Surrogate Motherhood: okay or no?

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seremina

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I have a Catholic friend that would like to know the answer to this question but she doesn’t have internet. So I’m asking for her. I did research in the CCC and here on Catholic Answers, but I’m having trouble seeing a clear answer because of the unique circumstances. I’ll try to explain.

“Alice” has a best friend she’s known since High School, a nice Catholic man named “Brian”. He’s gotten engaged and married to a lovely Catholic woman named “Carrie”. “Brian” and “Carrie” would love to have a child of their own and they cannot afford adoption nor medical procedures. So they asked “Alice” to be a Surrogate Mother so they may have their child. “Alice” thinks over the request for a long time. She decides, out of the kindness of her heart, that she would do it.

So “Brian” and “Alice” spent a night together in order to achieve the child. They are patiently waiting to see if a child resulted. If not, they will try again until success happens. All 3 of them are okay with this and see nothing wrong with it. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated…

“Alice” decided to see if the Catechism had anything to say about Surrogate Motherhood and if there were any Catholic guidelines for when the baby should be baptised, etc. She comes to me with a worry that her kind decision might be a mortal sin and she’s scared she might not be Catholic anymore because of it. She won’t change her mind about Surrogate Motherhood and will still do this kind favour for her friends.

So is this okay? It was done in a safe and life-giving manner, no drugs, no forbidden medical procedures, etc. What does it mean for her salvation? Are “Brian” and “Carrie” equally in the same kind of trouble? Or are we just worried too much and everything’s okay?

Thank you, and God bless.
 
Best advice, your friend should seek her confessor.

Your friends are engaging in adultery. This is forbidden by the sixth commandment.

Your friend can go here scborromeo.org/ccc.htm and type in the word Adultery and find all the relevant passages in the CCC, complete with Scriptue references, for example 2380:

**“2380 ***Adultery *refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations - even transient ones - they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire. The sixth commandment and the New Testament forbid adultery absolutely. The prophets denounce the gravity of adultery; they see it as an image of the sin of idolatry.”

Should your friend want to read about IVF (which is the “normal” way surrogate mothers are impregnated), she can read here:

vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19870222_respect-for-human-life_en.html
 
Also, when a child is baptized, the Priest must know that the child will be raised in the faith. Should a child result from this union, they would be advised to seek their Priest’s counsel.
 
definitely not o.k.–they committed adultery and are in mortal sin objectively speaking. They should go to confession as soon as possible. Is your friend willing to give up her Catholic faith because she doesn’t want to say no to her friends? This is very serious. There are many children who are available to adopt domestically in the United States and it doesn’t have to cost a ton of money. This couple is not trusting in God to give them children, but instead have chosen a sinful way to go about it–though it appears they may not have known it to be wrong. This will cause great damage to their marriage in the long run. Children are a gift from God and couples can pray that God blesses them with that gift, but no couple has the “right” to create children in any old way. I am sorry that your friends are struggling with this and will pray for the entire situation.
 
It didn’t occur to you friend that having sex with someone elses husband would not be ok with the church?:eek: At no point for any reason is ok to have sex with anyone else except your spouse -ever.

By the way no type of surrogate motherhood is ok with the church. The regular way one becomes a surrogate mom is through IVF which involves creating embryos in petri dishses which is also not ok.

If your friend becomes pregnant this child will be her child and the husband of her friend’s child. She would have to legally give up her parental rights and her friend would have to adopt her child. They better have money for lawyers.
 
Thank you for the responses. Very helpful. Let’s see if I got this all processed right.

Though “Alice” and “Brian” are doing this without medical procedures since “Carrie” is infertile and menopausal, this is adultery–though they don’t see it this way at all. Even “Carrie” is okay with this. The Church isn’t okay with this.

So if they confessed what they did, will everything be okay? Or will they have to stop because of confession? If they have to stop, they will not like that. As someone put it, it would seem all 3 “leave” their Catholic Faith just for a compassionate solution to a heartbreaking problem.

“Alice” has no problem with giving up her parental rights and will not need to do so with courts. She lives with them and will be the nanny and homeschool teacher. She and them have really thought this through and they get along with each other very well. And yes, the child will be brought up in the Catholic Faith, even if their Faith got thrown out for bringing life to the child.

I find it kinda harsh that the Church wouldn’t permit Surrogate Motherhood, done in a lifeful way, for situations like this. It makes me wonder what poor couples that want children but cannot due to bodily issues…what are they supposed to do? Lose hope?
 
