E
EasterJoy
Guest
You lost more than 5 points on that one, but boy that had to be so worth it!
- Status
F
faithfully
Guest
Perhaps… boy don’t I know just how HUMAN I am…You lost more than 5 points on that one, but boy that had to be so worth it!
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Barbkw
Guest
I agree with one of the above posters, love them as you would people with a mental disorder.
Due to my flash temper and my inability to be trod upon, I would have to physically stay away from these people.
Had I been you, I would have eventually turned a family gathering into a brawl.
Due to my flash temper and my inability to be trod upon, I would have to physically stay away from these people.
Had I been you, I would have eventually turned a family gathering into a brawl.
C
Charlotte1776
Guest
Your husband sounds like he could be my husband’s twin! He loves his severely bipolar mom and brother and won’t do a whole lot to prevent them (especially his mom) from saying and doing some pretty nasty things to me for the same reason your MIL hates you - I commited the unpardonable sin of marrying her son. 
She wrote him a letter right before the wedding saying he shouldn’t marry me because I will take him away from me, which speaks volumes about their relationship dynamic. He is so caught up in it that he really can’t see how abnormal it is.
It sounds like you have the same situation going on. What my priest and some relationship professionals have said to do is to have as little contact with them as possible because, as other posters have said, there is not a single thing you could do to ever change these people. As long as they are alive, they will continue to infect and undermine your relationship with your husband and your children, as well as put you through as much emotional torment as they can whether intentional or not.
They said what the husband NEEDS to do is be a man, put his foot down, and refuse to allow them to treat his wife as they have in the past. If they start badmouthing you while they are visiting, the should immediately be shown the door. If they start insulting you on the phone, they need to be hung up on. Boundaries need to be set and stricly enforced, and if it means they throw a fit and refuse to talk to you all anymore, that’s their choice. Your family comes first and if they can’t respect that they can’t be around anymore. Period.
That’s much easier said than done, of course, because if your husband is anything like mine he thinks that setting boundaries with his toxic mom and brother and protecting his wife and children from them is “abandoning” them because there is a possibility they will be upset and refuse to talk to us anymore. I know it’s not easy going against the family who raised him and loves him, but he has a new family now (you and the kids) that has to take precedence every time, not just some of the time or worse, none of the time.
She wrote him a letter right before the wedding saying he shouldn’t marry me because I will take him away from me, which speaks volumes about their relationship dynamic. He is so caught up in it that he really can’t see how abnormal it is.It sounds like you have the same situation going on. What my priest and some relationship professionals have said to do is to have as little contact with them as possible because, as other posters have said, there is not a single thing you could do to ever change these people. As long as they are alive, they will continue to infect and undermine your relationship with your husband and your children, as well as put you through as much emotional torment as they can whether intentional or not.
They said what the husband NEEDS to do is be a man, put his foot down, and refuse to allow them to treat his wife as they have in the past. If they start badmouthing you while they are visiting, the should immediately be shown the door. If they start insulting you on the phone, they need to be hung up on. Boundaries need to be set and stricly enforced, and if it means they throw a fit and refuse to talk to you all anymore, that’s their choice. Your family comes first and if they can’t respect that they can’t be around anymore. Period.
That’s much easier said than done, of course, because if your husband is anything like mine he thinks that setting boundaries with his toxic mom and brother and protecting his wife and children from them is “abandoning” them because there is a possibility they will be upset and refuse to talk to us anymore. I know it’s not easy going against the family who raised him and loves him, but he has a new family now (you and the kids) that has to take precedence every time, not just some of the time or worse, none of the time.
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faithfully
Guest
Thanks all for your suggestions…
It’s really just a very bizarre situation. I think if any of you met them, you would think. “What nice people.” They certainly know how to be. You’d question whether or not I am exagerating. If you asked about their family, they’d have lots of loving tales. If you knew them long enough, without meeting me, you’d probably hear how awful I am. The pictures they would show you would be the REALLY unflattering ones they take. Nothing nice. Infact they took pictures of me just after my c-section, and I was terribly drugged up. Then they launched them on the internet. ME THE IDIOT didn’t think anyone would send such a photo, so I called my girlfriend, and asked her to open my e-mail and send the pics to the list of people waiting for photos.
One of my friend/ former co worker was honest enough to say, when he saw me that he was glad to see me, and that I was looking so well…
He said… (I’m NOT exaggerating), “After seeing those pictures, I thought you were dieing. We were really worried about you!”
