Supervision of Large Families and Forgiveness

[BIB_MT]

I wanted to ask this here, because I want a Christian perspective and I know us Catholics tend to have large families!

How realistic is it to expect parents to maintain supervision on small children in the setting of a large family? Should this be a priority?

I know someone (a relative) who cannot seem to properly supervise her children, at least in my humble opinion. She has 5 young children, and there have been many instances in public places where her young children were left unattended/unsupervised. Thankfully nothing has ever happened!

I only have two children, expecting another. I’m not sure if I am being unrealistic or hard on this person. I realize it must take a lot to watch and care for so many children, but this is a habitual thing, with potentially life threatening consequences.

Just today, we went to a local outdoor festival. Many family members were there, but there were huge crowds of people. My husband was was about 15 feet away from this woman and her kids. There were strangers and crowds in between them, they just happened to be close but not aware of each other really. Her youngest child, a 1 year old, wandered away and went up to my husband who was with our oldest son in a double stroller. The child was trying to climb in the stroller, so my husband sat him in there where there was some shade from the heat. The child was in the care of my husband for approximately 10-15 minutes.

Eventually the woman came over and asked my husband if he knew where her son was and if he had him. My husband said he was in the stroller and other than saying “Phew”, it didn’t seem to phase her.

I’m struggling to forgive these actions, as I get angry when I think about them. This child could have gotten lost and injured in the heat and become dehydrated and sunburnt wandering aimlessly around. Or wondered into the street and gotten hit by a car. Or abducted by a criminal.

I have noticed similar things with other large families, not to just pick on this one woman. Is it just the nature of the beast with a large family or is this irresponsible?

I realize parents are human and have a lot on their plate, and accidents happen. Yet at least with this particular family it is a habitual thing, and I’m not talking about things happening in the privacy of someone’s home (where children are generally contained and safe). I don’t mind helping watch other people’s children and living essentially as an extended family/community. However, I’m not sure if it should be expected that other people keep track of your children like this. I would gladly help if asked, but we never were asked to help. It seems like this woman EXPECTS other people to help her in this way, based on her actions I’m familiar with.

I fear one day something tragic may happen when there’s no one there to pick up the slack. I’m just trying to focus on what I should be doing to help myself not feel angry with this person anymore, especially since this keeps happening and every time it does I find it harder to get over it.

 

[QuiteCatholic]

So you’ve seen this with a lot of large families? I have 6 children and I’ve always watched my children like a hawk. I’ve seen people with only 1 or 2 children do the same thing. It’s called being careless. I’ve had people with just one have their child wander over to us and not come over for the longest time to get them. It was nice of your husband to put the child in the stroller and maybe when the mother came over he could have said something in a nice way about the child wandering around. It you try to tell someone your concerns and then it’s ignored and something bad happens at least you know you tried to tell her. Let go of your angry and pray for her that she keeps a closer watch on her children.

 

[Xantippe]

“It you try to tell someone your concerns and then it’s ignored and something bad happens at least you know you tried to tell her.”

Yes.

Bear in mind, that the mother may be really frazzled and at exhausted, which is why this keeps happening (sleep deprivation makes you stupid and careless). So, be prepared for her saying something like, “I’m so tired all the time and I can’t handle this!” And then (if you really do want to help this family), you’ll have to make some concrete offers of assistance. If you could figure out a way to get this mother a nap, you could save a life (or many–she’s driving, right?).

 

[Xantippe]

Then, again, I have seen a lot of families locally (and not necessarily large families, either) who go for a more “relaxed” approach to supervision. The bigger kids get sent outside with the little kids in a pack while the grownups are talking. Sometimes the venue is pretty much appropriate (a nice lawn near church), but sometimes “outside” is basically a parking lot near a busy road. It scares me to death and I’m expecting a tragedy eventually, but it hasn’t happened yet. My husband has gone outside to keep an eye on everybody when there were concerns. Our greater level of concern is eventually going to cost us a lot of happy fun grownup talk time, but it’s worth the price.

 

[CradleJourney]

I wanted to ask this here, because I want a Christian perspective and I know us Catholics tend to have large families!

How realistic is it to expect parents to maintain supervision on small children in the setting of a large family? Should this be a priority?

It is as realistic as expecting parents to maintain supervision of small children in the setting of a small family In other words - big/small/whatever sized family - small children must be supervised properly.

When I had several small ones, I usually “wore” one and the rest (up to age 7 or so) had the “touch” rule when we went to large gatherings/stores/etc. They had to have at least two fingers touching me, the stroller, cart, etc. at all times - and I strictly enforced this.

