Suggestions to help me be less negative/rude/judgmental?

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AKDee

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I’m a recent convert (Baptized/Confirmed at Easter Vigil 2015) and I’m struggling to live as a good Catholic.

I have gone to confession weekly, and a recurring theme in my confessions are:
-I gossiped
-I judged someone else
-I thought unkind thoughts about someone else
-I was rude to someone
-I shared an unkind truth about someone
-I cursed at the driver in traffic

The bottom line is- I’m not a very nice person.

But I want to be. I know that this behavior is wrong.

In my confession this past Saturday, my Confessor said to me that I might look for patterns in my confession. I do my confessions face to face and so I know he was pointing out that I am confessing the exact same things over and over, particularly as I see him face-to-face weekly so he doesn’t have time to forget. Additionally I prayed before my confession that he would have advice for me, and there it was. I admitted that I do see a pattern.

And I do- but what I don’t know is how to change it?

I think I can learn to control my mouth, but what I really want is for these unkind/judgmental thoughts to not come to me at all.

I’m trying to nip bad thoughts in the bud- when they form in my mind I try to say “Jesus help me!” or “Lord Jesus, Have mercy on me, a sinner!”.

What else can I do? I have been praying for the Lord to pour out His Grace on me and to change me. I don’t want to be this person.

I pray the Rosary once a day and have begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet once a day and also try to pray the 3 o Clock Hour.

I would especially appreciate advice from people who have struggled with this same vice.
 
-I gossiped
-I judged someone else
-I thought unkind thoughts about someone else
-I was rude to someone
-I shared an unkind truth about someone
-I cursed at the driver in traffic
Click to expand...
These are all ego driven.

The ego creates a false-self which must be protected and grow and will react offensively, when it’s threatened.

The key then is to detach from the ego driven agendas and grow toward self-knowledge.

This begins of course with prayer for a relationship with Jesus Christ is how we are brought to self-knowledge, for this is all that He recognizes. Jesus does not deal with the false-self.

Also, Jesus said, “watch and pray.” This means to have a mindful awareness of our thoughts, and our actions.

All sorts of thoughts come into our consciousness and we need to be aware of them. When we get a thought which is unwanted, gently and mindfully, let it go. As soon as you begin to give it some attention, the ego will latch onto it and we begin to provide commentary on it. Soon, the thought is driving the will rather than the will driving the thought.

I’ve learned over the years that the ego is strong and wants an identity it can attach to, in order to be a person we imagine we should be. When the ego-identity is threatened, it will react offensively, either in will or deed.

The key to weakening the ego is to learn to live in the present moment. The ego becomes strong by dwelling on the past, or the future. But in the present, it has nothing to work with and becomes weak. It’s also the place God is. God is in the now, not in the future, and not just a figment of our past recollections.

Of course it all requires the transforming grace given to us by Jesus in prayer.

Interior prayer and meditation is the way in being in the presence of Jesus, who dwells within. It is being in His presence and being open to Him, where he blesses us with His transforming grace.

You can PM me if you want more information about interior prayer.

Jim
 
AKDee, all of our sins stem from pride. All of us must start at the foundation of all virtue - HUMILITY.

From your post, it sounds to me that you are doing the right things. As soon as you become aware of uncharitable thoughts, try to cut them off immediately and say a quick prayer - Jesus, Mary, I love Thee, save souls! or simply My Jesus, mercy!. Pray for the grace to be aware of your tendency to react too quickly to people and situations by forming harsh judgments.

Always keep in mind that you are what you with the grace of God. Anything good you have is from Him. Also, “There but for the grace of God go I” is another good thing to keep in mind.

A good book (maybe you can find a used copy on Amazon for a good price) is Humility Of Heart by Fr. Cajetan Mary da Bergamo.

You sound well on the way to making progress. Our Lord sees your sincere efforts. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and we don’t become holy overnight. It is a lifelong effort.

The important thing is to never give up. Pray for the great gift of persevering until you die.

God bless you! 👍👍👍🙂
 
AKDee said:
I’m a recent convert (Baptized/Confirmed at Easter Vigil 2015) and I’m struggling to live as a good Catholic.

I have gone to confession weekly, and a recurring theme in my confessions are:
-I gossiped
-I judged someone else
-I thought unkind thoughts about someone else
-I was rude to someone
-I shared an unkind truth about someone
-I cursed at the driver in traffic

The bottom line is- I’m not a very nice person.

