Suffering from DH's looking

[HumbleMom]

Dear Mograce,
I have heard such wonderful testimonies for Retrouvaille about couples who were ready to file for divorce, even couples where actual infidelity had occured, whose marriage were completely renewed. I hope your husband will agree to go.

I wanted to say that I know I am not uncomplicated at all. Particularly when I am hormonal, ESPECIALLY when I am pregnant, I can be very unreasonable, to the point of accusing my husband of not loving me and threatening him with divorce simply because he suggested that we should exercise our brains a little more since we are getting older and our minds are not as sharp as they once were. My adult son waited until the following day to let me know he thought I had been a little hard on his dad the previous evening Fortunately, I was able to apologize to my son and let him know that I had already apologized to my husband.

I also know that I accuse him of not finding me attractive/having an interest in other women even when I know this is not true. I don’t always do this, but I am prone to it because of my own insecurities. My father cheated on my mother throughout my childhood, sometimes taking me along - all I saw was flirting, but I knew what was going on. I also experienced an emotionally abusive relationship for several years in my youth. I knew this man was cheating on me, but I thought this was normal and he would “grow out of it”. I had absolutely no self esteem for many years after that relationship ended. I was good friends with my husband at the time, so this is why I said he has been able to be patient with me.

Yes, there are bad men out there and there are many traits shared by most men that we women have a right to complain about. But there are good men out there too, and we women have our own issues that make us challenging at times for our men to understand. It is not just our bodies that make us different from men. More and more scientific evidence is being reported about the vast differences in our brains. I don’t know what is going on in your husband’s head, but I hope that it is all a matter of misunderstandings (and sounds like some selfishness an immaturity on his part) and that a little work and forgiveness will help both of you renew the love that brought you together in the beginning.

I’ll be praying for you:hug1:

 

[mary_s_kid]

Dear Mograce,
I have heard such wonderful testimonies for Retrouvaille about couples who were ready to file for divorce, even couples where actual infidelity had occured, whose marriage were completely renewed. I hope your husband will agree to go.

:

I just wanted to pipe in and say that Retrouvaille is wonderful but if one spouse has an addiction, in my experience, things don’t really get better till the addiction is dealt with. For my husband, that means 3 Sexaholics Anonymous meetings a week. Retrouvaille is a great tool for communication but it isn’t capable of solving everything.

 

[M-Dent]

Mograce, this is a very contentious issue… men and women are so different here and society encourages men to look, afterall it’s constantly shoved in their faces!

Society is certainly bizarre in a lot of ways.

Didn’t seem to learn a lesson from the apple.

In too many ways women are encouraged to become like an object. Like a great looking apple. And that standard is set for them - many times by other women.

In too many ways men are drawn to the apple wondering if it’s as good as it looks.

Bottom line, we are in a fallen state. Our battle is with principalities and powers. Yet people don’t often believe what they don’t ‘see.’

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

we women have our own issues that make us challenging at times for our men to understand.

**
I agree.

I my personal experience, it is all about attitude. Did my husband do anything wrong? Of course, he’s human. But so am I. Since I can’t make him change, I have to look inward.

What about myself may need some work? Am I being the best wife I can be? (if I answer yes, I’m lying to myself). Do I really know what my husband is thinking, or am I assuming?(still guilty of this…a lot).

But I am in a marriage where my husband is basically a good guy who sometimes falls. He is not immoral or a jerk. If he was then stronger measures would have to be taken.

It took a long time for me to be able to see that I had certain flaws/faults and that I was responsible for fixing them. And it took even longer to realize that my happiness CANNOT depend on another person, spouse or not. No mere human being can be responsible for that. It’s not fair to them.

I have to go…finish my thoughts later…

malia
**

 

[mariam1976]

**
my happiness CANNOT depend on another person, spouse or not. No mere human being can be responsible for that. It’s not fair to them.

**

once we apply this to our lives, i think everything falls into place… always hold Jesus first in your life and then whoever according to the Bible… it will always give you peace and joy!!!

 

[PennitentMan]

Mograce, if I had a moment alone with your husband, I’d give him a piece of my mind…upside his head!!!

He doesn’t realise what he has in you, I’ll pray for you and that he will wake up and appreciate the amazing wife right under his nose ASAP.

PM

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I think your priest gave some bad advice.

It really scares me that there are still so many people who believe that if a good woman’s husband is rotten, it’s because the wife isn’t good enough.

If you’re already being a basically decent person and you’re still receiving treatment like this, things will not improve even when you reach the height of sanctity. Ultimately his behavior depends on his free will, not your sainthood, and a man who is still ahem unkind when he has a good wife won’t automatically become any less unkind when he has a perfect one.

(post edited to be a little nicer. )

 

[mariam1976]

I think your priest gave some bad advice.

It really scares me that there are still so many people who believe that if a good woman’s husband is rotten, it’s because the wife isn’t good enough.

If you’re already being a basically decent person and you’re still receiving treatment like this, things will not improve even when you reach the height of sanctity. Ultimately his behavior depends on his free will, not your sainthood, and a man who is still ahem unkind when he has a good wife won’t automatically become any less unkind when he has a perfect one.

(post edited to be a little nicer. )

i do agree with this post… i know that i tried and tried to do everything for my STBX but it was never met with approval… infact what i got for it was “you are just being nice to manipulate me”…

when the man is not good, it is a case of damned if you do and damned if you dont…
and if they are good and they realise that they are hurting you becos of an action of theirs, they will try not to do it!! after all i dont really think that his looking is giving him far more pleasure than the hurt that he is causing you…!!!

