R
Ryan_LL
Guest
To be entirely honest, I have considered suicide numerous times throughout the past year. Each time, I remember God’s love for me and realize that it is not in His plan for me to die when I have been blessed with the numerous opportunities to help others. Despite this, I occasionally find myself depressed with nobody to turn to but God because I have a secret I can tell to no one. To understand this, I want to both explain my situation and ask for advice:
Growing up, I was blessed with two loving parents who allowed me to develop my faith into what it is today - a strong devotion to God and all the ability to appreciate what he gives us each and every day. I have never had financial problems and I attended the finest private schools in Kentucky before becoming a teacher myself. I admit that I have been blessed in a materialistic sense. As we know, however, money doesn’t buy everything - especially God’s love. I am an active member of my church, yet I struggle with something I have battled my entire life - I am a man who has always felt closer to men than women.
The Bible tells us that homosexuality is an abomination. There is a difference between tolerance and acceptance; I have encountered many people in my life who are gay and I love them in a Christian sense, yet I do not ‘accept’ their unions. We know that marriage is an institution of God which allows us the gift of children. Children, then, are proof of God’s love for us - this I strongly believe. As homosexuals are not able to produce children due to mechanical reproductive isolation (or, in other words, incompatible parts), they are unable to physically represent God’s love. Understanding this, I cannot ‘accept’ myself.
I have never told anyone of my attraction to men - I have even created this profile for the specific reason of trying to find answers that will allow me to somehow fix myself. Even using that word - “fix” - I exert a contradiction because I know there is nothing wrong with me - all of God’s children are perfect. The question I must ask myself is how I may overcome this struggle? Please be open-minded and non-judgmental in understanding that I am not crazy - I am trusted with educating your children.
I am educated enough to understand that no gay person fits into a neatly defined box we can label “gay.” One of my friends who I hunted with, fished with, played football with, and simply never conceived as being gay in any stereotypical fashion ended up coming out to me the summer before we parted ways and went to college in different states. I assured him he was still my friend and nothing changed between us for many years. That is, until he accepted a position as an IT specialist at the institution where I teach, putting us back into contact. Knowing that I attend church regularly, we began a discussion that led to him asking me, “Does your church accept gays?” I replied honestly: “No.” This slippery slope led me to thoughtfully asking him to reconsider his relationship with his partner, which I could tell upset him. I told him that I could not accept him or his relationship as valid in the eyes of God and asked him to please not give up on God. The conversation ended with him essentially saying ‘loving God is hard when I am bombarded by messages like this.’ This person was my absolute best friend who knows me better than any other person alive, and now he avoids me because I hurt his feelings and I avoid him because I can never tell him how sorry I am because I wish I could be open about myself.
Please do not think I am saying all homosexuals are confused. My difficulty in expressing myself comes from having these feelings deep inside of me that I can tell no one - I am resorting to this online forum full of strangers to ask for advice, yet I know that we are not really strangers at all - we are a family through Christ.
I am trying my hardest to not say I am gay. I have tried every way possible to justify homosexuality. In my college days I met a man, who’ll will call “John,” who I felt a connection to. I felt “normal” with him. We never acted on any lustful impulse and because of his similar Catholic upbringing, we never even talked about certain lusts because we both already realized they were not an option. We were happy in complete secret. I ended up telling John that I was not gay and that we both needed to find help. He was devastated and to this day I can never forgive myself for hurting him, although I feel that was the decision I was supposed to make? This is what led me to first consider suicide. I thought about sitting in the garage and turning the car on, letting the gas take me away. Through God’s love, I was saved.
I want to say, more than anything, that I will just live my life and strive to always help my students achieve greater and greater expectations, but I so badly want to adopt and raise a child with John. Yes, I loved him more than anyone else I have ever met, and I feel like I’m ripped in half when I see him and have to pretend I barely know him.
I have considered suicide in the past, yet I cannot let those around me down and I cannot forsake all that God has given me. I feel like a coward by telling that I have thought of suicide, but I want to feel brave by at least putting this somewhere. Although my family and friends accept and love me - even if they did find out about John and I - I want God to also love me (although I know he already does?). If you have taken the time to read this, I sincerely thank you. If you or someone you know has ever experienced this pain, please let me know how you have coped with it or ever overcame it.
