F
faithfully
Guest
Ok… So, I’m with it enough to know that I can’t make others behave the way I want them to. 
Here’s my deal…
I’m 15yrs married to my highschool sweetheart. We’re pushing 40.
The biggest and quite frankly, nearly ONLY problem we’ve ever had are his parents and often his very possesive sister. They are extemely passive aggressive, and they dislike me. They have been terribly mean in the years gone by… starting out when we were dating… his mother writing a priority list for DH (again we were about 16, and he was BOYFRIEND status then)… The list listed normal things at first… family time, home work, housework… but went on to about 20 items… including picking up dog poop in the yard, and THEN “girlfriend” (well my name)… So bascially, EVEN dog poop was to be more important than me. She posted this in the house, where it could be seen by all.
When we announced our engagement after 10 years of dating, his mother’s response… “REALLY???” Even his sister reports she couldn’t believe how bad it was.
When I tried to include them in the planning and fun parts of the wedding stuff, like dress shopping for THEM… his mother refused to buy anything “expensive”. I found a GORGEOUS dress for her. Beautiful color, appropriate for a Catholic church (they are not religious at all), my SIL gushed at how pretty she looked. It cost $150.00 She could NOT possible buy something so expensive. She promptly returned home, went to a dress maker, and then called me to tell me she is having a dressed made for her to the tune of $300 dollars. Yes, I was informed of the price. Turned out to be White… WHO DOES THAT??? She ordered a white dress for my SIL as well. At the wedding the mean comments were flying. SOMEHOW, I decided that I would not let a word they said hurt me, or ruin the day. And I managed. I had a terrific wedding. They were successful at pulling DH out of the reception over and over to talk with friends OUTSIDE the venue, but all in all… I felt very blessed to have such a beautiful ceremony, and a great celebration. It’s not my fault they missed all the activities…
I could write a book about the things said and done to me. It would be a best seller I’m SURE!
Anyhow… I just attended my SIL’s wedding. Destination wedding. It was lovely. However, my in-laws would not STOP trash talking the groom. They made it very clear (in a non joking tone, 'cause I’m sure we’re ALL familiar with the JOKES), that if she wanted to pull out, they’d be fine with that. At every conversation I was involved in, they had something nasty to say about him. He has done NOTHING to instigate this. However, he has the NERVE to marry their daughter… which I’m realizing is MY offense. Never has been about anything I’ve said or done. Although they would say otherwise.
I came home from this event exhausted, having spent quite a bit of $$, and utterly depressed. I had always left a little room in my thought process for the fact that maybe I was being overly sensitive. But this time, it wasn’t directed at me. And I just have this gross, looming confirmation that they are just determined to hate us. You know, only so that WE can see it.
In my younger years, when they would egg me on, I would respond either negatively, or just walk away. I have learned, from my SIL who can’t keep her mouth shut, that apparently we had “arguements” over things that I thought we were just discussing. Meaning, we had opposing opinions about something, and because I didn’t change my mind to their opinion, I was hostile.
About 2 years ago, I informed my DH, that I was no longer going to be the doormat they so much had fun wiping their feet on. Because we now have children, I don’t believe they have a right to belittle me infront of them. They don’t have a right to teach my children, that I should be shown no respect. That a woman, wife mother is someone to treat poorly. I informed DH, that he had better let them know, that they will be shut down with one sentance. I would not sit and fight with them. I will not instigate an arguement. I never have. And I will not endure an attack. I will just knock them out. So to speak. And it really lightened up.
I also always say a little prayer before they arrive, or before I see them that all will go well.
But this weekend feels like it ripped open some old wounds. They will never change. They don’t even want to.
So I NEED suggestions, in addition to prayer and such… how do you deal with an abuser that you have to interact with. I’m not a child, my ego, or person isn’t going to be damaged by them. But how do I make their words roll off my back (duck and water like!)
We have to spend too much time with them. I’m angry way to much, because this kind of stuff just gets mulled over in my mind like a teenage girl evaluating what the cute football player “meant” by saying hi!
