Supporting my spouse & making him feel appreciated

[wgrape]

Sorry this is a long vent and sort of a prayer/discussion to Mother Mary. I would love any guidance and/or prayers from others.

I know my situation is peanuts compared to all the other things out in the world and and truly blessed and grateful for what we have but I am human and I love my husband deeply and need to find a way to make this right for him.

Thanks.

Mother Mary, 
Please guide me.
I need your help and strength and intercession.

How can I display respect to my husband?
He feels as if I do not respect him.

I do and I don't and that's the tough truth.

I respect all he does and tries for us and the kids.
I respect he is able to stay home and give the kids what they need, something I cannot do.

I have a hard time respecting him when it comes to other things. I'm not sure if respect is the right word. I don't like the word respect but am using it as he has said to me that he feels I do not respect him.

I work full time.
He is able to stay home with the kids.
When I get home, I'm expected to cook dinner, tidy the house, keep up to date with school paperwork and announcements, clean the kitchen, pack lunches, do bedtime duties and sometimes, do laundry and review homework.
I also plan and coordinate activities, events, enrichment classes, birthdays, holiday to dos, schedule doctor appointments, take kids to their doctor appts and communicate with teachers and school staff etc...
I handle groceries as I cook all the meals.
In the morning, I wake the children up, I cook breakfast, do hair and get myself ready for school.

Everyday he says the same thing when I get home from work, "Sorry the house is a mess. Spending time with the kids is the priority." I never ask about the house. I never say anything that implies I'm upset about the house.

I made a chore list for the kids and I ask him to make sure that it's completed as best as possible. His answer is, "I'll try." It's never completed without me reviewing it every night as part of bedtime with my children.

Am I asking too much of him?
He doesn't take our son to museums or other excursions while our daughter is at school.

He's currently fixated on a toy he built and because of his lack of organization, he's had several setbacks which have led him to be frustrated and angry. Sometimes I feel as if he displaces this frustration out at me and the children.

Maybe he needs something outside of the house.

I thought the toy would help but instead I feel as if it's making things worse. 

Because he doesn't check everything he lost pieces and had to rebuild it. He was so fixated on it, that yesterday our son fell asleep on the floor waiting for him to take him to the bedroom for a nap.

He says I don't respect him.
He says that I don't appreciate how hard he tries.
Am I too hard on him?

I know I'm organized.
I know I plan.

He's not like that and that's probably why I fell in love with him anyway. We complement each other and steady ourselves.

It's really hard now though for me to take his feelings and find a way to make him feel better.

I told him that I'm sorry he feels this way and that I don't have an answer but I will think about what he said and try to not make him feel that way.
I didn't outright say that I wasn't being disrespectful to him because I may have been, intentional or unintentional.

He feels like I think I do everything and I don't realize everything he does.
He says I never give him a break and that I always ask him to watch at least one child while I do something.

Maybe that's true. I don't just take the kids and leave him alone all the time. I maybe do this twice a year. Maybe I should do it more often.

Honestly, I'm exhausted. When I take them even to the playground and come home in the evening, he's been alone yet he doesn't think to start dinner or have dinner ready. So I take them and come home and scramble for dinner and wonder, what has he been doing?

Maybe I'm so fixated on keeping the family machine running that I'm not allowing downtime and that's what he needs.

How can I remember that downtime is important and let him have it and not in the back of my head think, "Couldn't he have been considerate and think to have supper ready/dining room table set?"

I think my inability right now to find a way to show him I respect him more is because I don't think he's considerate of me and the family machine.

I can't ask him to do more. He's at his wits end. I can't expect him to multi-task. So I do what needs to be done for the family machine to continue to run as smooth as possible. 

I really need guidance. Please give me strength and help me find a way to show my husband more respect.

How do I stroke his ego even though I don't believe he's living up to his potential?

He thinks its because he's at home. I respect him more that he's at home than not. I just wish I didn't feel as if I need to continue to oil the cogs of the family machine and stroke his ego at the same time.

Mary please guide me and help me be a better wife to my husband.

 

[RoseMary131]

I invite you two to attend a Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend.

Pray about it. Trust all the details will work out to attend.

wwme.org/

 

[Xantippe]

Here are some thoughts:

1. Are you undercounting the traditional “guy stuff” that your husband is doing–lawn, lightbulb replacement, car maintenance, etc?
2. Bear in mind that while you are doing house stuff and the kids are awake, somebody is with the kids. Maybe one answer is for you guys to switch–you spend time with the kids while he makes dinner or does other home stuff?
3. Yes, he does need more scheduled time off.
4. Do some planning for the next day every night.
5. Is your husband taking the term “stay at home dad” too literally?
6. Depression is an occupational problem for SAHMs (and undoubtedly for SAHDs, too). If you google “depression SAHM”, you’ll see what I mean. I suspect that isolation and being home a lot contribute quite a bit–you’ll note that your husband 1) doesn’t have colleagues and 2) doesn’t do outings. That is bad. See #4.
7. Is your home set up so that the kids can play safely without needing constant supervision? We have a gated playroom with foam matting that works well for us.
8. Would your husband consider a nap?

I’m a SAHM (I have an 11-year-old, 8-year-old and 11-month-old), and I’ll give you a schedule so you can see what is realistic. (This is what I strive for, not necessarily what actually happens.)