Growing up, I was blessed with two loving parents who allowed me to develop my faith into what it is today - a strong devotion to God and all the ability to appreciate what he gives us each and every day. I have never had financial problems and I attended the finest private schools in Kentucky before becoming a teacher myself. I admit that I have been blessed in a materialistic sense. As we know, however, money doesn’t buy everything - especially God’s love. I am an active member of my church, yet I struggle with something I have battled my entire life - I am a man who has always felt closer to men than women.
The Bible tells us that homosexuality is an abomination. There is a difference between tolerance and acceptance; I have encountered many people in my life who are gay and I love them in a Christian sense, yet I do not ‘accept’ their unions. We know that marriage is an institution of God which allows us the gift of children. Children, then, are proof of God’s love for us - this I strongly believe. As homosexuals are not able to produce children due to mechanical reproductive isolation (or, in other words, incompatible parts), they are unable to physically represent God’s love. Understanding this, I cannot ‘accept’ myself.
I have never told anyone of my attraction to men - I have even created this profile for the specific reason of trying to find answers that will allow me to somehow fix myself. Even using that word - “fix” - I exert a contradiction because I know there is nothing wrong with me - all of God’s children are perfect. The question I must ask myself is how I may overcome this struggle? Please be open-minded and non-judgmental in understanding that I am not crazy - I am trusted with educating your children.
I am educated enough to understand that no gay person fits into a neatly defined box we can label “gay.” One of my friends who I hunted with, fished with, played football with, and simply never conceived as being gay in any stereotypical fashion ended up coming out to me the summer before we parted ways and went to college in different states. I assured him he was still my friend and nothing changed between us for many years. That is, until he accepted a position as an IT specialist at the institution where I teach, putting us back into contact. Knowing that I attend church regularly, we began a discussion that led to him asking me, “Does your church accept gays?” I replied honestly: “No.” This slippery slope led me to thoughtfully asking him to reconsider his relationship with his partner, which I could tell upset him. I told him that I could not accept him or his relationship as valid in the eyes of God and asked him to please not give up on God. The conversation ended with him essentially saying ‘loving God is hard when I am bombarded by messages like this.’ This person was my absolute best friend who knows me better than any other person alive, and now he avoids me because I hurt his feelings and I avoid him because I can never tell him how sorry I am because I wish I could be open about myself.
Please do not think I am saying all homosexuals are confused. My difficulty in expressing myself comes from having these feelings deep inside of me that I can tell no one - I am resorting to this online forum full of strangers to ask for advice, yet I know that we are not really strangers at all - we are a family through Christ.
I am trying my hardest to not say I am gay. I have tried every way possible to justify homosexuality. In my college days I met a man, who’ll will call “John,” who I felt a connection to. I felt “normal” with him. We never acted on any lustful impulse and because of his similar Catholic upbringing, we never even talked about certain lusts because we both already realized they were not an option. We were happy in complete secret. I ended up telling John that I was not gay and that we both needed to find help. He was devastated and to this day I can never forgive myself for hurting him, although I feel that was the decision I was supposed to make? This is what led me to first consider suicide. I thought about sitting in the garage and turning the car on, letting the gas take me away. Through God’s love, I was saved.
I want to say, more than anything, that I will just live my life and strive to always help my students achieve greater and greater expectations, but I so badly want to adopt and raise a child with John. Yes, I loved him more than anyone else I have ever met, and I feel like I’m ripped in half when I see him and have to pretend I barely know him.
I have considered suicide in the past, yet I cannot let those around me down and I cannot forsake all that God has given me. I feel like a coward by telling that I have thought of suicide, but I want to feel brave by at least putting this somewhere. Although my family and friends accept and love me - even if they did find out about John and I - I want God to also love me (although I know he already does?). If you have taken the time to read this, I sincerely thank you. If you or someone you know has ever experienced this pain, please let me know how you have coped with it or ever overcame it.
How many people in this world, single or married, are childless, out of various reasons? Do you think that God doesn’t love childless people or that they have the slightest reason to feel abnormal, damned, inferior to those who procreate children? Not to mention that you *already *have children, since you are a teacher - I had a terrific teacher (single, childless, hetero) who used to say that she was the mother of hundreds of children; I’m proud to be one of them and to this day I’m very grateful to her.