Feeling like a nutter here!
Here’s my deal…
I’m 15yrs married to my highschool sweetheart. We’re pushing 40.
The biggest and quite frankly, nearly ONLY problem we’ve ever had are his parents and often his very possesive sister. They are extemely passive aggressive, and they dislike me. They have been terribly mean in the years gone by… starting out when we were dating… his mother writing a priority list for DH (again we were about 16, and he was BOYFRIEND status then)… The list listed normal things at first… family time, home work, housework… but went on to about 20 items… including picking up dog poop in the yard, and THEN “girlfriend” (well my name)… So bascially, EVEN dog poop was to be more important than me. She posted this in the house, where it could be seen by all.
When we announced our engagement after 10 years of dating, his mother’s response… “REALLY???” Even his sister reports she couldn’t believe how bad it was.
When I tried to include them in the planning and fun parts of the wedding stuff, like dress shopping for THEM… his mother refused to buy anything “expensive”. I found a GORGEOUS dress for her. Beautiful color, appropriate for a Catholic church (they are not religious at all), my SIL gushed at how pretty she looked. It cost $150.00 She could NOT possible buy something so expensive. She promptly returned home, went to a dress maker, and then called me to tell me she is having a dressed made for her to the tune of $300 dollars. Yes, I was informed of the price. Turned out to be White… WHO DOES THAT??? She ordered a white dress for my SIL as well. At the wedding the mean comments were flying. SOMEHOW, I decided that I would not let a word they said hurt me, or ruin the day. And I managed. I had a terrific wedding. They were successful at pulling DH out of the reception over and over to talk with friends OUTSIDE the venue, but all in all… I felt very blessed to have such a beautiful ceremony, and a great celebration. It’s not my fault they missed all the activities…
I could write a book about the things said and done to me. It would be a best seller I’m SURE!
Anyhow… I just attended my SIL’s wedding. Destination wedding. It was lovely. However, my in-laws would not STOP trash talking the groom. They made it very clear (in a non joking tone, 'cause I’m sure we’re ALL familiar with the JOKES), that if she wanted to pull out, they’d be fine with that. At every conversation I was involved in, they had something nasty to say about him. He has done NOTHING to instigate this. However, he has the NERVE to marry their daughter… which I’m realizing is MY offense. Never has been about anything I’ve said or done. Although they would say otherwise.
I came home from this event exhausted, having spent quite a bit of $$, and utterly depressed. I had always left a little room in my thought process for the fact that maybe I was being overly sensitive. But this time, it wasn’t directed at me. And I just have this gross, looming confirmation that they are just determined to hate us. You know, only so that WE can see it.
In my younger years, when they would egg me on, I would respond either negatively, or just walk away. I have learned, from my SIL who can’t keep her mouth shut, that apparently we had “arguements” over things that I thought we were just discussing. Meaning, we had opposing opinions about something, and because I didn’t change my mind to their opinion, I was hostile.
About 2 years ago, I informed my DH, that I was no longer going to be the doormat they so much had fun wiping their feet on. Because we now have children, I don’t believe they have a right to belittle me infront of them. They don’t have a right to teach my children, that I should be shown no respect. That a woman, wife mother is someone to treat poorly. I informed DH, that he had better let them know, that they will be shut down with one sentance. I would not sit and fight with them. I will not instigate an arguement. I never have. And I will not endure an attack. I will just knock them out. So to speak. And it really lightened up.
I also always say a little prayer before they arrive, or before I see them that all will go well.
But this weekend feels like it ripped open some old wounds. They will never change. They don’t even want to.
So I NEED suggestions, in addition to prayer and such… how do you deal with an abuser that you have to interact with. I’m not a child, my ego, or person isn’t going to be damaged by them. But how do I make their words roll off my back (duck and water like!)
We have to spend too much time with them. I’m angry way to much, because this kind of stuff just gets mulled over in my mind like a teenage girl evaluating what the cute football player “meant” by saying hi!
Feeling like a nutter here!
Yes, I know what you mean.
