self-destructive habits (like sleep debt) is really damnable slow suicide.
God may not seem to you be your judge (while alive) or out to get you, but you have probably screwed up too many times and God is letting you damn yourself (as His mercy is infinite, but acts of it are finite) and you feel you will not be receptive enough to salvific grace before your dying breath.
It’s hard to know what you know about The Faith and not know what God wants of you, especially if you don’t really know any priests (the ones you’ve met seem too technical or too liberal) people you meet don’t really know people you need to know, and you don’t know any loved ones who are the type that watches EWTN or go to a Latin Mass. I don’t have enough faith in God or myself (I’ve always been a worrier) to start an apostolate, so it’s pretty much fear (but not the fear and trembling kind) and loathing (switching between myself and certain others, sometimes complaining here and then wondering if I backbited) in KC. On top of that, some anti-scrupulosity types will say not having joy in your heart is a sin. Great! Of what severity is it?
I’m hoping Madonna House will be helpful, but the daily Mass part is going to be rough on one who can’t decide if he should go to Holy Communion.
