Support for unhappily married Catholic men

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empmax

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I am an unhappily married Catholic man, completely faithful to the Church’s teaching. I am validly married, and am positive I’m not a case for annulment. There is no danger to myself, or reason to leave the marriage. I made a bad choice, not in terms of choosing my particular wife, but in choosing to marry, period. However, I made this choice and I plan on sticking by it, as I don’t take vows lightly. I know that so long as I’m married, I will be unhappy. The details surrounding this do not matter; it is what it is.

What I was wondering is if anyone knows of any sort of support available for men in my situation. I’m not looking for pity/sympathy, as the situation is of my own making. I’m also not interested in any liberal claptrap about divorce/annulment, as that is not an option. I just need practical advice as to how to deal with this, as I’m prepared to live with this burden for the rest of my life.
 
Given that you’re not asking for any solutions be they positive or not, and you’re blaming yourself, it pretty much does sound like you’re asking for pity and sympathy. Life throws us many curves, sliders and two-seam fastballs, but we’ve got to keep hacking. That said, if your swing isn’t working, maybe it’s best to ask for ways to correct instead of asking for help in dealing with striking out.
 
I’m looking for advice from other men in similar situations in how to deal with the day-to-day challenges. “Positive solution” would include living the rest of my life while retaining my faith, not bailing on my family, and getting to heaven. I’ve been married for 5 years, and virtually every day has been miserable, and I’m not expecting that to change. My resolve of late has been wavering. As such, I need to advice.
 
And what about your wife? Have you even talked things out with her? Will she know you are going to such a group (if it even exists)? If she doesn’t know, what will happen if (or when) she finds out?

I think this is an accident waiting ot happen…
 
So you want advice on how to continue to live in an unhappy situation of your own doing and you never see improving? Yeah I don’t think there is much advice to give there.

You say there’s no reason to leave the marriage and no grounds for annulment, and yet you’re perfectly unhappy. There’s just not a lot adding up here.

And Lucky’s right, one way that might improve your situation is finding how your wife feels in all of this. Obsessing over your own negative feelings is a great way to start spiraling down into the hell of your own making. Maybe focusing on how you can help your family and community would help. Focusing on “me” never really did me any good. Seeing how I could help others, on the other hand, has.
 
empmax said:
I’m looking for advice from other men in similar situations in how to deal with the day-to-day challenges. “Positive solution” would include living the rest of my life while retaining my faith, not bailing on my family, and getting to heaven. I’ve been married for 5 years, and virtually every day has been miserable, and I’m not expecting that to change. My resolve of late has been wavering. As such, I need to advice.
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I would suggest individual counseling, and perhaps later marital counseling. There are day-to-day challenges in every marriage, and at the very least counseling could help you with those. I would suspect, though, that the marriage is not the only problem here (and maybe not even the primary one, just a convenient one to dump the blame on).

I don’t recall the statistics exactly, but from what I remember 4-7 years seems to be one of the common time periods for divorce. The newlywed period is over, and you mentioned “family” so I assume there is at least one child, who is probably still young and thus takes up a lot of time and attention. The days definitely get monotonous and I think probably every spouse, at some point, thinks that they may have chosen the wrong path or the wrong person, and when they get to thinking like that it can be really easy to cast the entire marriage in that light and say things like “every day has been miserable.”

You made certain promises on your wedding day that you were (apparently) free to make and that you meant. Are you living up to those promises? If there isn’t a situation of spousal abuse or mental instability, perhaps your marriage can be strengthened by your taking the initiative to learn to be a better husband.
 
I suggest you get spiritual direction from a priest who has a good amount of experience in marriage cases, he could well give you many reasons to accept your situation and let love into your life.

Pray the Rosary.

I have had a similar situation to yours and by learning to accept Gods Providence and abandoning my life to God I have been able to become much more positive of the situation and grow in Love and joy. Trust me there is a way out of this.
 
endaman said:
I suggest you get spiritual direction from a priest who has a good amount of experience in marriage cases, he could well give you many reasons to accept your situation and let love into your life.

Pray the Rosary.

