Surgery impact on child

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No they never asked me that question ., only if I thought I was pregnant. But they never asked. And yes the dr office called me on a SUNDAY and said they were working on billing. They demanded a credit card etc. Fortunately I was able to get it worked out by Monday afternoon. Thanks to his parents.

I have my follow up tomorrow and husband has offered to make the drive again. I said no thanks. If I could go it alone before. I can def do it alone now that I’m healed.

But do I feel I’m in a safe relationship? He hasn’t hit me or hurt me or my son physically.
 
mega1 said:
My fear is WHY don’t I WANT to divorce. I should have this compulsion to leave ASAP, right? Yes I’m moving forward. But is it normal for someone to go through with this and not actually WANT to do it? It feels like an out of body experience. I guess it’s all aboutybperspechibe and attitude.
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Because even though it’s a horrible situation, it’s still comfortable and familiar, in its own weird way. You’ve developed your coping strategies, even if they aren’t healthy. You know this dance. Making a change requires adjustment, which is hard - especially when you’ve been led to believe the consequences will be worse than they are likely to (either by the person trying to manipulate you or by your own imagination, or both, or other influences.)

I’ve been following your threads a long time and am praying for you.
 
mega1 said:
But do I feel I’m in a safe relationship? He hasn’t hit me or hurt me or my son physically.
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Physically. The emotional and psychological damage he’s dealing out is horrendous.
 
mega1 said:
Here’s a question that I keep wondering about. I complain. I act like a victim here and I think boy, I need to get out if dodge. Like today, I discovered that he didn’t EVER transfer the money for my surgery and is why the check bounced. He said it was a miscommunication because he thought I had it covered. Even though I faxed his paperwork for him and did all the necessary steps and HE called them and told them to hold off (since he says that he thought I had it covered on my own. How? Not sure. But he had that belief). He had to call his parents and borrow money to cover the amount that we owed.

Anyway I got frustrated. Scared. I was shaking because the Dr office was not happy with me and It isn’t the way to build trust.

My fear is WHY don’t I WANT to divorce. I should have this compulsion to leave ASAP, right? Yes I’m moving forward. But is it normal for someone to go through with this and not actually WANT to do it? It feels like an out of body experience. I guess it’s all aboutybperspechibe and attitude.
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Mega1,

I feel for you. Abused people often love their abuser and can never leave or think they have no choice that no one else will love them or that they are so brainwashed to believe they can’t make it on their own that they honestly believe they can’t survive without the abuser. It’s all very common ask you therapist if you don’t believe me. Sometimes it just takes something terrible to happen before you can build up enough courage/anger/fustration or motivation to leave a bad situation. I think you husband just enjoys being in control and the power he feels he gets by playing with your emotions. I note from your posts everytime you make him do something he messes up then blames you for it. Only you can help yourself. The fact that he made you drive at all after surgury seems rather heartless to me and then to say what he a sacrifice he making in the process is crass at best. I’d have kick his backside to curb and thrown out his stuff a long time ago. Prayers for a full an speedy recovery. 🤷
 
You know, I’ve been praying to God as of late to give me a sign. To help me see and feel the need to make a move.

And I decided this morning that I’m going to trust in the words/people here and my therapist. I have come to a religious forum so people react from a morale place and there are SO many wonderful people here who have given me terrific advice and perspective. I need to listen and trust blindly. It’s scary. But it is what I need to do. Maybe this is God talking to me? You all obviously have good intentions and recognize good vs bad behavior.

I’m praying for guidance and strength. Thanks so much to all of you…
 
mega1 said:
You know, I’ve been praying to God as of late to give me a sign. To help me see and feel the need to make a move.

And I decided this morning that I’m going to trust in the words/people here and my therapist. I have come to a religious forum so people react from a morale place and there are SO many wonderful people here who have given me terrific advice and perspective. I need to listen and trust blindly. It’s scary. But it is what I need to do. Maybe this is God talking to me? You all obviously have good intentions and recognize good vs bad behavior.

