Surgery impact on child

[His_helpmeet]

I am having a 4 hour surgery (finally) next week and my husband is interested in coming to the surgery. But we have an 8 year old. I will be under general and will have bandages when I get out.

Is it appropriate for a child to wait in the OR and see me directly after?

I would say it depends on the maturity of your child. You can prepare him/her in advance. “Mommy is going to have an operation on x part of her body. The doctors will put Mommy into a special sleep so that it won’t hurt during the operation. When Mommy comes out of the room she will wake up and the doctors and nurses will take very good care of her. You can come and see Mommy after the operation if you’d like. Mommy will probably be very sleepy, and she will have some bandages, but there will be no big holes. She will probably have a mask on to help her breathe, and a plastic line in her hand to give her medicine. Mommy will be sleepy so she probably won’t say much, but you can talk to her and hold her hand.”

You might also look to see if you can find books on preparing a child for undergoing surgery. Obviously, you’ll have to adapt them because it will be you going for surgery, but these types of books and resources can help your child understand what surgery is all about, what the doctors and nurses do, and that you’ll be okay afterwards.

(It’s very important to explain that anesthesia is a “special sleep” if you’ve ever had to put a pet down and explained it as “we had to put Fido to sleep”. Otherwise, your child might think you’re not going to wake up again because Fido didn’t.)

 

[PaulGH]

I am having a 4 hour surgery (finally) next week and my husband is interested in coming to the surgery. But we have an 8 year old. I will be under general and will have bandages when I get out.

Is it appropriate for a child to wait in the OR and see me directly after?

A typical eight-year-old child is going to get bored and restless during a four-hour surgery. And he or she might be upset seeing you groggy and not feeling well immediately after surgery. I think it would be much better to find a friend or relative to watch your eight-year-old (not at the hospital) during the surgery.

 

[Luvz2travel]

It depends on the child really. I remember when I was I kid my mom went through some stuff. I was about your sons age. In my moms case it was all a little confusing and no one really told me what was going on. I guess they felt it was too much for kid that age. In reality I just wanted to know mom would be ok. I’d sit your son down and let him who that mom is going to have some surgery and might look a bit bad afterwards but will be ok. See if he want so sit with dad and wait for you or maybe stay at a friends house. I kind of suspect he’ll want to be there for mom even if it scares him a bit.

 

[mega1]

Well, I am through surgery. It was 3 hours away. I drove myself the day before but he chose to come WITH our son. He was very frustrated with our son who wanted to go and do things that he did not want to do. The whole ordeal has been difficult on me because husband has seemed upset. He at one point said to me while I was trying to rest last night “I hope you realize the sacrifice I am making for you…”

We are now headed back. I’m driving my own car and I’m exhausted and In a lot of discomfort. But I can not wait to get back home. I’m following him and our son. This experience has been truly difficult. And the surgery only adds to the patience level I have had to withstand.

Thank you for the prayers. They are needed.

 

[Cat]

Well, I am through surgery. It was 3 hours away. I drove myself the day before but he chose to come WITH our son. He was very frustrated with our son who wanted to go and do things that he did not want to do. The whole ordeal has been difficult on me because husband has seemed upset. He at one point said to me while I was trying to rest last night “I hope you realize the sacrifice I am making for you…”

We are now headed back. I’m driving my own car and I’m exhausted and In a lot of discomfort. But I can not wait to get back home. I’m following him and our son. This experience has been truly difficult. And the surgery only adds to the patience level I have had to withstand.

Thank you for the prayers. They are needed.

Some people don’t do well around hospitals, sickness, or disability. They feel so uncomfortable that they put on a gruff, unfeeling front and seem to blame the sick person. It’s just the way they are.

I know this sounds incredibly hard, but try to have patience with him.

I’m surprised they let you drive within 3 days after a surgery.

 

[mega1]

They didn’t want me to drive but I had no choice. I had to drive myself there and then I learns my son and husband were coming after all…

Then I felt bad about spending money on hotel so I didn’t tell the doctor , but chose to drive home behind them. It was a rough trip but I made it home.

It’s really shocking to hear my husband complain about how tired and frustrated HE is… I’m thinking boy… I have it 10 times worse. But I didn’t say anything.

He’s mentioned a few times now how I need to realize he has sacrificed for me. Even though I have said thank you…

 

[maryjk]

They didn’t want me to drive but I had no choice. I had to drive myself there and then I learns my son and husband were coming after all…

Then I felt bad about spending money on hotel so I didn’t tell the doctor , but chose to drive home behind them. It was a rough trip but I made it home.