THAT kind of bad! My inlaws keep THAT picture of me, holding my babies up in their living room. NOT any of the cute ones! Even after I asked them to take it down. That it was so humilating. I’m told I have nothing to be humilated about, and so it stays. The same photo was sent to the rest of their family… so it’s in livingrooms across the nation… I’ve seen those too! I’m not guessing…
During our wedding… my MIL and SIL were upset. They had just taken their professional photos… I shouted in to see if DH was in there… “NO!!!” was the response… and then I said… "hey, if you’re all gonna fight, you have to leave… " which they did… Then I changed into my dress. Then my SIL walked back into the room… looked me up and down, and turned to my maid of Honor to tell her how GORGEOUS she looked… then walked out. My Maid of Honor literally busted up. “OMG! You look terrible!” Then we laughed… “Wow” She said. “That was bad”… it was like a challange to see if they could get me to walk out of the wedding…
After our wedding… my MIL went through the photographs to pick out what she’d like ordered. She picked out about 10. I was in ONE of them. The group shot. She wanted one of DH and Her, DH and Sister, DH and DAD, DH with the 3 of them, DH with his bestman/friend, DH and anyone but me!
Somehow, I forgot to place that order
and was only able to get them a picture of DH and me cutting the cake!
One of the LAST times we went to their home for Christmas… it was just DH and me (no kids yet), we arrived to a note that said we could open Christmas Socks. Only there was no Sock for me. Just DH with just his name. He didn’t notice. And when I opened my Christmas present, I rec’d $10 worth of gifts. I only know this, because all the tags were still on. Now I’m one for a sale! BIG TIME… But I don’t generally let you know that I only spent $10.00. DH opening gifts in the $100+ range. Items for JUST him. When the kids were born, MIL made them each beautiful Christmas Sock to match their dads. My own mother asked… “Those are so cute! Where’s yours?” - Oh, I didn’t get one…
And now MIL favors one of the twins. And she’s starting to give him EXTRA things. She’ll only get the other the same thing if he asks… “oh, did you want one? Well, ok… next time”
They also like to take issue with my dietary choices, with myself and children. I don’t eat anything SOY because of certain medical issues. I don’t give it to my boys, since we’re related, and I don’t want to instigate the same issue if I can help it. I get eye rolls everytime I check a lable. (oh, and then later it’s reported to someone we had a fight about Soy.) That sort of thing… The latest??? We were returning from the wedding. We shared the first flight. And one of my kids sat with his grandma. When the drink cart went by, she gave him a DIET COKE… He’s FIVE! He’s never had a whole coke before. He’s taken a sip or 2 off of mine. And since I rarely drink soda, I don’t drink diet. As I don’t allow the fake sugars AT ALL! THEY KNOW THAT! Let alone caffeine… LET ALONE to a child about to board a 11 hour flight!!! Who has to sit still! Oh, and did I mention that she was sick, coughing and losing her voice, and she decided to drink out of his coke as well? He started coughing this morning… crossing my fingers that he can blow this off!!! They also get upset that I won’t eat partially hydrogenated products, or serve them to my family… (cheap products) I’ve been told I need to “lower my standards.” And so when, MIL and SIL babysat the boys, and talked about making cookies… I was fine with that. MIL is an EXCELLENT baker… However, the next day they posted pictures of my kids eating Oreos… about half a bag — as a single one time event, this would be NO BIG DEAL… But there is constant defiance…
Their behavior goes under the radar, if you get my drift. It’s the type of thing that if it only happened once, you’d say… no biggie… but it happens in such a skillful fashion. Like I said, in a way that I allowed room for… Hey, maybe I’M being overly sensitive, and just taking things wrong. Maybe they didn’t mean THAT! And when I observed them talking about my new BIL… I realized… OMG… I’m right… I’ve always been right… and my feelings were hurt a little more deeply. Because I know it won’t matter what I do. They don’t want to like me…
I don’t want to make DH choose between me and his parents. I want my children to have grandparents… You know??? So I’ve endured. I’m just really getting tired of it… and the Italian Screamer in me is about ready to say… HEY… I’M NOT AN IDIOT… I GET WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! JUST SO YOU KNOW!!! I want to stand up for myself. Well, and knock out a few teeth…
Ok… I feel better… You all are awesome!!!
It’s really just a very bizarre situation. I think if any of you met them, you would think. “What nice people.” They certainly know how to be. You’d question whether or not I am exagerating. If you asked about their family, they’d have lots of loving tales. If you knew them long enough, without meeting me, you’d probably hear how awful I am. The pictures they would show you would be the REALLY unflattering ones they take. Nothing nice. Infact they took pictures of me just after my c-section, and I was terribly drugged up. Then they launched them on the internet. ME THE IDIOT didn’t think anyone would send such a photo, so I called my girlfriend, and asked her to open my e-mail and send the pics to the list of people waiting for photos.