But I want to be. I know that this behavior is wrong.

In my confession this past Saturday, my Confessor said to me that I might look for patterns in my confession. I do my confessions face to face and so I know he was pointing out that I am confessing the exact same things over and over, particularly as I see him face-to-face weekly so he doesn’t have time to forget. Additionally I prayed before my confession that he would have advice for me, and there it was. I admitted that I do see a pattern.

And I do- but what I don’t know is how to change it?

I think I can learn to control my mouth, but what I really want is for these unkind/judgmental thoughts to not come to me at all.

I’m trying to nip bad thoughts in the bud- when they form in my mind I try to say “Jesus help me!” or “Lord Jesus, Have mercy on me, a sinner!”.

What else can I do? I have been praying for the Lord to pour out His Grace on me and to change me. I don’t want to be this person.

I pray the Rosary once a day and have begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet once a day and also try to pray the 3 o Clock Hour.

I would especially appreciate advice from people who have struggled with this same vice.
Click to expand...
I’m exactly the same…I’ve been known to shoot first ask questions later! Ask you’re confessor to get creative with your penance…don’t let him give you the standard 5 hails and 5 Paters!
 
I believe that one can only learn empathy (which is what is needed here) by getting to know those less fortunate. I suggest that you start working at a soup kitchen when you can, work with underprivileged children teaching them to read, or helping with their homework at the library. Once a person realizes their own blessings, and also realizes that there are others who don’t have what we take for granted, it’s a very humbling experience. One starts to realize that “no, I’m not the expert on everything.” Some things can’t be fixed, but they can be made easier to bear. When you reach outside of yourself in genuine love and concern for others, it’s far harder to scrutinize others in a harsh fashion.
You begin to see the good in people. Just a suggestion.
 
Knowing that you are a neophyte, I’m inclined to say, you are new to the Christian life and should cut yourself some slack. On the other hand, Divine Mercy is infinite not unconditional. It’s important to repent and keep chipping away at those sins.

I feel your frustration. I to struggle with cursing and questioning the parents’ marital status of the driver in my way.😊
 
I was once in your shoes and most of the time I don’t even think I really knew what I was doing (habits have a way of becoming “mindless habits”). For me, this came to the forefront when I was doing some reading about the Ten Commandments and mortal sin. I was also praying for my relationship with God and He slapped me across the face, so to speak, when I saw the irony of building a relationship while committing sin so routinely.

I believe the answer is constant awareness and avoiding situations where gossip exists. I am far from perfect but I am happier and I feel much closer to God. The worst part is being willing to forgive myself because during my self reflection I realized, quite clearly, how I was acting quite contrary to Jesus’ teachings despite feeling that I was a Christian. What a sad, sad lie.

You are not alone but you can overcome this. Just keep on keeping on!

Hugs~
 
JimR-OCDS said:
These are all ego driven.

The ego creates a false-self which must be protected and grow and will react offensively, when it’s threatened.

The key then is to detach from the ego driven agendas and grow toward self-knowledge.

This begins of course with prayer for a relationship with Jesus Christ is how we are brought to self-knowledge, for this is all that He recognizes. Jesus does not deal with the false-self.

Also, Jesus said, “watch and pray.” This means to have a mindful awareness of our thoughts, and our actions.

All sorts of thoughts come into our consciousness and we need to be aware of them. When we get a thought which is unwanted, gently and mindfully, let it go. As soon as you begin to give it some attention, the ego will latch onto it and we begin to provide commentary on it. Soon, the thought is driving the will rather than the will driving the thought.

I’ve learned over the years that the ego is strong and wants an identity it can attach to, in order to be a person we imagine we should be. When the ego-identity is threatened, it will react offensively, either in will or deed.

The key to weakening the ego is to learn to live in the present moment. The ego becomes strong by dwelling on the past, or the future. But in the present, it has nothing to work with and becomes weak. It’s also the place God is. God is in the now, not in the future, and not just a figment of our past recollections.

Of course it all requires the transforming grace given to us by Jesus in prayer.

Interior prayer and meditation is the way in being in the presence of Jesus, who dwells within. It is being in His presence and being open to Him, where he blesses us with His transforming grace.

