Surrogate Motherhood: okay or no?

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Thank you, again, for all the responses. Everything was put in quite clearly, though a few of them seemed pretty heavy on the anger or some other heavy-feeling emotion. I’ve had a chance to contact “Alice” and let her know everything I’ve found. She’s shared this information with “Brian” and “Carrie” as well.

“Alice” has gotten back to me and let me know what’s going to happen. Surrogate Motherhood is legal where they are and there won’t be any problems with identifying the child as “Brian’s” and “Carrie’s”, but when the child is mature and asks…then yes, the truth will be given as lovingly as possible. All in all, “Alice” isn’t happy with losing her salvation over this, but she can’t break a promise. She feels stuck and will accept responsibility and follow through. “Brian” and “Carrie” aren’t happy with losing their salvation over this either, but they care more about having children and they are well-aware a child is a gift. They just don’t have the amount of faith that “Alice” does.

I know “Alice” only wanted to help them and got herself into this mess, and I feel bad for her. I wish she would’ve researched the CCC before she made her decision. Perhaps she would’ve decided differently. I guess this question is resolved. This is the harshest pickle I’ve ever heard of.

Let’s all pray for them. That’s about all we can do.

Thank you ever so much, and God bless.
 
Fret not. All Alice has to do is confess (after the kid is born) and all will be forgiven. After all it’s not like she has done something really bad like deny the Holy Ghost.
 
That’s it? After she has the child, she confesses, and all will be all right? She thought she would have no way back into the Church because of this pickle.
 
Um. . .

It sounds to me as if you’re saying that Alice, Carrie and Brian have already decided that their desires are more important than their salvation.

So. . .is Alice (or Brian and Carrie) going to be truly sorry for this sin ‘after the fact’? I don’t think so. I think it’s more like, “Well, Lord, I know you said this is wrong and that in turning from you I’m choosing hell, freely and knowingly, but after it’s all over, even though I got what I wanted anyway, and I’d do it all over again, because the most important thing was getting ‘a child’, I’ll go to confession and say I’m sorry if that means I can not only do as I please and get what I want, but get ‘Heaven’ too even though in order to truly enter Heaven I have to be loving and obedient to You and I haven’t been and don’t intend to be”. . .

Now please understand, I am not ‘angry’ with your friends. I am not vindictive, judgmental, or uncaring. I deeply sympathize with their desire to have a child. But I also rather deeply sympathize with our God and Father, who not only created your friends but loves them tenderly. . .and it is God whom they are deliberately hurting, because they want ‘their own child’ at any cost, even the cost of their salvation and God only knows what terrible later effects on this child and his/her life thereafter. . . not the life that God gave them, but to be ‘gods’ themselves and to do whatever they want because ‘it’s what I want and if God won’t let me he’s mean and cruel.’

May God guide them to change their minds, step back from this evil, and seek His will which is always and only the true, right, proper and GOOD way.
 
seremina said:
It makes me wonder what poor couples that want children but cannot due to bodily issues…what are they supposed to do? Lose hope?
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We didn’t lose hope or faith, even though we were poor and barren. We didn’t trust God to fulfill our wants, but we trusted Him to do what was best and right for us. We didn’t pray for a child, but without bitterness or expectations my husband and I talked about our “dream family” with each other. What happened was that God gave us exactly what we wanted.

The doctor said it would take a “miracle” for us to conceive a child, and even if that happened the baby would not survive much past the first trimester, if that long. We didn’t expect the miracles that resulted in my two living children because we didn’t ask for them. We are very grateful, though!

If this couple allows God’s will priority over their own wants, they might get what they want, anyway. Why lose hope while there is prayer, or faith when God is all good?
 
cerad said:
Fret not. All Alice has to do is confess (after the kid is born) and all will be forgiven. After all it’s not like she has done something really bad like deny the Holy Ghost.
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All will be forgiven only if she actually sees the gravity of her sin and is truly sorry for it. Contrition is key here.
 