I have had a similar situation to yours and by learning to accept Gods Providence and abandoning my life to God I have been able to become much more positive of the situation and grow in Love and joy. Trust me there is a way out of this.
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I wonder if Endaman might be pointing to another way of addressing your challenge that might prove especially helpful.
When I first read your post, my initial thought was : The Knights of Columbus.
It might seem counter-intuitive - their call is not to marriage counseling- but it is a Catholic mens group that strives to live lives of faith and to put their faith into action. I wonder if associating with such men and focusing upon supporting the faith might not have some benefits for you in the way you think about and participate in other relationships.
May God bless you and your wife and family. Amen.
 
jeannetherese said:
I wonder if Endaman might be pointing to another way of addressing your challenge that might prove especially helpful.
When I first read your post, my initial thought was : The Knights of Columbus.
It might seem counter-intuitive - their call is not to marriage counseling- but it is a Catholic mens group that strives to live lives of faith and to put their faith into action. I wonder if associating with such men and focusing upon supporting the faith might not have some benefits for you in the way you think about and participate in other relationships.
May God bless you and your wife and family. Amen.
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I was thinking the same thing. In fact, just a few weeks ago, the local chapter of the KoC was advertising in the Sunday bulletin for more members. So I went to a meeting and joined.

I also am teaching 8th grade catechism and really enjoying it, as is about half my class. 😛

My situation which I have discussed previously on CAF is that my wife and I had a falling out 13 years ago. We still live in the same house, but there is no communication or outward affection. She decided to “replace” me with work, new friends, her family, etc. All we have in common, so to speak, is our children.

Unlike the original poster, I have not given up hope of reconciliation because all things are possible with God.

I spend more time reading scripture and volunteering, and more time working. All of these are good things, but it’s not easy. Lots more temptation and therefore more time at confession.
 
empmax said:
I am an unhappily married Catholic man, completely faithful to the Church’s teaching. I am validly married, and am positive I’m not a case for annulment. There is no danger to myself, or reason to leave the marriage. I made a bad choice, not in terms of choosing my particular wife, but in choosing to marry, period. However, I made this choice and I plan on sticking by it, as I don’t take vows lightly. I know that so long as I’m married, I will be unhappy. The details surrounding this do not matter; it is what it is.

What I was wondering is if anyone knows of any sort of support available for men in my situation. I’m not looking for pity/sympathy, as the situation is of my own making. I’m also not interested in any liberal claptrap about divorce/annulment, as that is not an option. I just need practical advice as to how to deal with this, as I’m prepared to live with this burden for the rest of my life.
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Man… that was pretty depressing.

Makes me want to cut off my genitals and go live on a rock.
 
empmax said:
I am an unhappily married Catholic man, completely faithful to the Church’s teaching. I am validly married, and am positive I’m not a case for annulment. There is no danger to myself, or reason to leave the marriage. I made a bad choice, not in terms of choosing my particular wife, but in choosing to marry, period. However, I made this choice and I plan on sticking by it, as I don’t take vows lightly. I know that so long as I’m married, I will be unhappy. The details surrounding this do not matter; it is what it is.

What I was wondering is if anyone knows of any sort of support available for men in my situation. I’m not looking for pity/sympathy, as the situation is of my own making. I’m also not interested in any liberal claptrap about divorce/annulment, as that is not an option. I just need practical advice as to how to deal with this, as I’m prepared to live with this burden for the rest of my life.
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Why are you resigned to unhappiness? If you and your wife are both reasonable people, there is no reason you can’t live a pleasant life, even if you are no longer madly in love.

Why not work to improve your marriage? Find a good priest, and/or catholic marriage counselor who can help you.

God Bless
 
I suggest ,from my own experience, giving God’s grace a chance to work in your marriage. You could try a 30 Days prayer to St. Joseph, easily found online, and ask God to put love in your heart for your spouse. Do not underestimate God’s ability to work in your marriage. Love is a decision. Even if it feels like something you do not want to do, please try. It can be a miracle. The feelings you have today may not last as long as you think. Also, you can read about the vocation of marriage. You must ask God for the grace to succeed in marriage and rely on him to give you the ability that you do not have on your own. May God bless you. I truly hope this is a tempory condition for you that you will find becomes a blessing.
 
I have been through some tough times in my own marriage. I don’t have any advice to give, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.
 