The thing is, when I had my oldest (who was an “only” for 8 years) - guess what? I had that same touch rule for her as well

In other words, my rules of supervision didn’t change with the larger number of children - just my need for creativity in implementing them.

I think that applies to other parenting styles as well - a laid back parent who lets a child wander is going to do so whether it’s one child or five.

That said - it is definitely easier to “lose” a child when you have several, and it is absolutely more exhausting.

There is also the past experience factor. When you take your child to a park to let them play for example, at first you may be very careful and watchful. By the fortieth time you take your child to the park (and nothing has happened before), you’re going to be more relaxed in your supervision.

By the time you’ve taken your child(ren) to the park several hundred times (my six are spread out over 19 years), then your level of parenting supervision is probably much looser than that of other parents - particularly if the children are past the preschool age, and there’s more than 3 of them.

3 is my personal magic number someone gets hurt/stuck, child #2 can stay with them, child #3 can come find me. So for example, I’ll leave the 2 elementary kids at the playground with their middle school aged brother while I run a trail around the perimeter - even though this puts me out of direct sight of the kids for periods of 5 to 8 minutes at a time. I understand the thought of leaving any child / any age unsupervised for any time freaks some people out, but this is what I feel comfortable with. There’s always a need for balance and judgement.)

 

[Aggies08]

Yes, there is a responsibility to supervise your (generic) young children. If they are young enough they need a leash, so be it. I will have one in a carrier, one on a stroller, and have made “handles” for the sides of the stroller- the 2, 3, 4 year olds really like that. Older than 2-3 should be able to listen and obey directions, whether that is to stay on this piece of grass (somewhere with a visual barrier), or hold the handle.

Depending on the maturity of the child, rules may be different. One if mine is very mature, and remember what the rules are- she gets more flexibility than the boy who runs wild at the same age unless he’s holding the handle on the stroller.

I regularly take out 5-6 young kids (not all mine, but they are with me most of the day!), and we don’t have any problems- but I ensure they know the rules, what is expected of them, and what will happen if they don’t listen.

Generally, with young kids (under 3, some 2’s are good though!), you need a containment unit when you are out. A stroller, shopping cart, leash, handles on something for them to hold if there are more than 1 or 2. Think in advance- how bored may the child be? What is there for them to do? How can I make this a pleasant experience for them (and hence all who are going)?

I try not to make mine responsible for each other, but they do watch out for one another. Generally at parks and such, if they are in sight, I’m happy- worst that happens is they fall down or get stuck somewhere, and it takes me a minute to get to them. They won’t get any more hurt in that minute, and perhaps they’ll remember what happened for the next time!

There have always been and always will be irresponsible people, and people who don’t live up to my or your personal expectation or preferences. I think it’s best to do what you can- let the woman know her son was trying to get in your stroller, or that he’s about to fall off the cliff, etc- and hope the Lord watches him in the future. We all have bad days or something suddenly distracts us from a child- I try to assume the best when I see something like that happen. Perhaps she was so embarrassed/upset the best she could manage was a thanks and wanted to “get out of there.”

 

[bcuster]

Yes, there is a responsibility to supervise your (generic) young children. If they are young enough they need a leash, so be it. I will have one in a carrier, one on a stroller, and have made “handles” for the sides of the stroller- the 2, 3, 4 year olds really like that. Older than 2-3 should be able to listen and obey directions, whether that is to stay on this piece of grass (somewhere with a visual barrier), or hold the handle.

Depending on the maturity of the child, rules may be different. One if mine is very mature, and remember what the rules are- she gets more flexibility than the boy who runs wild at the same age unless he’s holding the handle on the stroller.

I regularly take out 5-6 young kids (not all mine, but they are with me most of the day!), and we don’t have any problems- but I ensure they know the rules, what is expected of them, and what will happen if they don’t listen.

Generally, with young kids (under 3, some 2’s are good though!), you need a containment unit when you are out. A stroller, shopping cart, leash, handles on something for them to hold if there are more than 1 or 2. Think in advance- how bored may the child be? What is there for them to do? How can I make this a pleasant experience for them (and hence all who are going)?

I try not to make mine responsible for each other, but they do watch out for one another. Generally at parks and such, if they are in sight, I’m happy- worst that happens is they fall down or get stuck somewhere, and it takes me a minute to get to them. They won’t get any more hurt in that minute, and perhaps they’ll remember what happened for the next time!