God isn’t o.k. with this therefore the Church is not o.k. with this. Is having a child more important to them than their own souls? Like i said there are many children out there needing families, maybe God’s will is for them to adopt. They seem to be acting very immaturely and selfishly if they are not willing to accept God’s will for their lives. Again, it is not a couple’s “right” to have children, they are a blessing from God, not some type of commodity. It is not a compassionate solution to a heartbreaking situation, it is a misguided and immoral solution that will only bring about death to those involved. And don’t you think that child would be one mixed up kiddo in a situation like that? There are so many ways that this situation could go badly—what happens if birth mommy decides she can’t let her baby go? this happens all the time. This scenario has red flags all over it–and the situation with birth mom being the nanny and homeschool teacher and living with the couple?? It sounds like a very sick situation to me and not at all healthy for anyone involved especially the child who would be conceived for selfish reasons.

To answer the other question–yes if they confessed their sin they would only be right with God and the Church if they intended to never do this again. Sorry that i sound so harsh–i am really not meaning to be, but this is such a bad idea and i have very strong feelings against what they are doing.
 
seremina said:
“Alice” has no problem with giving up her parental rights and will not need to do so with courts. She lives with them and will be the nanny and homeschool teacher. She and them have really thought this through and they get along with each other very well. And yes, the child will be brought up in the Catholic Faith, even if their Faith got thrown out for bringing life to the child.
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Putting aside (for the moment) the Church’s position on this, another thing to think about is this:

Having a child with a woman is an incredible experience. Whether “Brian” wants to admit it or no, or is even cogniscent of it or not, there will be times when he will have to think of “Alice” as the childs mother. The child may look like “Alice” or may inherit some of her habits. What if they want a second child? The temptation is going to be horrible and it will provide an opening for evil to occur. The “natural” outcome of sex is pregnancy, so at some point “Brian” may entertain thoughts (whether his or planted) that sex with “Alice” is more natural than his wife.

Trust me, men are weak and in this arena horribly so. I know, I am one.

Pax,

Bryan (Notice the Y, the way God likes it:D )
 
seremina said:
I
So “Brian” and “Alice” spent a night together in order to achieve the child. They are patiently waiting to see if a child resulted. If not, they will try again until success happens. All 3 of them are okay with this and see nothing wrong with it. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated…

“Alice” decided to see if the Catechism had anything to say about Surrogate Motherhood and . .
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the catechism has plenty to say about adultery, which this scenario is pure and simple

if all three are fine with it, they need their heads examined, as well as their consciences, and they need an advocate to talk to the infertile couple about their moral options, including adoption.

whether the baby gets baptized has nothing to do with how he was conceived, and everything to do with the parents’ intent to raise him in the faith. The parents in this case don’t have a clue about their faith if they would even consider this option and are badly in need of instruction.

let us in Christian charity assume that all 3 are acting out of good kind motives and are not at fault for the poor catechesis they received from those responsible for their own teaching, and lay the blame on those who should have taught them properly. But good motives do not make an inherent evil objectively good.

these people are also badly in need of education on the civil law nightmare they are risking by this plan.
 
Oh my…

Just a question, has anyone thought about the child in all this?
 
Surrogacy is directly addressed in the Catechism…
2376
Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization) infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ "right to become a father and a mother only through each other."167
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seremina said:
Thank you for the responses. Very helpful. Let’s see if I got this all processed right.

Though “Alice” and “Brian” are doing this without medical procedures since “Carrie” is infertile and menopausal, this is adultery–though they don’t see it this way at all. Even “Carrie” is okay with this. The Church isn’t okay with this.

So if they confessed what they did, will everything be okay? Or will they have to stop because of confession? If they have to stop, they will not like that. As someone put it, it would seem all 3 “leave” their Catholic Faith just for a compassionate solution to a heartbreaking problem.

“Alice” has no problem with giving up her parental rights and will not need to do so with courts. She lives with them and will be the nanny and homeschool teacher. She and them have really thought this through and they get along with each other very well. And yes, the child will be brought up in the Catholic Faith, even if their Faith got thrown out for bringing life to the child.

I find it kinda harsh that the Church wouldn’t permit Surrogate Motherhood, done in a lifeful way, for situations like this. It makes me wonder what poor couples that want children but cannot due to bodily issues…what are they supposed to do? Lose hope?
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Did they research the legality of this? What do you mean they will not need to do so with the courts? She will be the child’s legal mother until that is legally changed. This has disaster written all over it. This is her biological child, you don’t think she’s going to feel like this child’s mother after she gives birth and see’s her son or daughter for the first time.

