Supervision of Large Families and Forgiveness

[gardenswithkids]

Yes, I do struggle with animosity towards this woman. That is why I’m asking for help with getting over that. It’s not as if she has done something to me personally. She probably has no idea how her actions bother me…I’m not sure if I’m being overly critical. I do know I’m not the only one in the family who has serious concerns (about many of the issues, not just this one). I do know the MIL has also talked to the woman about leaving the kids unattended because she is concerned too. And from the stories I have heard of my husband growing up, I know MIL and FIL were extremely lax parents.

So, I would like to think I’m not being overly critical. But I guess it is possible. That’s kind of why I posted the question in the first place, to see if this is normal everyday behavior to not be worried about or not.

What you have described is not normal every day behavior. I think you already knew that. However, I also think you may be overly critical of this woman. I wrote something up last night but my computer ate it. I wondered if this was an in-law situation. In-laws often have very different parenting styles and expectations from one another. And if this woman is your husband’s and MIL’s in-law, then her expectations might be even further apart from yours.

In some families, it might be perfectly normal to expect extended family to help with supervising the youngest children. Older cousins playing with and watching their younger cousins is fairly normal when some families get together. In my family, aunts and uncles and cousins etc. helped out with the care of the youngest when we got together–but the supervision level was high and there were more eyes watching out for the safety of the children, not less. Parents shared the responsibility and let the other know who is watching whom, sort of like playing “tag.” (Your husband watching the 1 yo who wandered off without letting the mom know right away where the toddler was wouldn’t happen in my little world. I’d have been a mess!) But in my husband’s family, he did not have that same level of supervision growing up. I cannot reasonably expect help from them in watching my younger children when we get together for a variety of reasons. It took me a while to learn that. To be honest, I had some hurt feelings and resentment over the issue. Even in writing up my response on this thread last night, I realized that I* still* need to work on forgiving them.

Are you by chance irritated because you provide help for this woman in caring for her children without receiving help in return when you get together with your in-laws? Has she perhaps become the “scape goat” in your mind? Are you perhaps a little resentful because when your husband was suppose to be watching your child, he also had to watch her child? And does your husband’s supervisory style already tend to differ from your own, (as is often the case between mothers and fathers)? Add to that that your in-laws supervision is already more lax than yours, and this woman might represent everything that you don’t like about your in-laws and more.

I see that you are worried for your nieces and nephews’ safety–and you may have reason to be! But you express having difficulty forgiving her, and I suspect that it might be because she not only doesn’t watch her own kids, but she makes it more difficult for you to feel that your own children are safe when you are together with your in-laws. And the little help that they give with caring for the youngest children in the extended family all might go to her.

We are here to learn to love like God loves. In-laws often provide a special opportunity to learn how to love. Don’t make this woman a scapegoat. Her neediness (and possible mental illness) may bring out in characteristics and the ability to love that you and your other in-laws might not otherwise learn.:getholy:

 

[BIB_MT]

I think the **first **thing is to separate out that this is not an issue of large families. I can’t speak for anyone else, but when the issue is posed as one of all the large families you’ve known who don’t watch their kids…hackles may go up. (And actually, I don’t even consider 5 a large family!)

I would want to know, for instance, why was she driving without a license and why did she lose her license in the first place. Couldn’t afford the fee for a new one and had to get her child to the doctor, for instance, is very different from six DUIs and had to drive to the store for more liquor. There’s still an issue, obviously, but the reasons behind both do change the story.

The husband in question–is that your brother? Is anybody talking to him, or is this guy being a bum who’s even worse than her yet they’re all going to her and telling her to fix it all when she’s already under the burden of dealing with someone the rest of you are afraid to talk to?

Third, you seem to be asking and telling different things, and I wonder if this is because the situation is upsetting and your feelings and questions about what to do are just one big jumble right now. But whether to call CPS and what to say to this woman are two entirely different questions than that of forgiving her.

First, I apologize because as you say I think facts came out unorganized and a mess. I was trying to limit the amount of info given because there is so much to the story, it would just be a disaster.

I think what happened, is this particular instance started bothering me- the lack of supervision. So, I was looking for a way to help me forgive her. One way I did that, was looking at my own family, and at other families. Since I have seen large families (not all of the by the way- didn’t mean to imply that) do the same thing, I thought maybe this could help give me some closure and move on.