 

[dulcissima]

I would just be careful into making it be just about men, because there are men that go through this too. I was working with a subsitute teacher who was telling me all about how her son left his 20 year marriage after trying everything. Evidently he could do nothing to please his wife. She was always critical. She really had no interest in him, and all she wanted to do was go out to lunch with friends and hang out at the gym. She had no interest in sex, making dinner for her husband, or doing anything with him or for him, whereas he would bend over backwards for her. He really didn’t want a divorce, but he really didn’t have a marriage. I can’t blame the guy. Just saying women can be just as bad. There is no pleasing the unpleasable. Sometimes we just have to realize that.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I would just be careful into making it be just about men…

…Just saying women can be just as bad. There is no pleasing the unpleasable. Sometimes we just have to realize that.

Absolutely. :yup: I didn’t meant to imply that it can’t ever work the other way around. An unkind spouse is an ugly thing, no matter the gender.

 

[dulcissima]

Absolutely. :yup: I didn’t meant to imply that it can’t ever work the other way around. An unkind spouse is an ugly thing, no matter the gender.

That wasn’t to anyone in particular. There were just so many comments about “men” in this thread, and I’ve been hearing about some men whose wives are pretty hurtful.

 

[mariam1976]

That wasn’t to anyone in particular. There were just so many comments about “men” in this thread, and I’ve been hearing about some men whose wives are pretty hurtful.

this is so true… i had the exact same case with my stbx’s friend who was a girl… who quite literally sat there and said that she went to europe with her girfriends (would not allow her husband to come even when he wanted to) and they sat at stations and ogled at guys… her husband was sitting right beside her at thetime she was saying this… i had no words to console her husband with and just felt so helpless that she could be so insensitive and immature!!!

 

[hasikelee]

OP: have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com?

If your husband is looking at other women with lust and ignoring you or making you feel uncomfortable, there is no excuse for his behavior.

Nevertheless, you did enter into a marriage vowing to stay with each other and you can’t make him change, so you could always work on yourself.

Your original post seems to imply that you don’t feel highly about yourself or how you look. You mention being overweight, for example. Some people really don’t feel happy or good when their spouse has low self-esteem or no confidence.

Do you look very different from when he decided to marry you? Could he be feeling cheated or resentful, or even ignored? Again, it doesn’t justify his behavior, but it might give you an insight into what’s going on here.

Also, has he always behaved this way, even before marriage or is this fairly recent? He could be grappling with an issue or an illness and that needs to be p(name removed by moderator)ointed before he can change.

 

[MysticalMan]

OP: have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com?

If your husband is looking at other women with lust and ignoring you or making you feel uncomfortable, there is no excuse for his behavior.

Nevertheless, you did enter into a marriage vowing to stay with each other and you can’t make him change, so you could always work on yourself.

Your original post seems to imply that you don’t feel highly about yourself or how you look. You mention being overweight, for example. Some people really don’t feel happy or good when their spouse has low self-esteem or no confidence.

Do you look very different from when he decided to marry you? Could he be feeling cheated or resentful, or even ignored? Again, it doesn’t justify his behavior, but it might give you an insight into what’s going on here.

Also, has he always behaved this way, even before marriage or is this fairly recent? He could be grappling with an issue or an illness and that needs to be p(name removed by moderator)ointed before he can change.

With the current fashion trends it is very hard not to look. This is not unfaithfulness just human nature.

 

[mariam1976]

With the current fashion trends it is very hard not to look. This is not unfaithfulness just human nature.

there is glanciing and then there is blatant looking without regard for your wife’s feelings and based on your other posts, and this comment, it is no wonder that your wife does not want to initiate anything with you…

i dont mean to be uncharitable but my STBX used to be this way and say that how can i not look and there is nothing wrong with it… well becos of that, you cant exactly say that i felt very good about it while we were doing it… always remember that women are emotional creatures just like guys always like to put forward-we are visual… well you can be visual only with your wife just like we are expected to be emotionally bonded in that way only to out husbands…

what is good for the goose is good for the gander!!! i am sorry i dont think i like your attitude towards ur wife or ur marriage…

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

With the current fashion trends it is very hard not to look. This is not unfaithfulness just human nature.

Just want to clarify what you’ve said here. To my understanding, Church teaching is:

The temptation to look = not a sin

Looking with an entirely pure, chaste heart (not very common, I’d reckon) = not a sin.

A voluntary gaze with the even slightest bit of lust or covetousness = a sin. (and likely a mortal one at that)

 

[mariam1976]

Just want to clarify what you’ve said here. To my understanding, Church teaching is:

The temptation to look = not a sin

Looking with an entirely pure, chaste heart (not very common, I’d reckon) = not a sin.

A voluntary gaze with the even slightest bit of lust or covetousness = a sin. (and likely a mortal one at that)

thank you… this is perfect and i hope he takes your suggestion to heart!!!

seems like he doesnt understand the difference… but oh well!!!

 

[MysticalMan]

thank you… this is perfect and i hope he takes your suggestion to heart!!!

seems like he doesnt understand the difference… but oh well!!!

Sorry lady, you are the one who does not know the difference. Where did I say that I looked or LUSTED for that matter. Lady, stop busting my balls will ya! I have no idea why you are picking on me today! Great way to end lent lady!

 

[Katie1723]

…A voluntary gaze with the even slightest bit of lust or covetousness = a sin. (and likely a mortal one at that)

Then I would venture to say that many of us are guilty of this sin, probably more here than care to admit.

Kathy

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Then I would venture to say that many of us are guilty of this sin, probably more here than care to admit.

Kathy

Hmm… how do you mean? In my experience, the line between voluntarily lusting and mere temptation is pretty clear-cut. Maybe I’m just phrasing it poorly?