One of my friend/ former co worker was honest enough to say, when he saw me that he was glad to see me, and that I was looking so well…He said… (I’m NOT exaggerating), “After seeing those pictures, I thought you were dieing. We were really worried about you!”
THAT kind of bad! My inlaws keep THAT picture of me, holding my babies up in their living room. NOT any of the cute ones! Even after I asked them to take it down. That it was so humilating. I’m told I have nothing to be humilated about, and so it stays. The same photo was sent to the rest of their family… so it’s in livingrooms across the nation… I’ve seen those too! I’m not guessing…
During our wedding… my MIL and SIL were upset. They had just taken their professional photos… I shouted in to see if DH was in there… “NO!!!” was the response… and then I said… "hey, if you’re all gonna fight, you have to leave… " which they did… Then I changed into my dress. Then my SIL walked back into the room… looked me up and down, and turned to my maid of Honor to tell her how GORGEOUS she looked… then walked out. My Maid of Honor literally busted up. “OMG! You look terrible!” Then we laughed… “Wow” She said. “That was bad”… it was like a challange to see if they could get me to walk out of the wedding…
After our wedding… my MIL went through the photographs to pick out what she’d like ordered. She picked out about 10. I was in ONE of them. The group shot. She wanted one of DH and Her, DH and Sister, DH and DAD, DH with the 3 of them, DH with his bestman/friend, DH and anyone but me!
Somehow, I forgot to place that order
and was only able to get them a picture of DH and me cutting the cake!One of the LAST times we went to their home for Christmas… it was just DH and me (no kids yet), we arrived to a note that said we could open Christmas Socks. Only there was no Sock for me. Just DH with just his name. He didn’t notice. And when I opened my Christmas present, I rec’d $10 worth of gifts. I only know this, because all the tags were still on. Now I’m one for a sale! BIG TIME… But I don’t generally let you know that I only spent $10.00. DH opening gifts in the $100+ range. Items for JUST him. When the kids were born, MIL made them each beautiful Christmas Sock to match their dads. My own mother asked… “Those are so cute! Where’s yours?” - Oh, I didn’t get one…
And now MIL favors one of the twins. And she’s starting to give him EXTRA things. She’ll only get the other the same thing if he asks… “oh, did you want one? Well, ok… next time”
They also like to take issue with my dietary choices, with myself and children. I don’t eat anything SOY because of certain medical issues. I don’t give it to my boys, since we’re related, and I don’t want to instigate the same issue if I can help it. I get eye rolls everytime I check a lable. (oh, and then later it’s reported to someone we had a fight about Soy.) That sort of thing… The latest??? We were returning from the wedding. We shared the first flight. And one of my kids sat with his grandma. When the drink cart went by, she gave him a DIET COKE…
He’s FIVE! He’s never had a whole coke before. He’s taken a sip or 2 off of mine. And since I rarely drink soda, I don’t drink diet. As I don’t allow the fake sugars AT ALL! THEY KNOW THAT! Let alone caffeine… LET ALONE to a child about to board a 11 hour flight!!! Who has to sit still! Oh, and did I mention that she was sick, coughing and losing her voice, and she decided to drink out of his coke as well? He started coughing this morning… crossing my fingers that he can blow this off!!! They also get upset that I won’t eat partially hydrogenated products, or serve them to my family… (cheap products) I’ve been told I need to “lower my standards.” And so when, MIL and SIL babysat the boys, and talked about making cookies… I was fine with that. MIL is an EXCELLENT baker… However, the next day they posted pictures of my kids eating Oreos… about half a bag — as a single one time event, this would be NO BIG DEAL… But there is constant defiance…Their behavior goes under the radar, if you get my drift. It’s the type of thing that if it only happened once, you’d say… no biggie… but it happens in such a skillful fashion. Like I said, in a way that I allowed room for… Hey, maybe I’M being overly sensitive, and just taking things wrong. Maybe they didn’t mean THAT! And when I observed them talking about my new BIL… I realized… OMG… I’m right… I’ve always been right… and my feelings were hurt a little more deeply. Because I know it won’t matter what I do. They don’t want to like me…
I don’t want to make DH choose between me and his parents. I want my children to have grandparents… You know??? So I’ve endured. I’m just really getting tired of it… and the Italian Screamer in me is about ready to say… HEY… I’M NOT AN IDIOT… I GET WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! JUST SO YOU KNOW!!! I want to stand up for myself. Well, and knock out a few teeth…
Ok… I feel better… You all are awesome!!!