The license issue happened they continued to drive without insurance (and get caught whether by being pulled over for traffic violations or having car accidents). They live right by her daughter’s school, in walking distance. Other than going to the store for groceries or doctors appointments, there is no need for her to drive. And unless a medical emergency, all those things can be arranged for dad to do after work or schedule an appointment and get help getting there. On the day of her last accident, when she could have been put to jail had a different officer been there, she was going to buy a toy from an online garage sale site.

It is my husband’s brother and her wife. Talking to him is pointless. The family (not just us) have offered help in several ways and it is never accepted.

Calling CPS isn’t an option right now, I was just explaining the situation a little more clearly that way people understand there aren’t really many practical things I can do to solve this problem, and that’s why I’m trying to focus on forgiveness because I am limited in what I can do at this point.

 

[BIB_MT]

What you have described is not normal every day behavior. I think you already knew that. However, I also think you may be overly critical of this woman. I wrote something up last night but my computer ate it. I wondered if this was an in-law situation. In-laws often have very different parenting styles and expectations from one another. And if this woman is your husband’s and MIL’s in-law, then her expectations might be even further apart from yours.

In some families, it might be perfectly normal to expect extended family to help with supervising the youngest children.

Are you by chance irritated because you provide help for this woman in caring for her children without receiving help in return when you get together with your in-laws? Has she perhaps become the “scape goat” in your mind?.

Yes, it is an in law situation. Both me and the other woman are the outsides/non relatives in the family. Our husbands are brothers, but their family is now our family, so we are all really close and basically go off the norms in our husbands family, if that makes sense.

I do realize everyone has different norms like this. For example, with my neighbors, we all watch out for each other when our kids are outside, and we are happy to do it!

With the family situation, it’s understood generally speaking, every parent is supposed to watch their own kids, unless you’ve asked someone to keep an eye out and they have agree. But most of the time, when we are together in a family setting, in someone’s private home, it’s not an issue anyway. If a parent notices something, someone will mention it to the other parents so they are aware.

It’s the lack of supervision in public places that is the concern.

I’m 100% sure that I’m not making this woman out to be the “scapegoat”. I would have no problem watching the kids if she asked, and even there are times I volunteer and say “Let me hold the baby while you do that”. I’ve even offered to change diapers for her. I’m never around my husband’s family, and this woman, unless my husband is with me. So my husband is always there to watch our kids so that it’s not a problem. In fact, it’s understood between my husband and I that when we’re around this family he may have to do more care with our own children than usual so I can help out. Honestly I dont mind the break from my own kids! I’d have no problem welcoming the kids into my home if I had to. So, I don’t think that is the main issue.

I do have sympathy for the mom on many levels. I do know she would like more help from the husband, but at the end of the day I don’t think she really feels “I wish I could do better and had more help”. Rather I think it’s a “I take good care of my kids. I’d like more help but I’m doing just fine without it.” If that makes sense? She is able to recognize shortcomings in other parents, so I’m doubtful she is mentally unable to analyze her own behavior, even if there are mental problems going on. I could be wrong on that one. I’m not sure.

Either way, I need to figure out how to let it go.These feelings arent helping anyone in the situation. Sometimes I even feel like I need to avoid her because I know theres a good possibility they will do something that angers me, which I realize is my own problem.

 

[lisagruen1969]

I appreciate reading all the wisdom and insight everyone is offering! As someone who once worked for Child Protective Services, I put this before you:

• if this were a stranger whom you encountered, would you be able to assess the danger in a more objective way? based on protective laws and moral code, are these parents violating the rules and putting their children at serious risk for neglect, harm, or abuse? If the children were yours, would you exercise your adult perogative to intervene to protect them?

If you said yes to any of these questions, then by all means call everyone who can intervene and get those kids to a safer place! Call the govt office, your priest, their priest, police, and get the alarms sounding! Just loving your children isn’t enough to keep them safe. Wanting to avoid rocking the boat isn’t a good enough reason! Search “Children’s coffins” online and spend some time imagining having to go to a Mass funeral where one of your nephews or nieces was enclosed in that, dead due to neglect or abuse. If the officials visit and don’t find cause to intervene, it’s a false alarm. One thing that may happen, if there isn’t enough evidence to remove children from their home, is to require the parents to undergo parenting classes, etc in order to retain custody. That sounds like what you’d like to happen. This can happen! Keep praying , because God has a plan through all this. If God wasn’t trying to include you in this drama, you wouldn’t feel so compelled to do something to help. Blessings to you!