**It’s really shocking to hear my husband complain about how tired and frustrated HE is… I’m thinking boy… I have it 10 times worse. But I didn’t say anything. **

He’s mentioned a few times now how I need to realize he has sacrificed for me. Even though I have said thank you…

It is so sad that this shocks you. Really, it is.

I would bet that very few of us here are surprised.

 

[mega1]

No I suppose I shouldn’t say that I’m shocked. I guess I just thought at this point, these things would at least be kept to himself. You know?

 

[NFPWife]

Like Maryjk said, none of this should shock and surprise you. A real man, who loves you the way Christ loved the church and can put your needs ahead of his, would NEVER go along with you driving home that close to surgery. Even if you ended up with two cars there, he’d figure something out. He’d encourage you to spend the money on the hotel and get some rest. (Didn’t he want to spend money on a resort for a weekend getaway? Within the past three months??)

Tell me how this nonsense is better than being alone? He made your life HARDER and then wanted you to throw him a parade to recognize his “sacrifice.” He’s so ridiculously confused about what a sacrifice is. Why do I think that, in addition to driving yourself home, you spent time and emotional energy trying to placate him and your son? Time you should have been recuperating. Honestly, it would have been better if they’d stayed home and you stayed in a hotel for two days- rested, ordered food in, watched mindless TV, read, etc. etc. The emotional and physical rest would have been worth 10 times what it cost you.

I hope you’re right back to therapy after this surgery. You need someone to continue to reality test with you. He’s attempting to create an alternate reality. You must feel like you’re going crazy.

 

[mega1]

I recognize this morning that I really should not have driven yesterday. God was with me. Yes I followed behind him, but I was so tired and out of it…
I should have stayed put for another night.

I do believe (as I told him before) that it would have been best that our son stay home … As I knew a 3.5 hour car drive (one way) and being trapped part of the day in the hotel was going to be difficult for an 8 year old. He obviously proved my theory true.

I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was “I hope you understand the sacrifice I’m making for you…”

Yes I will keep up with therapy once I’m healed.

 

[CountryMom27]

I’m glad everything went well for you – I’m having surgery this month and will be leaving my 8 & 10 year old at camp and then a friend’s house. I know I will not be up for anything other than getting home and back to bed when I’m done

 

[mega1]

Prayers for you! I know it is NOT easy.

Wishing you the best in your recovery!

The kicker to my story is I got a call today from the doctor that my check bounced to them. My husband said he transferred the money but I guess it wasn’t in time!

Lucky lucky me…

I am really FINALLY angry and ready to leave…

 

[NFPWife]

Prayers for you! I know it is NOT easy.

Wishing you the best in your recovery!

The kicker to my story is I got a call today from the doctor that my check bounced to them. My husband said he transferred the money but I guess it wasn’t in time!

Lucky lucky me…

I am really FINALLY angry and ready to leave…

I’m sorry that happened. How embarrassing.

This is just one more symptom/ example of the larger problem, but your husband having you drive behind him is ridiculous. Setting aside the fact that you shouldn’t have been driving, he should really have been behind you. It’s easier to make sure you’re okay from a position behind you.

I hope you’re consulting with proper counsel as you move forward. Don’t let your anger lead you to hasty decisions.

 

[mega1]

Here’s a question that I keep wondering about. I complain. I act like a victim here and I think boy, I need to get out if dodge. Like today, I discovered that he didn’t EVER transfer the money for my surgery and is why the check bounced. He said it was a miscommunication because he thought I had it covered. Even though I faxed his paperwork for him and did all the necessary steps and HE called them and told them to hold off (since he says that he thought I had it covered on my own. How? Not sure. But he had that belief). He had to call his parents and borrow money to cover the amount that we owed.

Anyway I got frustrated. Scared. I was shaking because the Dr office was not happy with me and It isn’t the way to build trust.

My fear is WHY don’t I WANT to divorce. I should have this compulsion to leave ASAP, right? Yes I’m moving forward. But is it normal for someone to go through with this and not actually WANT to do it? It feels like an out of body experience. I guess it’s all aboutybperspechibe and attitude.

 

[NFPWife]

… But he had that belief…

That wasn’t his belief - that was his LIE. The thread he read on here, wasn’t that one where you were frustrated that the money wasn’t transferred? Didn’t you have to cancel the surgery once because the money wasn’t transferred? Wasn’t his solution to have his parents cover you all financially? He just made all of that happen. He has a pattern of not financially participating and protecting his money/ credit/ finances. Then he presents some crazy, alternate, twisted perspective and gas lights you. That’s why you need to be in therapy, you have to have someone who can track the details and present them back to you - rationally. You need somewhere you can think. Again - rationally.

