Suggestions for approaching a spouse that is anti-Catholic

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OP. If you speak to a priest, then I would recommend that your wife has a different priest/deacon/brother or in your case, it might be best with a sister or another lay woman, that she can talk to if and when she finds she needs to. It could be good if the person is also a convert. Your wife will very likely see you and the priest you are talking with, as allies against her, which will affect your marriage in a very negative way. It doesn’t have to be a person in the same parish. Your priest could give you a few names and maybe introduce you to a couple of persons that could “look out” for your wife some day in the future when she feels she is ready to start discovering the Catholic Church. This person needs to have big ears, a very small mouth and stand solidly in the faith.

When you talk to your priest ask him for suggestions on what to do. You don’t want your marriage to brake up because you are interested in the Catholic faith. There are converts who have been asked to wait a year to be received into the Catholic Church, because their marriage was in such a situation that focus was needed to save the marriage and the other spouse could “let the steam out and cool down”.

It is common to feel guilt when someone else starts to take their faith seriously. The persons around you start to unconsciously examine their actions and their believes. This is scary and very often the reaction is anger.

Leaving a couple of books around the house is a good idea and the ones another poster
suggested are very good and I recommend them as well.
 
joyfulandactive said:
Family unity is so important. I would suggest you keep going to the current church you choose as a couple while exploring your faith privately. Be kind, considerate and understanding. Be Christ to your wife. I would keep attending the current church together and work out a way you can fulfill your Sunday obligation alone, such as the Saturday evening vigil. Let your wife know she is always welcome and you would love her to come but don’t nag or pressure her.
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Yes. I was protestant and became Catholic about ten years ago. It was a slow process, and I didn’t even want to be Catholic, lol. My husband was protestant too and did not come with me into the Church. I would agree with this approach, and also what the others have said about hearing what she is afraid of if you come back to the Church. Many protestants don’t believe Catholics are even Christian-- I lost friends converting-- so keep this in mind and learn how she feels about Catholicism or what her objections are.

BTW, my husband is now an atheist, so please say a prayer for him.
 
Jrp72 said:
I took the journey together because…
  1. I wanted some type of religious foundation for our girls
  2. I hoped her attending church of some type would help her find some inner peace
  3. Did not anticipate feeling this strong desire to return to the Church
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  1. Excellent.
  2. There’s a lot about Catholic Spirituality that should help, even though it’s all present in the Mass, I think most people miss it, myself included. But reading about the lives of the saints & digging into different Charisms focuses it all to something “easier” to see & understand.
I’m currently discerning a calling to join the third order of the Brothers of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Brother Lawrence was a lay Carmelite who can help with that.

But there are other Orders Bendectines, Franciscans, Dominicans, etc… something for everyone.
  1. Yeah… He never gives up on us, always calling us back home.
 
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Jrp72 said:
Christianity didn’t start with Martin Luther, despite what many Protestants believe.
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No, we don’t. That’s kind of doing the same commenting you say your wife does, but about non-Catholics.
 
la_petit_fleur said:
Many protestants don’t believe Catholics are even Christian-
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Actually, if you’re going to use the word “many”, many of us do know Catholics are Christians too.
Non-Catholics don’t believe this are usually way out in the weeds outliers. It’s like saying many Catholics don’t believe non-Catholic s are Christians.

OP, from my point of view there isn’t much else you can do but drive on. As a non-Catholic married to a Catholic I would just say don’t pressure her, give her books, etc… I’d continue the path you’re on and eventually she’ll come around to accepting. A “mixed”-marriage needs to be built on mutual respect. If you can’t get to that it’s going to be tough.
 
It sounds as if you are a baptized Catholic who married outside the Church. If that’s true, I’d also tread very carefully around discussing the fact that the Church would not consider your marriage valid.
 
I plan on continuing to attend the nondenominational church her and our girls. They have their own communion service once a month.
Seems like I shouldn’t partake as I don’t follow their thinking on communion. If I don’t partake it will bother her. Even when I cross myself when we pray as a family, I get looks from her
 
I pretty much did this to my husband. We married, I was kind of Catholic. But not at all practicing. When we had our son, I felt called back. And by the time our son was ready for his first Communion, I REALLY felt the call.

Thankfully my husband and I had a relationship that encouraged discussion and conversation. So, it wasn’t difficult to have him see my side and my desires.

And although you are really changing it up, so to speak, it happens. No one is the same person that they were 10 or 15 years ago. Everyone grows or changes. At least we hope so.

But it seems that your wife only wants you to grow or change with her approval. The fact that she “went off on you,” or gives you dirty looks while praying says to me that there is more wrong than just the fact that you want to return to your Catholic roots.

As others have said, remind her that you still love her and that returning to the Catholic church is not turning away from her or your family.
 