Perfect contrition is the condition that will help her and “Brian” get back to the Church? [ponders] I won’t make personal conjecture here, but I’ll let them know about this one and hope they’re able to do it. I think all my questions are resolved now.
 
cerad said:
Fret not. All Alice has to do is confess (after the kid is born) and all will be forgiven. After all it’s not like she has done something really bad like deny the Holy Ghost.
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When one committs a **grave sin **with consent and knowledge, the three conditions for mortal sin have been met.

When one commits a grave sin with the intention “oh, I can commit this mortal sin and then just go to confession”, you commit another grave sin - the sin of presumption.

Please, do not lead someone into yet ANOTHER grave sin.

It is at the risk of their mortal souls that each of these poor people get to a Priest for counseling.
 
CCC references on the sin of presumption:

**2091 **The first commandment is also concerned with sins against hope, namely, despair and presumption: By despair, man ceases to hope for his personal salvation from God, for help in attaining it or for the forgiveness of his sins. Despair is contrary to God’s goodness, to his justice - for the Lord is faithful to his promises - and to his mercy.

**2092 **There are two kinds of presumption. Either man presumes upon his own capacities, (hoping to be able to save himself without help from on high), or he presumes upon God’s almighty power or his mercy (hoping to obtain his forgiveness without conversion and glory without merit).

**2733 **Another temptation, to which presumption opens the gate, is acedia. The spiritual writers understand by this a form of depression due to lax ascetical practice, decreasing vigilance, carelessness of heart. “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” The greater the height, the harder the fall. Painful as discouragement is, it is the reverse of presumption. The humble are not surprised by their distress; it leads them to trust more, to hold fast in constancy.
 
I think it’s pretty bad that they don’t seem to care much about their salvation. That’s pretty much the most important thing in a person’s life!

I sincerely hope and pray that your friend will put a stop to what she is doing. I don’t care if they have everything figured out, that child will have SO many things to worry about. Imagine being a teenager and finding out that the woman you thought was your mother, really wasn’t! And that your dad slept with someone else in order to conceive you. It seems these people are putting their desire to have a baby above anything else.

And somewhere there is a baby (or will be a baby) who needs a loving mom and dad to adopt him/her…

God does not close doors on expanding families just because of infertility. Instead, he opens doors for not only a couple who want to be parents, but a parent-less child who needs a mom and dad.

Keep trying to talk to your friend, her salvation is not worth this supposed “surrogacy” (by the way, I really don’t think what they are doing counts as surrogacy, because she is not carrying someone else’s baby for them, she is carrying her own baby).
 
I’m not leading them into a sin. I just explained to them that they would need perfect contrition to be able to make the confession count after the child was born. They chewed on that.

“Alice” had to say that she does feel sorry, but she doesn’t see the wrong in what she did and she didn’t know it was wrong in the first place. She only learned that after looking it up in the CCC. She had looked it up far too late for it to be of any help. Besides that point, there’s a chance she still would’ve done it just to help “Brian” and “Carrie”. I know that sounds bad and its still wrong, but you’ve got to say that her heart is in the right place and I would think it’d be a mortal sin for her to change her mind after agreeing to it and making the promise. I believe it would fall under “bearing false witness”. So instead of copping out, she’s bearing the responsibility of her decision with courage and with a hope that hopefully Jesus will show her why its wrong so hopefully she might have a chance back into the Church. You can’t “bap” someone for something they don’t see.

“Brian” and “Carrie” are a different story entirely. Its likely they wouldn’t be sorry in the least. They’re just hoping that in the end, Jesus will have mercy on them. I don’t know if they see the wrong or not, so that’s a question for them at another time.
 
gettingthere said:
I think it’s pretty bad that they don’t seem to care much about their salvation. That’s pretty much the most important thing in a person’s life!

