Suppose a confirmation sponsor is living in sin

[whatevergirl]

Just a quick question about confirmation, and sponsors.

My sister has been going to church regularly–etc, but she divorced a few years ago, and has no intentions of even examining the annulment process. She has been dating men since her divorce–she is now in a semi serious relationship. I don’t believe she is sleeping with the man, but I don’t ask/don’t know.

My question is, my daughter will be making confirmation in two years–is my sister an acceptable candidate to being her sponsor? Again, I don’t know if my sister has gone/goes to confession, if she is sleeping with this man, but I know she had a serious live in type relationship with a guy last year–and she has not had an annulment. Let’s presume that she is ‘living in mortal sin,’ which she might be, considering she is not ‘free to date,’ since she has not had her marriage annuled–would it be wrong of me to select her as my dd’s sponsor? I am torn, because I love my sister–she is very good to my kids–but, don’t know if we are supposed to select sponsors who we KNOW FOR SURE, are in a state of grave sin? (and not changing their lifestyle)

 

[1ke]

I think you should cross the bridge in two years. A lot could happen in two years-- she could have seen the error of her ways or she might have done something like remarry outside the church by then.

At the time you select a sponsor (well and when they actually stand up at Confirmation too), they need to meet canon law qualifications-- which means they need to be in good standing with the Church. The fact that you have doubts is to me a sign you should start looking elsewhere. Remember, this person is supposed to be a role model for the child-- and it doesn’t sound like I’d want my teen daughter emulating her behaviors.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, 1ke–I agree, as always, your advice is very sound. A lot could happen–hopefully, for the positive. I hope the best for my sister, but don’t think she’ll go through the annulment process–and frankly, I don’t believe the guy she is currently dating (who is Catholic) went through one, either from his first marriage.

Ah, the tangled webs we weave. I agree that as much as a I love my sister–I am thinking that the person who should sponsor my dd is someone who is in good standing within the Church. (really who has no mortal sin on his/her soul)

Thanks for the advice.

 

[kage_ar]

Before time to pick a sponsor, have a talk with your DD. Let her know that choosing one’s Confirmation sponsor is NOT about who you love the most nor is it a popularity contest. She, with the guidance of her parents, should choose a Catholic who she wants to be her role model. Ask your daughter, if something happened and you could not talk to me or dad, who would you go to? Who do you know would give you the RIGHT advice, who is the kind of Catholic you want to be?

While it is great if the Baptismal godparent is also chosen for Confirmation, it does not have to be the same person.

 

[whatevergirl]

Before time to pick a sponsor, have a talk with your DD. Let her know that choosing one’s Confirmation sponsor is NOT about who you love the most nor is it a popularity contest. She, with the guidance of her parents, should choose a Catholic who she wants to be her role model. Ask your daughter, if something happened and you could not talk to me or dad, who would you go to? Who do you know would give you the RIGHT advice, who is the kind of Catholic you want to be?

While it is great if the Baptismal godparent is also chosen for Confirmation, it does not have to be the same person.

I agree. The sad news of this is, that I’m realizing that we have a very small circle of Catholic friends and family members. Very. My husband is one of nine kids, all went to Catholic school, raised in a devout Catholic home–and only 2 practice–my husband being one of those two. One of my sister in laws, who lives only about an hour from us here in Florida, is very devout, and she would be a very good choice. The difficulty will be, when this day comes, my sister sitting out ‘with the general audience,’ and my SIL being the chosen sponsor. Well, I suppose if my sister rants about it…I don’t know that she would…I would simply tell her–if you are not following the RCC’s teachings on things, you really can’t be a sponsor. She knows about annulments, she knows about confession–the choice is hers when we get right down to it, to walk with the RCC in full agreement, or not.

 

[kage_ar]

Is your daughter very close to your SIL? Your daughter might also might think of people in the Parish, is there a CCD teacher or Youth leader with whom she is close? Was there such a person in your former Parish?

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Just a quick question about confirmation, and sponsors.

My sister has been going to church regularly–etc, but she divorced a few years ago, and has no intentions of even examining the annulment process. She has been dating men since her divorce–she is now in a semi serious relationship. I don’t believe she is sleeping with the man, but I don’t ask/don’t know.

My question is, my daughter will be making confirmation in two years–is my sister an acceptable candidate to being her sponsor? Again, I don’t know if my sister has gone/goes to confession, if she is sleeping with this man, but I know she had a serious live in type relationship with a guy last year–and she has not had an annulment. Let’s presume that she is ‘living in mortal sin,’ which she might be, considering she is not ‘free to date,’ since she has not had her marriage annuled–would it be wrong of me to select her as my dd’s sponsor? I am torn, because I love my sister–she is very good to my kids–but, don’t know if we are supposed to select sponsors who we KNOW FOR SURE, are in a state of grave sin? (and not changing their lifestyle)

No one except God know the state of another soul. However there are certain external behaviors that we can judge. A divorced person who is dating and was living with someone who was not their spouse is NOT a goos choice for sponsor, and does not meet the qualifications.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

My question is, my daughter will be making confirmation in two years–is my sister an acceptable candidate to being her sponsor?

