I’m trying very hard to focus on the good here…so here it is.
I have an official, formal diagnosis.
And the doctors say I am one of the people who can manage the condition without medication.
This is HUGE NEWS. It’s an indication that 1) I am considered well enough to manage this through simple therapy (“you just need someone to vent to once a week”) and 2) It means no possible horrible side effects from medicine.
I know people who have been in my situation and have been through the gamut of medicine. I was on three WRONG medicines since February until May (one plunged me into complete debilitating depression, one kicked me into hyperactivity and irrationality, the other one caused such a bad reaction in my body I ended up spending a night in the hospital), but I am grateful that it was only three months instead of years and years of “guess and check” (which is quite common.)
The doctor and therapist are strongly recommending I return to school, as a resident, and working. They both agree it is what is best for me, and that I am capable of handling it without any, how do I put this gently, ‘incidents.’
I can now identify my triggers, I know how to manage them effectively (getting better), and can even identify physical precursors to episodes. I never thought I’d say this, but thank God for migraine headaches. I have the episodes timed, and can measure their frequency as well. Since I’ve started working and have been able to move some of my things from my house (I am trying to get as independent from my home as possible, per doctor’s recommendations since “your home is too stressful and it can make managing this very hard”), the episodes have decreased in frequency and intensity. WOOHOO!
It’s great to have people affirm your sanity. It’s also great to have the wrong medicine completely out o your system. It’s been a month, and I still have my down days…but I think it’s normal to have them, so long as they don’t overwhelm you (and seriously: I think anyone in my situation would be pretty darn blue and frustrated sometimes, so I think it’s alright that I’m not little miss sunshine all the time right now)…and so far, I’ve been able to cut off a lot of the things that trigger bad responses. It’s great – I have control over my emotions instead of the other way around for the first time in, oh, about four years.
The only thing that’s bothering me is that one office of the school (just one - and I say this now because I don’t want anyone thinking it’s the entire scholastic body of the campus) is still saying there are contingencies. They can still tell me I can’t come back. Or that I have to commute. Either of which means a “no” for me. (I’m too far away and right now, nobody in my house owns a car! We just sold ours and we’re trying to get a new one.) All I can do is pray and keep working.
It’s funny - I got my paperwork from the Financial Aid office two days ago for loans. On the required paperwork, you have to fill out if you’re part-time, full-time, on-campus, or off-campus. I put down full-time and on campus.
Jumping the gun a bit? Maybe. But it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission in this case, if that makes much sense. Still a long way from 100%, but they tell you in therapy and whatnot not to aim for 100% - they say aim for 75, since no one is perfect. I am pretty darn close to 75.
The only thing I can do is hope that the one office in particular agrees. I love the mount’s professors, and I love most of the people who work there. But I get this very distinct feeling whenever I call this one office that they really are trying to give me a hard way to go. I feel like I’m a pariah or they want to seal me in a bubble. The contingency of which they speak is this: “We want to make sure we can accommodate you.”
Accommodate…like I’m contagious or something. The phrase “adequate resources” has also come into play. They’ve also brought up the fact that I don’t drive as a possible reason for concern. Look, if I have to go off-campus once a week, I’m sure someone would drive me. And since I’d be working on campus, I could definitely pay them for gas! Sometimes it really irritates me that I am jumping through this many hoops and yet there is absolutely no certainty to my return. I obviously don’t know that much about how the school operates these things, but it sure feels like they’re singling me out.
I honestly feel like I’m being discriminated against for having a mental illness. And it hurts. If the doctors say I’m okay, and the therapist says I’m okay, and they tell you I can handle being a resident and a student, and I’m a GOOD STUDENT (3.5+ GPA? Honors student? Able to do all that WHILE WORKING 20 HOURS A WEEK?), a good worker, and have done everything you have asked me…why is there still the doubt? Why is my “acceptance back in the community” still in question?
I’m not asking for anything extraordinary. I’m asking to be allowed to do what the doctor and therapist say is best for me and that I am able to do: go back to my school as a full-time resident, and finish my education.
But we shall see. Take the victories as they come - and being told that I don’t need medication to assist in managing the symptoms is a HUGE VICTORY, one that a lot of people don’t get. Round 2 with the MD is on Monday. He’s very hopeful for me based on the first diagnosis and meeting.