I’m praying for guidance and strength. Thanks so much to all of you…
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Do you have a safe place to go? What are your plans?

I know that there are women’s agencies which can help you to get established, find a safe place for you and children to stay, help you to apply for any financial aid that you are eligible for, help you to find counseling, etc.

Ask your priest, and do it tomorrow morning. If he doesn’t know, then call your diocese and ask. Then call the agency that they recommend and do what they tell you to do.

If you just “leave” your husband without any plans or resources, you will be just like the little kids that “run away from home” with their cute little suitcase. They walk around the block, and then get scared and walk home again. You don’t want to be like that. You need to have the support of those who are stronger than you are, and you need to seek out all the help you can get. This is a huge change of your life. As many others have said on this thread and others, leaving an abusive situation is extremely difficult. So get help so that you’re not that little kid walking around the block and straight back “home” again.
 
For those of you (thanks Kat) who have kindly followed my threads… Do you believe my situation sounds abusive to the point of finding a women’s shelter?

Obviously my reality is quite skewed. I will also be askingy therapist this sand question when I see her Thursday. I just would love your honest insight. I’m trusting that God has put me in this forum and hearing these words for a reason. I need to be open to it…
 
That’s a good question and I think you have to predict how your husband will react to accurately answer that question. Given the current level of behavior combined with your resources, you could navigate a separation with the counsel of your therapist and lawyer.

If you think your husband would escalate and become violent (take his previous behavior into account) then you might need to consider a shelter.

Either way, you’re going to have to reduce your lifestyle. Decimate might be a more accurate word. BUT, it will be an honest life. Not a sleek veneer. I have to ask, don’t feel compelled to answer if you’d rather not, how much of your not leaving is impression management? Not wanting to cut the lifestyle, not wanting others to see you cut the lifestyle, wanting your son to have the big house, pool, etc.??
 
Yes. I think that’s a very fair question. And to answer it honestly I think it is probably 90 percent of it. Not because of MY lifestyle. I don’t even have very nice things. Heck I don’t even have a wedding ring. When it was stolen my husband used the insurance check to pay for things in his business.

But we do have this big lease and my husband (and I have agreed) don’t want to uproot our son yet again. So I will still continue to pay this lease for another year ( so I don’t get sued or lose the 6k down payment). We will just have to get a small apartment to separate. money problems have had a huge impact and made me feel trapped.

No I never have parties or friends over. This is truly just about stability for our son.
 
I think, with the assistance of your therapist, you need to work out the true costs of staying and the true costs of leaving. I’d assign a weighted value to everything and then start working out a plan.

The problem, as I see it, is that you’re in a pattern where your husband does something egregious, you decide you’re leaving, then he convinces you that it was either a. your fault or b. a big misunderstanding (it’s never c. his fault, of course.) He then stays under the radar just enough for you to cool off and back off leaving because, at that point, the “costs” of leaving (son having to move, breaking the lease, etc. etc.) are the only thing on your mind and seem too high. You’re stuck in a place where you’re contemplating change and then talking yourself into the status quo.

The incidents are going to become more frequent and more egregious because each time he pulls something and gets away with it, he’s more emboldened.
 
mega1 said:
For those of you (thanks Kat) who have kindly followed my threads… Do you believe my situation sounds abusive to the point of finding a women’s shelter?

Obviously my reality is quite skewed. I will also be askingy therapist this sand question when I see her Thursday. I just would love your honest insight. I’m trusting that God has put me in this forum and hearing these words for a reason. I need to be open to it…
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See if Lydia’s house has a chapter in your area they work with abused women they would also be able to answer your question. If would kick the dude out of the house but if you feel you can’t but want to leave I would quitely transer the belongings you want to keep to storage somewhere then just leave and let him deal with the bills. See an attorney first though and have the money locked up so he can’t just arbitarily squander it.
 
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