You can PM me if you want more information about interior prayer.

Jim
Click to expand...
👍
 
Congratulations on all the progress that you have made!!! Just being aware is a HUGE step!!! You are beginning to recognize when this behavior happens and next is to catch it before it leaves your tongue 🙂
I totally know exactly what you are going thru as I struggle a lot in that area. As a previous post said. It is all an issue of PRIDE. I usually try to attach this deadly sin by working on the opposite virtue of humility. . When I think a judgmental thought, before I make any gossip or comment. I immediately pray a Hail Mary and then I follow with “O Mary Conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee”.

If I’m really struggling, “Jesus, Have mercy on me a sinner” and “Jesus, I trust in you” I also say "Spirit of criticism or blaming or ‘whatever negative thought’ leave me. Other times, I may also say the St Michael the Archangel prayer when the thought is very persistent. And last, but not least, I pray the Litany of Humility (just google) It all sounds very repetitive, but it is very effective. 👍
 
Pray the Rosary! Each mystery requires you to think of some facet of the lives of Jesus and Mary and each requires you to think of how you will live these mysteries every day. For example, you will pray for humility, patience, zeal for the glory of God, a spirit of sacrifice, love of neighbor, etc. Many of them relate to how we interact with others. The more mindful we are of these virtues, the more we mindfully practice them.
 
AKDee said:
I’m a recent convert (Baptized/Confirmed at Easter Vigil 2015) and I’m struggling to live as a good Catholic.

I have gone to confession weekly, and a recurring theme in my confessions are:
-I gossiped
-I judged someone else
-I thought unkind thoughts about someone else
-I was rude to someone
-I shared an unkind truth about someone
-I cursed at the driver in traffic

The bottom line is- I’m not a very nice person.

But I want to be. I know that this behavior is wrong.

In my confession this past Saturday, my Confessor said to me that I might look for patterns in my confession. I do my confessions face to face and so I know he was pointing out that I am confessing the exact same things over and over, particularly as I see him face-to-face weekly so he doesn’t have time to forget. Additionally I prayed before my confession that he would have advice for me, and there it was. I admitted that I do see a pattern.

And I do- but what I don’t know is how to change it?

I think I can learn to control my mouth, but what I really want is for these unkind/judgmental thoughts to not come to me at all.

I’m trying to nip bad thoughts in the bud- when they form in my mind I try to say “Jesus help me!” or “Lord Jesus, Have mercy on me, a sinner!”.

What else can I do? I have been praying for the Lord to pour out His Grace on me and to change me. I don’t want to be this person.

I pray the Rosary once a day and have begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet once a day and also try to pray the 3 o Clock Hour.

I would especially appreciate advice from people who have struggled with this same vice.
Click to expand...
I, too, struggle with some of these sins and ones related to them. I find it easy to make rash judgments, be overly critical, think much of myself, and there are certain people that irritate me just being around and I have to be on guard against anger. So, I know a bit how you feel.

I think that the important thing is to realize that everything good that we have comes down to us from on high, it is by the grace of God. I know you probably know that, as I do, but it sometimes takes a while to sink into the heart. Meditate on it. Folks that we find easy to criticize and judge are usually the ones most in need of our prayers and compassion. Maybe they are heretics, or non-christians or maybe they’re just wretched sinners nevertheless they will be less motivated to turn things around if the only thing they see in us is pride and anger.

My suggestion would be to pray for whomever it is you tend to be judgmental about; it is harder to be merciless to those you genuinely are praying for. As to the detraction and gossip, I would say try to think before you act and distance yourself from those that gossip as well.

Also, keep in mind that just having a thought is not a sin, no matter how wretched it is. It only becomes a sin if you know that the thought is wrong and consent to it. Chase them off when you have them and don’t worry about them.

In addition it is not wrong to judge actions, it is only wrong to judge the state of ones soul or to make rash judgments about the guilt or intentions of another.

And finally, welcome home to the Church! I, too, am a neophyte.
 
AKDee said:
I’m a recent convert (Baptized/Confirmed at Easter Vigil 2015) and I’m struggling to live as a good Catholic.

I have gone to confession weekly, and a recurring theme in my confessions are:
-I gossiped
-I judged someone else
-I thought unkind thoughts about someone else
-I was rude to someone
-I shared an unkind truth about someone
-I cursed at the driver in traffic

The bottom line is- I’m not a very nice person.