J
jmcrae
Guest
After our wedding… my MIL went through the photographs to pick out what she’d like ordered. She picked out about 10. I was in ONE of them. The group shot. She wanted one of DH and Her, DH and Sister, DH and DAD, DH with the 3 of them, DH with his bestman/friend, DH and anyone but me!
Somehow, I forgot to place that order
Yikes.
It might be time - for their sake - to limit contact. Like, right now. Neither of the twins need this. Never mind the Coke and the Oreos (bad enough!) - this can cause permanent damage. You don’t want your twins to be manipulated into hating each other by their Grandma’s favoritism - and they’re too young to understand that she is manipulating them - they can’t defend themselves.
S
SummerSmiles
Guest
After our wedding… my MIL went through the photographs to pick out what she’d like ordered. She picked out about 10. I was in ONE of them. The group shot. She wanted one of DH and Her, DH and Sister, DH and DAD, DH with the 3 of them, DH with his bestman/friend, DH and anyone but me!
Somehow, I forgot to place that order
I really laughed at that one!This is just me, but this is something I would not stand for. At all. What does your husband say about this? This can cause lasting damage to both of your kids, as one will grow up thinking he/she’s “not as good” as his/her twin.
This is another thing I don’t put up with. My MIL thinks diet sodas are great because “they don’t have any calories!” Sure, but they’re still not good for you. And definitely not good for a kid. I don’t eat partially hydrogenated stuff either–just real food over at my house. I’ve personally had to talk with my inlaws about things like this, and nowadays they know that they either refrain from giving the kids junk like this or they leave the house. Yes, I’m serious. They figured out how serious I was right away and now they choose not to do things like that. I think what I told them was that if I couldn’t trust them to follow my wishes when I’m right there watching, there’s no reason for me to trust the kids to them when I’m not present.They also like to take issue with my dietary choices, with myself and children. I don’t eat anything SOY because of certain medical issues. I don’t give it to my boys, since we’re related, and I don’t want to instigate the same issue if I can help it. I get eye rolls everytime I check a lable. (oh, and then later it’s reported to someone we had a fight about Soy.) That sort of thing… The latest??? We were returning from the wedding. We shared the first flight. And one of my kids sat with his grandma. When the drink cart went by, she gave him a DIET COKE…
That’s such a difficult situation that you’re in. I know you say that you don’t want your husband to have to chose between you and his family, but the thing is, he’s already chosen you. He married you. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t quite “see” it. What matters is how it makes you feel, and he shouldn’t allow someone to make you feel like that constantly. Same goes for his kids. They all should feel equally loved by family. That’s something that I had to learn as well, and my marriage has only grown stronger for it. If your inlaws really love your husband (as I’m sure they do) then they’ll come around once they realize you’re both serious about this.
9
90Domer
Guest
It took a heart-to-heart with my husband with a neutral third party (marriage counselor) for my husband to hear the words that allowed him to compute what I was feeling. In our case, the counselor asked some key questions that allowed the 2 of us to open up. Also, we established ground rules on future dealing with “toxic relationships” in our lives…we have some on both sides.
My dh was asked how he thought such comments/attitudes/lack of affirming my feelings made me feel–or did it bother me at all. He finally realized the extent the slights his family threw at me were contributing to poor self-esteem, headaches and resentment. DH never liked to speak up because he felt nothing would change. However, if it didn’t change his relatives, it did change my view of him. I had a lot more respect for him. I could better let things go knowing he was firmly supporting and affirming my feelings.
It is never easy to set limits on loved-ones. However, like friends, their trust and support needs to be earned and maintained and cared-for. I don’t believe that family gets a free pass for that just because they’re family.
My prayers go out to you.
My dh was asked how he thought such comments/attitudes/lack of affirming my feelings made me feel–or did it bother me at all. He finally realized the extent the slights his family threw at me were contributing to poor self-esteem, headaches and resentment. DH never liked to speak up because he felt nothing would change. However, if it didn’t change his relatives, it did change my view of him. I had a lot more respect for him. I could better let things go knowing he was firmly supporting and affirming my feelings.
It is never easy to set limits on loved-ones. However, like friends, their trust and support needs to be earned and maintained and cared-for. I don’t believe that family gets a free pass for that just because they’re family.
My prayers go out to you.
O
Onedayatatime
Guest
Given all the (name removed by moderator)ut you have already had, I might suggest the following alternatives:
- Write them a letter outlining how you want their behavior to change
- You have enough materials for a TV series “My MIL and other nightmares” starting writing it now
- A summit meeting with your husband leading how he wants their attitude to change towards you
- Prayers for them … they need it
- Tranquilizers (joking of course)
S
SummerSmiles
Guest
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