I really don’t know the “right” answer for you. Many people here are holding up family unity, but is family unity ever an excuse to avoid the Catholic Church when you are being called to her? Matthew 10:34-39 is pretty stark. As I say, I don’t know the answer, but I don’t believe your wife gets to have full authority over your spiritual life, any more than you get to have full authority over hers.
 
No one is saying avoid the church or his call, but neither should it destroy his marriage. Of course his marriage and children are a priority, God is love and our first priority is to love those that we have an obligation and duty to cherish. What kind of Christian as soon as they become awakened in their faith uses it an excuse to get out of their marriage?

If we spin this around and imagine a lukewarm Catholic had a wife who suddenly became much more interested in her Baptist upbringing. No one on here would consider it appropriate or Godly if she used that as a reason to put her church’s teachings before her husband and children; Because in truth I know of no genuine Christian Church that would encourage the breakup of a perfectly functional marriage. I consider that sinful.

Just because she is currently hostile is no excuse. She clearly is shocked as his enthusiasm is very unexpected. I think he needs to be realistic and give his wife plenty of time. Most of all pray for her, have masses said and be patient. Look how hostile Kimberley Hahn was, Scott Hahn didn’t suggest they break up, quite the opposite.
 
joyfulandactive said:
Look how hostile Kimberley Hahn was, Scott Hahn didn’t suggest they break up, quite the opposite.
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Did I miss a post? Who is suggesting that they break up?

OTOH, it is possible that God will use his return to Catholicism to bring about a spiritual transformation in her heart as well. That is why we cannot assume, with our tiny intellects, that A must lead to B must lead to C. God draws straight with crooked lines, as the saying goes.
 
There is a book, it is not expensive used on Amazon, that has accounts of real people who have gone through the same thing:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Only-Co...+one+converts&qid=1563032607&s=gateway&sr=8-1

When I converted, I tried to get my husband on board and ended up putting a big gulf between us (we ended up separated!). At the advice of some wise people, I stepped back and put it all in God’s hands. I focused on being the best spouse on the block, let my light shine before my husband so he would see my joy and my good works.

Guess what? Within a year he was Confirmed and received his first Communion.

For others the wait is longer.

Avoid a lot of the heavy handed apologetics books. If I had been exposed to them before my own conversion, they would have pushed me FAR away from the Church.

Specifically, do not ask her to read “Born Fundamentalist Born Again Catholic” or " Catholicism and Fundamentalism". These books are good for those who are already open and seeking, but, they are not for those who are where you say your wife is.

Focus on the similarities. It is okay to say “I am going to Church at St Joe’s at 5 on Saturday, then we will go together to First Baptist on Sunday. Do you want to go out for dinner at 7 on Saturday?” You do not have to use the term “going to Mass” when that phrase is going to build the wall bigger.

Let her see you reading the Bible, praying, etc. End your prayers together “and Lord, lead us always to the path of righteousness, guide us to be ever closer to you.”

ETA:

There is a video (on Amazon Prime) called “Common Ground”. This has been shown on TBN as well as on Catholic TV. I would really advise it as something for you to watch first, then to watch it with your wife (or ask her to watch it on her own).
Jrp72 said:
Seems like I shouldn’t partake as I don’t follow their thinking on communion. If I don’t partake it will bother her.
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Have a talk well before "Honey, right now I am not able to say by my actions that I am in agreement with all that is taught at (XYZ Name of Non-Denom congregation). It would be a lie for me to partake in their communion, and while we may disagree on things, I know that we both cherish honesty.

If it will make you feel better, I can stay home next Sunday. I can excuse myself to the men’s room prior to the Lord’s Supper, or I can simply stay there seated beside you and pray. Which one would you have me do?’
 
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Tell her that before you knew only a half truth, but now you found the full deposit of truth which is an everlasting treasure.
Tell her that you still have Christ in common, so on that basis reassure her the marriage will not go off the rocks.
But I agree with the poster that said your path will be one of long suffering. Pray for patience and self-restraint.
 
My apologies snarflemike, your downplaying of family unity had me assuming you supported disunity and therefore a possible breakup.

I think we are all assuming give them plenty of time and space and God will have time to work. I don’t believe anyone has made any assumptions of A, B or C.
 
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joyfulandactive said:
My apologies snarflemike, your downplaying of family unity had me assuming you supported disunity and therefore a possible breakup.
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As I said (twice), I don’t know the answer. But I know the situation is complex. It’s not a simple choice between the Catholic Church or family unity. Perhaps OP chooses family unity over Christ’s calling (assuming Christ is calling him), and eventually becomes so sullen and angry over having to refuse the calling that this itself causes family disunity. Or perhaps as the OP follows Christ’s call, his wife receives the grace to accept it, perhaps support it, perhaps even follow it.
 
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