There have always been and always will be irresponsible people, and people who don’t live up to my or your personal expectation or preferences. I think it’s best to do what you can- let the woman know her son was trying to get in your stroller, or that he’s about to fall off the cliff, etc- and hope the Lord watches him in the future. We all have bad days or something suddenly distracts us from a child- I try to assume the best when I see something like that happen. Perhaps she was so embarrassed/upset the best she could manage was a thanks and wanted to “get out of there.”

I sometime wish I could make money coaching parents in how to make their children listen to them. Whether there are 2 or 12 children, they need to know that safety is first and that mommy and daddy have consequences for their unsafe behavior. For my son, I gave him one chance to stay near me. If he ran off or ran ahead, I put my thumb and middle finger around his little write to make a “mommy” bracelet. He did not like it so eventually he learned that I meant what I said. For my husband, he would snap his fingers and our son would come running back.

 

[BIB_MT]

“It you try to tell someone your concerns and then it’s ignored and something bad happens at least you know you tried to tell her.”

Yes.

Bear in mind, that the mother may be really frazzled and at exhausted, which is why this keeps happening (sleep deprivation makes you stupid and careless). So, be prepared for her saying something like, “I’m so tired all the time and I can’t handle this!” And then (if you really do want to help this family), you’ll have to make some concrete offers of assistance. If you could figure out a way to get this mother a nap, you could save a life (or many–she’s driving, right?).

I have consulted with a priest about this family in the past, for a number of concerns. His advise was not to have a talk to these parents if they are not willing to be open/listen because it would do more harm than good in the overall picture.

This type of behavior is probably the hardest for me to forgive. I’m trying to work on it but I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I havent met a mother yet that’s not tired! That said, I know from conversations with the mom that the children sleep through the night from an early age, or are not attended to at night, so she gets a full block of sleep at night, which is more than I can say for myself. I’ve had a child who was been night waking for the last 4 consecutive years.

I would love to help her, but I don’t think lack of sleep is an issue, and they are they type who think nothing is wrong and most likely would not accept help.

I’m not sure if she is still driving. I know by law she should not be because she has no insurance and was on house arrest and her license revoked after many accidents/being caught (with her kids in the car). She was driving again within weeks, but not sure if she fixed the situation or stopped after those times I know about her driving anyway.

I’m struggling to forgive because I feel I need a reason, you know? I wish it was just an honest mistake, but knowing the frequency of this I can’t think it is. I wish she was trying to keep an eye on her kids and was just having a hard time, but she is always passing her children off to other people to watch, especially the older nieces in the family, who feel obligated to respect their elders.

That’s why I was kind of hoping it was just a large family issue altogether, so I should just say “well, it’s impossible for her to do” so I could find it easier to forgive.

I have noticed the same trend in other large families. I’m also around a family of 7 regularly, and also around another family of 2 regularly. There have been close calls in the family of 2, but someone was always there to notice and prevent anything from happening- and they seemed genuinely concerned. In the other family of 7, I have witnessed first hand another incident with their children where their young child was playing outside and almost ran into a busy highway because the kids were playing outside with no adult. Fortunately in this instance an older sibling (probably 10) noticed and got the kids back in the house. Another time with the same family, one of the kids got out of the house and was lost in the neighborhood for about an hour. I consider this family to generally be responsible, yet it still happened even to them.

That’s why I was hoping someone would tell me it’s just not realistic to expect close supervision in large families, but it appears that’s not the case.

 

[Xantippe]

“I know by law she should not be because she has no insurance and was on house arrest and her license revoked after many accidents/being caught (with her kids in the car).”

This doesn’t sound like a normal large family situation to me. I don’t know any mothers of large families who have had their licenses revoked!

If you know for a fact that she is driving without proper papers (license, insurance, etc.) don’t feel bad about dropping a dime on her. You could be saving somebody’s life (or many people’s lives) given what a terrible driver she is.

Is the dad around? And if so, how does he feel about it? He might or might not be more approachable.