I am the first adult up in the morning and I make sure the big kids make breakfast and lunches for themselves and get dressed and brush teeth and hair. My husband appears downstairs a few minutes before he and the big kids leave for school (I wish I had more help in the morning–one of the kids is not a morning person). I enjoy a quiet breakfast and some internet and maybe (if I’m feeling really overachieving), I move some laundry around. Pretty soon, there’s squeaking from upstairs. I change the baby and breastfeed her. Then I scoot her playpen into the bathroom and take a shower and do my morning prep stuff. Then we go downstairs and I load the baby into the stroller and pack for an outing (water for me, sippy for baby, bagel for me and the baby to split) and then we take our morning walk to Starbucks. (Alternately, I’ll meet friends for a walk, host a playdate, go to the children’s museum with a friend, go to the zoo with a friend, etc.) This needs to be done quickly to prevent the baby falling asleep in the stroller and wrecking the timing of her afternoon nap. We get home, I give her some fruit and Cheerios to eat, she plays in her gated playroom (that’s what we’re doing right now) and then when it’s time for her nap (12ish), I’ll take her upstairs and breastfeed her. She conks out and I set an alarm and do my best to fall asleep, too. (If I can’t get myself to sleep, that’s a good time to return emails, do phone calls, and other similar finicky stuff that is a pain to do with the baby.) Around 2:30, the baby is up again. I give her a short breastfeeding and then we leave to pick up the big kids from school. At home, the big kids need to eat some sort of snack and the baby should have a little fruit. The big kids get a 5 minute break and then they need to unpack backpacks and start homework. If they finish quickly, I will ask them to hang up or put away 20 items of clothing (the laundry baskets are always overflowing) and I may ask them to tidy up their rooms. Around this time, my husband arrives home from work and we walk to the college cafeteria for dinner. The big kids serve themselves (although we parents insist on fruit and veggie before dessert). I serve the baby (she generally has grilled cheese or pizza). After we get home, I should hand the baby to my husband, work on laundry, maybe do a little email, and supervise whatever homework remains. Around this time, it’s about time for the big kids’ bedtime snack. They serve themselves (hopefully under supervision). After that, they need to set out school uniforms and tidy their rooms. Several times a week, our oldest needs to take a bath (her younger brother gets by nicely with a weekly bath). They put on pajamas, floss, brush and pray and (ideally) remove dirty laundry from their rooms. At some point, I reclaim the baby from my husband and give her her last breastfeeding of the day. She falls asleep and I put her down for the night. My husband, meanwhile, has been enjoying some educational TV (Star Trek or How It’s Made) with the kids. Each of the big kids is put to bed (sometimes by me, sometimes by my husband, often (in the case of our hyper-responsible 8-year-old) by himself). By the time the 11-year-old goes to bed (nearly 10), I am feeling pretty tired, so the only thing I do generally after that is to make a simple plan for the next day, move some laundry, have some ice cream with my husband on the sofa, and watch a little silly TV.

You will notice that I do not normally cook dinner, I don’t normally do dishes, I don’t do household maintenance and I don’t do heavy routine cleaning. We normally eat dinner at the college cafeteria and we have cleaners twice a month. Some people would say that that makes me kind of spoiled, but you’ll notice that it is still a very long day.

 

[moon1234]

Was your working situation always this way? Has he always been a stay at home dad and been happy with that?

It can be very crushing to a male ego to be seen or felt as dependent on his wife for income. I know there have been times when I have been out of a job and had to rely in my wife for income. It was VERY disturbing for me. This was before we had kids though. I felt like I was not supporting my family as a proper man should.

Like it or not, many of his male counterparts will not appreciate him as a “stay at home dad”. I am not saying it is correct or proper, but men compare themselves to each other and to how successful they are. It is not the norm, at least psychologically, for a male to see another male who does not earn income for his family as successful. Many will see him as whipped with under the breath re-marks of “I guess we know who wears the pants in that family.” Maybe he is feeling this type of pressure and does not want to relate it to you.

The feeling of disrespect is most likely coming from a combination of him not having a job, not enough time to do guy things and a lack of appreciation for what he does do. You may not SAY anything to disrespect him, but sometimes actions or lack of action is also a form of disrespect. Is he included in all of your decisions about scheduling for the day, about finances, etc? If you are just taking care of everything and not letting him help plan the day, then he is going to feel like you don’t need him for anything so why do anything?

Men like outward, physical displays of your pleasure or displeasure. If you are happy with him then say something. Give him a hug, tell him you are happy to see him, take him to bed, etc. If you are not happy with him, TELL him and be specific about what bothered you and what you want him to do to correct it. If you expected him to make dinner, then why not ask him to have dinner ready when you get back at 6pm or whenever. Men are not mind readers and unless you ASK for him to do something, do not be surprised if it is not done. If you get upset about that then he may think that is being disrespectful.

My wife is a SAHM and she also works on our vegetable farm. We both talk about our day and I almost never get upset when the house is a mess, supper is not done, etc. If I am hungry I don’t ask WHEN something will be done I ask if she feels up to making something. Sometimes she says she is too tired and get it myself, which I do, other times she makes me something. This goes both ways. She will ask me to do some laundry for the kids if she is too tired, etc. I will respond the same way.

The key is that you should not assume he should do something, no should you assign him tasks. You are not his mother, you are his wife. You should be working with him and he should agree to what has been decided. If he does not agree then don’t be surprised if what you assumed should be done will get done.

Sorry for being rude, but I really hate it when women assume you should do something that they never told you is expected of you and to which you never agreed. Communicate clearly to each other. You are both equals in the house, but you both have unique talents and nothing should be assumed of the other if it is not clearly communicated.

One final thought would be does he want to be a stay at home dad and is he happy doing that?