I understand your feelings … I’m in the same situation myself… My husband doesnot love me any more and made my life miserable … I’m very unhappy and felt trap for many reasons… Specially the vows that I promise God the day of my marriage- I feel I can not allow myself to fail … I tried everithing but nothing seems to work - I will do like they said the devotion to St Joseph for 30 days - God bless you and keep u stronger…
 
I disagree with the entire notion of this thread.
As Catholics, we simply don’t live in a state of “permanence”. Things can, and usually DO, CHANGE.

So my advice is… change your mindset.
Pray for HOPE that things will improve.
Pray for FAITH that the Holy Spirit can bring GOOD through your situation.
Pray for LOVE for your wife, despite your struggles, that will endure through the years.

Assuming things will not change is akin to not believing that it’s possible. If you had faith the size of a mustard seed you could move the mountains into the sea. Faith isn’t easy to come by sometimes… pray for your faith to be increased.

Nothing in this world is permanent.
 
I give the OP a lot of credit for asking for help in a difficult marriage. Many men are too proud to ask for help. And I think a men’s support group for marriage is a great idea.

The only place that I have found a men’s support group is in a 12 step program. Nowhere in the Catholic church have I found a men’s group that is as open and honest. I think the lack of such support is a weakness of our Church.
 
I’m part of a men’s scripture group at one of the church’s in my area, though it is not my parish. The group is very small as well. So I agree in part with what you’re saying Groo.

There is the Knights of Columbus, but honestly I don’t want to be part of a big, formal group and have responsibilities and what not. I am highly cognizant of what they do as a fraternal service organization and I think they are a fine group. I just have little desire to be part of a formal organization like that with color guards and banquets and all that jazz. It’s just not my cup of tea.

I prefer informal groups with formal meeting times. Just a time when guys from the parish or community can hang out and talk about their lives with one another. The scripture group I’m in is great for that. We go through the readings for Sunday and then reflect on the message and how we can live it out through our daily lives. It’s fantastic, but too small.

I’d fire my own group up at my own parish, but the one I go to for this men’s group is small as it is. I’d imagine I’d find it even harder at my own parish. Best to stick with leading the confirmation classes for now.
 
Groo said:
I give the OP a lot of credit for asking for help in a difficult marriage. Many men are too proud to ask for help. And I think a men’s support group for marriage is a great idea.

The only place that I have found a men’s support group is in a 12 step program. Nowhere in the Catholic church have I found a men’s group that is as open and honest. I think the lack of such support is a weakness of our Church.
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Depends on the parish, really… there are certainly Men’s Prayer Groups available at many parishes!
I agree, for men who would like a “support group” of sorts, it would be helpful to have something like this. Maybe this is God’s way of suggesting you (general “you” ;)) should offer to lead such a group at your own parish! All it takes is a volunteer and some motivation. 👍

I don’t think it’s fair to say that “nowhere in the Catholic Church have I found something like this”… Remember - **WE **are “The Catholic Church”… sometimes it requires US to stand up and make something like this happen at our own parishes.
 
I like that - informal groups with formal meeting times.

The Protestant churches I have seen have Bible study groups every Sunday morning along with the Sunday service. These groups were grouped by age, gender, marital status… Although the study was always about the Bible, the meeting opportunities provided members an opportunity to bond with others at the same stage in life.

Our church had a series of seminars on help for people who are hurting. The presenter asked people who they went to for help when life got tough. The frequent answer was ‘God’; well, who else? No one really had any answers.

I think about what my grandmother told me about her neighborhood when she was raising kids. Neighbors talked to each other and helped each other all the time. Now she lives with. family and the neighborhood is a ghost town during the day (everyone works).

It just seems to me that people today don’t have the natural support networks that were available 50 years ago. Now we have facebook and social networking as a means of connecting to others - just not the same to me.

I know I am rambling, but I think there is a tremendous need for support in the Catholic churches beyond what a few priests can provide. I’m also at a loss at what can be done.
 
I will second everything Em in FL said. With God all things are possible.
And I can’t help but worry about your wife. How is it fair to her to not continue to try to fix your marriage? If you are a fully practicing Catholic, then you know it is your duty to give yourself completely to your wife and become one with her. It doesn’t seem like you could possibly be doing that. As a Catholic, you have obligations as a husband. It’s not as if all you have to do is stay married as a technicality. I would definitely be in regular counsel with a Priest.
 
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