 

[lisagruen1969]

My first reaction when I witness a lax parent is to pray for God’s protection for their children, and second to keep a watchful eye for any hazardous situations on this (these) child(ren). Yes, I agree to say anything of my opinion or concerns may be detrimental to the intention. Yes, I agree that parents, whether of a large family or stretched out family, will tend to be more lax as they mature as parents, and may not be neglectful. I myself can be considered a lax parent, as I’ve had other parents bring my boys (8 and 10) to me with news of them running amok or being disruptive and so forth. I very much appreciate other parents bringing my kids’ behavior to my attention, and I welcome their authority over my kids (telling my child to be respectful, stop running in the hall, pay attention, etc) when I am not paying attention. For me, the plain statistics about stranger-caused abductions or accidents when I’ve got my back turned give me more confidence that I can relax with my hover-parent supervision and not fear every time they are out of my sight. I’m also blessed with a husband who is very observant with our 3 year old and relieves me of my supervising duties when we’re out. With time comes confidence and trust, so put your concerns in God’s hands and be confident in your own handling of your child’s activities. Most of us parents know where that line is that, when crossed by a neglectful or abusive parents, we will notify authorities in order to protect a child~ God bless you!

 

[BIB_MT]

“I know by law she should not be because she has no insurance and was on house arrest and her license revoked after many accidents/being caught (with her kids in the car).”

This doesn’t sound like a normal large family situation to me. I don’t know any mothers of large families who have had their licenses revoked!

If you know for a fact that she is driving without proper papers (license, insurance, etc.) don’t feel bad about dropping a dime on her. You could be saving somebody’s life (or many people’s lives) given what a terrible driver she is.

Is the dad around? And if so, how does he feel about it? He might or might not be more approachable.

Yes, there are many issues going on with this family. Serious issues, which is why I have already consulted a trustworthy priest. We have considered talking to the husband and/or wife, calling CPS, going to the police. Bottom line with spiritual advice was to step back because of the harm that could come. If mom goes to jail or loses custody of the kids, I would hate to see the children split up, which would most likely happen since they have so many. There is so much to the story, but trust that I have considered all options and trust my priests advice, who actually has children himself (converted after marrying). The husband is no better than the wife, and really leaves most of the burden on her.

I realize some parents are more lax than others. I am more lax in many ways. I feel this goes beyond parenting style and crosses into neglect, being aware of all the other issues going on with the family. I know my mother in law has talked to the wife about this very issue because she also is concerned. Obviously it hasnt motivated the wife to change her behavior.

I feel better after going to Mass today. I’m not angry anymore, just disappointed and worried. Our priest talked today about being persistent with prayer. I need to remember to keep this family in my prayers. I often slack off when there isnt an immediate concern.

My only other question is: Where do I draw the line between helping this family (keeping an eye out when around them) and enabling them to continue the behavior? Do I back off and let little accidents happen?

 

[holyrood]

I’ve known large families who keep an excellent watch on their children, and I’ve known small families who, as you describe, constantly lose their children.

It sounds like there’s more going on here than the number of children, and some of what you say makes me think you’re being awfully critical of a woman who may be dealing with way more than you know. Your talk of ‘forgiving’ her seems to speak of some animosity, when she hasn’t done anything to you.

I hope you’ll pray for her.

 

[BIB_MT]

I’ve known large families who keep an excellent watch on their children, and I’ve known small families who, as you describe, constantly lose their children.

It sounds like there’s more going on here than the number of children, and some of what you say makes me think you’re being awfully critical of a woman who may be dealing with way more than you know. Your talk of ‘forgiving’ her seems to speak of some animosity, when she hasn’t done anything to you.

I hope you’ll pray for her.

Yes, I do struggle with animosity towards this woman. That is why I’m asking for help with getting over that. It’s not as if she has done something to me personally. She probably has no idea how her actions bother me.

I guess it bothers me more than it would with just any random person because this is family. Her children are my nieces and nephews, one of which is my goddaughter. It’s the welfare of the children that gets me so angry. We are One Body in Christ, and what hurts one part of the body hurts the rest.

I do know this woman well and know her situation well. Again, we are close family. There is much more to this story about things that go on. CPS has been involved before (not by me). Other serious things (habitual things) have gone on that are far beyond the scope of this thread. I would like to avoid going into further detail because I don’t think it would benefit anyone to discuss the other matters and doesn’t help with me dealing with my end of the problem.

It is to the point where I have seriously prepared myself for the worst. I would not be surprised to get a call one day that one of the children have died. Or that the mother is in jail for driving without insurance again. Or the kids have been taken away because of more calls to CPS. My husband and I have talked about what would happen if they lost custody of the kids, if we would step up to help.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly critical. I do know I’m not the only one in the family who has serious concerns (about many of the issues, not just this one). I do know the MIL has also talked to the woman about leaving the kids unattended because she is concerned too. And from the stories I have heard of my husband growing up, I know MIL and FIL were extremely lax parents.