I sincerely hope and pray that your friend will put a stop to what she is doing. I don’t care if they have everything figured out, that child will have SO many things to worry about. Imagine being a teenager and finding out that the woman you thought was your mother, really wasn’t! And that your dad slept with someone else in order to conceive you. It seems these people are putting their desire to have a baby above anything else.

And somewhere there is a baby (or will be a baby) who needs a loving mom and dad to adopt him/her…

God does not close doors on expanding families just because of infertility. Instead, he opens doors for not only a couple who want to be parents, but a parent-less child who needs a mom and dad.

Keep trying to talk to your friend, her salvation is not worth this supposed “surrogacy” (by the way, I really don’t think what they are doing counts as surrogacy, because she is not carrying someone else’s baby for them, she is carrying her own baby).
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You’re right…they probably are putting their desires for one child far above anything else. Their salvation isn’t a big issue for them like it is for “Alice”.

I had already explained that they don’t have the money to adopt and “Brian” is anti-adoption. “Alice” went well out of her way to explain their various options, all with Catholic morality. “Brian” introduced the Surrogate Motherhood thing, with a Catholic twist. Nothing would be implanted in her other than his seed and she would be the vessel that carries the baby for “Carrie”. None of them told me about this until it was too late and they had no idea it was against the Church. I don’t think I have any words to describe the shock.

I’m still talking to “Alice”, of course. I wouldn’t stop my friendship with her over this. If anything, she needs the moral support while responsibly handling her error while fulfilling her promise.
 
seremina said:
I have a Catholic friend that would like to know the answer to this question but she doesn’t have internet. So I’m asking for her. I did research in the CCC and here on Catholic Answers, but I’m having trouble seeing a clear answer because of the unique circumstances. I’ll try to explain.

“Alice” has a best friend she’s known since High School, a nice Catholic man named “Brian”. He’s gotten engaged and married to a lovely Catholic woman named “Carrie”. “Brian” and “Carrie” would love to have a child of their own and they cannot afford adoption nor medical procedures. So they asked “Alice” to be a Surrogate Mother so they may have their child. “Alice” thinks over the request for a long time. She decides, out of the kindness of her heart, that she would do it.

So “Brian” and “Alice” spent a night together in order to achieve the child. They are patiently waiting to see if a child resulted. If not, they will try again until success happens. All 3 of them are okay with this and see nothing wrong with it. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated…

“Alice” decided to see if the Catechism had anything to say about Surrogate Motherhood and if there were any Catholic guidelines for when the baby should be baptised, etc. She comes to me with a worry that her kind decision might be a mortal sin and she’s scared she might not be Catholic anymore because of it. She won’t change her mind about Surrogate Motherhood and will still do this kind favour for her friends.

So is this okay? It was done in a safe and life-giving manner, no drugs, no forbidden medical procedures, etc. What does it mean for her salvation? Are “Brian” and “Carrie” equally in the same kind of trouble? Or are we just worried too much and everything’s okay?

Thank you, and God bless.
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If they can’t afford adoption how in the blazes can they afford to raise a child?
 
How on earth can a person be Catholic, have attended Mass, maybe cracked open a Bible once or gone to a CCD class and NOT KNOW that having sex with someone you are not married to is a sin? These people are pulling your leg.
 
How on earth can a person be Catholic, have attended Mass, maybe cracked open a Bible once or gone to a CCD class and NOT KNOW that having sex with someone you are not married to is a sin? These people are pulling your leg.
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That is a bit rude, I think.

“Alice” has gone to Daily Mass as much as possible, regular with Sunday Mass, watched EWTN’s Masses while ill or the weather was too severe for walking. She reads the Bible almost daily and she has been Catholic for 5 years or longer.

“Brian” only goes to Mass when he feels like it. He only reads his Bible when he feels like it. He’s been a Catholic since he was baptised sometime after birth.