Four things come to mind.

First, you’re jumping the gun. Two years is a long way off.

Second is the issue of your daughter’s aunt being her sponsor. In my parish we discourage close relatives from being godparents or confirmation sponsors. (Not prohibit, but discourage.) Your sister is part of your daughter’s life and that won’t change. How about selecting another adult who can have a special relationship with her.

Third is the issue of what a sponsor is. She should be a role model of what it means to be a good Catholic. With all of your reservations, would you tell your daughter that she should try to emulate her aunt?

Fourth is whether you’re taking on a decision that’s not really yours to make. Shouldn’t your daughter have a say in who her sponsor is?

 

[whatevergirl]

Four things come to mind.

First, you’re jumping the gun. Two years is a long way off.

True

Second is the issue of your daughter’s aunt being her sponsor. In my parish we discourage close relatives from being godparents or confirmation sponsors. (Not prohibit, but discourage.) Your sister is part of your daughter’s life and that won’t change. How about selecting another adult who can have a special relationship with her.

I hadn’t thought of that–but my SIL comes to mind, who follows the Church’s teachings…

Third is the issue of what a sponsor is. She should be a role model of what it means to be a good Catholic. With all of your reservations, would you tell your daughter that she should try to emulate her aunt?

My sister is a great person, but my kids know ‘what happened’ after her divorce, as she came to stay with us sporadically last year–during one of her bf breakups…I don’t think my sister would be my dd’s first choice. I think I posted this, because I’m thinking out loud, what will happen when (not if) she doesn’t choose her…and my sister attends the confirmation–unless she does a 180 between now and 2 years from now, I suppose anything is possible. I guess also I do not want to appear judgemental, as it’s not my place–but I also need to discern what is best in this circumstance, as it relates to a sacrament–you know?

Fourth is whether you’re taking on a decision that’s not really yours to make. Shouldn’t your daughter have a say in who her sponsor is?

Yes–she will. Thank you for your replies–I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[quiet52]

from SuscipeMeDomine:

First, you’re jumping the gun. Two years is a long way off…

Two years is not a long way off. Many dioceses require Confirmation candidates to participate in a two-year preparation program. The sponsor doesn’t begin being a sponsor when the sacrament is celebrated. The sponsor is to help the candidate on her journey as she prepares. The Confirmation catechists should encourage the teens to consider who their sponsors are from the beginning.

…Fourth is whether you’re taking on a decision that’s not really yours to make. Shouldn’t your daughter have a say in who her sponsor is?

Parents can still play a role in helping their teens make these decisions.

 

[snhs]

Parents can still play a role in helping their teens make these decisions.

They can play a role, but ultimately it should be the child’s choice and they shouldn’t be asked to take into account the feelings of Aunts/Uncles if they are not asked to be the sponsor, they are only allowed one after all.

 

[whatevergirl]

They can play a role, but ultimately it should be the child’s choice and they shouldn’t be asked to take into account the feelings of Aunts/Uncles if they are not asked to be the sponsor, they are only allowed one after all.

That is true, however, my dd doesn’t know the devoutness of her aunts/uncles, to be honest. Only I or my husband would know those things. It’s seldom that one can know the sins of others, but my sister has kept me up to speed with her love life over the years, and unfortunately, she is not living out her faith. We’re not talking minor things, but things that I think would place her into more of a lapsed Catholic mode, not a full blown practicing one. That being said–we’re all sinners…but when one chooses a sponsor it should be someone who upholds the faith–otherwise, what’s the point of selecting a Catholic sponsor? But, your point is well taken…I just thought I’d add that, because my dd doesn’t know how well or not people in the family practice their faith–with the exception of a few sister in laws, and the one I have mentioned here – who we have attended church with, who practice the faith, etc…

That’s the thing–just because my dd might like one aunt over another, she needs to be prudent in choosing someone who will HELP HER in her Catholic faith walk. Just my opinion.

 

[Phemie]

That is true, however, my dd doesn’t know the devoutness of her aunts/uncles, to be honest. Only I or my husband would know those things. It’s seldom that one can know the sins of others, but my sister has kept me up to speed with her love life over the years, and unfortunately, she is not living out her faith. We’re not talking minor things, but things that I think would place her into more of a lapsed Catholic mode, not a full blown practicing one. That being said–we’re all sinners…but when one chooses a sponsor it should be someone who upholds the faith–otherwise, what’s the point of selecting a Catholic sponsor? But, your point is well taken…I just thought I’d add that, because my dd doesn’t know how well or not people in the family practice their faith–with the exception of a few sister in laws, and the one I have mentioned here – who we have attended church with, who practice the faith, etc…

That’s the thing–just because my dd might like one aunt over another, she needs to be prudent in choosing someone who will HELP HER in her Catholic faith walk. Just my opinion.

When it came to our children’s confirmations we went with

1. my goddaughter for DD,
2. one of the teachers he saw regularly in school & in church for DS1, and
3. the parish religious ed coordinator, who is a family friend, for DS2.

We moved a year after DD & DS1 were confirmed so now only #3 is regularly in our life, and by extension in DS2’s life, although DS2 now lives 4000 miles away.