Sex is meant to strenghten the marriage bond -is is supposed to be procreative & unitive, that’s what God intended it for. And nobody is thinking about the child in this ridiculous mess. A child is not a puppy, it’s a human being. Good grief, how is the child going to feel about the convoluted situation? Who is thinking about the child at all?
 
All three need to go to counseling with a good Priest. None seem to know or understand Christianity.

This is tragic, however, when they learn what living a Christian life means, and return to the practice of the Faith, God will give them the grace to accept His will.
 
As one who was in a polyamerous relationship (this was before I returned to the Church), nothing good can come of this.
And I hate to say it, but that’s what this relationship is. Regardless of whether it’s just “Brian” and “Alice” engaging the sexual activity or if “Carrie” is engaging in it with them as well- this is a polyamerous relationship and everyone will end up hurt. Additionally- Both “Alice” and “Brian”, under the guise of doing something “worthy” are having an affair- plain and simple.

Not to mention the child. I know children who were raised in polyamerous households, and they have a hard time understanding the concept of dual parent homes, and are not raised with the idea that one marries someone for forever, without bringing another, or even other couples, into the household.

And someone already quoted the CCC to you, so “Alice” obviously did not do her research.
 
This is the first time I’ve ever been glad I had virus troubles and couldn’t get in here!

Bryan, Alice and Carrie think they’ve invented something wonderful. They should go check out not only their confessors, not only the Catechism, not only other writings of the Church, but Genesis. It seems in Genesis 16, a person (a patriarch) named Abram let his wife talk him into a surrogate relationship. Chapter 21 rolls around, and things have materially changed.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
This is the first time I’ve ever been glad I had virus troubles and couldn’t get in here!

Bryan, Alice and Carrie think they’ve invented something wonderful. They should go check out not only their confessors, not only the Catechism, not only other writings of the Church, but Genesis. It seems in Genesis 16, a person (a patriarch) named Abram let his wife talk him into a surrogate relationship. Chapter 21 rolls around, and things have materially changed.
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too true!
 
seremina said:
I find it kinda harsh that the Church wouldn’t permit Surrogate Motherhood, done in a lifeful way, for situations like this.** It makes me wonder what poor couples that want children but cannot due to bodily issues…what are they supposed to do? Lose hope?**
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You’re kidding, right?

We didn’t lose hope, thank you very much. We prayed “Not OUR will, but THINE be done, Lord”. We trusted in God and believed that He knew what He was doing. We adopted. And if you’ll look up some of my threads telling the story of my son’s adoption, you’ll see that God had this planned out VERY carefully. Our son is the child God meant for us to have and I am thankful every day that we did not mess things up by trying to force OUR will on God! I challenge anyone to prove that our son is any less mine or my husband’s than if we’d succumbed to such a “compassionate” solution to a “heartbreaking” situation.

The whole situation you’re describing sounds like a Lifetime movie plot.
 
One thing to tell your “friends”, children are not a right, or even a want that we can make happen any way we see fit. Children are a GIFT from God, they are a responsibility.

Again, all three of these people would do well to pray to God and come to the Faith.
 
If Alice really cares about this couple, and if she really wants to help out her friends, she needs to stop this now. There is no way her starting a family with her friend, a married man, is going to help this man and his wife. It is not helpful to commit adultery with a man (whether or not they want to acknowledge it, having sex with a man married to someone else is adultery). They already have a bond of friendship, and sharing this intimacy is not good for either of them, even if they try to be as cold about it as possible. I know you mentioned she wants to give up all her rights etc but there is always a slight chance she might change her mind, it is not uncommon for a woman to change her mind after carrying the baby for 9 months and delivering it. It is her own flesh and blood. Then, they are going to have her move in with them and pretty much raise the child (nanny + homeschooling teacher). I don’t want to be rude or anything but this sounds more like poligamy to me than a Catholic doing a loving favor. Tell Alice to go talk with a priest about this. This is not a casual thing, it will affect all of them for the rest of their lives, and it will definitely affect an innocent child if they succeed in bringing one into this mess. It is not an act of love or charity, it is going along with an abomination and a mockery to marriage and parenthood. I am not saying these people are evil, just that they are very confused and need help. A child is a gift from God, not something we can insist on getting, thru any means available to us. It is a fruit of marriage, not meant to be created outside of marriage.
Why not adoption? Are the costs that much more than having a live in nanny/teacher?
 
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