So, I would like to think I’m not being overly critical. But I guess it is possible. That’s kind of why I posted the question in the first place, to see if this is normal everyday behavior to not be worried about or not.

 

[gracepoole]

Yeah…this is a problem. In certain circumstances (say, when you’re at a family member’s home and you’re reasonably certain that your children are being commonly supervised by the entire group), I suppose it’s more acceptable to close the eyes in the back of your head. But it is indeed dangerous to do so with strangers around. My husband and I struggle with the same thing in terms of family friends with four children. We recently participated in a parade together and for a good portion of it, the parents had no idea where two of their kids were. Thankfully, they were with our family.

Have other family members noticed this behavior? Has anyone else ever said anything to these parents? I’d say forgiveness isn’t really the primary concern here – ensuring the safety of their children is. I don’t mean to be an alarmist but little ones sometimes need someone to speak up on their behalf. Has either parent ever participated in parenting classes? Are they attending Mass? Has a priest ever spoken with them about this issue?

 

[BIB_MT]

Have other family members noticed this behavior? Has anyone else ever said anything to these parents? I’d say forgiveness isn’t really the primary concern here – ensuring the safety of their children is. I don’t mean to be an alarmist but little ones sometimes need someone to speak up on their behalf. Has either parent ever participated in parenting classes? Are they attending Mass? Has a priest ever spoken with them about this issue?

As I said, my mother in law has voiced concerns. Other members of the family have voiced concerns about other serious issues (including child care issues), but basically most people except my MIL have stopped attempting to talk to them because it gets us no where. The last time the woman got in a car accident, the officer could have put her in jail. He chose not to and instead she got house arrest. She was driving again, presumably still without insurance based on what I know. If potentially going to jail and being separated from your children isn’t enough motivation to change, I doubt there is anything my husband or I could say that would do any better.They continue to live their lives this way, and talking to them only seems to alienate the couple (especially the husband). They are attending Mass pretty regularly last time I checked. There may be some weeks they miss here and there but still go on a regular basis. I have no idea if a priest has ever spoken to them about this. I doubt it, since the priests probably do not know of these things just from seeing them at Mass.

Basically our choices are to pursue government intrusion and potentially split up the family, causing a rift in the family, or remain quiet, pray, and try and be there as best we can without making them defensive or angry with us, so we can still be there for the kids. Upon consulting with our priest, we decided to take a step back to avoid breaking the family apart. But we still have contact with them on a regular basis, and it still upsets me to see the behavior.

My goddaughter has called me “Mama” several times when I’m around her, it breaks my hear to see their safety at risk. I wish I could do more to help the woman out, but I’m limited myself. I’m already caring for my own family. I do not want to invite this woman to my house because I don’t want her driving. I cannot go to her house because of safety concerns for my own children.

I’m not sure what else to do. I’m praying that God will help me forgive. Something like this happens and I get upset. Then after awhile it fades, but all the anger comes rushing back as soon as the NEXT thing happens.

 

[FatherOfTwelve]

It is as realistic as expecting parents to maintain supervision of small children in the setting of a small family In other words - big/small/whatever sized family - small children must be supervised properly.

When I had several small ones, I usually “wore” one and the rest (up to age 7 or so) had the “touch” rule when we went to large gatherings/stores/etc. They had to have at least two fingers touching me, the stroller, cart, etc. at all times - and I strictly enforced this.

The thing is, when I had my oldest (who was an “only” for 8 years) - guess what? I had that same touch rule for her as well

In other words, my rules of supervision didn’t change with the larger number of children - just my need for creativity in implementing them.

I think that applies to other parenting styles as well - a laid back parent who lets a child wander is going to do so whether it’s one child or five.

That said - it is definitely easier to “lose” a child when you have several, and it is absolutely more exhausting.

There is also the past experience factor. When you take your child to a park to let them play for example, at first you may be very careful and watchful. By the fortieth time you take your child to the park (and nothing has happened before), you’re going to be more relaxed in your supervision.

By the time you’ve taken your child(ren) to the park several hundred times (my six are spread out over 19 years), then your level of parenting supervision is probably much looser than that of other parents - particularly if the children are past the preschool age, and there’s more than 3 of them.

3 is my personal magic number someone gets hurt/stuck, child #2 can stay with them, child #3 can come find me. So for example, I’ll leave the 2 elementary kids at the playground with their middle school aged brother while I run a trail around the perimeter - even though this puts me out of direct sight of the kids for periods of 5 to 8 minutes at a time. I understand the thought of leaving any child / any age unsupervised for any time freaks some people out, but this is what I feel comfortable with. There’s always a need for balance and judgement.)