“Carrie” is even less Catholic but still struggling to do her best. She needs prayers and cheering on so she can soon learn how to do the Rosary.

It is obvious that having sex with someone other than your spouse is adultery and a mortal sin, yes. But this did not occur to them in the light of Surrogate Motherhood, which they did not know [until later] was banned by the Church. I can easily understand why they wouldn’t see it. “Brian” now sees that, as does “Carrie”, but I guess they don’t care. I feel they are sometimes too liberal. “Alice” on the other hand, still doesn’t see it and she’s a lot more orthodoxy. So I’m being patient and gentle with her. She only sees it like this…

“I’m helping distraught friends that want a child. How is that adultery? How is that a mortal sin? I only see compassion for them by doing this.”

I praise the Lord she’s as simple as this, but I’m still trying. I would appreciate no more personal attacks on them. As it is, I hope I have not given too many personal details and hope I haven’t made them look bad. I know it is never easy to speak charitably about such a pickle as this, but we must.
 
What Alice really needs is to speak with a priest. He will be able to explain it to her more clearly than you will be able to explain it second-hand like this.
seremina said:
…I would think it’d be a mortal sin for her to change her mind after agreeing to it and making the promise. I believe it would fall under “bearing false witness”. So instead of copping out, she’s bearing the responsibility of her decision with courage…
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If I promise to murder someone, would it be a sin to change my mind? Do you think I should go through with it “with courage”?

The sin would be promising to murder, not changing my mind. Apply this to their situation.
 
Dear Seremina,
Hopefully Alice has not conceived yet, and there is still time for her to pull back from this serious, horrendous mistake.
Please encourage her to talk to her priest, or another compassionate priest, for clarification.
I don’t want to sound harsh, I really think none of us do, but Alice must be a little simple to continue comitting adultery just because she promised out of a mistaken compassion for her friends.
It doesn’t cost ANYTHING to adopt a foster baby. It just takes patience and maturity.
 
Hi Seremina,

Have your friends thought deeply why the Church and Jesus taught that having sex outside of marriage is a no no? One of the reason is that sex is sacred, it is something that connects people. Once they have sex with each other, though they might not admit it but deep down their relationship is affected. Especially, you said Alice will be their live in nanny. Have they consider the possibilities of further adultery later on in life? What can stop them later in life from having sex again if this is OK now? And how about, Alice being a nanny to the baby, but actually is performing her natural mother duty. Soon, Carrie would feel that the baby is connected to Alice more than Carrie. Then later Carrie would feel Brian is more connected to Alice. One thing lead to another, causing turmoil in the relationship. That’s why the Church forbid it.
 
Please advise your friend to speak to a priest about this. I think it is really important that she back out of her promise, even though I know you and “Alice” think she should stick to her promise.

Also, adopting does not have to be expensive. Like someone mentioned, fostering does not cost anything, and it is also possible to adopt for only a few thousand dollars. People often think adopting will cost tens of thousands, but it doesn’t cost any more than hospital/pre-natal care for a pregnant woman.

This “Surrogate Motherhood with a Catholic twist” is pretty bologna. There is nothing Catholic about what they are doing. Don’t try to fool yourself or Alice into thinking it’s okay just because they “didn’t know”. They know now and they have a choice to make. I pray they choose the right thing.
 
Why is she living with them?
All will be forgiven after the child is born and she confesses it as a sin. But does she really see it as a sin. I’m guessing no and that this behavior will continue and this poor child will grow up in a home with a daddy and two mommy’s.
Did they set up a time limit on how long they would try with “Alice” to get pregnant or are they just going to keep going forever in the hopes that she will get pregnant?
How old is “Alice”? If she is younger then the other two, did they do something to convince her to live with them and to do this?
What a mess. I don’t even know if I’m making sense because I just can’t wrap my head around this one. They are willing to throw away their salvation to have a child when there are what THOUSANDS of children who need homes. How crazy can you get?
 
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