Hi MaryBeloved: I understand your suffering, and feel a connection to you through your experience that you’ve having. You know, everything happens for a reason. Whether we like it or not, we get what we need right when we need it. This includes trials of faith and even catastrophe. But ultimately, any views where we conceptualize God with the mind turns about to be a hoax in a sense. It’s a hoax of our own making, not of God’s making. It’s just the mind trying compartmentalize things using a conditioned order from the world of form in which it operates. While the world of form is an epiphenomenon of God’s consciousness, and while God is present throughout creation, God’s consciousness, while permeating the world of form, is independent of it, and beyond comprehension within it’s limited parameters.
But rest assured that even if you came to be committed to a position that God didn’t exist, everything else you can perceive around you does exist, at least at the level permitted by sentient experience. So, if we come to realize that God is present in all things, and is in fact the inmost self of all things, this is the same as there being no God really. We come to understand that there is no separate being that we might imagine on a jewel encrusted throne attended by cherubs from the ceiling of Liberace’s bedroom. He is simply the being at the heart of this thing and that, or the super-conscious presence in all things. He is also their cause, as well as that which guides the complex interplay between the endless variety of His expressions throughout the cosmos that we seem to experience as being separate. What we commonly call consciousness is really only sentience. Consciousness is far beyond that. Until we become aligned with that consciousness, we are only able to perceive Him in the world around us. I think this is why Jesus told His disciples that He was in the bread and wine. Basically, it is an invocation to “see Me in all things.” This is because He truly is all things, including the bread and wine. So rather than there being no God, it turns out that really there is none but Him. One who sees this truth never dies (as He promised), because they are present with and one with the cyclical and unending flow of life, and therefore freed from the illusion of death. From there, he can be felt even in the breath, or perhaps His presence or being espied in the heart of a person who says they are having a crisis of faith, is adored again in human form by those who can see Him.