DITO to alot you have said. My wife has simular rules.
To the OP, do the best you can around your “friend”. Follow the advice given here and always PRAY. Even the best of parents can slip up from time to time.
God Bless,
FoT.

 

[FatherOfTwelve]

Wow, I posted my reply before reading the rest of the posts.
Praying for wisdom and safety for the kids!
FOT

 

[Xantippe]

If she’s a really bad driver, it’s not just one child in jeopardy–it’s every single one of her children, plus whatever unlucky group of people she runs into. The potential for major fatalities are actually huge. If you know she is driving and she isn’t supposed to be, turn her in. You could be saving half a dozen or a dozen lives.

I’m starting to remember your previous posts (this is the headlice family, yes?), and I wonder if the mom just isn’t very bright, or at least not smart enough to be a mother of a large family.

 

[holyrood]

I think the **first **thing is to separate out that this is not an issue of large families. I can’t speak for anyone else, but when the issue is posed as one of all the large families you’ve known who don’t watch their kids…hackles may go up. (And actually, I don’t even consider 5 a large family!)

Second, apparently, there’s way more going on here than a mother not seeing her child wander off. Driving without a license…things that routinely and repeatedly endanger the kids’ physical safety to the point you fear for their lives…a father who seems a bit absent? My guess would be that the things you don’t want to discuss are probably the root of the problem, and nothing will change until those things are dealt with and addressed. Nobody here can give accurate advice with only one small part of the story.

I would want to know, for instance, why was she driving without a license and why did she lose her license in the first place. Couldn’t afford the fee for a new one and had to get her child to the doctor, for instance, is very different from six DUIs and had to drive to the store for more liquor. There’s still an issue, obviously, but the reasons behind both do change the story.

The husband in question–is that your brother? Is anybody talking to him, or is this guy being a bum who’s even worse than her yet they’re all going to her and telling her to fix it all when she’s already under the burden of dealing with someone the rest of you are afraid to talk to?

(And I realize that may be a completely wrong interpretation of the situation–I’m just saying from what I’ve read, that’s one possible view of what’s going on, in which case this poor woman must be on the brink of a complete collapse, dealing with him and then being pressured by ‘concerned family’ to MAKE him and the whole family and herself all be better. I do NOT mean this at all critically of you or anyone, I’m only offering it as how this might look from her perspective, based on my own very limited knowledge of the situation.)

Because of the lack of knowledge for those of us on this forum, I would strongly suggest you stick with the advice of the priest, who probably knows much more of the situation than we do.

Third, you seem to be asking and telling different things, and I wonder if this is because the situation is upsetting and your feelings and questions about what to do are just one big jumble right now. But whether to call CPS and what to say to this woman are two entirely different questions than that of forgiving her. And I think the questions about CPS or what to say hinge more on the other things going on, whatever they are, than on not watching the kids properly, and none of that has much to do with having a big family.

My suggestion is to focus first on your forgiveness. I do understand your use of that word with your further explanation. I think it’s going to come only with constant prayer. You might look, too, into some of the al-anon literature. It’s very helpful for re-focusing on the realization that we simply cannot control or cure many things, and looking at our own way of dealing with life.

What has helped me with forgiveness (I’ve posted often enough here about family issues) is to understand what the people in question are coming from, to understand their brokenness, to see the bullying man for instance as the little boy who was abused and mistreated. It doesn’t mean I *tolerate *his abuse of me, now, here, today. I won’t go near him. BUT…understanding some of what’s really gone on in his life has allowed me to be forgiving rather than live in anger. It has also helped me bridge that gap with people where I don’t know their past, to realize, everybody has one, and we just don’t know what a person has gone through. This is not about saying bad behavior is okay, but about being able to take whatever stand we need to take out of a place of compassion, love, and wisdom, rather than out of anger or vengeance.

Pray and ask God for wisdom and understanding.

I’m sorry, I wish I had a miracle answer for what sounds like a no-win situation.

 

[QuiteCatholic]

I’ve known large families who keep an excellent watch on their children, and I’ve known small families who, as you describe, constantly lose their children.

It sounds like there’s more going on here than the number of children, and some of what you say makes me think you’re being awfully critical of a woman who may be dealing with way more than you know. Your talk of ‘forgiving’ her seems to speak of some animosity, when she hasn’t done anything to you.

I hope you’ll pray for her.

I agree.

My question is, Who are you not to forgive? Let it go and pray for her and yourself.