But I want to be. I know that this behavior is wrong.

In my confession this past Saturday, my Confessor said to me that I might look for patterns in my confession. I do my confessions face to face and so I know he was pointing out that I am confessing the exact same things over and over, particularly as I see him face-to-face weekly so he doesn’t have time to forget. Additionally I prayed before my confession that he would have advice for me, and there it was. I admitted that I do see a pattern.

And I do- but what I don’t know is how to change it?

I think I can learn to control my mouth, but what I really want is for these unkind/judgmental thoughts to not come to me at all.

I’m trying to nip bad thoughts in the bud- when they form in my mind I try to say “Jesus help me!” or “Lord Jesus, Have mercy on me, a sinner!”.

What else can I do? I have been praying for the Lord to pour out His Grace on me and to change me. I don’t want to be this person.

I pray the Rosary once a day and have begun praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet once a day and also try to pray the 3 o Clock Hour.

I would especially appreciate advice from people who have struggled with this same vice.
Click to expand...
I, too, struggle with some of these sins and ones related to them. I find it easy to make rash judgments, be overly critical, think much of myself, and there are certain people that irritate me just being around and I have to be on guard against anger. So, I know a bit how you feel.

I think that the important thing is to realize that everything good that we have comes down to us from on high, it is by the grace of God. I know you probably know that, as I do, but it sometimes takes a while to sink into the heart. Meditate on it. Folks that we find easy to criticize and judge are usually the ones most in need of our prayers and compassion. Maybe they are heretics, or non-christians or maybe they’re just wretched sinners nevertheless they will be less motivated to turn things around if the only thing they see in us is pride and anger.

My suggestion would be to pray for whomever it is you tend to be judgmental about; it is harder to be merciless to those you genuinely are praying for. As to the detraction and gossip, I would say try to think before you act and distance yourself from those that gossip as well.

Also, keep in mind that just having a thought is not a sin, no matter how wretched it is. It only becomes a sin if you know that the thought is wrong and consent to it. Chase them off when you have them and don’t worry about them.

In addition it is not wrong to judge actions, it is only wrong to judge the state of ones soul or to make rash judgments about the guilt or intentions of another.

And finally, welcome home to the Church! I, too, am a neophyte.
 
I am really grateful for all these responses- you have given me much to think about and some ideas to try. Thank you to everyone.
 
One book that gives food for thought about these issues is The Hidden Power of Kindness: A Practical Handbook for Souls Who Dare to Transform the World, One Deed at a Time.
 
Do daily Eucharistic Adoration. Go to church, stay in front of the tabernacle and pray. Let Jesus transform you.

You may not be able to stay one whole hour (the Holy Hour) in the beginning, but if you regularly pray in front of the tabernacle, you will be able to stay longer and sense the difference inside.

No one can really transform us but our Lord Jesus Christ. When our relationship with the Lord deepens, it is easier to avoid anything displeases Him. Eucharistic Adoration is a great way to deepen our friendship with the Lord.
 
InLight247- this brings up a question for me about Eucharistic Adoration. In my Parish we have a Perpetual Adoration Chapel. But in RCIA no one taught us about it. Can just anyone go in there, any time, for worship? Or do I need to get permission? It’s up in a room placed behind the Altar and just feels sort of “off limits” to me.
 
AKDee said:
InLight247- this brings up a question for me about Eucharistic Adoration. In my Parish we have a Perpetual Adoration Chapel. But in RCIA no one taught us about it. Can just anyone go in there, any time, for worship? Or do I need to get permission? It’s up in a room placed behind the Altar and just feels sort of “off limits” to me.
Click to expand...
Eucharistic Adoration can be with the Host exposed or not exposed. The Perpetual Adoration you mentioned sounds like that the Eucharist is exposed within the monstrance and placed on the altar. In this case, normally there are two signed persons committed to guard the exposed Host.

Whether the Eucharist is exposed on the altar or hiding in the tabernacle, anyone is welcome to be there with Jesus. You don’t need any permission to go there to worship.

Either the Eucharist is exposed so we can see Jesus, or hiding in the tabernacle, when we go to worship and pray, it is Eucharistic Adoration. Eucharistic Adoration is a powerful thing regardless the Host is exposed or not.
 
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