You’ll have to sort out why you’re reluctant. My theory is that he twists things around so much that it’s hard to know which end is up. He has you apologizing when he’s in the wrong. The unknown is always scary, you’ll have to get to the place where the misery and the utter madness of this is worse than the unknown.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Here’s a question that I keep wondering about. I complain. I act like a victim here and I think boy, I need to get out if dodge. Like today, I discovered that he didn’t EVER transfer the money for my surgery and is why the check bounced. He said it was a miscommunication because he thought I had it covered. Even though I faxed his paperwork for him and did all the necessary steps and HE called them and told them to hold off (since he says that he thought I had it covered on my own. How? Not sure. But he had that belief). He had to call his parents and borrow money to cover the amount that we owed.

Anyway I got frustrated. Scared. I was shaking because the Dr office was not happy with me and It isn’t the way to build trust.

My fear is WHY don’t I WANT to divorce. I should have this compulsion to leave ASAP, right? Yes I’m moving forward. But is it normal for someone to go through with this and not actually WANT to do it? It feels like an out of body experience. I guess it’s all aboutybperspechibe and attitude.

Keep telling yourself that you deserve better. You are a person worthy of respect, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[mega1]

Yes this is all true. I did have to cancel because he didn’t do it initilly. Then, he found this forum. But got so ticked off about it, he said he would not read it it participate in it. I tried to bring him into it and allow him to say whatever he wanted. Instead he chose not to do that.

I honestly don’t know what he was thinking regarding the “miscommunication”. I think it was 50 percent lazy and 50 percent denial. But I made him go through with it today to make sure we could get payment back to his parents.

I agree with you NFPWife. I do need more therapy. I just don’t know WHY I don’t want rid of these problems. I have obviously gotten better. But I haven’t had that “get the heck out of here” feeling/moment.

Although I’m sure most here would have had that long ago.

That wasn’t his belief - that was his LIE. The thread he read on here, wasn’t that one where you were frustrated that the money wasn’t transferred? Didn’t you have to cancel the surgery once because the money wasn’t transferred? Wasn’t his solution to have his parents cover you all financially? He just made all of that happen. He has a pattern of not financially participating and protecting his money/ credit/ finances. Then he presents some crazy, alternate, twisted perspective and gas lights you. That’s why you need to be in therapy, you have to have someone who can track the details and present them back to you - rationally. You need somewhere you can think. Again - rationally.

You’ll have to sort out why you’re reluctant. My theory is that he twists things around so much that it’s hard to know which end is up. He has you apologizing when he’s in the wrong. The unknown is always scary, you’ll have to get to the place where the misery and the utter madness of this is worse than the unknown.

 

[maryjk]

My fear is WHY don’t I WANT to divorce. I should have this compulsion to leave ASAP, right? Yes I’m moving forward. But is it normal for someone to go through with this and not actually WANT to do it? It feels like an out of body experience. I guess it’s all aboutybperspechibe and attitude.

I don’t know if it is the same reason as my sister, but the situation is very similar.

My sister thrives on it. In fact, if I call her, she will talk and talk about a situation that is already past. She has already moved on, but she still focuses on it.

In fact, if there isn’t drama in her life, sometimes she manufactures it.

 

[mega1]

My mother and sister were that way. In fact my husband is that way. But I am not … Most people don’t have any idea what’s going on in my drama world. I’m ashamed of it mostly.

But I also think through therapy…, I’m learning that I have such a low sense of self esteem. I keep thinking this is all I deserve and grass is not greener. So… I’m trying to push myself past that and just get on the other side of it.

 

[Cat]

Prayers for you! I know it is NOT easy.

Wishing you the best in your recovery!

The kicker to my story is I got a call today from the doctor that my check bounced to them. My husband said he transferred the money but I guess it wasn’t in time!

Lucky lucky me…

I am really FINALLY angry and ready to leave…

What did you say when the doctor or nurse asked you if you are in a relationship in which you feel unsafe? (A doctor’s office is required to ask all their patients this question).

If you answered this question honestly, describing the way your husband acts, then I am surprised that the doctor’s office called you about a bounced check. I would think they would have more compassion, and would be helping you to find a counselor and get out of the relationship.

Also, I am surprised that the doctor’s office was on top of the billing for your surgery so quickly; it usually takes weeks for these bills to be processed.